Chapter 7

“Today I want to dive deeper into your emotions. You were rejected for not being attractive enough. Did the thought of making yourself more attractive ever cross your mind? Like hitting the gym, getting a makeover, anything?”

“At first, it was all I could think about. I wanted to fit in and be accepted. But then reality set in. Look at me, I’m short and overweight.”

“Being short is something you can’t change, but you can work on your fitness. Why not give it a shot?”

“None of them had to do it.”

The doctor’s silence gave Paul time to confront his inner turmoil.

“To work my ass off for two years or more just to have what they got handed to them? I don’t think so!” Paul’s words were laced with bitterness. The doctor’s pen scratched furiously in his notebook as he absorbed Paul’s intense emotions.

The doctor’s voice was gentle but probing as he asked, “What about revenge?” Paul shifted in his seat, his eyebrows raising in curiosity. The question caught him off guard, and he wasn’t sure what the doctor was getting at.

“What do you mean?” he finally asked.

“Did you ever consider seeking revenge against the circle?” the doctor clarified, his pen poised over the notebook on his lap. It was a necessary inquiry to better understand Paul’s thought processes.

Paul’s mind raced back to the early days after his disappearance, filled with hurt and betrayal. “I had some revenge fantasies from time to time,” he admitted, “but they were just that, fantasies. In the end ... no.” His voice trailed off as he looked down at his hands, clasped tightly in his lap. “You know, nobody owes me sex. If they didn’t want me, it was their right. So, I just left all of them behind.”

The doctor scribbled something in his notebook before looking up at Paul again. “Do you love your family?” he suddenly asked.

Paul’s brow furrowed as he considered the question. It was one he rarely pondered himself. “Sometimes yes, sometimes no,” he responded honestly. “The truth is, I don’t know.” The weight of uncertainty hung heavy in the air between them as Paul struggled with his feelings towards his family.

“Dear Mrs. Jenkins, I’d like to have a session with you to talk about Paul. Please schedule it at your earliest convenience.”

Martha’s eyes widened as she read the message on her phone. Her heart raced with a mix of emotions - hesitation, guilt, and a sincere desire to help her son, Paul. The words on the screen seemed to taunt her, challenging her to confront her actions and the potential consequences.

She found herself strangely reluctant to answer. The prospect of facing her choices and mistakes was daunting, but also necessary for Paul’s healing process. She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, silently asking for strength. “Emily,” she called out to her daughter who was sitting nearby.

“Yes, Mom?” Emily responded, looking up from her book.

Martha showed her the message on her phone without saying a word. Her daughter’s face mirrored the conflicted feelings that were swirling in Martha’s mind.

“Do you want to go?” Emily asked softly.

“What kind of question is that?” Martha exclaimed, surprised by her own defensive tone. “Of course I want to go. Anything to help your brother!”

“I didn’t ask if you would go, Mom. I asked if you wanted to go,” Emily clarified gently. “It’s not the same question.”

Martha felt deflated as she admitted the truth. “I ... I don’t want to,” she confessed, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m afraid of what I’ll discover ... not only about Paul, but about myself.”

Without hesitation, Emily wrapped her arms around her mom in a comforting hug. “It’s for Paul, Mom. That’s the only thing that matters.” A small smile tugged at the corners of Martha’s lips as she hugged her daughter back. “You’re right, Honey. I’ll call him back at once.” She knew that facing the doctor and confronting her past actions was scary, but it was worth it if it meant helping Paul heal and move forward.

Martha’s hands shook while she drove to Dr. Grey’s office. She had been dreading this moment, the anticipation of facing her past mistakes weighing heavily on her mind. She knew that she would have to face the consequences of her neglect towards her son.

She couldn’t stop thinking about Paul, and how she would explain her neglect and abandonment to him. How could she possibly justify her actions? How could she ever make amends for the pain she had caused? Would he ever be able to forgive her?”

But it wasn’t just Martha who was consumed by guilt. Emily was not without fault either. While Martha’s actions were passive, Emily actively took pleasure in harming her brother. She knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to face Dr. Grey herself, and the thought of being judged and condemned filled her with fear and guilt. Although her mom was the one meeting Dr. Grey, she couldn’t help to wonder what to expect from a therapy session for herself. She knew it wouldn’t be easy for her to face the consequences of her cruelty. She feared the time that Dr. Grey would summon her, as he had summoned her mother. She couldn’t help but wonder if she even deserved to be saved by someone like Dr. Grey.

Martha sat nervously in the sterile waiting room of Dr. Grey’s office, fidgeting with her hands as she mentally rehearsed what she would say to him. She knew that he would have questions for her and she tried to anticipate every possible one.

Suddenly, the receptionist called out her name and Martha snapped out of her reverie. Taking a deep breath, she stood up and made her way into the doctor’s office.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Jenkins,” Dr. Grey greeted her warmly. “Hello, Doctor,” she replied, trying to match his friendly tone. He gestured for her to sit on the couch, following traditional therapist protocols of having the patient on a couch and the doctor in a chair behind them.

Dr. Grey spoke first, setting some ground rules. “Just so we’re clear, Paul has not given me permission to share any information about him other than the fact that he is in treatment and making progress. I kindly ask that you refrain from asking me about him during these sessions. If at any time I consider necessary to share information, I will ask Paul first and then will do it in our next session.”

“I understand,” Martha responded, feeling a bit taken aback by the bluntness of his words but also understanding his reasoning.

“The same goes for you. I won’t share anything of what is said here with him unless you authorize it.”

“Oh, please, I have no secrets. You can tell him anything!” she offered.

Dr. Grey used his professional voice. “That’s okay, but blanket statements may be counterproductive. I’d rather ask you on an individual basis as we progress.”

She nodded.

Dr. Grey relaxed on his chair. “Now, as you may have already guessed, I am also part of the incestuous lifestyle,” he continued with a smile. “So please feel free to speak openly without fear of judgment or condemnation.”

Martha felt a mix of relief and apprehension at this assertion. Could she truly open up to someone who was also living a taboo life?

“So, why do you think you’re here?” Dr. Grey posed the question gently.

Tears welled up in Martha’s eyes as she struggled to find the right words. “I messed up ... I lost my child because of my actions ... and I want nothing more than to bring him back into our lives,” she finally answered with a heavy heart.

Dr. Grey sat back in his chair and clicked his pen, ready to take notes. Martha took a deep breath, her nerves settling as she saw the genuine concern in the doctor’s warm eyes.

“First of all, I’d like to talk about you,” Dr. Grey began. “How did you start in the lifestyle?”

Martha hesitated, but the soothing tone of Dr. Grey’s voice encouraged her to open up. “Well, my Dad initiated me when I was eighteen,” she started. “I had been preparing for it since I was sixteen, when my brother John went through the same process with our mom on his 18th birthday.”

“Did you ever feel compelled or coerced to participate?” Dr. Grey asked, his pen poised to jot down any important details.

“No, never!” Martha exclaimed, taken aback by the question. “What kind of question is that?”

“I meant no offense, Mrs. Jenkins,” Dr. Grey clarified quickly. “It’s just a part of my standard questioning process.”