Chapter 17

Toby drove to Northolt and poured out his troubles to Andrew and Emma.

‘Damn!’ exclaimed Emma with uncustomary force, ‘I knew that there was going to be trouble.’

‘You did?’ Toby was surprised.

‘I saw it in her eyes the first night we met her. I told Andrew afterwards, didn’t I honey?’

Andrew nodded, ‘You said she had haunted eyes.’

‘Yes, you know I’ve noticed that,’ said Toby, ‘It’s new though. I first noticed yesterday evening when we were at the “Pussycat”.’

‘I don’t know what to suggest.’ grimaced Andrew. ‘Are you sure she won’t see you?’

Toby shrugged helplessly.

‘Alan says not.’

‘I wonder if I could talk to her,’ mused Emma.

‘I don’t know,’ said Toby dubiously, ‘I’m pretty sure that anything to do with me is off limits as far as she’s concerned.’

‘What we need to do is to arrange it so that she has no alternative,’ said Emma decisively, ‘You’ve got a friend in the enemy camp, Toby. Here’s what we’re going to do... ‘

It took several days until the right moment finally presented itself. Amber’s mother had gone into the city to do some shopping, leaving her daughter in the house and her son working on his project. Alan made a quiet phone call from the study and then simply disappeared.

Amber was surprised when she heard a car in the driveway. She knew that her mother could not be back already as she had only been gone for about half an hour. She did not recognise the car when she looked out of the window and there was no sign of the driver. The doorbell rang and she went to answer it. When she saw Emma standing on the mat she simply did not know what to do.

‘Can I come in?’

‘Yes, of course.’

Emma walked through into the hall and looked round admiringly. ‘What a lovely house,’ she observed, smiling warmly.

‘Yes ... we’re very lucky,’ stuttered Amber.

‘I’ve come to talk to you,’ said Emma simply.

‘What about?’ asked Amber blankly.

‘I don’t know,’ replied Emma, looking at her through narrowed eyes,’ I was hoping that perhaps you did though.’

Without saying a word Amber began to cry. The tears streamed down her pretty oval face and she sobbed uncontrollably. Emma took her into her arms and they stood motionless in the middle of the hall for a long time until finally Amber’s tears subsided.

‘Let’s go and have a cup of tea,’ suggested Emma, ‘In times of crisis we British always have a cup of tea.’

Amber smiled wanly and led her through to the kitchen. Emma packed her off to the bathroom to repair her make-up and rustled round looking through unfamiliar cupboards until she found what she needed to make the promised brew. She had just poured the boiling water into the teapot when Amber returned to the room.

‘Feeling better now?’ she asked.

The girl nodded. Emma gestured to the table and the two of them sat down.

‘I think Toby loves you, you know,’ she said gently, ‘You’re lucky because he’s a very nice boy. I know that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.’

Amber snivelled and Emma, who had come prepared, passed her a tissue.

‘I think you’d better tell me all about it,’ she said matter-of-factly.

‘You know?’ exclaimed Amber, looking shocked.

‘Not exactly, but I’ve got a feeling.’

‘I’m a lesbian,’ said Amber flatly.

‘Are you?’ asked Emma, ‘How do you know?’

Amber twisted the tissue in her fingers.

‘I want to go to bed with you,’ she whispered.

‘All right.’ agreed Emma evenly, ‘Do you want to go now or shall we talk some more first?’

‘Emma,’ Amber’s mouth fell open, ‘You mean it, don’t you?’

‘Yes, of course I do,’ replied Emma calmly, ‘I wouldn’t have said so if I didn’t.’

Amber was thrown into confusion.

‘But Toby told me that you’ve been going out with Andrew since you were sixteen. He said that he’s never known a couple so much in love and that you’re going to get married as soon as you both have your degrees.’

‘All true. So?’

‘You just said that you’d go to bed with me.’

‘Listen, Amber,’ said Emma patiently, ‘None of that has got anything to do with it. It’s not often that a beautiful girl tells me that she wants to make love with me. Why on earth would I turn down such a wonderful invitation?’

‘I simply don’t understand you,’ said Amber, laughing despite herself.

