Chapter 5

He didn’t say a thing. His finger automatically pushed the button to open the downstairs door, allowing them into the building.

“How did she find me?” was his first coherent thought. “What does she want?” was a close second. He started to consciously breathe in and out, trying to slow his heart rate. After a minute, his hands stopped shaking.

He heard the door chime. He opened the door and there she was. His former mother, Martha. But she wasn’t alone. His former sister, Emily, was there, too. He stared at them. He was about to open his mouth to unload all the anger he felt onto them, but never had the chance. Emily jumped him, her arms locked around his neck, and crying hysterically into his ear.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry...” she repeated, her eyes bathed in tears. “I love you, please forgive me, I love you, my brother, my Paul...” As she hung from his neck, they fell together onto the carpeted floor. He tried to free himself, but Emily didn’t budge and kept crying about how sorry she was.

Suddenly, he felt a second set of arms around him. “Paul, honey, my love, my child...”

They stayed locked for a few minutes, until Paul felt Martha’s arms trying to help him up.

“Emily, please ... I need to stand up.”

“No, I won’t let you go ... I don’t want to let you go, ever!” she cried, hugging him even more fiercely.

“Ok, but we can’t stay on the floor,” he said. She reluctantly loosened her grip on his body, allowing both of them to stand up. Even then, she refused to let him completely go, her arms tightly hugging his own and her face buried in his shoulder.

Paul wanted to summon his anger, but it was hard to be angry while standing face-to-face with two crying and evidently distressed women. So, he simply asked, “What are you doing here?”

His mom answered first, “Paul, we came to bring you home.”

“Why?” he asked. Perhaps anger wouldn’t come yet, but the bitterness was already there. “Why would you want me back? I’m fat, ugly, a loser. The circle doesn’t need or want me.”

“Paulie, I’m so sorry about that,” Emily pleaded. “I ... we were immature and dumb, we didn’t realize what was actually important, we didn’t mean to hurt you...”

“Didn’t mean to hurt me? DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT ME!?” Now his anger did come back. “You deceived me for years! You made me believe I was a part of the family, and all that time you had already decided I wasn’t worthy of you!” His body was shaking in rage over the resentment. “You ... you...” suddenly his body could take no more and his legs collapsed under him, making him fall to his knees. He was no longer Paul Exposito, a successful and professional adult, but Paul Jenkins, the self-conscious teen and former bullied child. Years of repressed tears poured from his eyes in an uncontrollable flood.

Martha looked at him in anguish. Not even the day he left had she felt such pain. She was witnessing first-hand what her actions had done to her son. Emily was almost catatonic, too. Martha knew that, if she wanted to save her family, she couldn’t afford to fall into despair. Her children needed her now, and she had to be strong for them.

So, she waited in silence until Paul finished cleansing himself of all the poison in his soul. Only then would he be able to listen and, perhaps, heal.

Paul’s eyes opened. He was in his bed, very tired, and his whole body hurting. He felt slightly disoriented, but when he was about to rise, he suddenly felt a body next to him.

“Aaaahhh!!” he cried in alarm. A blonde mane moved and his sister’s face filled his field of vision.

“Paul, it’s ok, you’re safe!” she said, hugging him. “You’re safe,” she cooed. “It’s just me, Emily.”

“Emily?” he thought, still confused. One moment later, he remembered what had happened ... hours before? There was still daylight outside, so it couldn’t have been long since he opened the door for them.

“Honey,” he heard. Turning his head, he saw his mother’s face, looking at him in alarm. “Are you ok?”

“What are you doing here?”

“We came for you. I know you don’t believe us, but you’re wrong. We’re your family, we love you, and we need you with us.”

“Yeah, right,” he scoffed. “As you can see, I’m still fat, still ugly and still a nerd. Why would you want me?”

“Paul, please,” he heard Emily from his other side. “I know we hurt you badly, but we have changed. I have changed. Give us a chance to right the wrong we did to you.”

He was tired, and his body was hurting. He felt as if he had finished a boxing match.

“Look, right now, I don’t want to think or talk. I need to rest. Please go.”

“It’s okay, Son, we will let you rest.” With those words, Emily and Martha left the room. Paul’s head fell on the pillow and was out within seconds.

