Chapter 75: An Interesting Insight

February 4, 1990, Loveland, Ohio

On Sunday morning, we left my mom's house just after 7:00am so we could drive to Saint George in Loveland. We'd had a nice evening with my mom's side of the family the night before, and we'd stop in to see my dad and his family on our way home from church. The major announcement had been that Liz was pregnant and was due in July.

The church services were nearly identical to those at the Cathedral, minus the slight variations between Slavic and Greek traditions. At the Eucharist, I took my godson Mikey with me, as was the tradition, and we received together. I didn't see him nearly often enough, but there wasn't much I could do to rectify that at the moment.

When the service ended, my family joined the rest of the congregation in the parish hall, and we took seats by Angie and her mom. Angie, as she usually did, wanted to interact with Rachel, and Rachel sat in Angie's lap while they talked. Angie's speech was still off by a beat, as I'd observed, but the doses of her medication were low enough that her eyes were clear and her hair shiny. Sadly, that was the best that could be hoped for at this point. Perhaps someday, a cure or a treatment that did not produce the negative side effects might be found, but I knew that was a long shot.

"Hi, Mike!" Sheila Nixon exclaimed, sitting down at the same table.

"Hi, Sheila! Where's Mikey?"

"He's decided Mom is useless and is hanging out with the other little boys in the playroom!"

"Terrible twos in full force?"

"And then some! I had a call from Jessica Melbourne! Talk about a surprise coïncidence!"

"How are things going?"

"Great!" Sheila declared. "Jeremy and I are still together, though he's on a business trip this weekend."

"That's good to hear! I mean, being together."

"I got that meaning," she said with a smile. "How are things with you?"

"The usual life of a PGY1 Resident," I replied. "Very little time for anything other than the hospital. Things will calm down a bit in June when I start PGY2. And in something you'll appreciate, I delivered a baby!"

"In the ER?! Really?"

"OB blew us off, so I had no choice. Fortunately, it was a routine delivery, except for having a trauma surgeon do it! Baby and teenage mom were healthy."

"You seem to have an affinity for pregnant teenagers!" Sheila teased.

"Including me, technically!" Kris declared. "I'm due in June, so I'll still be nineteen when our baby is born!"

"And we'll have an OB in attendance for that one!" I declared.

We finished our light meal, and with permission from Mrs. Stephens and agreement with Kris, Angie and I took a short walk in the mild Winter weather.

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"OK," she replied, speaking slowly. "I'm working full time and practicing Aikidō."

"That's good."

"Would you and your family come to dinner?"

"Yes. I'll work out the timing with your mom. You know I'm very, very busy at the hospital."

"Yes."

"Are you able to see your friend Anna?"

"Yes, she comes to visit about once a month. Some girls from the church take me to dinner after Vespers most Wednesdays. I wish I could see you more often."

"I will try my best, but most likely, it won't be until Summer because I work six days a week. I'm glad you're doing things with the girls from church."

"When you come to dinner, will you bring Rachel?"

"Yes, of course."

"Thank you."

We walked in silence for about five minutes, during which I contemplated what might have been had it not been for the heinous malpractice by a doctor who should have lost his license permanently. I pushed that last thought out of my mind, as all it would do was frustrate me and make me angry. I loved Angie dearly, and while I didn't believe in unforgivable sin, Doctor Greenberg had certainly committed a grievous one.

As we walked back to the church, Angie took my hand, squeezed it, then let it go. I wondered if Angie's situation was part of my current mental and emotional state and decided it most certainly was, though there wasn't much I could do except, as the saying went, suck it up and deal with it.

February 5, 1990, McKinley, Ohio

"How is Angie?" Clarissa asked at lunch on Monday.

"The same, which, at this point, is the best we can hope for. I realized that Angie's situation is absolutely feeding into my emotional and mental fugue. I don't get to see her often enough, and I absolutely don't see my godson often enough, either."

"It all comes down to your personal relationships. I think only Kris, Rachel, and I have anything even remotely resembling how you dealt with relationships before we graduated. Even at your lowest point after your Kitten reposed, you didn't cut people out of your life. In fact, you clung to them," she said, then smirked and added, "especially nubile young women!"

