Chapter 3

Thursday 11th July 2002

After Faye’s visit with Leo to our house, that evening there was at last a change in her demeanour. There was a wistfulness, a sadness about her and I knew why. Perhaps, I thought, she might be having second thoughts about going through with this. The happy family interactions seemed to give her pause for thought; I could see the strain in her as she tried to keep up the appearance of a contented and happy mother. Fortunately, the children did not notice the difference in her as I did.

It further decided me to put the first part of my plan into operation the next evening. Would she be truthful or would she lie? I could hardly wait to find out.

She had an early night, which did not surprise me, and she was asleep when I came to bed. I was somewhat relieved. If I could notice an emotional change in her, she might be able to see the same in me.

On Friday evening we had booked Cressida, Faye’s sister, to babysit while we went to the pub for an hour or so. We went early since it was Friday and later on the place would be heaving. Once we were seated with our drinks, I kept my tone light and fired my first mortar.

‘Hey, you know Bill from sales? Well he swore he saw you at the Midland Hotel of all places a week last Thursday. He was entertaining a client there. I told him it must have been someone who looked like you. I mean, what would you be doing in the Midland at lunchtime? It seems you have a double, he was so sure.’

Silence.

She stared at her drink and looked uncomfortable. I was about to say something more, when she spoke.

‘I haven’t,’ she she said dully, still looking down at her drink.

‘You haven’t been to the Midland for lunch? Well, I didn’t think so!’

‘No, I mean I’ve not got a double, and yes, I was at the Midland that day.’

‘Oh?’ I tried to sound enthused. ‘So Bill was right, have they got you entertaining clients now? Have you moved into sales? Is it promotion? Should we be celebrating?’

She was downbeat as she replied, ‘No, Bill was wrong. I was seeing someone.’

‘Seeing someone? Who?’

‘Leo Fredericks.’

Now I was prepared for the answer or for a lie, but her frank admission still took me by surprise and kept my deception in tact. I looked amazed, as if I were struggling with the concept.

‘You were having lunch with Fredericks?’ I wanted to sound amazed and annoyed, no, upset and angry, and to my surprise I found I didn’t have to make any effort.

‘Yes.’ A bald statement and as usual, the truth. ‘And his name is Leo, Aaron.’

‘I call friends by their first name and he’s no friend of mine,’ I snapped. ‘So he’s Fredericks. Anyway it’s months since we saw him at the dance, what...?’ I stopped myself before I revealed too much of what I really knew.

‘We’ve been meeting for lunch a few times. I told you I would be seeing him.’

‘You also told me you would tell me if or when you did, and also let me know what you talked about. You haven’t exactly done that have you? That was deception. You’ve gone behind my back to meet him, Faye. So what else haven’t you told me about?’

‘What d’you mean? What’re you implying?’ she bridled at my insinuation.

‘You know exactly what I mean.’ I growled.

‘We had lunch and we talked about old times, about what we used to do together.’

‘Really? You met a number of times and talked about what you did together? Well, we know exactly what you did together, don’t we? And after keeping your meetings secret from me, you expect me to believe that you have nothing to be ashamed of? That you both just reminisced about having sex every time you met and didn’t do anything?’

‘Don’t be so crass Aaron,’ she said angrily. ‘We didn’t just talk about sex, we talked about the parties we went to, which films we’d seen. We talked about our friends, and what we’ve been doing since we lost each other. And okay, we kissed goodbye. Satisfied?’

‘No, I’m not bloody satisfied! How long did the kisses last? Tongues? Did he feel you up? Did you grope him, give him a feel? After talking every time you met for lunch?’

‘Perhaps a bit, and why not? We used to be lovers, it’s not as if we hadn’t done it before. And since you suspect me of being unfaithful: no, we did not have sex; no hand jobs, no fingering, no blow jobs, and he didn’t go down on me. Okay?’ she was being belligerently sarcastic. ‘We kissed with tongues, he stroked my back, he played with my ears, that’s all!’

I sat still and mute. I knew all that – I’d seen it some of it happen, but to hear her defiantly listing it all and clearly unrepentant still came as a renewed shock.

Then as the silence lengthened, and as she noticed what she took to be my devastated expression, she seemed to realise she had gone too far, and sagged before continuing.

‘Please Aaron,’ she begged, now distressed. ‘Let’s not fight over this. I need to sort out how I feel about him. I’ve not shut you out. I’ve not chosen him over you. I loved him as no one else, he was my first, we were teenagers, and I still feel that now. But you and I – we have something else, and I feel a deep love for you. So I’m torn, can’t you see?

‘He’s been through hell. His mother hid my letters to make him think I’d stopped writing, and so he stopped as well. But he’s loved me all this time, and never managed to settle with anyone, never able to really commit. I feel ... Well, responsible ... Hell, I don’t know how I feel, or where all this is going.’

