Chapter 3: Talking About Tits

The four Phelans were at the table for dinner. Peggy had made meatloaf using her dog-eared Betty Crocker cookbook and the designated Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. All three females were nervous and quiet, as Michael seemed even more agitated and glowering than usual.

Then, he drained his glass of ice water and slammed it to the table with a bang, causing the three to visibly flinch.

“They fired me today; I’m out of work.”

In a shaky voice, Peggy asked, “But why?”

“They claimed I was proselytizing at work. I don’t get any severance because I took an advance on my salary. Peggy, you’re going to have to go back to work, I’m sorry, while I’m out picking up temp jobs. Jordan, you have to be with Molly, and Molly, take care of your sister. We will continue to have no health insurance; you have to be careful. A hospital bill will bankrupt us. Do you understand?”

“Yes, father.”

Internally, Molly was torn. She had seen the “past due” bills in the mail, and this was more evidence that her family was in rough shape. On the other hand, she (and her sister) would be out from under her mother’s oppression. And that meant every afternoon, Jordan and Molly could go to Bailey’s and relax.

In the following week, they were hanging out at the O’Connor house on a lazy Tuesday afternoon, Molly and her sister Jordan were just hanging out with Bailey. Leila and Abbie had just left. Jordan, now 14, promised “not to be irritating” and had been welcomed by Bailey to join them for the afternoon and stay for dinner.

They were lounging on her backyard patio. An awning shielded the three from the sun. Like most redheads, their pale (almost translucent) skin was capable of nearly instant sunburns.

“Bailey, we need to talk. I know you hate this, Jordan, but I need to speak with my friend privately. I’ll do your chores for the next two days to make it up to you.”

“I do hate being excluded, you’re right. But I also hate doing chores too. So, I’ll go inside and watch TV or something.”

“All right, she’s gone. What is it?”

“Bailey, I’d like to talk with you about sex.”

“Oka-ay,” she answered, with the word extended out, showing her uncertainty.

Molly wasn’t sure how to start.

“I’ve been thinking about sex, a lot, lately.”

Nervously, Bailey tried a joke.

“Who doesn’t?”

“Ha, ha. Actually, not me, not until recently. Oh, Bailey, you’re looking nervous. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t quite know how to say this, Molly. You’re my deepest, most incredible friend. I get a happy feeling just being around you. But...”

“Oh, I’m sorry, wait. Bailey, I feel the same about you, but I wasn’t proposing, uh, suggesting, oh hell, you know what I mean. You’re my sister, in every way that matters.”

“So, my virtue is safe?”

“From me, yes. But I know you better than anyone. You’re feeling ready to do the deed. But that’s not what I want to talk about. I was talking to Leila about her tits.”

“OK, this is going to be interesting. You realize Leila is just as penisless as I am, right?”

“Bailey, please! Just shut up and listen. I asked her; she says they’re double D’s now.”

“I thought mine were huge when they got up to C.”

“Yeah, same for me. But that’s why I’m bringing this up. I asked her where she goes for bras because I figured she could be uncomfortable with those heavy hooters. Leila gave me the location of a store that actually does fittings.”

“You want to go there? So why are we talking about this?”

“I’m sorry to say this to you, but sometimes having a mother is worse than NOT having a mother. My mom is bat-shit crazy.”

“Molly, my mother died when I was a toddler. I don’t re

member her. It’s just me and Dad, as you know, and we get along great.”

“Oh, I know, I adore your dad. If he were ten years younger, rowwr.”

While making cat-claws with her hands, Molly smiled at her friend.

“OK, we’ve gone from Leila’s tits to seducing my father. Do you have a point, or are you just inflamed by lust somehow?”

“Sure, I’m inflamed. I’m sixteen. But my point is, my mother only allows me to wear these uncomfortable, plain white things that are too small and leave marks on me. I could show you. Anyway, I want to go to this place and buy new bras, but there are two problems.”

“Which are?”

“1, I’m penniless, and 2, If she discovers non-approved bras in my laundry or closet, she will lock me in the dungeon.”

“I see, well, these problem. I know what my dad would say. ‘Tits should never be unhappy. Tits are gorgeous and precious orbs of loveliness.’ He can go on and on.”

“You’re kidding!”

“My dad is like that, that’s what he said when I said I needed a sports bra, because they hurt when I run.”

“Oh, my God. I love that man! He made you laugh, didn’t he?”

“Oh, of course. I was on the floor. Before that, I was all upset and embarrassed. I have an idea—a plan. Dad will be home in forty minutes. I can’t have my sisters going around with sore tits.

“Jordan, stop hiding back there and come out. You shouldn’t eavesdrop ... Why are you crying?”

“Bailey! (Sniffle.) You said, ‘my sister.’”

“Yeah, so?”

“I’m your sister?”

“Well, duh. I went to my dad, and I asked him, ‘Daddy, can I have a little sister?’ He got all red and started doing that awkward ‘talk’ about girlfriends and sex. I had to stop him and say, ‘I meant Jordan.’ He said, ‘OK, sure.’ You know he loves you both. Now stop blubbering and give me a hug.”

Molly shook her head.

“Why would any girl WANT to have an annoying little sister?”

She didn’t really mean it.