Chapter 9: What Am I Missing?

February 9, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

On Wednesday, instead of going to dinner at Violet's house, I had dinner with Lily. Violet hadn't been happy, but she knew Lily and I were seeing each other, so she hadn't protested, simply expressed her disappointment. The concern I had was when classes ended, I'd likely see Violet less often, and I wasn't sure how that might affect her. But that was a problem for June, and I could wait to see what developed in my life before then.

"Hi!" Lily exclaimed when she opened the door. "Interested in an appetizer?"

"What did you have in mind?" I asked as I stepped into the foyer.

"Lily nectar for you and protein for me! Then, when you come back after class, the main course!"

"I thought you said dessert!" I chuckled.

"The food is just to keep up our energy!" Lily said impishly.

She grabbed my hand and led me up to her room where I had my fill of 'Lily nectar', and she had her helping of 'protein'. Neither of us was sweaty from our sixty-nine session, so we simply cleaned up with a washcloth, then dressed and went downstairs to eat dinner.

"How is your new job going?" Lily asked as we sat down to a dinner of homemade lasagna, which had been baking while we were in her bed.

"So far, so good," I replied. "The next two years will mostly be research and analysis, which, in addition to helping Spurgeon make money now, gives me a foundation for the future when I'm trading full time. How are things going for you?"

"Classes are going well, and I'm having fun. Mom gives me a decent amount of freedom without getting on my case, which means as long as I sleep at home and don't have guys in my room, she leaves me alone."

"Guys that she knows about, anyway!" I said with a grin.

"Duh!" Lily declared. "But you're the only one I've invited here because even if she somehow found out, she wouldn't get on my case too much because she likes you."

"How are things with Costas?"

"I'd say 'back to normal', which means like they were before he came out as gay. He was always a bit of a pain in the butt, but I think older brothers are always like that."

"Couldn't say, being an only child," I replied.

"Are you seeing anyone seriously?"

"No. You?"

"No. There are two guys I go out with besides you, but I'm with you on not getting too serious before graduation. Well, you aren't graduating, but around twenty-two. So just over two years from now, then we can discuss if we belong together."

"I'm curious if that's what you see happening?"

"I have no idea," Lily said. "I mean, sure, I could see it happening, but I think you're going to end up with Violet."

"What makes you say that?" I asked.

"She's obviously madly in love with you, and you're seeing her three times a week. Who else do you see that often? And spend more time with? I mean, besides your housemates?"

Lily was the second person to say that Violet was in love with me. When Bianca had said it, I'd questioned the 'in love' part, but it actually wouldn't surprise me at this point. And as Anala had said, it was entirely possible for her to be in love with me and not want to have sex with me. And given I wanted kids, and didn't want to live the rest of my life as a monk, that meant there really was no future unless Violet could overcome her past.

Doctor Lochner had been adamant that it was unlikely, but Violet had made progress in other areas of her life, so I felt it was possible. The challenge, if I decided I felt that way about Violet, was how to discover if Violet had truly come to terms with her past and could move forward with an intimate relationship.

"I know I shouldn't ask this question," I said carefully, "but I'm going to, anyway. Feel free to refuse to answer if you feel it violates a confidence. Is that something Violet has said to you?"

"No, she hasn't said it, but it's blindingly obvious from the way she talks about you and the way she looks at you. You guys aren't..."

"That's one of those questions that has to remain unanswered," I replied. "I know Violet has feelings for me; it's just that there are complications which I can't discuss."

"I do know she had a rough time growing up and ended up in foster care, but I don't know any details. I'm going to guess it had something to do with that."

"Again, that's not something I can talk about."

"Sorry. I probably shouldn't have brought it up. What I was trying to say was that I don't expect anything one way or the other with you. I'm not going to say 'no', but I'm not ready to say 'yes', and I was just telling you what I thought."

"We're basically on the same page," I replied. "Are you busy Friday of next week?"

"Nope!"

"Want to go out with Jack, Kristy, and me?"

"Absolutely! Do you want me to meet you at the Hancock Center?"

"That's easiest, for sure."

"Cool! And we can go back to your place afterwards?"

"If you want."

Lily laughed, "As if I'd say 'no' to fooling around with you!"

We finished eating, I went to class, and when class ended, I acted on Troy's suggestion and asked Teri if she wanted to do something on President's Day, as I'd have the day off from work, and we wouldn't have class.

"Sure!" she exclaimed. "What did you want to do?"

"I'll leave that up to you," I replied. "Just give me your address and phone number, and let me know what time to pick you up."

She gave me the information, and I gave her a business card with my home phone number written on the back. She promised to call to let me know what time to pick her up once she decided what we would do. Our date arranged, I headed back to Lily's to have two helpings of the 'main course' before we showered together.

