Chapter 6

Paul tried to focus on his work that day, but his mind kept drifting back to the encounter with his mother and sister. Their words and expressions haunted him, making it difficult to concentrate on troubleshooting his clients’ IT issues.

By the end of his shift, he felt drained both mentally and emotionally. As he walked home, he debated whether to stop by the liquor store. A part of him craved the numbing effects of alcohol to quiet his turbulent thoughts. But he resisted the urge, knowing it would only be a temporary escape.

Back in his apartment, Paul heated up some leftovers for dinner and settled in front of his computer.

He couldn’t shake off the negative emotions that were consuming him. The sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness felt like a heavy weight on his shoulders, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find a way to lighten the load.

“What if I end everything?” he asked himself. It was a very dangerous line of thought, but at that moment it was frighteningly attractive. He thought about all the ways he could do it – pills, hanging, jumping off a building. He knew these thoughts were irrational and that there were people who cared about him. But in that moment of despair, those thoughts seemed insignificant.

Perhaps it was fate, or chance, but at that moment Paul’s phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number:

“Paul, this is your Uncle John. I know you don’t want to hear from us, but please hear me out. We’ve realized how badly we hurt you and want to make amends. We’ve found a therapist who specializes in family reconciliation. Would you consider speaking with him, just once? No obligation beyond that. We just want you to be happy, even if that means without us. The doctor’s name is Dr. Richard Grey. His number is 555-0199. Please think about it. We love you.”

Paul stared at the message, his emotions swirling. Part of him wanted to immediately delete it and block the number. But another part, the part that remembered the anguish of his nightmares, felt a tiny flicker of hope.

After agonizing over it for hours, Paul finally picked up his phone and saved the doctor’s number. He didn’t call or text back to his uncle, but having the option gave him a small sense of control.

The next few days passed in a fog for Paul. He went through the motions at work, but his mind kept circling back to his family and the therapist. By Friday evening, he found himself staring at Dr. Grey’s number on his phone.

With trembling fingers, Paul pressed “Call.”

“Dr. Grey’s office,” a cheerful voice answered.

“Um, hi. My name is Paul ... Paul Exposito. I was given this number by my uncle.”

“Ah yes, we’ve been expecting your call, Mr. Exposito. Dr. Grey has an opening next Tuesday at 2pm. Would that work for you?”

Paul hesitated. This suddenly felt very real. “I ... I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.”

The receptionist’s voice softened. “It’s okay to be nervous, Mr. Exposito. The first step is often the hardest. Dr. Grey specializes in helping people work through difficult family situations. Why don’t we pencil you in for Tuesday, and if you change your mind before then, you can always cancel. No pressure.”

Paul took a deep breath. “Okay. Tuesday at 2pm.”

“Excellent. I’ll send you an email with the address and some paperwork to fill out beforehand. Do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” Paul said. “Will my family be there?”

The receptionist was reassuring. “I understand that they won’t be there at first, but a time may come when they need to be there. In the end it’s up to Dr. Grey to decide, depending on your own needs. I hope this answers your question.”

“I think so. Well, I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

“Have a good day, Mr. Exposito.”

Paul hung up the phone, his heart racing. He had taken the first step, but he wasn’t sure if it was towards reconciliation or further pain. The days until Tuesday crawled by, filled with anxiety and second-guessing.

When Tuesday finally arrived, Paul found himself standing outside an unassuming office building. He checked the address again, took a deep breath, and walked inside.

The receptionist greeted him warmly and directed him to a comfortable waiting area. A few minutes later, a door opened and a man in his 50s with salt-and-pepper hair and kind eyes emerged.

“Paul? I’m Dr. Grey. Please come in.”

Paul followed him into a cozy office and sat down on a plush sofa. Dr. Grey settled into an armchair across from him.

“So, Paul,” Dr. Grey began gently. “Let me be clear on this. Your family may have found me, but I promise you that if you become my patient, my first duty will be to ensure your well-being and sanity. Having said this, your mother has told me a story. I’d like to hear your version.”

Paul took a deep breath and began to recount his experiences to Dr. Grey. As he spoke, years of pent-up emotions came pouring out.

