Chapter 60: Two Words Will Prove It

June 15, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"Something is bothering you," Bianca observed as we approached the house during our walk on Wednesday evening.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked.

"To me, anyway."

"Am I doing the right thing?"

"You mean getting engaged to Keiko?"

"No, I'm positive that is the right thing; I meant with continuing to sleep with girls besides you?"

"Is that something Keiko asked you to stop doing?"

"No. Well, not before we are formally engaged."

"And she's aware?"

"Yes."

"Then what's the problem?" Bianca asked as we continued past the house rather than turning onto the walk.

"Don't you think I committed to her by ordering the rings and saying I wanted to get engaged?"

"You obviously do, and your belief in strict monogamy is messing with your head and your heart. May I point out a clear contradiction?"

"That I've known Keiko is the right one for months and continued to fool around with other girls? The difference is, I expressed my feelings to Keiko, and she agreed."

"Don't you think she knew before? And she didn't object?"

"But was that because she's OK with it? Or was it because she felt it was the only way to achieve her goal? And now she expects me to stop, even though she's said it's OK?"

"¡Qué güey!" Bianca exclaimed mirthfully.

"You never use Spanish with me! What's that one?"

"More or less 'Dude!' or 'What a guy!' or something similar. Seriously, don't you think Keiko knows you pretty well?"

"Yes, of course."

"And that you pride yourself on speaking plainly and doing what you say you're going to do?"

"Yes."

"And she's just as direct as you are, right?"

"She is."

"Then don't you think she would assume you would take her at her word and not try to read extra meaning into what she said?"

"I just don't want to mess this up," I said with a sigh.

"As I don't have a dog in this hunt, given you aren't talking about not sleeping with me, all I can say is that if you feel guilty, don't do it."

"I don't think I feel guilty so much as concerned that I'm somehow taking advantage of her."

"Actually," Bianca replied, "quite the opposite! Had she not had her diagnosis, your timeframe was a year or two or about the time she was a Senior or even graduated. Moving it up is hardly taking advantage. Honest answer, please — did you change your behavior in any way that you might reasonably say is not in Keiko's best interest?"

"I don't think so," I replied.

"You refused Ellie's insane plan, and yes, it was insane. You also rejected Teri's advances, and you're ending things with everyone except Deanna and CeCi, right? Well, and me, but that's a different thing, as we've said. I guess what I'm saying is that so long as you aren't breaking your word to Keiko as she understands it, and she's fully aware of what's going on, I don't see how you're hurting her or taking advantage of her. But, all that said, in the end, it's up to you to do what you think is right and best for your relationship."

"Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

"About which thing? Monogamous marriage? Changing your timeline? Choosing to marry Keiko even though she might not be cured? Or having sex with anyone but her until the ring is actually on her finger?"

"Yes," I replied as we turned back towards home.

Bianca laughed, "Only you can answer those questions. What I think doesn't really matter because you have to do what you believe to be right. That said, I have not seen you be indecisive, nor have I seen you second guess yourself, except about your decision not to tell Bev about your plan to come to Chicago until after it was a fait accompli. Sure, you've hedged your bets at times, but hedging your bets is your job!

"That's what Teri has been, and to some extent, so was giving Violet a chance to have more counseling before making a decision. And it was working, but you felt, for whatever reason, that Keiko's diagnosis forced your hand. And I don't mean that in a negative way, only that it caused you to act sooner than you had intended, though I'm positive you were on the trajectory to marry Keiko almost from the first night you were with her."

"I understand I'm the only one who can answer, but I value your opinion and advice."

"You know my opinion and chose not to follow my advice. That's perfectly OK because, in the end, you have to do what makes you happy, not what makes me happy. Or Keiko. Or anyone else. That said, you found a solution that makes Keiko very happy and makes me content; well, more than that because we're going to have a baby together. The only negative for me is I don't get to sleep with you for the rest of my life. I think the only question is whether or not you're happy."

"Other than with Keiko's health, yes, I am."

"Then be the Jonathan I know and love, who always keeps his word. I don't think you can go wrong by doing that. Being with Deanna and CeCi doesn't violate your word, and being with me keeps it both to me and to Keiko."

I nodded in acknowledgment, and we walked the final block in silence as I contemplated what would be the right thing to do. I was positive that I'd communicated clearly with Keiko, and I believed she was being completely forthright, as she'd pointed out several times how we'd first been together. What I was intending to do wasn't wrong, but was it right?

That was an interesting thought because it posed the question of whether my utilitarian approach to life — wanting to maximize my happiness but not at the expense of others — was correct. If it was, then I felt I could basically 'keep on keeping on', as the saying went. If not, I had a significant challenge — deciding what standard to apply to determine the best course of action.