"Are you having people over now that football season is over?" Lily asked as we dressed.

"No," I replied. "But you're invited to the housewarming party at the end of March."

"Housewarming?"

"Sorry, I was completely remiss! I bought a house, and we'll move in late March."

"Wow! A house at twenty? Maybe I should change my mind on a serious relationship!"

"It takes two to tango," I replied with a smile.

"And we tango very nicely! Call me, OK?"

"Of course."

We finished dressing, then hugged and kissed, and I headed home.

February 10, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

On Thursday morning, Kasia called and arranged to stop by during the afternoon. When she did, we both signed the agreement, and I made a copy for myself. She let me know that she'd scheduled an ad to run in the Trib for the weekend, and she'd keep me posted on when she'd be showing the house.

"Would you like to meet for pizza again next week?" she asked. "I enjoyed our talk."

"I would, but I have class Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and I have a dinner party to go to on Tuesday. What about Tuesday of the following week?"

"That will work for me! Let me call you that Tuesday morning to make final plans."

I agreed, and after she left, I went back to work. At the end of the day, I headed to University Village to see Violet. When I arrived at her house, I could tell she wasn't happy I'd missed dinner the previous evening. I felt I had to say something because I didn't want to hurt her, but I also didn't want her to feel she had a monopoly on my time when we weren't a couple. The thing was, I couldn't say it that way because if there was anyone with whom I'd never be blunt and direct, it was Violet.

"Want to tell me what's bothering you?" I asked as we sat down to dinner.

I knew, but every conversation with Violet required finesse.

"I missed having dinner with you last night," she replied quietly.

"How many have I missed since we started the new semester?"

"Two," she replied.

"I would hope you understand that I have other friends to see," I said gently. "And that you'd consider we went to a hockey game, too."

"I know," she sighed. "But having you here is the best part of my week. And I'm worried that because you're not taking a class this Summer, I'll hardly get to see you."

"I promised we'd still see each other," I said. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes, but ... sorry, never mind."

"You can say anything you want to me," I said. "You don't have to worry about me being upset."

"No," she said, shaking her head, "I can't."

"OK," I replied. "You can talk to me about anything, anytime. And I promise to never be angry or upset with you."

"Thanks," she replied.

I suspected strongly that she wanted to tell me how she felt but was frightened about saying the words out loud and the potential implications of voicing them. If true, then this was the exact thing Doctor Lochner had warned about, though she'd been wrong about everything else. Or, perhaps, it was this specific outcome she expected and that had informed her opinion of how to proceed. The problem with that thinking was that it was a recipe for never recovering and never having a semblance of a real life, and in my mind, that was letting Violet's parents win, as they were, indirectly, completely controlling her life.

We finished our meal, cleaned up the kitchen, then headed to class. After class, we had our usual pie and coffee, then I walked her home. The hug I received from Violet lingered a bit longer than usual, and the kiss was one where the corners of our mouths slightly overlapped. As I walked to my car after Violet went into her house, I wondered if I'd simply imagined that the hug had lingered based on the earlier conversation or if it really had.

"Hi!" Bianca exclaimed when I arrived home.

"Ready for bed?" I asked.

"Always! Now?"

"Now is as good a time as any!"

She and Shelly climbed the stairs with me, and we spent three hours fooling around as a trio before the two girls went to their room to sleep, and I simply pulled the comforter over me and fell asleep.

February 11, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

I'd contemplated who to invite for my usual Friday night out with Jack and Kristy, and on Wednesday, I'd decided to ask Keiko, who had quickly accepted. She took the L to meet us at the Hancock Center, and after introductions, we headed to Italian Village for dinner.

"There really isn't anything playing at the movies we want to see," Kristy said as we headed to the restaurant. "I thought about The Entity, but it was panned."

"What's it about?" I asked.

"A woman who is raped by demons. Supposedly based on a true story."

"I call bullshit!" I declared.

"Why?" Keiko asked.

"I don't believe any such things exist. I'd wager the person who claimed it was mentally ill."

"Shinto teaches that spirits do exist," Keiko said.

I nodded, "I know, as do other religions, but I've seen no evidence of such things. And if someone making the claim that they were raped by demons, the burden of proof is on them, not on me. Are you religious?"

"I practice Shinto, but it's not the same as what I think you mean when you say that. We're not like Christians; we're more like Buddhists with added beliefs about our ancestors and other spirits, called «kami», which also refers to the spark of divinity in a person."

I nodded, "I've read about Shinto and Buddhism," I replied. "My Hindu friend suggested I read about Eastern religions. What I really was asking was if you practiced your religion."

"I'm very good at it, so I don't need practice!" Keiko said mirthfully, causing the rest of us to laugh.

"Good one!" Kristy declared.