‘Oh I’m not complicated at all,’ smiled Emma, ‘So tell me, how long have you been a lesbian? Have you made love to many girls?’

Amber looked at her from beneath her eyelashes.

‘You’re making fun of me,’ she said in a small voice.

‘I most certainly am not,’ denied Emma hotly, ‘It’s just that I’ve never met a girl who actually knows she’s a lesbian before. No, wait a minute, let me re-phrase that. I’ve never met anyone who has admitted to me that she’s a lesbian.’

‘I’ve never made love to a girl,’ confessed Amber, ‘It’s more that I know that I want to.’

‘So you’ve never actually had sex with a female,’ said Emma.

‘No ... yes ... no,’ replied Amber wretchedly.

‘You have got a dark secret,’ murmured Emma, ‘I thought so.’

‘Oh Emma, I’ve got the most terrible secret in the whole world,’ cried Amber.

‘I think the time has come to get it off your chest,’ said Emma firmly.

Between gulps, swallows and sniffles, Amber told Emma her story. She had been thirteen years of age when she went to stay overnight with her school-friend Mary Hignett. Mary lived with her widowed mother in a rambling old house on the outskirts of town, not far from school. Amber remembered walking home arm in arm after classes ended that night. Everything had been perfectly normal. They had had tea when they got in and supper a few hours later. At bed-time, Amber had said goodnight to her friend and had gone to the guest room to get into her pyjamas. She had just finished undressing when Mary’s mother came into the room. After that, Amber’s memories were a mixed up kaleidoscope of smells, sights, sounds and sensations. All that she knew for sure was from that moment on her life had changed.

‘Oh dear,’ sighed Emma, shaking her head sadly, ‘That was not a very good introduction to sex, I must say. The woman should be shot.’

‘Emma, don’t you think I’m awful?’ cried Amber.

‘Of course not. What did you do that was awful? There you were minding your own business when this dreadful old woman came barging into your room and pretty much raped you, I don’t see how you’re to blame.’

‘But I enjoyed the way it felt.’

‘So? You’re obviously a naturally sexy girl,’ said Emma, ‘Good for you. As far as I can see, the most tragic aspect of the whole thing is that you couldn’t understand why you felt the way you did and why you responded the way you did. It was a natural reaction Amber. If I’d been in the same situation I’d probably have reacted in the same way. She knew how to touch you and it felt good. You enjoyed it and you had your first orgasm. It’s past, Amber. Not present and not future. You can’t let it ruin the rest of your life. You’ve got too much ahead of you.’

Amber laid her arms on the table and broke down and wept. Emma stroked her hair gently and made soothing noises. It was several minutes before the girl lifted her tear-stained face to look at her new-found friend and confidante.

‘You don’t understand though, Emma. Because of it I’ve ruined myself. I’m deformed.’

‘What, as a result of that experience?’ Emma was puzzled.

‘I found...,’ began Amber, ‘Oh Emma, I’m so embarrassed. I don’t think I’m going to be able to tell you this.’

‘Go on,’ said Emma encouragingly.

‘I found that I could give myself the same feelings if I touched myself,’ blurted Amber and blushed furiously.

‘Oh I see,’ said Emma, the light dawning, ‘Doing that’s called masturbating. Surely you know that by now? Lots of girls do it.’

Amber nodded. ‘Yes, but you see I did it so much ... I still do it so much, that I’ve stretched myself. I’m deformed.’

Her face was an absolute picture of woe. Emma’s heart went out to her.

‘Oh my goodness me, you poor darling,’ she said sympathetically.

‘So you see I’ll never be able to lead a normal life. I’ll never be able to get married. I can’t really even be a lesbian because I couldn’t bear to let anyone see what I’ve done to myself.’

Amber’s voice cracked and she began to cry again. Emma reached across the table and took hold of both of her hands. She squeezed them hard.

‘Now pull yourself together and listen to me,’ she said firmly, ‘It isn’t possible to damage yourself by masturbating. Do you understand what I’m saying? Nothing that you have done to yourself can have had any effect on your anatomy. I promise.’