Chapter 6: Off-Limits

Sunday, August 20, 6:55 AM, Belews Lake Cabin

“Shut the door!”

Cleo snickered at the look of bewilderment on Zoe’s face as she entered the cabin. Most of the girls were out of bed and in various states of undress. The poor girls hadn’t anticipated their new classmate to swing the door wide open, exposing them to the world.

“Sorry,” Zoe blushed. “Usually everyone is still asleep by the time I get back.”

She looked over at Cleo, who had attempted to sleep through the commotion.

“I’d say you look beautiful,” Cleo acknowledged, “But as far as I can tell, this might be your version of slumming it.”

She intended it as a compliment, and hoped Zoe interpreted it as such.

“Thank you?”

Cleo smiled and took another look at her tall friend.

“Heels? You sure you wanna risk that with your ankle?”

“Hah, I appreciate the concern. They’re under three-inches, I’m not even sure they qualify as heels,” Zoe winked. “Besides, it’s a church service, I thought it’d be appropriate.”

“Yeah, so long as you don’t wind up on Kristina’s bad side again,” Cleo laughed. Even without knowing she’d be going to church, this girl packed heels to go camping?

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I’d break my neck if I tried running in these. Especially across that wetland, we’re calling a field.”

Cleo had to suppress a chuckle, “So, you’re heading off to church with Chris?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Cool,” Cleo pandiculated, “I think I’m gonna get some rest while you guys are all out.”

“Want me to come get you before heading off to breakfast?” She grabbed a shawl from her bag and draped it over her shoulders.

“Wonderful!” Cleo’s statement worked as approval for both Zoe’s completed look as well as her suggestion. She felt clever and smiled as her head touched down on her pillow again.

“You look fine, dude,” Chris said for the fourth time, nearly everyone else had already left the cabin.

Miles forced himself to not roll his eyes. I would have packed something more conservative if I’d known I was gonna be dragged to church. They’re not my beliefs, but I have no intention of being disrespectful of someone else’s.

“I just feel like I’m underdressed,” he explained.

Jeans and t-shirt worked fine on a casual day, but I’m sure people will be more upset about me showing up in that than they would if I didn’t go at all. He looked at his remaining option. Not sure if anything would feel more out of place than the leather jacket.

“You washed your button-up. Just go with that.”

It’s like arguing with a child.

“But it’s wrinkly,” Miles groaned.

Topher would have been annoyed by this if he didn’t find it so amusing.

“Do you think the laundry has an iron?” Miles looked at the shirt he’d laid out on his bed.

“Possibly,” Topher contributed.

“Absolutely not!” Chris stated definitively.

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want to be late.”

“No, I do not want to be late. And I don’t want everyone to stare at us when we show up late.”

“You can’t wear that,” a familiar voice called from the doorway.

He turned and smiled at his sister.

“Miles, you should wear your button-up from Monday.”

“Thank you. Can we go now?” Chris whined.

Miles lifted the shirt up and undid a couple of its buttons.

“Well, that’s just as bad,” Zoe observed from the door. “Miles, it’s all wrinkled. C’mon, let’s go see if there’s an iron at the laundry.”

Miles’s satisfied smirk turned Chris’s face red with anger. Topher’s face also turned red, but from laughing too hard.

“We’ll see you in a few hours,” Miles called to his bunkmate as he made toward the door.

“Fine,” Chris acquiesced, “If we’re going to iron that, we should run.”

Zoe gestured toward her feet, “I’m not running.”

“Ugh, do you just wanna go to the auditorium and save us seats, then? We can run and not be the last ones in.”

“Oh no, I’m not going there alone.”

“You won’t be alone,” he pointed. “See there’s Pixie and Mel. What about your drummer friends, aren’t any of them going?”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll go save you guys a couple of seats,” she strolled away.

Miles had outpaced Chris on every running activity they had done together for the week, yet Chris shifted into a whole new gear now that he ran the risk of being late for church.

They barreled into the mostly empty laundry room and towards the half-wall separating the main room from the smaller units.

“Ah-hah,” Miles cried as his eyes fell upon the ironing board. “See, there’s an iron here somewhere.”

