Chapter 18: Just Friends

“Hey, I wanna suck and fuck you.”

“Wow! A suck AND a fuck, the complete combo!”, I answer, without turning around.

“Yeah,” the person behind me answers, “Is that a problem?”

“So, am I the first guy you’re trying that line on?”

Quiet, then a repeat of their previous words, “Yeah ... Is that a problem?”

“Well, kinda. It doesn’t really count because you know I won’t cheat on Abby.”

A snicker, “Well damn, you’re no fun.”

I know the voice and remember hearing this person’s, rather crude, pick-up line a few weeks ago on the backyard patio at Abby’s house. This was spoken through lazy cigarette smoke rings on the day of Abby’s birthday party. I turn around, “What brings you all the way up here, Caroline?”

“I was bored.”

“You drove three hours to come up north because you were... ‘bored’?”

She mashes her cigarette butt under the toe of her shoe, “Can we go in? It’s cold out here.”

“Sure.”

In the Main Floor Common Room, there’s a rally going on, this one is about banning all purple clothing. Apparently, the dye used is causing undue skin staining on the hands of working children in Chinese clothing factories, in other words, sweatshops. The passionate speaker is getting quite loud and animated about this. Heaven forbid, they speak against the government in China for even allowing child labor to begin with, but purple dye? Nope, no way, it must go.

This is one thing I’ve learned about college campuses, there is never a shortage of causes to stand on a soapbox about. Whether it’s social or environmental issues, they’re very adept at pointing their fingers and complaining, but of course, these protesters always fall short of offering any real solutions. Plastic water bottles are bad, anything over a two-minute and fifteen-second shower wastes water that could be bottled for underprivileged countries, too much toilet paper is going down the drain, you name it, it’s protest-able.

All too often it’s the case of, if you don’t think exactly as they do, then you are the bad guy, you are what’s wrong with the world, plain and simple, period, end of discussion. I can’t say every message these groups are trying to communicate is bad, but so much of it is just so out-there, it’s ridiculous. For example: Cows are farting too much these days and the produced methane is considered an excessive greenhouse gas. As a result, we need to stop eating red meat or the world will end in 12-years. I mean, come on, really? By their logic, fewer slaughtered cows mean even more cows will be farting us on our way to extinction. All I can do is roll my eyes, mind my own business and move on.

Caroline and I go up to the fourth floor. When we exit the elevator into this Common Room, we’re greeted by a half-a-dozen guys horsing around, leaping over couches, and chasing each other. They don’t seem too concerned about purple dye or gassy cattle. A thrown cushion flies towards us, directly at Caroline. Without thinking, I instinctively block it and knock it off its trajectory with my forearm.

“Whoa!” she steps back, “Fast reaction saving your damsel in distress.”

“Ain’t nothing,” I shrug, “Just everyday life around here.”

I remember seeing this same couch-leaping ruckus on Move-In Day when Rachel was giving my parents and I a tour. Actually, it’s happened several times since then. Supposedly, grown adults acting like unsupervised five-year-olds, it’s what we do to blow off steam. It would be a lie to say I haven’t taken part in such juvenile activities myself.

“This place get pretty crazy?” Caroline asks, on our way to my room.

“Sure, at times.”

As we pass Room 408, the guys have the door open and are blasting the band Five Finger Death Punch’s thundering music. Caroline pauses to bang her head and flash devil-horns at them. “Come on in!” they shout, “Join us!”

“Maybe later!” she shouts back.

We enter the room and I kick Alex’s dirty clothes aside, pull out a chair for Caroline and plop my ass in the other. She looks around, eyeing the place, “Hmm, not too bad. Smells like a guys’ room.”

“Well, Alex and I are guys. I hope it’s not offensive.”

“I don’t mind your testosterone,” she smirks, “So, is Alex your roommate?”

“Yeah, he’s out with Abby and some others. They have club meets for that Magic – The Gathering game they play on Friday nights.”

“She tried showing me how to play once,” Caroline rolls her eyes, “Too fucking confusing.”

“Yeah, Alex tried to teach it to me too, I couldn’t get into it.”

“Well, there’s something we have in common. So, what do you do when Miss Abby is off with her club?”

“Just, whatever...” I shrug, “Tonight I was going to get caught up with old friends.”

“I guess I fucked that plan up, huh?”

