Dear Dkhotroca

Or A Human advice column.

Dear Dkhotroca is an alien advice column started a few weeks after humans started to really get involved with living in the galaxy after first contact in 2328.

Dear Dkhotroca,

Our human neighbor has an annoying habit when everyone visits him for his weekly BBQ cooking party he started when he moved in.

Every time he is cooking on his portable cooking device, he clicks his metal grippers twice before doing anything like turning over the meats and vegetables that he is grilling.

Is our human broken in some way?

Confused, Ghooqut-II.

Dear Confused,

I am glad you contacted my advice column. First, your human is not broken, they are okay.

What they are doing is called ‘Dad behavior’ or ‘grilling etiquette’ and is derived from ancient human practices when they were still stuck on their home planet.

There are some mystical qualities and ideas about all people grilling being required to click their ‘tongs’ twice before cooking to remove bad luck and ensuring a good cooking experience.

If you question your human neighbor about why he does it, he will probably regale you with a story about how a friend of a friend didn’t click their tongs and everything was burnt or a storm happened and ruined their BBQ.

This is just a harmless human habit.

You will make better friends with your human if you help him with cooking and also click your tongs twice as a show of respect.

Good luck with your human friend.

Dkhotroca, Ahloph-III.

Dear Dkhotroca,

We are writing to you for some advice.

Recently a strange alien moved into our residential complex and it spends a lot of time outside watching the younglings at play. It spends most of it’s time sitting on a bench watching the younglings but yesterday it interacted when a few of the younglings got involved in a fight.

It stood up and moved to them and got down close to them and gently pulled the fighting younglings apart and quietly talked to them.

The younglings were not hurt but we are worried about this alien because it spends so much time watching them.

Should we call the guards about our worries?

We have including a picture taken of the alien on the bench.

Thank you,

Worried Parents of younglings, Sghart’s Moon, Sghart-6.

Dear Worried Parents of Younglings,

I quickly did some research on the picture you sent because the well being of younglings is always important. I contacted the military and civilian guards (Police) of the Humans, whose soldier you have living in your complex.

You and the younglings are safe. Their military was able to identify your alien as a member of their 15th Droptrooper regiment the ‘Saviors’ who has retired after 30 years of meritorious service.

This human, which is his species, has no criminal history and is a very well rewarded retired military commander who has chosen to live on your moon because of injuries he suffered rescuing civilians in a war 4 years ago.

He was commendated for saving groups of younglings despite the danger to himself in doing so.

So your younglings couldn’t be in safer grippers.

This human, Major Shane Pascel, is a bit of a shy person so you will have to approach him slowly. The best way is to get your younglings to ask him to have a meal with your families in the play module so you can thank him for his watching of your children.

Have fun,

Dkhotroca, Ahloph-III

Dear Dkhotroca,

Recently we have been seeing a human walking around our station after work hours, singing to themself and drinking an industrial cleanser.

Should we be worried?

Worried, Station 8829A01, Twoppij System.

Dear Worried on Station 8829A01,

I read up a bit on these humans and I am pretty sure you should not be too worried.

The industrial cleanser your human has been drinking is based on hydrocarbons called alcohol and is a intoxicant for humans. But this may not be safe for them if the cleanser is mixed with other solvents.

My advice is to contact your local guards and medical to make enquires of this human to ensure he is not harming himself and to guide him to a safer form of intoxicants for his species.

Thank you for looking out for your neighbors.

Dkhotroca, Ahloph-III.

Dear Dkohtroca,

Recently we have had a few humans start working in the mines here on Hophast-IV and one of my nest-sibs has been finding that a human is bothering her with offers of food, drinks and offering to take her to see edutainment vids or music broadcasts in the rec-hab.

They are not being aggressive or threating to her or any of us nest-sibs when we are around, so we are confused over why they may be doing this.

Very Confused, Hophast-IV.

Dear Very Confused,

First your nest-sib is not in danger.