"Seriously, though," Keiko said, "it's what you would call 'cultural tradition' more than anything, at least as I see it. I honor the spirits of my ancestors with incense and that kind of thing, but there isn't an idea of 'sin' the way people in the West think of sin. It's an important part of being traditionally Japanese, which my grandfather is, and I feel it's important to be the dutiful granddaughter and honor his practices. My cousin Ailea, who'll be seven on Sunday, does the same thing, even though her dad isn't Japanese."

"Are both your parents of Japanese ancestry?"

"Yes. My Aunt Yukiko married a man of English descent with the surname Palmer. My mom was born in Japan and met my dad when they were both at UCLA, about twenty years ago. My grandfather keeps a very Japanese house, well, as much as can be done here in Chicago. Is me being Shinto a problem?"

"No," I replied. "I didn't mean to imply it was, but I've had a few negative interactions with Christians who were, in my view, fanatical."

"Who hasn't?" Keiko asked. "They think I'm a pagan! One girl told me I was going to burn in Hell for being Shinto."

"People need to get a grip!" Kristy declared. "An Evangelical, right?"

"Yes," Keiko replied. "They attend a church in the Western Suburbs."

"My grandparents are members of a church in that area, so it might be the same one. They kicked my mom out of the house when she got pregnant with me at sixteen."

"That is SO wrong!" Keiko declared. "My parents would not be happy, but mostly because it would interfere with my studies."

"My friend got pregnant and had a baby right after High School graduation, and her parents were pretty unhappy, but they didn't kick her out."

"I'm not sure my dad would be that tolerant," Kristy said. "Well, when I was in High School. Now, he's counting the days until he can have a grandkid."

"He can keep counting!" Jack declared. "I need to move up the ladder, and you need to get your law degree!"

"You two are engaged?" Keiko asked.

"More or less," Kristy said. "I'm planning on moving in with Jack once the semester is over."

"I'd almost classify that as 'not news'," I chuckled. "I mentioned to Bianca that was likely."

"I should have said something," Jack said. "But she just agreed yesterday."

"I wouldn't mind an invitation like that!" Keiko declared, squeezing my arm.

"I'll keep that in mind!" I replied with a smile. "Kristy, what did you plan if the movies are out?"

"Actually, IIT is showing The Blues Brothers and non-students can get in for a buck with ID from another school."

"Sounds good to me if Keiko is OK with it."

"Yes, that's fine," she agreed.

We had a great dinner, the movie was really good, and after it ended, I invited Keiko to come home with me, an offer she quickly accepted.

February 12, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"I very much enjoyed last night," Keiko said as I drove her back to Loyola early on Saturday morning. "Both before we went to your house and after!"

"I enjoyed it as well."

"Ask me out again, please."

"I will!"

At Loyola, she leaned over and gave me a nice kiss, and once she'd gone into the dorm, I drove to Lincoln Park so I could pick up Marcia for our getaway to Waukesha, Wisconsin.

"Come in for a bit," Marcia said when I rang the bell. "I need about five minutes to finish getting ready. I was interrupted by an important phone call."

"Everything OK?"

"Yes, just a friend from college who's in Colorado who needed advice. I've called her for advice as well."

I went into the townhouse and sat in the living room while she went upstairs.

"Hi," Jamee said, coming down the stairs in slacks and a nurse's smock.

"Hi," I replied.

"Sorry to be abrupt again, but I'm on my way out. My shift starts in twenty-five minutes, and I'm running late! Have fun this weekend."

"Thanks."

She left, and Marcia came down the stairs about three minutes later.

"Sorry," she said. "I'm all set."

We left the house and walked the three blocks to my car. Once we were settled, I started the car, pulled away from the curb, and headed for the expressway.

"You know," I said. "I never asked how much this will cost."

"Don't worry about it," Marcia said. "I invited you, and you aren't a troglodyte!"

"As far as you're aware!" I chuckled. "Maybe there's a cave under my house!"

"You have a fairly broad vocabulary for someone who didn't go to college."

"I think a good part of that can be chalked up to the Wall Street Journal. It's not written at a fifth-grade level the way the Trib is. When I first started reading the Journal, I had to look up some words in a dictionary because I had never heard them before. I mostly didn't read the newspaper growing up because it was money we couldn't afford to spend. The exception was the Sunday paper because there were always coupons that had more value than the cost of the newspaper."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, but your experience growing up is so totally foreign to me."

"Something I believe I pointed out not long after we met. I'd say my experience growing up was further from yours than yours was from Jeri's."

"You might be right about that," Marcia replied. "It's really mostly a matter of degree between us, such as where we went on vacation. Florida for us; Europe for them."

"Nowhere for me. I still haven't been anywhere except Ohio, Kentucky, Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin."