Chapter 6: Toots

My parents noticed that my Jeep didn’t come home with me last night. I didn’t lie, I told them that I went to party and had a few beers (well, maybe the part about a few beers was a bit of an under-exaggeration). They weren’t happy that I was drinking, but praised me for making the smart choice and not getting behind the wheel.

Marc and Jeff texted me that they both had the worst hangovers of their life, I’m not surprised. I hope they didn’t get into too much hot-water with their parents over it.

Renee came by in the late morning to pick me up to get my Jeep from Eric’s street, she was nursing a bit of hangover herself. I faired pretty well, a standard headache and a little nausea, but that was about it.

A few days later, Renee asked me if I could come to her place so we can plan what dates to go to their summer place on Seney Lake. I’m sure something as simple as picking dates would be easy enough for us to figure out right here at work, but going to her place is always nice. There we can sit down comfortably, maybe have a beer, look at our calendars and then rest our exhausted brains from all that work with some soothing sex. I like that last part.

It’s been a hot, sweaty shift back here in the kitchen, always is on a busy summer night. Eric flips his thumb towards Albert making himself a pizza, I nod in acknowledgment. Sure enough, when the pizza comes out of the oven, Albert boxes it up and he’s out the door.

“See what I mean?” Eric says to me under his breath.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Eric confides, “Look, we’ve all made a pizza or two to take home, but that guy does it every time he works.”

On my way over to Renee’s, I am thinking about this Albert business. I don’t want to say anything to Bill or Renee yet, I would love to catch that little asshole in the act and corner him somehow. But how? I’ll have to think about this.

I need to make note of something else that’s been going on today. I know you’re going to roll your eyes at this, but I’ve been farting, a lot, and all afternoon. I don’t know what it is that I ate that is causing this, but wow, talk about being gassy. I did have a big grilled hamburger for lunch, smothered in sautéed onions, but I’ve never had onions affect me like this before. I try to push out as many toots as I can before I get to Renee’s place so she doesn’t have to listen to my affliction. Hopefully, she will not want to go anywhere in my Jeep tonight.

Renee lets me in and I follow her to the living room. She asks if I want a beer, but after the other night at Eric’s, I think I’ll pass on a cold brew tonight. She gives it a second thought herself and agrees that skipping beer tonight is probably good idea considering the hangover she had. She grabs a couple of Pepsi’s from the fridge instead.

We settle in on her couch and pull our phones out to figure out what would be some good days to go to Seney Lake. She looks up when Willow River is having their town festival days, “Okay, they’re starting on Tuesday the 25th through Sunday the 30th. Do you want to go up the Monday before and come back on Thursday? It will give us three nights. We can check out the Seney Lake Days festival one day and then goof-off at the lake, or do whatever, on the other days.”

“Sure, that sounds great!”

“Okay then, Monday to Thursday it is.” She adds the dates in her calendar and I put them in mine.

“Are your parents going up too?” I ask.

“Nah, just you and me, Sport,” she grins. “Mom and Dad will probably come up Friday for the festival.”

“I’m really looking forward to this, thanks for inviting me.” Three whole nights in a row with Renee! I’m extremely happy about that.

“You’re welcome. I wanted to take you up there last summer, but I didn’t want to put you in an awkward spot with your parents.”

“I know, I’m just so glad my mom is cool with it.”

“You don’t need to pack a ton of clothes or anything, we have a washer and dryer at the house. Oh, and don’t forget a swimsuit.”

“Yeah, I had to buy a new one, thanks to those dipshits.” I motion my thumb in the direction of Dylan and Caleb’s apartment.

“Did you get a Speedo?” she laughs.

“Oh, hell no! I couldn’t see myself wearing a banana-hammock.”

“Oh, I could, I like your banana ... a lot,” she nods. She reaches over and tugs at the belt on my jeans, “Speaking of that, do you wanna...?” she motions her head towards the bedroom.

“Sure, gimme a minute first.”

I excuse myself to her bathroom. I’m still feeling a few farts burbling around in my lower abdomen. Once in there, I run the water to cover the sound of me pushing a few out. It’s a good thing they don’t stink, too bad anyway. Have you ever noticed on those days when you have a lot of noisy farts, they don’t tend to have much aroma? But on other days, I hardly fart at all; I let one little quiet-one slip out and wonder what the hell crawled up in there and died? Okay, I think I’ve exhausted all I can, I should be good-to-go for a while.

I find Renee in her room. She lifts my red Pizza Depot shirt over my head and drops it on the floor, next she undoes my belt and pulls down my zipper for me to wiggle out of my pants.

“Lay down, all this talk of bananas has me hungry for my favorite one.”

I lay on my back and Renee crawls up between my legs. She starts with some licking on my balls and slowly slides her tongue all the way up my shaft; ah yes, I like this. She wraps her hand around the base and places her lips on my head and starts to suck.

A little more of me goes into her mouth with each bob of her head. After a good dozen tantalizing slides up and down, I notice that she is taking most of my cock in. This feels so awesome and it’s very relaxing at the same time.

Okay, why now, of all times? I feel a fresh fart knocking on my back door wanting to be let out. Being sucked on is one of my favorite things in the world, it couldn’t wait just a little longer? I clench my cheeks tight and fight to hold it in, this causes me to squirm a little bit.

“Is every-fing okay?” she asks with mouthful.

“Oh yeah, everything is perfect.”

Finally, the fart backs off its incessant push to escape and travels back up inside me, thank god. Renee has no idea of the personal, internal battle I’m currently fighting as she lovingly sucks my sex.

Yup, just go away you pesky little toot, you, I think to myself. Good lord, I shake my head, I’ve sunk to mentally talking to my farts! I have her mouth wrapped around me, enjoying me in the way that I love so much, and my mind is on farts of all things!

I do find this kind of amusing in my own way. I wonder how many guys have been in this exact same situation, fighting off the urge to fart while receiving oral pleasures. As I’m contemplating this, I make the mistake of snickering. As I giggle, I accidently relax my sphincter muscles just enough to let a small toot escape with an audible, “Pffllbbbt.”

Renee jumps back and slaps my boner, “NO! No, no! What the fuck, Kyle? Why did do that?”

I instantly feel bad and embarrassed, “I’m sorry,” I sheepishly say, “I’ve been trying and trying to hold it in.”

Renee does not look very happy with me.

“I am so sorry, I did not mean for that to happen ... really.” I plead with sad eyes.

A hint of a smirk appears on her face, she shakes her head and says, “Okay Sport, that’s your one and only pass, don’t EVER do that again!”

“I won’t, I promise.” Well, that stupid fart sure ended a superb sucking session, but Renee is being a good sport about it.

She strips her clothes off and I go down, and to town, on her pussy. I get busy licking all over her sweet girl-bits. I look at her butt cheeks, only inches from my face and tell her she can fart in my face, if she wants, to make up for mine. She laughs and tells me if she has any, she definitely will. I bring her to a nice, sloppy, wet orgasm, but no farts from her as payback.

I move up and kiss her boobs, suck her nipples and caress her body. She grabs my hips, pulling me forward, wanting me to slide it inside and screw her missionary style. I gently push myself all the way in till our pubic hair patches are mashed together. Time to begin a nice steady rhythm of driving my hips and driving my cock; I enjoy how good it feels, how good she feels. Mmmmmm. After a few minutes, I see her trying to stifle a laugh and I ask, “What’s so funny?”

“Oh Sport, you are. Only you, would tell me it’s okay for me to fart in your face!”

“Well,” I shrug, “It only seemed fair.”

“What I should do is, have you go down on me after you been fucking me. That way I can blow a pussy fart in your face,” she laughs.

“I actually might like experiencing that up-close,” I snicker.

She shakes her head, “How did I know you were going to say that?”

I keep thrusting away, feeling myself drawing closer to that magic moment, that feel-good creamy release and wouldn’t you know it, another damned fart makes its presence known. I tell her, “I gotta stop for a second.”

“Why?”

“I got another one coming...”

She rolls her eyes, “Don’t stop, just let it go, it doesn’t matter now.”

As I slide myself in and immediately let out a tiny, “bbllffpt”, slide back and then on the next push in, I make another, “ppllfft” sound, which is followed by another, “pflbibit.” For the next three or four drives, my ass accentuates each advance with perfectly-timed flatulent bursts.

Have you ever had those “walking farts”, the kind where a series of poots comes out with each step you take? This is just like that, only apply it to fucking. Each drive of my hips, causes my asshole to sing a sweet, little serenade. It’s pretty damn funny. All I can do is hang my head and giggle like kid over this. After all, who ever said sex can’t be humorous?

Renee is clearly hearing all of this and appears to be in a state of disbelief. She has to be thinking, oh my god, I can’t believe this happening, I’m getting fucked by a farting machine! At the same time though, she’s starting to laugh and soon she’s laughing herself to tears. I have to stop, pull out, and sit back on my ankles; I’m laughing too hard to continue. What else can you do?

She stops laughing long enough to look at me and ask, “What in the HELL did you eat today?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it was the fried onions I had a burger earlier?”

“Fuckin’ onions! I knew it!”

“I never had them do that to me before.”

“And, I get to be the lucky girl when they do? Okay Fart-Boy, let’s switch, let me get on top.”

I lay on my back and Renee takes control of the situation. Swinging her leg over my waist in a squatting position, she slides herself onto my cock and we resume screwing. This seems to work better, maybe with my lower body not working so much, it will keep my surplus of breakable wind contained a little better. A few small ones escaped into the bed, but other than that, my noisy back-side finally takes a break.

She rides me like an aggressive jockey on a racing stallion, not quite settling-in, but using her thighs to slightly hover and quickly bounce her crotch up and down. Her lubricated pussy rapidly polishing my slippery pole like this feels fantastic and has me ejaculating sperm in no time. I may have crossed my finish-line, but she still has a little way to go.

With a loud moan of, “Ohh, Yesssss! OH, god! Oh-yeah!” she slows her fluttering pelvis to let her internal muscles tightly grab and pull on my shaft, squeezing out any leftover cream from my urethra. After her orgasm calms, she lifts up, off, and flops on the bed next to me to catch her breath. We lay together gazing at the ceiling; our noisy, thanks to my ass, sex is done.

“Well, that was certainly a first for me,” she says.

“I’m so sorry about all that, especially that one when you were ... down there.”

“It’s okay, Sport, it happens ... Now I know why you were squirming around so much.”

“I really was trying to hold it in.”

“I know. Next time, just tell me if you have to fart. Okay?”

Whew, I’m sure glad she said next time, I thought for sure I had blown my chances of her going down on me for a long time, if not for good. My ever-wandering mind comes up with a funny thought. “I wonder if anyone has ever cum and farted at the same time?” I ask.

“Let’s not put that one to the test, okay?”

You know how I keep a funny little mental list all the different sex I’ve had since I started having sex? I can now add flatulent sex to that list. I’ll try my best not to repeat that one...

A couple of days later, while I am having dinner with my family, I ask, “Who were The Ramones?”

“Only one of the greatest punk-rock bands to exist,” Dad answers without looking up or missing a beat. I knew my dad would probably know all about this band, he has always loved hard-rock music and often talks about all the great bands from when he was young.