“There!” Chris pointed.

“Isn’t that a vacuum?” Miles frowned and looked closer. “Yeah, see? Dust buster.”

“Fascinating,” Chris said flippantly as he opened a cabinet.

“I think so,” Miles reached for the vacuum. “Quaint little thing from the 1980s-”

“Less talking, more finding,” Chris huffed.

Successfully discovering the tool in the third cabinet he checked did little to quell Chris’s sullen mood. He shoved the prongs into an available outlet and breathed a sigh of frustration as the amber nub on the side of the device illuminated.

“Guess it works,” he said, dissapointedly.

“I’ll be quick,” Miles assured as he pressed the heating element to the fabric.

“Y’know,” Chris’s demeanor softened as he watched the creases of the shirt do the same. “Had you told me a week ago that there was a working iron here, I would have accused you of playing a joke on me.”

“Shame,” Miles laughed to himself. “Would have tried to get you to put some money on it if I’d known.”

“Heaven forbid you joke about such a thing before we head off to church.”

What’s he on about now? Gambling isn’t a sin, is it?

Miles let his eyes stray from his garment long enough to shoot Chris a confused look.

“Matthew 6:24,” Chris ascerted.

“Of course...” Miles switched off the iron and held up his shirt for them to inspect. “Think this is good enough?”

“Yes. Good. Everyone will applaud when they see how crisp your shirt is. Now, can we go?”

“Not yet, first we have to figure out why the Dust Buster is here. Who is vacuuming their cabins with that-”

“Dude, we’re late. We gotta go. Now!”

“Y’know, Chris. Your shirt is looking a bit frumpy.”

“Well, it’s not coming off. So, unless you’re intending on pressing it while I’m still in it-”

“That can be arranged,” Miles chuckled.

Chris rolled his eyes and made for the door, “C’mon!”

Miles struggled to fit his arms through the proper holes as he chased Chris back across the field.

Despite Chris’s best effort to enter unnoticed, the large oak door shrieked as he pulled it from from it’s mirrored twin. An assortment of unpleasant looks landed on the boys interrupting the sermon. Miles unabashedly waved and sauntered over to his sister, who was in the last pew.

“Decided to be by yourself after all?” he whispered as the minister gave his speech.

“Not exactly,” she subtly gestured to a couple of giggly boys sharing the pew, their dank pachouli fragrance assaulting Miles’s olfactory sense.

“Ugh,” his eyes teared slightly. “Why not with some of our friends?”

“Everyone else was sitting up front,” Zoe pointed to the front row pews where Amber and Lindsay sat, then towards the opposite end of the room where they spotted Pixie and Melissa.

Miles had never seen so many sundresses in his life. Maybe there’s more to church than I gave it credit for.

“You didn’t want to sit up front with them?” Chris inquired.

Zoe looked mortified.

“No way. What if he called on me?”

“The priest?” Chris questioned, “Why would he call on you?”

They were shushed before she could reply. Zoe shook her head and provided her answer as a shrug.

After a few minutes of just listening to the man at the pulpit speak, Miles whispered to Chris.

“Hey, who is that over by Pixie and Melissa?” Had she not been standing with his friends, he still would have noticed her among all the other girls in the room.

Chris leaned over to look, “You mean Joe?”

“No, I don’t think I can see Joe from my angle. I mean the girl next to Pixie,” Miles tried to get a different view.

“I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Chris craned his neck to see. “I just see Mel, then Pixie, then Josephine.”

“Shhh!” The girl sitting in front of them cast them another dirty look.

Miles turned to his sister and found her wide-eyed expression properly conveyed the confused thoughts careening through his own head.

Joe’s a girl?

If not for the new information regarding their friend, Miles wasn’t sure he’d have managed to stay awake through the sermon. Half paying attention, he became alarmed when the pastor requested assistance from some of the parishoners.

“Wanna come?” Chris asked as he took to his feet.

With eyes wide with terror, Miles and Zoe shook their heads and watched as he proceeded to the front of the room and joined with three other students.

“Are those chafing dishes?” Zoe asked upon seeing metal dishes being brought before the pastor.

“No,” Miles whispered back. “They look like cloches though.”