“Nah, it’s fine. Does Abby know you’re here?”

“No, I was gonna surprise her. I know, pretty lame, right?

“I don’t think so, she loves that kind of thing.”

“When I went to her house, that butchy/bitchy roommate of hers said she was probably with you, figured I’d try to find her. Plus, I wanted a to walk around a little, you know, check this place out.”

“Gotta be careful, we have some creep, stalker lurking around campus.”

“Oh?” she perks up, “That sounds intriguing.”

“Um, no, not really. Unless you want to be unexpectedly flashed, or worse.”

“Speaking of unexpected surprises, I suppose you know about a most interesting picture Abby sent me.” Caroline grins and makes the universal finger-fucking-hand gesture.

I feel my face get warm, “Uhhh ... Yeah, about that ... You did delete it, right?”

“Oh, yeah,” she exaggerates a nod, “For sure!” Somehow, I’m not entirely convinced.

Caroline, being Caroline, continues, “Just so you know, seeing her hoo-ha didn’t do much for me ... well, maybe a little bit,” she holds her finger and thumb close together. “But, you ... I gotta say, you have one fine-looking tool! Real solid! I’ll bet she just loves it when you-”

“Okay, then!” I clasp my hands and abruptly stand up, “How about I take you on a tour or something? I’ll bet you’re hungry, the cafeteria isn’t far.”

“Oh, sit down, I’m just fucking with you. You know I couldn’t resist.”

“Just promise me you won’t bring it up with Abby, she’s embarrassed enough about it.”

Caroline bursts out laughing, and I do believe this the first time I’ve seen her laugh. “The look on your face ... hahaha ... That was awesome!”

“I’ll bet it was...” I shake my head.

“Oh, and I like your bush too, such a nice thick, dark patch-” This additional observation brings another horrified look from me. “Okay, okay,” she stops herself, “I’ll say no more.”

What do you say to this surprise visitor, and oddball friend of your girlfriend, who just told you that she likes your cock and pubic hair? Nothing that I can think of, that’s for sure. I feel like I was just hit by a truck! Definitely time to change the subject back to her, “So, you were saying that you came up here because you were ‘bored?’”

“More like I had a fight with my parents and needed to get out of the house.”

“How long are you going to be here?”

“Counting the days till I leave? Guess I can’t blame you...”

“I didn’t say that. Abby is going to love that you’re here.”

“But, you, not so much?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way, it’s just that you have a way of throwing curveballs I don’t expect.”

“I know,” she looks down, “It’s just how I am ... I’ll tone it down.”

“Nah, you don’t have to, it’s who you are. And ... you’re kinda fun in your own, interesting, way.”

“You think so?”

“You certainly keep me guessing,” I laugh, then add, “But, ease off about that picture. Okay?”

“Yeah, I will. You know, I always thought most guys were salivating knuckle-draggers, like those ones jumping on the couches out there. But, not you, you’re different...” she pauses, “I don’t say this often, but you’re one of the cool ones. I’m super-jealous of Abigail, by the way.”

Curveballs and keeping me guessing are understatements. In the last 15-minutes, Caroline has, technically, complimented me twice. One, a flattering, but very awkward, critique of my privates, and the other, a heartfelt endorsement that I’m a cool person. “Just so you know, I’ve jumped on a few couches too.”

“Invite me next time, I’ve always wanted to abuse some furniture,” she snickers, “But, to answer your question, I was going to stay a few days, maybe a week.”

“Do your folks know you’re here?”

“Yes, Mother Kyle,” she rolls her eyes, “They do. When I said you’re one of the ‘cool ones’, I didn’t mean you have to parent me.”

My phone bloops, it’s a text from Abby, “Hey Kyle, our meeting is over, Alex, Zach, and I feel like pizza. Wanna meet at Tony’s?”

I look at Caroline, “Feel like pizza and surprising Abby now?”

“Sure.” Then she gets a devious look in her eye, “Hey, are you up for making this interesting?”

“What do you have in mind?”

She thinks for a moment and runs a plan by me...

Thirty minutes later, I walk into Tony’s Brick Oven Pizzeria, the place is packed as it normally is on a Friday night. Abby and the guys are in a back-corner booth and wave me over, it looks like the pizza has just arrived. Abby scoots in, “Here, sit next to me.”

