Chapter 8

“Let’s go back to the rejection incident. What was the reason for it?” Dr. Grey asked.

“Well, Paul was fat and unattractive.” Martha hated to admit that this was the main reason.

“Was that important in the circle? To be physically attractive, I mean.”

“Well, yes, unfortunately.”

“Please remind me again, what was the purpose of the circle?”

“For the family to have a safe place to practice family love.”

“For the whole family ... or only for the attractive members of the family?”

Martha was uncomfortable with this line of questioning. Until now, she had seen the whole incident as unfortunate, and the circle women as superficial. But the doctor had pointed out a basic flaw. Paul’s level of attractiveness shouldn’t have mattered. He was family and, despite his flabby body, he should have been welcome with open arms -and legs. But instead, he was rejected by all the women just for his physical flaws.

“Is the circle a lie?” she wondered.

“Did you at any moment defend Paul before the women of the group? Did you protest his exclusion, called it unfair or something like that?”

“No, I didn’t,” she responded, shame in her face.

“Why not? After all, you love your son.”

“I ... I thought the women had the right to say no.”

“And they have that right, indeed. Now, you have said many times that you loved Paul despite his physical appearance. Why did you also say no?”

Martha was hit by the realization. Yes, the others had the right to say no, even Emily had the right to say no. But Martha... “I am his mother. Why did I also reject him?” She was his mother; attractiveness shouldn’t have played a part in her wish to share herself with her son. She looked up and saw that the doctor was still waiting for an answer.

“I ... I don’t know,” she temporized.

“Mrs. Jenkins, it won’t work if you are not sincere.” The doctor admonished her. “Please, take your time and tell me the truth.”

Martha breathed deeply. She couldn’t think of anything to say. “I ... I didn’t think about it,” she finally admitted. “I cannot give you a reason.”

“Yes, you can,” he insisted. “But you don’t want to face the truth.” Now his voice tone became harder. “Mrs. Jenkins, my main patient is Paul. One of my goals is to help him to decide if having you in his life will be beneficial or harmful. Therefore, I have to ask the hard questions and get answers for those questions. Now, please answer.” His tone brooked no discussion.

At that moment, Martha hated the doctor. “He wasn’t my husband’s son, happy now?” she shouted. Dr. Grey didn’t act surprised. He already knew this, from his sessions with Paul. He simply wrote something on his notebook.

But she didn’t see this. She was too astonished, too ashamed. She barely could believe her own words. That was the bottom line, it had been there all the time. Yes, she loved Paul like a mother. But she never saw Paul as a full member of the family. The feeling was buried very deep inside her, but it was there. That’s why she was so quick in accepting the Circle’s decision, why she didn’t react as a loving mother but as a circle member. If Paul had been handsome, buff, in other words, if he had looked like her deceased husband, she would have jumped in his defense, or defied the circle and had sex with him nevertheless. But he wasn’t her husband’s offspring. He didn’t even look like him. So, she didn’t do any of those things. She simply conveyed the Circle’s decision and left Paul to his own devices.

Martha left the doctor’s office feeling defeated. She couldn’t believe she had just admitted to herself and the doctor that she had rejected Paul because he wasn’t her husband’s son. As she walked back to her car, she remembered the list the doctor had asked her to write. It was still in her purse, since he had not asked for it yet. She had feared that moment because she would then need to explain why it was so short. But now, the reason was obvious. She knew now that her love for Paul wasn’t unconditional like a mother’s love should be. She couldn’t shake off the feeling of disappointment in herself.

She sat in her car for a few minutes, trying to calm herself down before driving home. The conversation with the doctor had been emotionally draining and she needed some time to process it all.

Paul was sitting in his living room, lost in thought when he heard the doorbell ring. He got up and opened the door to find his cousin Lisa standing there with a man he didn’t recognize.

“Hello, Paul,” Lisa said timidly. “May we come in?” Paul was taken aback. He hadn’t seen Lisa in years. In fact, he hadn’t seen her since long before the Circle’s fiasco. He made a gesture and both of them walked inside.