"They were an effective balm," I replied.

"Yes, but it wasn't the sex; it was the closeness. I know that for a fact because we spent so many nights cuddling. Not that I'm saying you didn't enjoy the sex, too, just that it wasn't your primary need."

"I'm fairly sure that's always been the case," I replied.

"Which fits with your rejection of some of the more hedonistic ideas that were proposed by some of the girls, going back to Taft. Not to mention the 'feminine' qualities which so many of us noticed, even though they really aren't 'feminine', per se, just that men tend to hide them. You never did.

"Working in the ED requires you, at least on the outside, to be emotionless. I know you've tried to compensate with your relationships with Kellie, Shelly, and a few others, but there's a limit. Heck, even our relationship is limited. Minus the period during which you were a deacon, I don't think we spent more than five minutes together that didn't result in hugs and often cuddles. Me being lesbian was actually to your advantage."

"I will reject THAT idea to my dying day!" I declared. "I very much enjoyed having sex with you, Lissa!"

"But it was for the same reason I enjoyed those encounters — the closeness. But we achieved that with just cuddles on many, many occasions. Roll all of that together, and I think you're on target with your feeling that it's your personal relationships that have you feeling morose and unfulfilled. You achieved your primary goal in life, and that meets one of your needs but leaves the others destitute, so to speak."

"The very thing I warned every young woman about along the way, sometimes to their frustration. Kris eventually told me to shut up about it because she understood and didn't need it repeated."

"Which proves she was the correct choice for you. She can handle it. I do think Doctor Mercer went a bit overboard in saying that you're actively punishing yourself. I equate it to fasting — you deny yourselves something to enhance your spirituality, just as you deny yourself things to enhance your medical career. The difference being there are no feasting periods, and you don't have anyone assigning a rule the way you do with prayer and fasting."

"An interesting insight, Lissa."

"I know you better than anyone on the planet, including your wife and your «старец» (staretz). And it makes sense if you think about it. Over the past nine years, who have you spent more time with?" ("Elder")

I smiled, "Only Anicka comes close."

Clarissa laughed, "And it only took her six years to get what she wanted from day one!"

"And you know that was about her, not about me."

"Of course, but it could only happen for you if you were very close to her. Otherwise, you would have declined. She could never have been a ... dalliance is a good word, the way the girls auditioning for the role of Rachel's mom were!"

"I don't think it was quite that casual," I replied.

Clarissa laughed, "Seriously? How many of those girls felt they had a real chance, and how many just wanted a surreptitious fuck, knowing full well they'd never marry you? Susana Razumovsky, for sure, and probably Irina Gromova. And in some ways, Oksana Korolyov, because I think she knew there was no chance when you went to bed together. In fact, that was her version of a Hail Mary."

"I suppose," I replied.

"Add in the girls who just wanted to screw like Annette Turner-Cooper, Lexie Grey, Michelle Latham, and the four High School friends attending college together, plus your fuck buddy Kylie, and, well, you get the picture."

"OK, OK. You've made your point! I was a male slut! However, I do need to remind you that Annette would have been a candidate had she not had a scholarship to Vanderbilt."

Clarissa laughed, "You being a slut wasn't my point, and you know it! Yes, you had a lot of sex, but what you really wanted was closeness. The girls wanted to fuck! But my point remains, casual or not, that's what it was really about. And that's what you're missing. I don't mean the sex; I mean the close relationships.

"Go back to pre-doctor days — Sophia, Sandy, Jason, Pete, Clark, Peter, Robby, Elias, Milena, Anicka, and on and on. And then there were Tasha and Lara, who were in a completely different class — girls who, under different circumstances, you would have married. And, of course, your one true love."

"Angie."

"Obviously. But you don't have those close relationships, and that is the problem, as you and Kris identified. And, to be blunt, it's of your own making because of your single-minded focus."

"And yet..."