When Paul had told them to leave, he had meant for them to leave his home, but Martha chose to misunderstand it as just leaving his bedroom.

“Will he be ok, Mom?” Emily whispered.

“It was a lot of emotions in a very short time,” she explained with a reassuring, motherly smile. “Now his body needs to recover from the adrenaline rush. He will sleep a few more hours. I hope we will be able to talk then.”

“Do you think he will forgive us?”

Concern returned to her countenance. “I don’t know, Em. I don’t know.”

She would have liked to get professional advice, but not only was she in a strange city but the particular nature of their relationship precluded them from seeking a counselor or a psychologist. She would have to play it by ear and hope she understood what went on in her son’s mind.

Paul woke up again, this time thanks to his bladder. He checked his phone and saw it was still Friday afternoon. This time, he felt a bit less ill, so he stood up in silence to go to the bathroom. The door was ajar, though, and he heard the women talking in the living room. He quietly opened the door a little wider so he could listen.

“ ... so, I told him that Shirley had a crush on him. At that time, he was so used to being the target of our pranks that he didn’t believe me. I dared him to ask her out, to prove that he had balls. He did it, and Shirley shot him down, bad. Later that day, the whole school knew about it. When he came home, he didn’t say a thing. He just looked at me. And I laughed like all the others.”

“And I knew nothing about this,” his mom sighed. “Why are you telling me this now, after so many years?”

“At that time, it was just another prank, nothing of significance. And when he left, I was too ashamed to tell anybody about it being my idea. But now, when I saw him cry like that...” She started to sob.

Paul sat on the floor next to the door. He remembered the laughs, the humiliation, but mainly his sister’s laugh when he arrived home. He had arrived late and tired after the long walk, because he had chosen not to sit in a school bus full of people making fun of him, and his siblings were too cool to wait for him to ride home together in his brother’s car. He kept listening.

“I always knew Mike and you were especially close, being twins,” said Martha. “But I never realized that both of you were so distant from Paul. I always thought it was just the normal siblings’ rivalry.” continued Martha. “I mean, John and I were always fighting when we were younger, but then we grew up and we became closer. I’d say we’re now closer and love each other more than most brothers and sisters.”

“When did that happen?” asked Emily, venturing a smile.

“When we were about eighteen,” Tina smiled back. “It was just af...” Suddenly, her expression changed. “Just after we started to have sex.”

“Oh, Mom,” Emily whined, forlorn.

Paul thought back to that time in his life. He was impatient to join the circle. Not only because of the sex, he was a horny, hormonal teenager, after all, but because he wanted to become a part of the whole. It was hard for him to be the fat boy in a family of beautiful people, but he just knew that, when he proved that he was able to satisfy his female relatives, his cousins and siblings would include him in their fun outings, invite him to their parties, introduce him to their friends. His dream, to be seen as an equal, not as “Tubby”, his hated nickname.

But, instead, his dream was shattered. He finally understood that he would always be the outcast in his family. Unable to cope with that reality, he simply had packed his bags and left.

Back to the present, his bladder still demanded release, so he stood up and went to the bathroom.

The noise alerted both women that Paul was awake.

They waited until Paul finished his business, and, when he finally appeared, his mom timidly asked, “Paul, can we talk?”

Paul looked at her and decided that, the sooner they had their say, the sooner they would leave. “Ok, talk,” he sighed, turning away and starting the coffee maker.

“Son, first of all, I want to apologize. We had a bad situation and our actions made it worse.”

“What bad situation was that, Martha?”

Her eyes watered upon hearing Paul calling her ‘Martha’ instead of ‘Mom’. Still, she decided to ignore the barb and carry on.

“We, I mean your aunts and I, heard that the girls had decided not to have sex with you. We didn’t know what to do. We were trying to spare you the pain and humiliation, but instead we messed up and made everything worse.”

“And why was that, Martha? The not-wanting-sex-with-me part, I mean,” Paul asked. Of course, he already knew the answer, but he had decided not to make things easier for anybody in his former family.

Martha didn’t want to say it aloud, but after a few seconds she understood that nothing but utter sincerity would be acceptable.

“They thought you were fat and weird,” she said quietly.

“I see,” answered Paul, still facing away from her. He couldn’t complain, he had asked the question and expected an honest answer. But it was hard to actually hear the words.

“So, why did you tell me all that ‘normal life’ bullshit?

“As I said, we wanted to spare you the humiliation. It was a bad decision, and your uncle John made us realize it.”

“What?” said Paul, suddenly interested, but still looking at the coffee maker. This was new information. “What did Uncle John do?”

“He made us see that, even if the girls didn’t want you, there were plenty of older women, myself included, to receive you in the circle. That when the girls saw you with us, they would become interested, too. But none of us thought about it.”

“You decided instead that I would not become a part of the circle,” Paul concluded. “What did the other men say about it?”

“Well ... actually we didn’t ask them. Since, in the end, we are the ones who decide who to have sex with, us women had a meeting and men were not invited to attend.”

“Then it was true. None of the women, old or young, wanted me,” Paul said. “You know, it’s hard to be the ugly one in the family, but sometimes it’s unbearable.”

“Oh, Paul,” said his mom, aghast. “You don’t really believe you’re that, do you?”

Until now, Paul had been facing away from them. But now he turned towards the two women. He didn’t need to answer.

Emily had remained in silence until this moment. But when she saw his eyes, all kinds of past things hit her like a ton of bricks. Not acknowledging him at school. Telling him to disappear when she brought friends home. Their malicious pranks. Making him ride the school bus when she and Mike rode in his car. His pathetic attempts to join his siblings just to be told to stay away.

“God,” she thought, distraught. “I’m evil. I’m actually evil.”

“Paul, I...” his mom started, but Paul interrupted her.

“Please, sit down.”

They sat on the sofa. He looked at his mom’s eyes and said, “Please, go on.”

Suddenly, Martha’s mind went blank. She forgot the whole speech she had rehearsed every day since John handed her the file. But he kept looking at her, waiting.

“Paul, I ... Paul, I’m so sorry for the way I treated you, for the way we treated you. First, for not being a loving mom, and second, for excluding you from the circle.”

Paul still didn’t say a word.

“I want to atone for all of that, but I don’t know how.” He raised an eyebrow. “Well,” she thought. “Of course, I know at least one way to start.” She began to open her blouse. But to her surprise, Paul quickly gestured her to stop.

“You wanted to talk, so talk. Talk only,” he said.

“Of course,” she thought. “So many wrongs won’t be fixed with a simple fuck.”

She left her blouse alone. “Paul, you were so different from your siblings. I mean, you were the smart one, the one who always got good grades, who I didn’t need to nag to pick up your room or do your chores. I always knew that you would be okay, so I focused on Em and Mike. I forgot that life is a lot more than good grades.”

“And...?” Paul looked her in the eyes while waving his hand in a circular motion, showing that he expected more.

Martha was battling with herself. The next few seconds would be painful, but she had promised to tell the truth. Oh, yes, the truth she had not wanted to admit, even to herself.

“Paul, what I’m going to say will be very painful, and I’m afraid it will break us forever.”

Paul saved her the effort. “That I’m not my father’s son?”

Both Martha and Emily were speechless.

“How ... how did you know?” asked a shocked Martha.

“Thanks for confirming it,” Paul said. “The idea came to me just a few seconds ago. When you said I was totally different from my siblings. I had always thought it was the genetic lottery, but then I realized that I’m not only different from them, but all the family members. I have some of your traits, but the rest is foreign. I know you’re my mom because we have all those pics of me as a newborn, so the answer was obvious.”

Emily was horrified. “No, it’s impossible! You’re lying!” she blurted.

Martha tried to hug her but was forcefully rejected. “Don’t touch me! How could you cheat on Dad!” cried Emily.

“I never cheated on your father! It was ... it was...” she didn’t want to say it.

“A mistake,” Paul finished her sentence. “My whole existence was a mistake.”

“No!” she yelled. “Please, let me explain...” Martha breathed deeply, and started.

“When we were still childless, your dad and I were swingers. We actually had met at a party and, somehow, we clicked, fell in love, and married. I brought him into the circle, it was easy because of our swinger background. We left the scene for a time because the circle was enough for us. But after Em and Mike were born, we occasionally started to go to parties. When we decided to have another child, I stopped my birth control and always used protection when having sex with others. Somehow, something happened. Perhaps a bad condom, perhaps stealthing, I don’t know. The thing is, I got pregnant. And we were ecstatic.”

She looked at Paul before she continued.

“When you were born, our family was complete. You would be the three most loved children in the world. And you were, but then your father died. When I was sorting his papers, I found his diary. I read it and there it was. He had done a DNA test years ago and you weren’t his biological son. He knew, Paul, and he didn’t say a thing. He had decided that you were his son and loved you with all his heart. He also knew I was not a cheater, he never doubted my love for him. That was the time when he decided for us to leave the swinging scene and keep our sexual activities to the circle. He had decided to hide the truth not only from you, but also from me.”

Nobody said anything for a few minutes.

Paul was lost in thought. He had so many wonderful memories with his dad and mom and siblings, but after his death, there was a subtle change in his mom’s attitude towards him. It was as if his mom was just going through the motions with him. Now he knew the reason. She might have told herself that it didn’t matter, but her actions and attitude towards him gave the lie to that statement. He didn’t think she did it consciously, but she did it anyway.

Emily was also thinking. Then she started to talk.

“Paul, I’m as surprised as you about this. I swear I never knew. What Mike and I did had nothing to do with this. I know there is no justification for the way we treated you, and I will never be able to apologize enough.”

Paul looked at her just as expectedly as he looked at their mother before, so she continued.

“Since we were kids, Mike and I had a special relationship, being twins. They say twins have a stronger connection than normal siblings, and in our case it was true. The truth is, you weren’t on our radar for a long time and, when you appeared, we saw you more like a nuisance. And when we entered the circle, the gap between us only grew larger.” She saw the pain in his face, but decided to go on. After all, nothing but utmost sincerity would work now. Emily waited for Paul to say something but, when he didn’t, she continued. “It was like ... excluding you was another game for us, something to bond over about. We pranked you because that gave us a common, easy target. The thing is, at that time, we didn’t think of you as our brother, so we didn’t think about your feelings or that we were making you suffer.”

“I was not your brother, but I was still a human being,” Paul retorted.

Emily blushed in shame. “I know, right? But we were just two little shits joined together by a common cause. And mom didn’t say a thing, so we started to believe you didn’t matter anyway.”

Their mom blushed. Emily’s words had highlighted an uncomfortable truth: Martha didn’t care.

“Then when we grew up, our pranks escalated. At no time we thought about it as mean or cruel. You were Paul, and you were meant to be the butt of our jokes.” At any other time, Emily would have tried to minimize the impact of their abuse. But now, after seeing Paul crumpled on the floor, crying, she felt like dying.

“Paul, won’t you say something?” she asked.

“No,” he said. “Please continue.”

“You know Mike and I started to fool around, kisses and stuff, long before joining the circle. Well, that was a natural progression, since we knew about our family’s lifestyle. It was something that made us closer, but at the same time you were further excluded. And then...”

“And then you rejected me.” There was a sad smile on his face. “You know, I had always dreamed of getting my first kiss from you.”

Emily looked at him, surprised. “What?”

“What’s so strange about that? You were my sister, you were beautiful, I loved you. I saw how you were with Mike, and wanted that for me, too.”

She looked at him. “Yes, I know you asked me and I told you to wait until you turned eighteen. I thought it was fun to tease and deny you. If I had known it was so important for you, I...”

“Sincerity...” interrupted Paul.

She looked at the floor. “I ... It wouldn’t have changed anything. I’m so sorry for being such a bitch to you, Paulie.”

Paul simply nodded. “Thanks for your honesty.”

She continued. “I don’t know if, at that time, I had already decided not to have sex with you, but when our cousins started to talk shit about you, I joined them. At no time did I think about how you would feel about it. It was only when I heard Uncle John make a comment about a “safe place” that I understood what we had done. We were supposed to be your safe place, and we weren’t. Instead, we were your nemesis. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Please believe me, I’m so sorry about it!”

“Oh, that’s not important anymore,” he said. “I’ve accepted my lot in life, I’m at peace with it.”