“Nerd,” she snorted slightly louder than intended, which garnered another shush from the girl sitting in front of them.

Miles turned to his sister who shrugged and grimaced.

“Are they giving us food?” she asked with her hands.

“I have no idea,” he said under his breath.

The familiar tinge of pain flashed across her face at his refusal to sign back to her.

“Should we be worried?” She signed.

Miles studied the actions of the others in the room as the dishes were presented to those seated. With a flick of his head, he encouraged his sister to do the same. In silence, they watched the tradition carried out in front of them. By the time it was their turn to accept the offerings, they mimicked what they’d seen throughout the room.

Their proximity to the back of the room allowed Miles and Zoe to be the first to exit after the service was over.

“Was that what you expected?” Zoe asked, looking behind them to make sure they weren’t overheard.

“Parts of it,” he shrugged. “I may have freaked out a bit if the ‘flesh’ I was given to eat wasn’t so obviously bread.”

“Was it more or less disturbing than the blood?”

“The bread was fine. The juice was like ... Welshes. So it loses points there. If he was as magical as they said he was, why not just lean into that? Give us some...” Miles couldn’t help but note the look of concern on his sister’s face as he searched for a brand to list. “Martinelli’s.”

The concern disappeared from Zoe’s face as she let out a giggle, “Maybe not the most cost effective route for them to take.”

“Yeah, but the tastiest I can think of.”

“Okay, so other than that bit? This what you thought it’d be?”

“If that’s what church is, I don’t get the hype. I guess it’s pretty much what I expected. Except, y’know, more toned down.”

“I know what you mean, haven’t we seen movies where it’s super lively and people actually sound happy to be there?”

“What’re y’all in such a rush for?” Chris raced to catch up to the pair.

“No rush,” Zoe lied. “We figured you ditched us when you took that seat up front after finishing with your volunteer work.”

“I thought it was a bad look to distribute communion and then go sit in the back,” Chris said nonchalantly. “I wasn’t expecting you two to take off before I got the chance to catch up with you.”

“Oh, we just uh...”

“We wanted the chance to discuss the past hour without fear of offending you,” Miles said.

Chris froze and looked at the twins. “And the fact that you’re telling me that means you have nothing but good things to report?”

“Who’s to say?” Miles smirked. “Actually, we were trying to figure out why we had it in our heads that churches in the South were a bit more ... energetic.”

“Oh! Dude, I think you were expecting more of a black gospel.”

“Right,” Miles nodded at his sister. “That’s gotta be it.”

“I gotta admit, I’d gotten my hopes up that we were in for that kind of animated service,” Zoe said.

“Well, if that’s how y’all feel, I’m sure we can find Sister Act streaming somewhere once we’re back in town.”

“What now? We’re gonna watch Sister Act?” Seph asked as she approached. Adorned in a modest, floral green dress that hugged her curves, she turned more than a few heads as she strolled by.

Not exactly the classic Catholic Schoolgirl look. Miles made sure not to gawk as she walked up in clothes other than what they’d been marching in all week. She is wearing the hell out of that dress though.

“Miles is bummed that our choir wasn’t led by Whoopi Goldberg,” Chris found his own comment hilarious, “Oh dude, get this. The twins here didn’t realize Josephine is a girl.”

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Seph shook her head.

“We never said that,” Zoe attempted to explain.

“Not you. Chris,” She explained, “Joe hates it when people call her that.”

Say what? Josephine? Or that she’s a girl? The look on Zoe’s face told Miles she was caught on the same question.

“That’s true,” Chris agreed. “She’ll hurt you if she hears you say it.”

“Which?” Miles asked.

“Nah,” Chris shrugged. “Just doesn’t want to dress like a girl. I mean, I know they don’t really ride around on brooms, and yeah, she doesn’t like swimming, but she can get wet. Anyway, like you just saw, she’s Southern Baptist.”

“No, I meant-”

“Shh, here she comes,” Seph waved Joe over as she exited the building. “Were your ears burning?”

Having only seen her from the neck up and half a room away, Miles was stunned as Joe came up to their group.

Wow, it should be a crime to hide her body under sweats all the time. He grinned as she strode over.