"Yes, it's the program, but it's also you. Your needs are VERY different from mine, Shelly Lindsay's, Leila Javadi's, or any of the male doctors. Or if not different, more intense. You and I both know how many doctors self-medicate in one way or another. You need the closeness, and if you don't get it, something bad is going to happen."

"Which is my gravest fear."

"And a self-fulfilling prophecy if you don't find a way to reconcile it."

"I know. And I hate to cut this short, but I have interviews."

"Me, too."

We hugged, returned our trays, and I headed for the conference room to interview medical students for surgical Residencies.

February 7, 1990, McKinley, Ohio

On Wednesday, I decided to take my lunch hour outside the hospital and visit the record store. Clarissa chose to accompany me, and after changing into street clothes, we drove through Wendy's to get our lunch, which we ate along the way.

"Mike?!" Johnny exclaimed. "Long time, no see!"

"Hi, Johnny," I said. "I've been busy."

"So, how are you, Doctor Loucks?" he asked with a grin.

"I'm good. I go by 'Doctor Mike' at the hospital," I replied. "But just call me Mike, please. I'm going to browse, but I'd like recommendations, please."

"It's been some time," he said. "I think right off the top of my head I'd suggest Freedom by Neil Young, which is far better than anything he's released in the 80s. I'd also suggest Let Love Rule, by Lenny Kravitz, a new fusion artist, and finally, Pretty Hate Machine by a new industrial rock band from Cleveland, Nine Inch Nails."

"I'll take all three of those and browse for one more."

"You used to buy one a month," he said with a smile. "Perhaps you should catch up!"

I chuckled, "I did, but my time is severely limited, even to listen to music. I promise I won't stay away as I have for the past year."

"Vinyl or plastic for those albums?"

"Plastic," I replied. "I'm only going to buy vinyl for things that aren't on CD."

"OK."

I browsed for about fifteen minutes, selected Storm Front by Billy Joel as my fourth album, and took it to the counter where Johnny rang up all four CDs for me.

"Could I interest Code Blue in playing at a music festival I'm organizing at the lake in August?"

"You could. Talk to Kim Liang. I'll give you her number."

I pulled out my pocket address book and wrote down Kim's name and phone number, then paid for my purchases.

"Thanks, Johnny," I said.

"See you soon, Mike!"

"I promise."

We shook hands, I accepted the plastic bag with the CDs, and Clarissa and I left the record store.

"Feel better?" she asked.

"It's not magic, Lissa!" I chuckled. "But it is a start."

"You without your music is almost unfathomable."

"Rachel agrees with you. She insists I play my guitar and sing to her."

"Just wait until she has a dozen fifteen- and sixteen-year-olds at the house to hear you play!"

"I get the joke, Lissa, but you know my take on that topic. Kris is at the extreme range of what I think is reasonable at our ages."

"Obviously, but who would I be if I wasn't teasing you, especially about nubile girls? It's how I show I love you!"

"You, Liz, my sister-in-law, Anicka, and a host of others!"

We got into the car, and I headed back towards the hospital.

"What's next?" Clarissa asked. "Band practice?"

"Not until after Pascha. I spoke to Kim, and we'll practice on Sundays, which gives us four practice sessions before the two Proms, and then we'll have Saturday practice sessions before the concert on the Fourth. Fortunately, the trauma conference in Indy doesn't conflict, though it does take away one practice session."

When we arrived at the hospital, I went up to the surgical locker room, changed into scrubs, stashed my CDs in the locker, then headed to the conference room.

"Mike, Nate was looking for you," Shelly said when she came in.

I nodded, went to the phone, and dialed the number for the ED Clerk's desk.

"Mike here," I said when Nate answered. "Shelly Lindsay said you were looking for me."

"I have a message from a Mary Kopech at Harding County High. She'd like you to call her."

That was the guidance counselor, and I was sure I knew what she wanted.

"OK. I'll call on our next break."

We conducted an interview with a student who was not at all impressive, and he scored a 26 on my tally sheet. If it had been appropriate, I'd have suggested he arrange for interviews outside surgery, as I doubted he was going to Match.