I had to research a few things before I could give you any advice. This is an inter-species behavior that could be disruptive of the peace if not handled properly.

I had to look at details of your species and contact a human researcher I know of to confirm a few details before I could reply.

You and your nest-sibs are a species called Ghastreth. To human they appear to be a combination of ‘snake’, humanoid and ‘cat’. All species which humans can find very appealing. And after I showed my friend a picture of yoru species, he too was very excited to see a species like yours that was ‘cute’ and ‘cuddly’.

It appears that this human has seen your nest-sib and is attracted to her in a mating way but instead of knowing your species mating habits and rituals, they are trying to use what they know from human mating rituals.

They wouldn’t know of your ritual of the Nest Building or Net Stringing to show off for a mate, so they are trying to use human mating rituals of offering to share food and drinks, and to share entertainment time. These are rituals that show the human is a good providor for a possible mate and can show that they are interested in them not just as a mate but a companion of pleasure.

I have included a copy of related human mating rituals and our collaboration on which ones can be possibly shared between your species.

If you are interested, you can give a copy to the human if they are willing to accept it.

Hoping for good news,

Dkhotroca, Ahloph-III.

Dear Dkhotroca,

Recently we have had a family of some strange aliens move in close to our house. They don’t appear to be dangerous but one of their younglings has been seen running around their housing unit and digging up their yard, disturbing the beautiful Xkroph blossoms.

It also yells and shouts at passing vehicles and neighbors walking in the area and going by on our road.

We have seen that the humans have even punished this youngling by leaving it outside on a chain.

Should we contact the patrollers and report this family of humans for youngling abuse?

Very concerned neighbors, Kalltheth Planet, Soorner System.

Dear Very Concerned Neighbors,

I am very sure that the youngling you have seen outside causing concerns is a non-sapient Terran animal called a dog. They are kept as companions by human families for companionship and even defense.

The picture you have supplied is a wonderful picture of a dog called a Golden Retriever. A wonderful companion animal a lot of humans say.

There is no need to be ashamed of the confusion as this will have been your first encounter with humans and their pets.

I have sent you a information link describing humans and the assorted numbers of pets they have kept over the years. Be warned that your species looks remarkably like a human pet called a Guinea Pig but obviously very much larger, so don’t be surprised if you visit them and see one of their younglings with what appears to be a tiny Larph’sh in a cage.

Good luck,

Dkhotroca, Ahloph-III.

Dear Dkhotroca,

Recently a human has moved into our neighbourhood. I have noticed them every morning sitting outside their home, consuming a liquid and burning short sticks in front of their face.

After some research I found a human tradition called ‘fire-breathing’. As I have understood, it is used as a form of entertainment. But the amounts of liquid they usually use to perform this are way lower than what my neighbouring human uses. Also I haven’t seen them breathing fire yet.

Are they charging up for a gigantic fire-breathe? Should I be worried for my safety? It seems with the amount of liquid, they could burn down the entire neighbourhood.

Scared, Bezqlon.

Dear Scared,

I am happy to confirm that this human is not a fire breather. You and your neighborhood are not in danger of being brunt.

Unfortunately this human is ingesting mild intoxicants instead.

From your description, my human consultant has said that this human may be consuming Coffee and Cigarettes which contain Caffeine and Nicotine. Yes the human is ingesting a class 3 and a class 2 biotoxin.

But these humans come from a Deathworld class 14, and the plants on that planet naturally produce these biotoxins and the humans evolved to consume them with minimal harm to their bodies.

I would advise not to drink the coffee with them nor to breath in the smoke for an extended period of time as you may need medical attention.

The problems for humans who consume these toxins is that if they don’t regularly consume them, they get irritable and easily upset.

So better to speak to them after they have had a ‘drink’ and a ‘smoke’ in the morning.

Best of luck.

Dkhotroca, Ahloph-III.

Dear Dkhotroca,

My human neighbour was talking about his weekend plans, they all seemed to involve food, he told me “inside of him is a very fat human trying to escape”!

