Chapter 7

Where do men go when they storm out of the house? Of course! The pub, where else? Our local was fortunately only a fifteen minute brisk walk away and I needed that walk to cool my turbulent emotions and ease the tension caused by my rant, which I’m sure had to be cathartic, and perhaps even therapeutic!

My heart was pounding and every muscle was tense, but as I walked, my pace eventually slackened and the tension eased.

The Chapel House Pub was full when I arrived well after ten thirty, as it always was on Friday nights, and I was surprised but relieved that none of our friends were there that night. I didn’t fancy explaining why I was alone and that Faye was not ill.

I bought my pint and propped up the furthest corner of the bar, there being no seating available anywhere, and certainly no seating for one!

Now I was out of the house, the adrenaline rush of my diatribe was dissipating, and I simply felt exhausted. There was still residual relief that victory over Fredericks had been won, but now it felt hollow. I knew there would never be any more danger from Leo Fredericks, and there was some satisfaction in that knowledge, but the emptiness grew to a void as my own tirade had highlighted that it seemed she loved me much less intensely than I had thought she did, less single-mindedly, less whole-heartedly, than I had loved her.

Had loved her? Didn’t I love her still? Did I love her? She had demeaned me, she’d put another man above me in her priorities for some months. I began to feel panic; did this mean the end of our marriage anyway? Was all my effort pointless? Was she in fact growing tired of me? That glance at her happy smile as we had walked from the restaurant, only seemed to provoke anger and resentment in me, as if it were mocking me.

I tried to rationalise those negative feelings. Surely it was a natural reaction to the release of tension. For two months I had been stressed, beginning with that awful wedding anniversary dinner-dance. From that first evening until some hours before this present moment, I’d been tense, under pressure, desperately trying to cope with what increasingly looked like the end of my marriage and the loss of my children.

It seemed as if every day had brought a new challenge, a new frightening revelation which had kept my attention firmly planted in the present moment. I remembered when the stress reached its climax, as she stated her intention of sleeping with him, and how it spurred me into planning counter measures and amassing the evidence to defeat Fredericks. It was then that I realised that simply supplying the evidence of his deceit would never be enough for me. Faye needed to choose me over him cold. That had frightened me to death but I doggedly went ahead with the plan. I was glad now that I did.

I replayed the detailed choreography of that final restaurant meal, my ultimatum to her and how delightfully that turned out. I was just beginning to recall her little speech lauding me and rejecting Fredericks, when last orders were called at the pub, and at the same time my mobile rang.

I assumed the caller would be Faye begging me to come home, but instead the picture on the screen was of Cressida. I answered it, asked her to hold, finished my pint and went outside the pub away from the noise, where I stopped and put the phone back to my ear.

‘Cressy, what’s up?’

‘Faye’s just phoned me in tears.’ It was a plain statement of fact, but it clearly begged a response from me.

‘I’m not really surprised she was upset.’ I said with a sigh.

‘Aaron, where are you? She said you just stormed out.’ Cressy sounded worried, and this intrigued me.

‘I’ve just emerged from the Chapel House pub so I could hear you, it’s absolute bedlam in there.’

‘You’re not trying to drown your sorrows, I hope?’

That would have been a jocular response were it not for the worry in her voice. But It still made me laugh which surprised me.

‘Cressy my darling, fat chance of that! It’s eleven pm! They’ll be shut soon! There was only time to order one pint. I had to get out of the house to calm down, and the pub was somewhere to go. Where else would I go at ten thirty at night? I’d hardly go clubbing! I’ve had all the entertainment I can stand this evening!’

‘That’s a relief! Oh damn! You’re right – it’s chucking out time, or will be by the time I get dressed and run there, so it’s too late for me to join you, but you could join me here, how about it?’

‘You’re inviting me to join you late at night, and you not dressed? Nude? Sounds intriguing, not to say enticing!’