"How did that one slip through?" Doctor Burke asked.

"His grades are impressive," Shelly observed. "But he's far too tentative and unsure of himself. He fumbled Mike's usual surgical question that any Fourth Year should be able to answer off the top of their heads."

"If you'll excuse me, I need to make a phone call, please."

I went over to the phone and dialed the number for Harding County High. When a secretary answered, I asked for Mrs. Kopech and was put right through to the guidance office.

"Hi, Mrs. Kopech, it's Mike Loucks."

"Hi, Mike, or should I refer to you as Doctor Loucks?"

"Just Mike is fine; I use 'Doctor Mike' professionally. I'm going to wager you're calling about 'Career Days'."

"You'd win that bet! Would you be available on either May 11th or May 18th to speak to Juniors?"

"Let me speak to my Chief," I said. "I can probably get the day off, but if not, I'll trade shifts. OK to call you back in a day or so?"

"Yes, of course. Thank you."

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up.

"Owen will give you a day off for Career Days," Shelly observed. "Just let him know."

"Actually, now that I think about it, if I do it on May 18th, I already have the day off to travel to Indianapolis for a conference. The first event is dinner at 7:00pm, so if I finish at the High School by 2:30pm, I can easily make the dinner. I'd miss cocktail hour, but I don't drink, and there is a social event on Saturday evening."

We couldn't continue the conversation because a medical student arrived with a candidate, and we had to begin the next interview.

February 9, 1990, McKinley, Ohio

"I am SO glad the interviews end today," I said to Clarissa when we met for lunch on Friday. "I've barely been able to practice medicine for a month! A few hours in the mornings, a few in the evenings, and Saturdays."

"They rotate who does the interviews, right?"

"That's the theory, but I could be asked by either Chief and then I'd have to choose."

"Just decline next year, Petrovich. They'll abuse you if you allow it. Remember, nobody can take advantage of you without your permission."

"Hah! Tell that joke to medical students and Interns!"

"We signed up for it, Petrovich! We gave consent! But now we can start saying 'pick on somebody else' because we're only a few months from the end of PGY1, and they'll have a whole new crop of Interns and medical students to abuse! Did you make arrangements for the Career Day?"

"Yes. I'll do it on the 18th because I was given the time off, so I could get to Indianapolis by noon when registration starts, but I'll just take late registration after 5:00pm and spend the day at the school."

"What are you going to wear?"

"That's an interesting question. If it were me, I'd go with scrubs, but the standard attire for surgeons is dress slacks, a dress shirt with a tie, and a medical coat. As much as I like to rock the boat, I think I'll follow protocol."

"Either way, you'll have a gaggle of teenage girls drooling over the 'hot' doctor!"

"Do you ever stop, Lissa?" I asked with feigned exasperation.

"No! It's true; you just won't do anything about it! It happens when you play at the High Schools, and you know it!"

"And that's exactly why they limit student access to the band!" I chuckled. "José was in his element before he married!"

"I'm surprised he and Sierra aren't pregnant yet, as good Catholics!"

I chuckled, "About the last thing I'd call José would be a 'good Catholic'! And you know, conception can be problematic for something like a quarter of married couples. Not that they can't get pregnant, just that it takes a long time, and there are a large number of miscarriages before the end of the first month."

"That is the one thing that worries me about getting pregnant — what if it doesn't 'take'?"

"All we can do is trust the medical procedures and the fertility specialist you'll see in a couple of years. Evidence suggests I have VERY motile sperm!"

Clarissa laughed, "Within a month of your first attempt, both times! Though your Kitten was beside herself when she didn't get pregnant the first time."

"I partially blame what passes for sex ed. While it's absolutely true you can get pregnant your first time, and from just doing it once, that is actually very rare. But it impresses young women with the idea that they ought to get pregnant the first time, and when they don't, it causes anxiety, which..."

"Makes it less likely they'll get pregnant. What would you do?"

"Besides dumping the stupid 'abstinence only' sex ed, which is about as effective as Nancy Reagan's 'Just say no to drugs' campaign..."