“I grew up feeling different from the rest of my family. My siblings were attractive and popular, while I was overweight and socially awkward. I always felt like an outsider,” Paul said, his voice tight with pain. “My siblings were the golden children - attractive, popular, athletic. And I was ... well, I was me. Chubby, awkward, more interested in computers than sports.”

He described the constant teasing and pranks from his siblings, the way his cousins excluded him, how his mother seemed to favor his brother and sister.

“But I told myself it would all change when I turned 18,” Paul continued. “I knew about the family circle. I thought finally I’d be accepted, that I’d have a chance to experience love and intimacy like everyone else.”

As I got older, I became aware of the ‘family circle’ that everyone in my family seemed to be a part of. I was told I’d be able to join when I turned 18, and I clung to that hope. I thought it would finally be my chance to be accepted, to belong. But when the time came, I was rejected.”

His voice cracked as he recounted the devastating rejection on his 18th birthday. “My mom told me I needed to live a ‘normal life’ instead. It felt like a cruel joke - as if my life had ever been normal.” He laughed sadly. “I thought the circle would finally be my chance to belong, to be accepted,” Paul remarked, his voice cracking slightly. “But instead, it just confirmed what I’d always feared - that I wasn’t good enough, that I’d never truly be part of the family.”

He went on to recount how he’d left home that night, unable to face the humiliation any longer. The years since then had been a struggle to build a life for himself, always haunted by feelings of inadequacy and abandonment.

“I’ve tried to move on, but it’s hard. And my mother and sister reappearing suddenly in my life didn’t help at all.”

“Your mother told me that you were offered to be part of the circle. Why didn’t you accept?”

Paul’s face twisted with a mixture of pain and anger. “It wasn’t a real offer,” he said bitterly. “It was just guilt and pity. My sister let it slip in her email that none of the women actually wanted to have sex with me. They were just willing to do it to try to make amends.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want pity sex. I wanted to be truly accepted and desired, like everyone else in the family. But that was never going to happen. I was always going to be the ugly duckling they tolerated out of obligation.”

He clenched his fists, anger and hurt evident in his voice. “Can you imagine how that felt? To know that for years, while I was eagerly waiting to join, they had already decided to reject me? That every time they told me to wait until I was 18, it was a lie?”

He was repeating himself, but he couldn’t avoid it.

“And now? They still find me physically repulsive but are willing to ‘take one for the team’ to get me back? No, I’d rather be alone than be a charity case.”

Paul’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “And then to have my mother suddenly offer herself to me ... it felt like pity. Like she was only doing it out of guilt or obligation. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be desired, to be accepted, Dr. Grey nodded thoughtfully. “I can understand why you would feel that way. Being rejected by your family, especially in such an intimate way, must have been incredibly painful. You wanted genuine acceptance, not a consolation prize.”

“Exactly,” Paul agreed. “And even if I had accepted, how long would it have lasted? A few awkward encounters before they found excuses to avoid me again?”

Dr. Grey nodded thoughtfully as Paul finished speaking. “Thank you for sharing that with me, Paul. I can hear how deeply painful this has all been for you.” He paused, choosing his next words carefully. “I want you to know that your feelings are valid. The rejection and exclusion you experienced from your family was deeply hurtful and unfair.”

Paul nodded, blinking back tears.

“Paul, I want to thank you for your honesty. What you’ve been through is incredibly difficult, and I can understand how deeply hurt you’ve been by your family’s actions over the years. The rejection you experienced, especially around the ‘circle’, clearly had a profound impact on your self-worth and sense of belonging.”

“You mentioned feeling like an outsider in your family from a young age. Can you tell me more about that?”

Paul sighed. “I guess it started when I was pretty young. Mike and Emily were always so close, being twins. They were athletic and popular. I was just ... different. Chubby, shy, more interested in computers than sports or dating.”

“How did your mother respond to those differences?” Dr. Grey probed gently.