Do I need to report him to the authorities?

Will thus other human be OK?

How can a fat human fit inside a thin human?

Will the human eat my mate as she gets plumper before laying?

Is it safe to eat human food or will I also catch a “fat human”?

Please help Dkhotroca.

Dear Please Help,

’I am as confused as you are about what this human is saying.

I have a human consultant in my dwelling unit that I consult for questions like yours and it appears that your human is making things called jokes.

Jokes are untrue stories told to amuse friends and make them ‘laugh’.

The human does NOT have a fat human inside of them. They are okay according to my human friend except for having a ‘bad taste’ in jokes.

That means the human tells bad untrue stories.

Your mate is safe but the human may make further bad untrue stories.

My human friend has said that the human has a problem with their metabolism which is why they are thin and this also makes them eat a lot of food. It is not contagious so you are all safe.

He recommends that you give your human little gifts of food and tell him that they are to ‘feed the inner man’.

This is a joke and he should enjoy it.

Best of luck.

Dkhotrica, Ahloph-III.

Dear Dkhotroca,

I hope this is allowed, but I’m actually a human writing in for advice on aliens! I’m looking to snag a Larph’sh boyfriend. (Not as a fetish thing, I want to find a guy I like as a whole person, who happens to also be a Larph’sh, not ‘any Larph’sh will do for a notch on my bedpost’.) But I’m having trouble making friends, let alone finding one interested in dating. I’ve been told I’m “loud, overbearing, and overly familiar”, but by human standards I’m none of those things. Obviously if I want to snag a Larph’sh boyfriend I’ll have to adjust to Larph’sh standards, but I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. Please help.

Rodent Lover

Dear Rodent Lover,

I am always happen to get letters asking for advice from any of my readers. That humans have staretd asking me for help is amazing.

Now I have done some reading about humans and Larph’sh and I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news. Larph’sh are a very wary species and evolved on a planet where just about every other species was their predator so they had to develop very keen hearing and eyesight and until they invent ways to defend themselves, they were in constant flight responses as you humans call it.

Now to the good news. This can be overcome with a lot of patience and hard work on your part.

You will have noticed that Larph’sh travel in packs of at least 4 individuals as a holdover from their days as prey for any creature that wanted one for a snack. So what you will have to do is quietly introduce yourself and work your way to being part of the pack for protection.

As with so many other species, food is usually a good introduction and way to gain trust with a species. Looking at your species foods I have been told that Larph’sh can and love to eat peanut butter, so gifting this to a Larph’sh who interests you may help you out.

You must remember that they are a very different species to humans and even some innocent reactions or behaviors you may not even notice can be intimidating to them. So that is the hard work you will have to gain friendship of the group and then a relationship with anyone who is interested in you.

Good luck,

Dkhotroca, Alhoph-III

Dear Dkhotroca,

Recently the trade guilds here on Oritia IX had started offering work to humans. Information about them is still being reviewed by the guild higher-ups, so the work has mainly just been entry level manual labor. Unfortunately a human coworker here in Hive Tertius was involved in a serious accident on the warehouse floor, and I’m confused at the severity of his injuries.

One of our grav lifts carrying a pallet of plasteel struck him as it rounded a corner, and he was briefly crushed up against the crates behind him. Pulling the lift back, imagine our dismay when we found one of the arms holding the pallet had also pierced his midsection. The ensuing hours were a blur of first aid and emergency care by the Hive’s xenobiologist.

Such accidents are unfortunately common here and are often fatal for Oritians. Our safety inspector reviewed the scene and assured us this case would likely be more of the same. Converting his report to the human “metric” system:

the grav lift and pallet together weighed roughly 90 “kilograms”

it struck the worker at 20 “kilometers” per “hour”

almost 1 “liter” of circulatory fluid was bled into his clothing and onto the warehouse floor from a wound to a vital organ called a “kidney” in the left side of his “abdomen” before bleeding could be stopped!