‘I’m in the bathroom at this moment and I’m just out of the tub. So yes, my darling, I’m stark bollock naked, though in my case without the bollocks! Don’t worry, though, I’ll disappoint you by being covered up when you get here. Seriously, though, Faye worried me, Aaron. I think we need to talk about this.’

I sighed audibly. ‘More talk Cressy? I don’t see what good that’ll do, but... ‘ I stopped, not knowing what to say or what to do for the best.

The silence from Cressida didn’t help. Then I realised I rather liked the idea of spending some time relaxing and talking with Cressy.

‘It’s only a hop and a step from here to your place,’ i said. ‘Shall I come over then?’

‘Do that! I always knew you were a sensible boy!’

We both laughed.

Ten minutes later I was sitting in her living room with a generous malt whisky in my hand, and a (dressed) Cressida sitting opposite.

‘Hm,’ I said appreciatively, ‘I should come visiting more often – and on foot!’

Cressida laughed. ‘Well you’re only about half an hour away on foot using the cut-throughs, and you know you’re always welcome! And you also know I do have something you lust after – no, not that! I’m talking about my interesting whisky collection... ‘

She giggled, which made me laugh. She has an infectious giggle.

Already I felt much better, much calmer. This was how we always were with each other, mildly flirtatious, but both feeling perfectly safe doing so. I always felt more cheerful when with her, now in this crisis even more so. Much of my anger had dissipated and I felt indolently relaxed.

‘Okay,’ I said, getting down to business. ‘What’s the problem, d’you think?’

‘I think of all people you should know very well,’ she answered with a half smile. ‘Oh, I did phone her back and said you were coming here.’

‘Faye?’

‘Who else, dumbo?’ she laughed. ‘I don’t have any of your other girlfriends’ numbers, do I? You really are confused, aren’t you?’

Then she became serious. ‘Aaron, she’s very distressed – in tears; she’s worried stiff! I’m pretty sure she thinks she’s losing you.

‘All I know,’ she continued, ‘is that when I left the pair of you, everything in the garden was far from lovely, but I thought that now the crisis had passed and Leo was out of the way, you’d be satisfied and even delighted she’d made the right decision. You, at any rate, could breathe again: you both could look forward to a happy future together once more. Then, no sooner do I get back home and jump in the bath than I get this desperate phone call saying you blew up at her and stormed out.

‘Aaron, I don’t think you’ve ever shouted at her like she said you did then, and you’ve never walked out on her either. So what’s gone so badly wrong?’

‘To begin with, I didn’t “storm out”. I told her that I needed to get out of there for a while. I needed space to calm down. She hit a nerve and I reacted. I gave her a lecture and okay, I may have raised my voice somewhat; I was forceful but I didn’t shout: our children could have still been awake. I told her quite a number of home truths about exactly how she had behaved since meeting that bastard. Yes, I was sharp, even scathing with her, that’s true, but when I got so worked up that I might have said something I would really regret, I said I needed some space and left.’

‘You say she hit a nerve?’

‘Oh, yes, She said “she knew how I felt”. Well, She didn’t. So I told her at length that she hadn’t a clue how I’d been feeling while she vacillated between whether to leave me or stay, whether to sleep with him or not, or, God help us, whether to spend a whole weekend in his bed, leaving me to look after the kids, field their questions and comfort their distress.

‘So I rather laboured exactly what she’d done and how I felt about it at the time. I don’t think she enjoyed that much, in fact I know she didn’t. So she knows now, at least to some extent, how I felt!’

I finished with a grim smile, which Cressy did not emulate. Instead she looked thoughtful. So we sat in silence while I waited in expectation for her to articulate what she was thinking. My sister-in-law could be quite perceptive! Her comment would be worth waiting for.

‘You know,’ she said, ‘I’ve lived through all of this trauma alongside you, but when you put it into words – I mean the leaving you for the night, or much worse for the weekend – that is pretty horrifying; she really did lose her mind or at least her sense of proportion to even consider that as acceptable in any way. Almost as if she was under hypnosis. I mean, did she really think you – or anyone else for that matter – would stand by while his wife did something like that?’