I followed no specific moral system, and my ethical system consisted of three basic principles — be honest, be direct, and keep your word. I could also add 'obey the law', but that wasn't so much a principle as a necessity and was also a direct result of the concept of maximizing happiness — time in prison would absolutely not make me happy, nor would losing my securities licenses.

One thing was certain, and that was that I was not going to accept any external moral system as a basis for making decisions about my life. Each and every one of them, religious or secular, right or left, seemed to be about control and imposing the will of the leadership on those who adhered to a specific ideology. I had personal experience with members of the Roman Catholic Church, had heard plenty about the 'Moral Majority', a label I found laughable on several counts, and knew enough about Communism to reject it out of hand.

All that analysis left me with the question — would what I was doing or wanted to do make me happy? If so, and it was not at the expense of others, there was no reason not to do it. I had been honest with Keiko, had her agreement, and wasn't taking advantage of Deanna, CeCi, or Bianca. Quite the contrary — they were all happy and had voiced no objections, though I knew Bianca and Deanna would prefer a different long-term arrangement.

I could do that, of course, but I was absolutely positive that the way to achieve maximum happiness was to marry Keiko and, nature willing, have kids and live together as husband and wife to see our grandkids and great-grandkids. If nature was not willing, then we'd have as much time together as Keiko's circumstance would allow.

"Did you decide what to do?" Bianca asked as I reached for the doorknob.

"Yes," I replied.

I opened the door, and we went in, noting Bianca rolling her eyes and shaking her head at my non-answer answer. The answer became obvious when I walked into the great room and asked CeCi to come upstairs with me.

"What can I do for you?" I asked CeCi once we were in my room with the door closed.

"I want you to fuck my brains out!" she exclaimed hungrily.

"I'll do my best!"

June 16, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

When my alarm rang on Thursday morning, CeCi went to her room to go back to sleep while I got up to get ready for work. Surprisingly, Deanna hadn't joined us when she'd come home from work, but that had been her choice. When I finished dressing, I went downstairs and had breakfast with Jack and Bianca, then the three of us headed out to my car for the drive to the Hancock Center.

It was a busy day at work, and I spent some time with Bianca, providing answers to questions as she revised and reworked the spreadsheets I'd created. We had lunch together in the park, and after lunch, I put in my request for my two-week leave, starting July 18th. About an hour after I'd turned in the form to Anna, Mr. Matheson called me in.

"Your time off is approved. I'll notify Compliance. Heading to Saint Martin?"

I shook my head, "No. Keiko is having her next round of chemo the week of July 18th. It's outpatient, and I want to spend the time with her. I'll request some time in Saint Martin next year."

"How is she doing?"

"Recovering from the first round of chemo. She'll come home a week from tomorrow, but everything depends on the results of the next round of chemo."

"Prognosis?"

"The doctor was reluctant to provide one because Keiko is in the middle ground where they can't predict one way or the other. It was about 50/50 before, and I'd say somewhat less now, but they aren't saying."

"I know you're a straight shooter, so I'll just say this — when they refuse to give you a prognosis, it usually means the worst."

I nodded, "I know. As her grandfather said, 'a small chance is not no chance', and I agree. All we can do is stay the course and see where it leads us."

"Bone marrow transplant?"

"That would be the next treatment if the chemo isn't successful."

"Noel Spurgeon knows some experts at Mayo," Mr. Matheson said. "His mom is a breast cancer survivor, and they sent her to Mayo."

"From the basic research I've done, Doctor Morrison is following the standard protocol, and Keiko isn't sick enough to qualify for experimental drugs, of which, at the moment, there aren't any, even if she did qualify. He offered us a consultation from another oncologist if we wanted, but both Keiko and I trust him, and as I said, my research shows, at least to someone with no medical training, that he's doing the right thing."

"Let me know if you want me to ask," he said. "Changing topics, how is Pérez doing?"

"She's making good progress, and she'll have the spreadsheets ready when Phil and his team set up the computers he's ordered on all the analyst desks. As for the new programs, that's a longer term project, and I have no way to independently gauge her progress. According to her, she'll have something rudimentary to show us by the middle of next month."

"OK. You know more about it than I do, and I think you know more about it than Phil because you understand trading in ways he never will. Just keep me posted."

"I'll add a section to my morning analyst report that tracks the status."

"Thanks. Go make me some money!"

I left his office, went back to my desk, and returned to my analysis of Soviet trade with the US and Europe, and wondered what a post-Soviet world might look like. The fear, of course, was that a post-Soviet world would be a nuclear holocaust, but I felt, in the end, cooler heads would prevail. I honestly didn't believe the Communist Party of the Soviet Union would destroy the world to prevent losing power, but that was possible.

I only spent an hour on that project, as currency exchange rates, interest rates, and actions of Central Banks were far more important to the FX desk in the short term than anything I might learn about the Soviet Union.