“This is Peter, my husband,” she said. “Hi,” Peter said automatically. He couldn’t help to think that he wasn’t the type of guy he expected somebody like Lisa would marry. After all, he wasn’t a model or the like. In fact, physically he looked a lot like Paul.

“I hope we’re not interrupting anything,” Lisa said.

“Well, I certainly didn’t expect to see you again,” he said, offering them the couch.

Lisa and Peter made themselves comfortable as Paul sat across from them, waiting for an explanation for their visit.

“We just wanted to talk with you,” Lisa said. It was clear that, whatever she wanted to say, it was hard for her. “I ... I never had the chance to apologize for what happened.”

“Water under the bridge,” Paul said.

“I don’t think so,” Peter said. “In fact, that’s why I brought Lisa here.”

“I don’t understand,” Paul said.

Lisa shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I ... I feel responsible for what happened between you and the Circle. I was the first one who said that I wouldn’t have sex with you and started everything.” Her husband squeezed her hand in support. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I am of being such a bitch.”

Paul closed his eyes. He didn’t want to explain himself again, so he simply said “You’re forgiven.”

Peter intervened again. “Paul, you don’t know me, but I could see in your eyes that you’re surprised that Lisa married me. Perhaps you’re wondering how somebody who was so hung up on physical perfection would marry somebody like me.”

Paul was taken aback by Peter’s words. He hadn’t expected such raw honesty and vulnerability from someone he had just met. He looked at Lisa, who was now looking down at her lap, unable to meet his gaze.

“Honestly, I was a bit surprised,” Paul admitted. “But it’s not my place to judge your relationship.”

Peter nodded. “I understand that. You know, Lisa and I have been through a lot together. We’ve had our share of struggles and misunderstandings, but ultimately, we love each other deeply.”

“I can see that,” Paul said sincerely.

“The thing is, you and I are a lot alike. I was bullied in high school, labeled a nerd in college, never had a date. In fact, Lisa was my first girlfriend, and she had to do all the work because I was too shy to talk to her.”

Lisa smiled at that, her hand never leaving her husband’s.

“But despite all of that, I never let myself be defined by my physical appearance. I embraced my intelligence and my passions, and that’s what drew Lisa to me. She saw beyond the surface and fell in love with who I was as a person.”

“I’m sorry,” Lisa said, her voice choked with emotion. “I should have seen past your exterior too. You’re an incredible person, Paul, and I regret not giving you a chance.”

“I know what the Circle did to you was wrong,” Peter continued. “And I know it must have been difficult for you to have your own mother and sister reject you like that.”

Paul’s heart constricted at the mention of his mother and sister. He had tried so hard to push those painful memories away, but they always managed to resurface.

“They are no longer a part of my life,” he said quietly.

Peter reached out and placed a comforting hand on Paul’s shoulder. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” Paul said with a shrug. “I’ve moved on.”

“But have you?” Peter asked pointedly. “You may have physically moved away from them, but emotionally? Have you truly let go of the hurt they caused?”

Paul was taken aback by Peter’s question. He had prided himself on being able to move past his family’s rejection and focus on building a successful career. But after Martha and Emily’s visit, he knew that the wounds were still there. That’s why he was seeing Dr. Grey.

“I ... I thought I had,” Paul said, his voice faltering. “But I’ve been thinking a lot these days. My mother never accepted me in full, even before the whole Circle incident,” he started slowly, his voice shaking slightly with emotion. “She wanted me to be someone I wasn’t – someone I couldn’t be.”

Peter nodded understandingly. “It’s not easy to confront our pain, but sometimes it’s necessary for healing.”

Lisa spoke up. “Paul, we didn’t just come here to apologize for what happened in the past. We also wanted to extend an invitation.”

Paul raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“We’re having a small gathering at our house next week,” Lisa explained. “It’s just some close friends, no one from the Circle. We would love for you to join us.”

Paul thought it over. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s too soon. Maybe in the future.”

“I understand,” Peter said sincerely. “Small steps.”

After some more small talk, Lisa and Peter left, leaving Paul alone with his thoughts once again.

Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, Mike had been lurking outside of Paul’s building, observing Lisa and Peter’s visit. He had been filled with jealousy and anger, blaming Paul for his banishment from the Circle.