See? Perceptive!

‘She was lost in her own little fantasy world,’ I said reflectively. ‘She was back to when she was sixteen. She did say, in answer to my little speech, that I didn’t realise that she suffered as well, being torn between the two of us, and not knowing how to decide!’

‘Yes. I suppose she did suffer in a way,’ Cressy said. ‘But your suffering was of a different order.’

Cressy then appeared to change the subject. ‘So how did your campaign at the restaurant work out? You looked quite stressed when you left the house to go there.’

‘I was stressed. I’d tried so many ways to reach her, make her understand what she was doing to me, without success. Cressy I felt utterly powerless to change her mind and so I wasn’t all that hopeful of success. I really started to believe I really was losing her-’

‘You were,’ Cressida interjected. ‘I’m sure she really did want to see if she could make a life with him, and she thought having a night of passion would help her m make up her mind.

‘But I’m not sure she was already leaning towards him as a partner. She was genuinely torn between you two, and as the sitting tenant as it were, I think she would have wanted to stay with you in the end.

‘From our often heated arguments about her behaviour towards you, I’m sure she would never have stayed with him for a weekend. I think she allowed Leo to think that she would, to save herself from an argument.or more pressure from him. She’s not stupid, Aaron, and I’m sure she realised eventually that you wouldn’t tolerate her sleeping with him overnight.’

‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘I’d made that absolutely clear. In fact I remember insisting she come home immediately after the meal. But then in her talk with him she implied strongly she would go back with him, but not stay the night, so I don’t know what she really had in mind.’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I agree she wouldn’t stay the night, but I’m pretty sure she was intending to fuck him after the meal. After all, she didn’t know you’d be there after the meal, and therefore she would assume you wouldn’t know she’d gone with him. She’d then assess your mood and decided whether to tell you what she’d done.’

Cressy really is perceptive!

‘Okay, I’m sure you’re right,’ I agreed. ‘I’m also sure I really was losing her. I didn’t count for enough in her eyes to stop herself going with him. I wanted at a basic level to stop them fucking each other, so I knew, when I entered the restaurant it was all or nothing. I was frightened to death about the conclusion - that she’d choose him and finish us, but I was sure that there was no chance of them fucking after she’d seen the contents of the second envolope.’

‘You really did use the two envelopes tactic then, like you told me. You threatened her with divorce?’

‘I wasn’t bluffing about the divorce; I really would have gone through with that. In my state of mind then, I knew for certain I could well be about to destroy our marriage and hurt our children, but I was so desperate I was going to risk it. I couldn’t see any other way out, unless she came back to me of her own accord there and then. I just wanted to free myself from the seeming interminable mental pressure.’

‘You really didn’t let her have the envelope with all that evidence about him, until after she made her decision?’

‘It had to be a straight choice between us, Cressy, otherwise I’d never know why she stayed with me. I mean, she could have been staying with me because her first choice proved two be worthless. I would then be better than nothing. That might not have been the case, of course, but I’d never know, would I?’

‘But you do know now she really does love you for you, don’t you? You might have woken her up to reality, but when you did, she did make the right enlightened choice,’ Cressy asserted. ‘So once she had chosen, then she got the evidence?’

‘Yes, as you say, the right choice from my point of view. She actually told him that when she saw us both together, there was no comparison. I was really the love of her life. She was quite eloquent about it and very complimentary to me. I got a ringing endorsement!

‘But Cressy, then she got the evidence, and she pasted him. She coldly asked him question after question about the other women, then shot him down each time he tried to lie, again and again. Then she lambasted him – you know how she hates liars – she was on fire!’

‘So it was a clear victory for you: you were sure of her at last, you won! I can’t understand why you were so miserable when you got home. What happened?’

I had to think about that. Then I remembered.