Paul considered Dr. Grey’s question carefully. “My mom ... I think she tried, in her own way. But it always felt like she didn’t quite know what to do with me. Mike and Emily were easy - they were outgoing, did well in school and sports. She’d get excited about their games or school dances. I was the quiet one who preferred to stay in my room tinkering with computers. With me, it felt more like she was just going through the motions”

He frowned, a painful memory surfacing... “I remember once in middle school, I won first place in a regional science fair. I was so excited to tell her. But when I got home, Emily had just made the cheerleading squad. Mom was ecstatic, hugging her and talking about getting ice cream to celebrate. When I tried to tell her about my award, she just said ‘That’s nice, honey’ and went back to fussing over Emily. It was like she couldn’t relate to my interests at all.”

Dr. Grey nodded sympathetically. “That must have been very hurtful. It sounds like you often felt overlooked or less valued compared to your siblings.”

“Yeah, it was,” Paul admitted. “And things like that happened a lot when I was growing up.”

“And when did they start to have sex?”

Paul’s face flushed with a mix of anger and shame. “That was ... difficult,” he said quietly.

I knew about the circle from an early age, but I didn’t fully understand what it meant until I was a teenager. Then suddenly I was very aware of what was going on. Mike and Emily started having sex when they were 16. I could hear them sometimes at night.”

He swallowed hard. “And then when they turned 17, my mom started joining them. I’d see little moments of intimacy between them - touches, looks. It was like they were part of this secret club that I wasn’t allowed to join. I told myself it would be my turn when I turned 18, that I’d finally be included. But deep down, I think I always knew they didn’t want me that way”

Paul’s hands clenched into fists. “It was torture. I was going through puberty, dealing with all these new feelings and urges. And it wasn’t just them. I’d hear my mom too, with my uncle or cousins, openly sexual with each other, while I was completely excluded. They’d make jokes about it sometimes, reminding me I couldn’t participate until I reached 18.”

“How did that make you feel?” Dr. Grey prompted gently.

“Lonely. Confused. Angry,” Paul admitted. “I kept telling myself that when I turned 18, I’d finally be included. That I’d get to experience that closeness, that intimacy. But deep down, I think I always knew it wouldn’t happen. I wasn’t like them.”

Dr. Grey listened intently. “That must have been incredibly isolating, to feel so excluded from such an intimate part of your family’s life.”

Paul nodded. “That was not the only part of my family’s life I was excluded from. I was never invited to parties, non-sexual parties, I mean. I could hear Emily talking for hours with one cousin or other. Mike, too. My phone was always silent.”

“Was there any bullying?”

Paul’s face darkened at Dr. Grey’s question about bullying. He was quiet for a long moment before responding.

“Oh yes, there was plenty of bullying,” he said bitterly. “My siblings ... they could be cruel. It started when we were young - little pranks and teasing. But as we got older, it got worse.”

He recounted painful memories - Mike and Emily excluding him from games and social activities, mocking his weight and interests, spreading embarrassing rumors about him at school, being called “Tubby” and other cruel nicknames, having his belongings hidden or damaged.

“The worst was probably when I was 16,” Paul said, his voice tight. “There was this girl I really liked, Shirley. Emily told me Shirley had a secret crush on me and dared me to ask her out. I was so excited, I actually believed her.”

Paul’s hands clenched into fists. “Of course, it was all a setup. When I asked Shirley out in front of everyone, she laughed in my face. The whole school was laughing at me. When I got home, Emily was already on the phone, telling one of our cousins about that. She looked at me, and laughed.”

“About Emily ... I used to adore her. I never understood why she was so mean to me. Mark I could understand, he was a jock and I was a geek, and jocks abusing geeks is somehow law of nature. But Emily was my sister. She was supposed to care about her younger brother.”

His voice broke for a moment.

“When I ... when I asked her to be my first kiss, she told me I had to wait until 18. Mark didn’t need to wait to fuck her and mom, but I needed to wait for a simple kiss.” The rancor in his voice was evident to the doctor. “Only after I turned 18 did I realize she had already decided that she would never touch me.”

“It sounds like Emily’s actions were particularly harmful to you,” Dr. Grey observed gently. “You looked up to her as an older sister, but she repeatedly rejected and humiliated you instead of offering the love and protection you craved.”

Paul nodded, blinking back tears. “I just wanted her to accept me, to be on my side. But she was always laughing at me, excluding me. And that prank with Shirley...” He shook his head. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive her for that.”