“Uh-oh,” she blushed. “What’d I do?”

“Not you,” Seph clarified, “These two.”

Joe shot a questioning look at them. Their cheeks reddened as she tried to read them.

“They couldn’t figure out who was sitting next to Pixie,” Chris stated.

“Oh,” Joe said, shrinking slightly and crossing her arms.

“No, it’s just ... you’re always tucked away behind your baggy clothes and hat...” Zoe was determined to get her explanation out, “Plus, I only ever see you at the end of the day ... by the light of the bonfire. I- I just never got a good look before.”

“I ... try to hide,” Joe’s voice lacked its usual optimistic notes.

“Jos-” Chris caught himself before saying her full name, “is a bit of what we call, a Tom Boy. She’s always hiding her hair under hats and wearing baggy clothes.”

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Miles finally found his voice. “How come you’re dressed like this now?”

“Oh, if daddy ever found out I wore sweats to church...” She drew a finger across her throat.

“Isn’t there a middle ground, though?” Zoe looked the girl over, “Not that this dress isn’t darling.”

“I’ve just ... never really felt comfortable with my figure,” she fidgeted as she spoke. “So, I don’t have a big wardrobe that ... shows that I’m a girl. And once the dress is on ... mamma always said a dress wasn’t a complete outfit unless you wore it with makeup, too. So...”

Miles flashed his most charming smile, “Well, I-”

“Miles, we should get going to breakfast,” Zoe cut off her brother.

What was that about? She could tell I was just going to compliment Joe.

Zoe shook her head at him before continuing. “Joe, you wanna come with me to make sure Cleo is awake. I assume you boys wouldn’t mind saving us a spot at your table?”

“I’m pretty sure we can manage that,” Miles said.

Seph gave Zoe a knowing look. “I’m going to get going before Toph has us sitting in the back like a couple of stoners.”

Miles couldn’t help but notice Seph’s comment caused Zoe to blush.

“Alright, let’s go!” Chris said eagerly. “C’mon, if we go now we can get there before the kids who wanna get changed before eating.”

The others were a significant distance away before Zoe turned to Joe. “I think Chris might have had a good idea. You wanna put on something you’d feel more comfortable in before we join them?”

Her voice didn’t have the condemnatory tone Joe expected.

“I think ... Yeah ... I think I do,” Joe looked at but refused to meet the eyes of everyone walking past.

“I’m sorry if we put you on the spot,” Zoe frowned.

“I know y’all didn’t mean any harm,” Joe drew her arms higher over her chest. It helped, but not as much as if she had a way of concealing her exposed cleavage. To her surprise, Zoe undid the shawl she was wrapped in and held it out.

“Thank you,” Joe draped it over herself and relaxed slightly.

“I don’t want to press if you’re not ready, but can we clarify something I’m not sure Chris was capable of properly conveying?”

Joe raised an eyebrow.

“Is Tom Boy the accurate term?”

It wasn’t until she started developing breasts that Josephine realized she wasn’t comfortable with herself. She started requesting that people call her Joe. She pressed her boobs to her chest. She wore baggy clothes. She tucked her hair into hats and beanies. None of her friends seemed to have a problem with her decision to not embrace a more feminine look.

A few kids growing up teased her about it. To the point where even her name felt like a way of mocking her. At this point in life, the only people who still called her Josephine were her parents and grandparents.

But no one in her life had ever asked her about herself. Her friends just accepted that she was going by Joe and never gave it a second thought. Her parents were still waiting for her to grow out of a phase.

“I ... uh ... I don’t know. I’ve never talked to anyone about it, so I- I guess I never tried figuring it out myself,” she stammered.

Zoe nodded, “If only life could be easier, right?”

Joe looked away and returned the movement.

“Would it be alright if I walked you to your cabin, and then we can go fetch Cleo together?”

“Afraid I’ll steal your scarf?” Joe smiled.

“If it makes you more comfortable on occasions like this? Keep it,” Zoe smirked. “Heck, when the retreat is over, you can feel free to raid my closet for a few others that will go better with your dresses.”

It would be an uncharacteristically girly thing for Joe to do, but as Zoe made the offer, it felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. “I- I think I might enjoy doing just that.”