‘We were walking to the car. All the pressure had been lifted, the future lay open before us again. I briefly felt exhilarated – I’d met the bastard in straight conflict and defeated him totally. Then Faye pressed herself to my side, with what seemed at the time to be a triumphant smile on her face, and all the euphoria disappeared.’

‘I don’t understand,’ Cressy said, puzzled.

‘It was July Walthers.’ I said.

‘Who?’

‘July Walthers from my high school days, it looked like July’s smile.’

‘Aaron, you’ve lost me.’

‘Patience, dear Cressy. I’ve only just made the connection myself.

‘I think it happened in years ten or eleven. Anyway, between ages fifteen and eighteen. It happened more than once I was told, but I saw it only twice. The smile.’

‘Still lost! What happened?’

‘I’m getting to it. July Walthers was a very pretty girl, so were quite a lot of the girls in our year, but she had something about her which gave her an allure. Boys went for her with their tongues hanging out, at least the confident ones did. And the confident ones tended to be the athletic ones on the school teams.

‘Those of us who were more academic knew she was out of our league, and I was an academic. I did enjoy PE but I wasn’t all that good at it, so I had little to do with July and her devious ways.

‘That is not to say we were not aware of the goings on between the really pretty girls and the jocks, you know - who was going with whom - and July’s exploits were hinted at often.

‘But it turned out she was not a very nice girl, she was vain and heartless. There were stories that she seemed to enjoy humiliating boys. She’d agree to go out with a lad, really lead him on, then deliberately cheat on him with someone else, and engineer a confrontation between the two, it seemed, for her entertainment. I suppose it made her feel desired.

‘Boys got into fights over her, that was the story, and I happened to witness one of these altercations. The two lads had a shouting match, and then July’s latest acquisition left, the jilted candidate looking embarrassed and upset.’

‘I don’t see what-’

‘You will. It was when the new couple were walking away. It was the satisfied smile on July’s face. She’d enjoyed seeing the boys fighting over her, and the disappointment on the losing boys face.

‘In the same way, Fredericks and I had just “fought” over Faye, and Faye and I were walking away having beaten him. And Faye was smiling.

‘It was something about her smile that triggered the change in my feelings. It took me back to my time at school It suddenly felt to me as if she’d been playing July’s selfish bitch-of-a-teenage-girl’s dating game, not caring about the mayhem she left behind, as long as she got what she wanted, which was to have two boys showing how much they wanted her by knocking seven bells out of each other. I suppose my confrontation with Fredericks at the restaurant was the equivalent of a playground brawl.’

‘Sorry, Aaron, but that’s not Faye. That’s about as far as possible from her character as you could get. I’m sure if she was smiling, it was relief at escaping from Leo and that she’d avoided horrible consequences and danger to her future life. Can’t you see that?’

I thought about that, and I had to agree. Faye certainly was nothing like July. Faye was a pretty woman and she had an allure for me, but physically July’s looks left Faye standing. Cressida seemed to read my thoughts, and I hadn’t answered her.

‘I’m talking about Faye’s character,’ she said. ‘Can you remember any time during your relationship when she tried the sort of game July was playing?’

‘No, you’re right,’ I said. ‘She never did, but Fredericks and I were in competition for Faye, even though she wasn’t playing any games. All I’m saying is that Faye’s smile triggered my change of feelings, and I think it was July’s behaviour that triggered it. I went from euphoria to resentment and anger.’

‘Why resentment?’

Once again I had to think it through.

‘I’d gone through my months of tension, frustration and impotence. I think it was over with so quickly and she had been there cause of it, and as we walked away she was free and clear, and happy as Larry! I was exhausted and weary.’

Cressy looked thoughtful then suggested, ‘So now it was over, she seemed to feel no guilt at all about the devastation she’d been so close to visiting on you all, or about the suffering she’d caused you yourself?’

I wasn’t sure that was totally accurate, but I supposed it was near enough.

‘More or less,’ I agreed.

‘That’s how it looked to you, but was that what she was really feeling?’