‘You’re telling me all this now,’ I made my tone dull and complaining, ‘but you promised you would tell me before it happened. You lied by omission, Faye. I think I’m losing you. You lied! There’s a space between us now that wasn’t there before.’

I admit, I played upon the word “lie”, because she found lying so abhorrent, and she flinched at my calling her a liar, but it prompted more from her.

‘There’s something else, Aaron,’ she said reluctantly, ‘I was going to tell you later in the week all about this. I’m going out for dinner with him on Friday night next.’

This did not come as a devastating surprise to me either, but I managed to act as if it did.

I was silent and then said morosely, ‘Faye, you have two children. They lived in what was until tonight a happy, secure family. They were sure of both of their parents and of their parents’ love for each other and for them. This isn’t just me, you know.’

‘Don’t try to blackmail me, Aaron, it won’t work,’ she snapped at me.

Now I was genuinely astonished.

‘Blackmail? You call my concern for my children and their security and happiness blackmail? How sick are you Faye? You really mean that your own happiness is far more important than theirs? And not just their happiness – their mental and emotional welfare! I’m starting to feel I’ve never really known you.’

‘Children adapt.’ Her tone was clipped.

‘They shouldn’t need to adapt; damage is always done, and you damn well know it.’

‘If I don’t do this, I’ll always wonder.’

‘Oh that’s the crap he’s fed you, is it? That’s the line he’s pedalling, is it? Well, good move on his part! It’s bullshit. You go with him, you’ll always wonder what growing old with me would have been like. Going with me, you’ll wonder what he would have been like. You can’t win either way on that, Faye. I bet you think that if your dalliance with him doesn’t work out you can come trotting back to me. That’s fantasy Faye: you go with him, you stay with him.’

I sat back in my chair. ‘You need to make a decision one way or another Faye and soon. But remember, consequences will follow that you can’t change.’

‘More threats, Aaron?’ she snapped and then subsided. ‘I know there are consequences; credit me with some intelligence. Can’t you see? I can’t help loving him, and I can’t help loving you. I’m trying to find a way out of this. So you may as well know, I may spend the weekend with him.’

‘The weekend? I don’t believe this! Well, my darling, you plan your course of action, and I’ll have to plan mine, won’t I?’

‘What do you mean by that?’ she asked angrily.

‘Grow up Faye, you’re not a schoolgirl with a teenage crush any more. You’re a grown woman with a husband you made a binding commitment to, and children who need you to make the right decision. I know what’s best for the children. I think you do too deep down. I’ll say no more.’

‘I think we’ve both said enough,’ she snapped. ‘I’m going home.’

She stood and walked out of the door, leaving half her drink. I wondered if she expected me to run after her. I took my time finishing my pint, took the glasses back to the counter and then followed her. She had not waited for me.

I could see her a hundred metres ahead of me, but I made no effort to catch her up. When I reached home, she was in the kitchen talking to Cressida. The discussion was intense, with raised voices, but I had no interest in joining in. I forwent my usual bedtime drink of milk and went to bed. In my distress at this recent turn of events, I did not have to feign sleep, by the time Fay came to bed, I must have been fast asleep even though it was early.

Saturday morning found me awake early. Traditionally Saturday morning was spent making love after I had brought Faye tea, but this morning I could not face Faye and another argument that would colour the rest of the day. The children knew to amuse themselves until breakfast. I slid out of bed and dressed in light chinos and a tee shirt and went for a long brisk walk.

My thoughts were disjointed and my feelings were dark. I knew with cold certainty that if Faye went with Fredericks I could not remain married to her. She would effectively have rejected me for him. I couldn’t live the rest of our lives as her second best lover. I seethed at the injustice of it all, and the effect it would have on Michael and Samantha. I was filled with dread at having to leave the family home and watch as Fredericks took my place.

I was completely at a loss to understand how Faye could do this to me and the children. I knew that in a divorce I would lose the house to Faye until the children left home, I knew that I would be paying crippling maintenance for the children and no doubt some allowance to Faye, in spite of the fact that Fredericks would be living there, unless of course they married; life looked really bleak at that thought.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I also lost track of time, being jolted out of my reverie by the buzzing of my phone.

The caller ID showed it was Faye, and I realised I had been walking for nearly two hours, and was a long way from home. I toyed with the idea of not answering, but thought that would be childish. It was only nine o’clock.

‘Aaron where are you?’ her voice was high with worry and panic, ‘You weren’t in bed, and then I couldn’t find you in the house.’

‘I decided to go for a walk.’ I said woodenly. ‘I have a lot to think about, decisions to make.’

‘When are you coming home? You worried me.’

Big deal. I thought, Like you’re the only one worried!

‘I’m on my way home now; I’ll be another hour.’ I droned.

‘Shall I come and pick you up?’

‘Since the purpose of me being here is to walk, that would be counter productive, don’t you think?’

‘Don’t play games, Aaron, I thought you might be tired.’