At the end of the day, Bianca and I left the office together and headed to the hospital to see Keiko, who had received a blood transfusion, likely her final one, before being released. She was in reasonably good spirits, though we both were aware of the proverbial sword hanging above her head.

"Still on track to come home in a week?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "As Doctor Morrison said, the hospital is no place for a sick person!"

"You've lost me."

"The chances of an opportunistic infection are higher here because I'm basically surrounded by sick people, and so many people come in and out of the hospital. Except for a completely sterile room where nobody ever entered, it's actually less risky to be in my room or in the house than it is to be here."

"That sounds weird," I replied, "but it does make sense. Are there any special precautions we need to take at home?"

"Doctor Morrison strongly suggested I wear a mask if anyone is in the room and use Lysol spray regularly to kill any germs. He also gave me a brochure for an air cleaner that uses ultraviolet light to kill germs in the air."

"If you give that to me, I'll buy two and have one in your room and one in the front room when you come home."

"It's on the table there. They aren't cheap, but he said they do work very well. They make units that work with forced hot air heat, but we have forced hot water, so that wouldn't apply."

"What about air conditioning?" I asked.

"The brochure has a unit that works with both heating and cooling."

"I'll look into that," I replied. "Anything we can do to keep you healthy."

"Jonathan, we should do a thorough top-to-bottom house cleaning," Bianca said. "If everyone pitches in, we can easily do it before next Friday. Basically, drown everything in Lysol."

I nodded my agreement.

"Anything else, Keiko?"

"Not until it's time for the next round of chemo. Doctor Morrison will go over the details for that during my checkup the Friday before. I scheduled it in the late afternoon so you could be there."

"I appreciate that. Has he said anything more?"

"No. Just that he's happy with my recovery from the chemo, though obviously, that's not the real concern."

"All we can do is take things one day at a time and one step at a time," I replied. "I see it as a positive sign because not recovering well from chemo would certainly be far worse."

"The power of positive thinking?" Bianca asked.

"It sure as heck beats focusing on the negatives, don't you think?" I asked.

"Absolutely," Bianca agreed. "Keiko, is there anything you need?"

"No, I have my books, I can take longer walks, and I have other visitors, too, including friends from High School I haven't seen since I started at Loyola."

We ended up spending about an hour with Keiko, and as I had the previous day, I scrubbed my face with the antibacterial soap so I could give her a quick kiss. Keiko smiled, Bianca touched her arm in lieu of a hug, and then Bianca and I left the room.

"Wasn't that risky?" she asked as we removed our masks in the hallway.

"It introduces a slightly higher risk, but Keiko deemed it was worth it, and I can't disagree. In her situation, I think I'd make the same choice. She's been in that bed or the chair in her room, except for walks and the bathroom, for nearly a month. She hasn't had a single hug the entire time. That little bit of intimate contact goes a long way to raise her spirits, and frankly, I'll take any little advantage we can find if it helps her recovery."

"As in, the love you express outweighs what you feel is a tiny risk of infection?"

"I've read, in several places, that the patient's mood and attitude have a major impact on healing and recovery, and it makes sense. Compare it to fighting versus surrendering. Maybe, and I obviously hope this isn't the case, there comes a time when fighting is no longer rational. Until then, you fight like hell using every weapon at your disposal. I might argue for pacifism with regard to international relations, but there is no negotiating with cancer."

"You are nothing if not consistent in your approach to life."

"I try my best, and that was a major part of the question I asked myself last night — was being consistent with my values the right approach, or should I reëvaluate my values. In the end, given what I believe, or perhaps don't believe, I don't think there is a better system than being honest, being direct, and keeping my word, with actions beyond those depending on whether they make me happy, though not at the expense of someone else."

"You're a good guy and a stalwart friend," Bianca said. "You seem to automatically create loyalty in everyone around you."

"It's reciprocal," I replied, "and it has to be. Why be loyal to someone who isn't loyal to you?"

"That's going to be what ultimately causes you to break with Spurgeon Capital — at some point, they'll betray your trust or behave in a way you find unethical. Well, beyond the bullshit with the female staff."

"Other people's consensual relationships are none of my business. You and Anna are showing that you can work there without agreeing to that particular condition of employment, which is actually an improvement over how things were when I started."

"Oh?"

"A secretary was fired because, as she told it, she wouldn't sleep with her boss. As far as I'm aware, that hasn't happened since, and, as I said, you and Anna show that at least that much has changed. Honestly, the bigger concern is the rumors about Noel Spurgeon and underage girls. To me, so long as everyone consents, I don't care. The government, on the other hand, does, and that could wreck the firm. Given his wealth, he could find all the seventeen-year-olds he wanted without risking arrest and prison. If the rumors are true, he's taking stupid chances, and he'll eventually be caught."

"That would be ugly. He is Spurgeon Capital."

"And no male heir. I seriously doubt he'd let the Pipsqueak take over."