The human’s are larger and more heavily muscled, but without an exoskeleton their rumored hardiness had always sounded exaggerated to me. So I write this confused that only days later I was able to pick up my human coworker from the xenobiologist alive! Not just alive, but seemingly joking that he had been hit much harder while apparently serving in some sort of conflict on Earth called “Rugby”. Baffled and not wanting to pry, I have also yet to ask him about his prognosis after this vital “kidney” of his was damaged.

Can you shed any light on his survival through such severe injuries? Are humans open to talking about their injuries or their records of service in conflict?

Concerned and Baffled, Oritia IX

P.S. My human coworker and I have become more friendly since his recovery. He has returned to light duty work and had strong words with the safety inspector. Following his injury, he and other humans across the warehouse district have organized a meeting in town to discuss something called a “union”. But they seem to be using the word differently than was taught by the Trade Guild translators.

Dear Concerned and Baffled,

I am saddened to hear about the injury to your human coworker. I instantly consulted with my human friend to enquire about the diagnosis and outcome of this injury you described and my friend told me that the injury wasn’t much to worry about and that with a bit of rest and care, your human friend will be as good as new.

As with you, I and baffled about how anyone, let alone a human, can have an injury of such magnitude done to a vital organ and recover enough within days to be walking about and working even on light duties.

My friend directed me to human medical records and I am shocked to tell you that humans have a lot of redundancy built in to their bodies. It appears that this kidney you mention being damaged has a backup on the other side of his body that will continue working to keep him healthy if one of them is injured.

Some of their organs will actually regrow back to their full size even if parts of them are destroyed or removed.

And my friend says that these are natural redundancies, not bioengineered.

Oh, that circulatory fluid ‘blood’ will have been replaced by their body within days as well.

These humans are ridiculously overengineered without actually being engineered.

Gentle concern about his injuries and making sure he doesn’t overexert himself are good ways to enquire about his condition. As to his previous service, that may be more serious to enquire about. Again gentle requests are advised but always ensure they are okay with talking about it. Memories can be painful as my friend said, which I don’t quite understand but for humans it is probably true.

Now my friend said that a Union is a collection of workers who form a collective group to mediate with the bosses and employers to ensure workers are fairly treated in the workplace. That they can recommend improvements to safety so that accidents like what happened to your friends don’t happen again. And to ensure that workers are not treated unfairly by not being paid or being overworked.

That is a very interesting idea and I have included a copy of human Union practices including the good and bad things about them. You and your fellow workers at Hive Tertius will need to talk to the humans to discover what this Union is supposed to do and why they want it.

Take care,

Dkhotroca, Ahloph-III.

Dear Dkhotroca,

I am writing in due to a concern I have for my local human.

Ever since I was a small Krillyth, I have been fascinated by humans. I remember vividly when first contact was made, and the humans made such a show of it! The loud noises, bright colors, smells, and astonishing speed that humans have filled every one of my sensory ducts with such energy! Since then, I have tried to learn as much about these fantastic creatures so I’m fairly fluent in human behavior.

You can imagine my excitement when I discovered a human had settled in just down the ungolth from me! While it has yet to formally introduce itself to me as of yet, I have ascertained its name during my many revs of observation. I must admit I am fully enamored with this human Ford, as it’s rhythmic humming is much more soothing than I remember. It performs the standard human activities of sitting idle for hours, absorbing the sun through its photovoltaic carapace, before slowly trundling over the horizon in its daily practice. Truly break prill excitement as advertised!

However, recently I have seen something rather alarming. The front carapace of the human was open, and several small pests seemed to be buzzing around the wound. Eventually the carapace closed, but I can still see the pest creatures when I closely examine my dear human.

Should I shift my own carapace to redirect my thermal cores gamma radiation towards my human in hopes of exterminating the pest creatures? Or perhaps there is a more efficient pesticide you could suggest? I would hate to see anything happen to my new neighbor.

A concerned Ghllyth