“How did your game go?” I ask, grabbing a plate and a slice.

“Zach kicked all our asses,” Alex grumbles.

“Haha! You suckers fell for every one of my traps,” Zach beams, “Except Abby, she was on to me ... I think?”

“Yeah, I was. I just didn’t have strong enough spell cards to take you down.” She puts her arm around my waist, “What did you do at the dorm, Kyle?”

“Not much, got caught up with an old friend from back home.” And, it’s the truth, just not an ‘old friend’ as Abby is probably thinking.

“Hey, guys,” Zach says, “Connor’s brother, Dan, called me. He told me they’re having a surprise party for Connor at his place tomorrow night. Has to do with something Kyle has for him, but I don’t know what that means.”

I remember and laugh, “Leona’s Lips!”

“Oh, come on!” Zach fake beats his head on the table, “Haven’t we all had enough of that?”

“No, listen.” I lower my voice, “I found some latex rubber lips that you can stick your dick into, a masturbation toy. The item is called ‘Leona’s Lips’. I thought it would be funny to give it to Connor after his month with the Super Sucker was over. A little something to remember her by.”

“Oh, that’s too funny!” Abby plays along, acting like this is the first she’s heard of it. She doesn’t want to let on that we were both in the sex toy store when I bought it.

“Okay, whew,” Zach breathes easy, “I thought you guys somehow arranged him more blow jobs or something.”

“No, Connor is more than good in that department for a while,” Alex rolls his eyes.

Zach continues, “Dan also told me they were going to make it a ‘furniture smashing party’ or something.”

“A what?” I almost spit out my pizza.

“I guess they got some new couches and chairs being delivered and are going to smash up the old ones.” Zach explains, “Everyone gets drunk and busts the old stuff up for the trash.”

“Why didn’t they just haul it out to the bonfire last weekend?” Alex asks.

“I asked that too, but he said this would be ‘much more fun’. In a way, it does sound like a blast, going nuts and smashing shit for the hell of it.” Hmmm, I think to myself, Caroline just may get her wish to abuse some furniture. Speaking of Caroline, she should be making her entrance soon.

“Geez, Kyle,” Abby says, “I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with another hangover so soon, especially after last weekend.”

“We’ll just have to be more careful about how much beer we drink.”

“Yes, we sure will. Then, next weekend, we have that no clothes party at the sorority house.”

Now it’s Zach’s turn to almost spit out his pizza. “A what?” his eyes pop wide open, “A ‘No clothes party at a sorority house?’”

Abby laughs and explains that she meant to say, “no real clothes”, just creatively made-up ones.

Time for me to get up and excuse myself to use the restroom. The bathroom doors are on the back wall, not too far and within earshot of our table. I try the men’s room, but act like it’s locked. No problem, I’ll stand here to wait for the “current occupant” to finish.

Meanwhile, a woman with a knit hat pulled low and a scarf covering part of her face approaches the table. I don’t think Abby will notice the knit hat and scarf are mine, my mother made sure I have them for Winter. Without saying anything, the woman takes a seat where I was just sitting. I see Abby turn and say, “Uh, hello? Can I help you?”

“No, I’m fine,” the woman mumbles and picks up my slice.

“Uh, Ma’am? What are you doing?” a perplexed Alex asks, “That’s not yours to eat.”

Abby waves for me to return, I smile and wave back. She mouths the words, “Get! Over! Here!” motioning to the strange woman who just joined our table.

The woman pulls down her scarf a tiny bit to eat the pizza. Zach is now saying, “What the hell, Lady? You can’t just sit down and eat our food. I’m calling the waiter.”

Okay, we don’t need to involve the staff, time for me to go back. At the table, I hunch down next to the woman. “That’s good pizza, huh?” I quietly ask.

“Umm hmmm,” she nods with a mouthful.

“Please stay and have more.”

Abby’s mouth is hanging open, she’s looking at me like I’m crazy. Alex starts to stand up, “What are you doing, Kyle? I’m getting the manager.”

“Alex, sit down,” I tell him, “It’s okay, we don’t need a scene.” Now he’s looking at me like I’ve gone nuts.

The woman is having a hard time and we can see her hitching with laughter. I have to look away too because I can’t hold it in any longer. Zach, like the rest, is completely confused, “What’s going on? Do you know her?”