They walked the short distance to her cabin without saying much else. Joe opened the door and was relieved to find it empty.

Everyone must either be at church or breakfast.

“You can come in if you want,” she offered and was happy to see Zoe take her up on it.

“I ... don’t think ‘Tom Boy’ is an accurate term,” she said, more comfortably now that she wasn’t as concerned about being overheard.

“Oh yeah?” Zoe sat on a bunk while Joe got situated.

“Well ... I don’t think Tom Boys usually like girls, right?”

“No, I don’t believe that they do,” Zoe allowed herself to lay back on the bunk, not particularly concerned that she didn’t know who it belonged to.

Joe glanced over to make sure Zoe wasn’t staring at her before she unzipped her dress and stepped out of it.

“So, you like girls. And boys?”

“Not really,” Joe shrugged. “I mean, I enjoy the company of boys, but ... there’s just something about the shape of girls that’s always been my thing, y’know?”

She looked over and saw Zoe staring up at the underside of the top bunk. Assured that the other girl wasn’t watching her undress, Joe removed the dress.

“Well, they ... we ... do have different shapes than boys. Historically, at least. But it kinda feels like that’s more of a traditional viewpoint. Maybe an outdated one?”

Joe couldn’t help but smile at the comment. It wasn’t something she expected to hear. She knew other places were more open towards non-traditional lifestyles, and had even heard talk of accepting more than two genders. But it had always felt like some Fantasy or Science Fiction concept. Not something she’d ever heard brought up so comfortably regarding the actual world she actually was a part of.

Zoe must have wondered what was taking so long. She looked over before Joe had a chance to finish wrapping herself.

“Joe!” Zoe jumped up from the bunk. “You really never talked to anyone about this.”

The sudden movement startled Joe and she stopped winding the bandage across her chests. Instinctively, she brought her hands to cover her breasts as Zoe came closer.

“Sorry about that,” Zoe averted her eyes. “I ... I’ve just heard that you really shouldn’t use bandages as binding. I don’t suppose you’ve got like a sports bra or anything, do you?”

Joe shook her head.

“ ... I’m trying not to look, Joe.”

“Oh, sorry,” Joe laughed. “No, I don’t.”

“Okay, well, I told Cleo we’d go visit a salon when we got to town, but I think that needs to be put on hold for a bit. We’re definitely going to get you a more proper binder.”

Joe hated using the bandages, they either didn’t stay in place or she’d need to continually loosen them as the day went on. Occasionally, she wound up with bruises on her chest that lasted long after she took it off. Once, when she first started wrapping, she got scared she might have permanently injured herself when she was bruised and tender on her side for weeks.

She had thought about looking into using something else but was always afraid of how her father would react if he ever discovered she was using a tool to make her appear less feminine. At least the bandages she could pass off as being used for something else.

“Well, I don’t want y’all to cancel your plans just because of me,” it scared Joe that she was actually having a conversation like this with another person.

“We can easily move those plans, Joe, but this is serious. People can really hurt themselves when they try to do it this way.”

Hearing the concern in her voice made Joe realize it was stupid to feel exposed. Zoe wasn’t judging her or making her feel ashamed of her body. She actually wanted to help.

“You don’t have to look away,” Joe expected herself to regret saying it as soon as the words came out of her mouth, but she didn’t.

Zoe lowered her gaze and was glad to see Joe smiling at her. Then she noticed bruising along Joe’s torso that seemed to trail around her body. As Zoe’s eyes scanned her body, Joe tossed the wrap onto her bed.

“Joe ... can you turn around?”

Experiencing the pain in her back was one thing. Realizing someone else would notice something was amiss at a mere glance was another. It was nearly as terrifying as if her parents discovered what she was up to.

When she turned back around, she saw tears flowing down Zoe’s cheeks. Zoe walked straight over and hugged her. Joe winced, anticipating the gesture, but Zoe had already made the conscious decision to not put any additional constrictions on her body.

The realization that her pain wasn’t superficial enough to go unnoticed brought new fears to her mind, and she was grateful that someone entered her life that sounded determined to make it better.

“I’m so sorry, sweetie,” Zoe whispered. Though they’d not spent any time alone together until just then, Joe now felt closer to Zoe than she had with anyone else in a long time.

“It’s not that big of a deal. I hardly even notice it,” Joe hated the fact that she was giving her new friend the lies that she’d planned on telling her parents if they ever found out.

“You can’t wrap,” Zoe said matter-of-factly as she gestured towards the semi-uncoiled bandage, “Never again. Not with this.”

“But what am I gunna do?”

“You already have baggy shirts and sweatshirts. Put some on and come with me. I don’t suppose you know what size bra you wear?”

Joe put on a shirt, looked at the ground, and shook her head.

“That’s fine. You look like you probably fit one of mine. If not, we’ll find someone who has an extra in your size. We’ll even say it’s for me if you want.”

She’s crazy if she thinks I’ll fit in one of her bras. No way that’d be less constricting than the bandage. But she means well and it doesn’t sound like she’s going to give up easily.

“Hey, Zoe ... I, uh...” Joe wasn’t sure how to express her gratitude. She knew she was on the brink of tearing up. Not knowing what else to do, she took hold of the other girl’s hand and squeezed, “Thank you for being my friend.” 9:45 AM, Belews Lake Cafeteria

“It’s taking them longer than I anticipated.”

“Relax,” Chris assured. “I’m sure fine. Probably just took a bit to rouse Cleo. They’ll be here soon.”

Miles looked at what was left on his plate and realized his nerves had caused him to eat quicker than he’d intended. “Is it going to be rude if we’re finished by the time they show up?”

“It’s not like Seph and Topher are going to expect us to wait for them.”

“Good point.”

“Weird that Mel and Pix didn’t join us, isn’t it?”

“Huh,” Miles looked away. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Miles finished the last of his chips and realized Chris was leering at him.

Uh-oh.

“So, you ready to tell me which of the girls you’re avoiding?”

“Not one of us, is it?” Judy asked as she sat down, joined by Amber and Lindsay.

“No,” Miles assured, trying not to sound annoyed at how close she sat to him. At least, not that I’d be willing to vocalize.

“Good,” she said triumphantly as she pressed her body against his. “We would have joined you earlier but somebody didn’t mention seeing you guys until we were just about done eating.”

“I thought they would have joined us if they wanted,” Lindsay stated.

“Oh hush, they clearly didn’t see we were already eating when they arrived,” Judy grinned. “But, we’re all here together now. So no harm done.”

“We uh-”

Amber spoke before Chris could get his thought out.

“We figured Zoe and Cleo might be torn on who to sit with. And this way they don’t have to make an uncomfortable decision.”

The normal lunch rules had been disregarded in lieu of the multiple services being held in the auditorium throughout the day. It was the first opportunity for Miles to dine with some of his classmates. A thought that neither he nor Chris had considered when they entered the cafeteria.

“Sorry that took so long,” Zoe announced as she took her seat on Miles’s opposite side.

“Everything alright?” he asked.

“Just girl stuff.”

Cleo sat next to Zoe while Joe went around and sat next to Chris who was the only person sitting across from Miles and the percussionists.

Damn. Joe was back to sweatshirts and hats. Figures it wouldn’t last long. At least now I have an idea of what she’s hiding under-

“Miles, can I see you over here for a second?” Zoe was out of her seat and nearly yanked her brother from his own before he could process what she’d said.

He looked back at their friends who returned his gaze with looks of confusion.

“Ow,” he said once Zoe let go. “Did you really need to drag me like that? It was embarrassing. Like a child about to get disciplined for misbehaving.”

“You are a child,” she stated curtly. “You have been misbehaving.”

“I-what”

“What, what?” She rebutted incredulously, “I saw the look on your face when you saw her earlier, and the one you made just now. Just ... Joe is off-limits. K? She’s dealing with some stuff and doesn’t need more complications in her life.”

He gave her a dubious look as he considered her words, then nodded, “You’re right.”

“She’s gonna need friends who can hear her and not judge her,” She looked around, “You hung out together all last week, you know that how she was dressed for church isn’t how she wants to be perceived. Treat her as the person she’s presenting to you.”