Chapter 57: I Love You

June 11, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

I spent three hours with Keiko, during which she received a transfusion. When I left the hospital, I headed to Teri's house in Bridgeport, which was less than ten minutes from the hospital. Teri was ready to go, and we left the house right away to head to Maxim's for dinner, something we'd agreed on when we'd made our date.

As I drove, I contemplated what to say to Teri and decided that because there was, in effect, an end date when she went to UofI, I didn't need to say anything until I had all my ducks in a row and was ready to move forward with Keiko. The way things had developed, I was glad I hadn't done anything to move my relationship with Teri forward beyond a weekly date.

I knew it might appear I was hedging my bets, and I admitted to myself that I was, but it simply didn't make sense to close a door until it was strictly necessary. I knew the source of that thinking, and it was that Keiko might not be one of the fifty percent who made it, and that was enough to cause me to delay telling Teri. I wondered what she would think of that, but I had no intent of explaining it to her in detail and didn't feel I needed to, at least immediately.

"James Bond or Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd?" Teri asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"I'm OK with either Octopussy or Trading Places," I replied.

"Then it's Trading Places," Teri declared. "How is your friend with leukemia?"

"About as you would expect someone who had just undergone chemo to be. She's slowly recovering from the treatment, but it's a struggle."

"What are you doing now that class is out?"

"Nothing, at least with regard to school. I visit Keiko every day after work, but otherwise, I just use the extra time in the evenings to relax or hang out with friends."

"I want to ask you a question," Teri said, "and if it bothers you, just say so, and I'll drop it."

"OK," I replied. "Go ahead."

"Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure you can answer, given everything you've said, but here goes — what will it take to move things forward?"

I was tempted to defer the conversation, but decided it was better to have it, rather than have it appear I had been leading her on, instead of truly evaluating her as a suitable partner.

"I think the only answer I can give is 'time'," I replied. "To be completely honest, Keiko's situation has caused me to think about my relationship with her and where it might lead."

Teri frowned, "I know this is going to sound bad, but how can anyone compete with a girl with cancer? I'm not saying you're moved by pity, but even not wanting to hurt her puts anyone else at a serious disadvantage."

"I can't argue with what you just said," I replied. "I do like Keiko, and her illness has certainly caused me to think differently and, in some ways, has brought some clarity."

"I had thought the competition was Bev or Violet, but I was mistaken. I also made an error in judgment back in March."

"How so?" I asked.

"I should have gone to bed with you."

"You would have violated your personal rule?"

"In hindsight, it would have changed the character of the relationship and avoided the arguments, and, I think, been successful. Obviously, I'm just speculating, but I think doing that before your friend was diagnosed would have made a significant difference. But that ship sailed, so to speak, because at this point, it wouldn't change anything, would it?"

"I certainly couldn't promise that it would, even to the point of making it more likely we ended up as a couple. I really need more clarity about Keiko's situation before I decide anything."

"Strongly implying she's in what amounts to an unassailable position."

"That might be a bit too strong, but only a bit."

Teri sighed, "Which means we're just playing out the string, so to speak. That stinks because ... may I be blunt?"

"I am, so I certainly can't object to someone else being blunt."

"You are the only guy I've ever met who truly tempted me to go to bed with him before my wedding night. There's really something special about you, and I can't put my finger on it or describe it. It just feels right. It did back in March, but I stuck to my principle."

"Which is not a bad thing," I replied. "Despite meaning I missed out on something special."

"You feel it, too?" Teri asked, surprised.

"I told a close friend that there was something about you that I simply couldn't describe that made me want to see you again, and I mean beyond the gorgeous red hair, beautiful eyes, and nice body."

Teri laughed softly, "And for me beyond tall, dark, and handsome, with a big ... wallet!"

I laughed, "No comment."

"Silliness aside, now I'm convinced things would have been different if I'd made different choices."

"The thing is," I counseled, "we all have to be true to ourselves. You were being true to your principles, just as I was. Remember, I said I'd turn you down."

"Yes, but that was after we had the debate and after the ultimatum, which wasn't really an ultimatum. Answering 'put up' wouldn't have been acceptable to you at that point because it would have violated your principles, despite the fact that you're OK with casual sex. No judgment, just an observation."

"It's an interesting hypothetical," I replied, "but I don't know how to evaluate how something speculative would have turned out. It would be an alternate reality, kind of like science fiction stories where someone travels back in time and changes things. But we don't have a time machine to attempt a do-over."

"No, we don't," Teri agreed. "And that leaves me with a stark choice — I stop seeing you, or I go to bed with you and hope for the best. But I know your answer already. Despite your desire and interest, you won't risk hurting me, even if I were to say I didn't expect any specific result."

"Because," I replied carefully, "I think subconsciously you would expect that result, and you'd be hurt."

"And yet, ending things will hurt, too. I think you know that because I decided to keep seeing you even after the argument that led you to say, 'Put up or shut up'. I'm hurt either way."

"But with your principles honored," I replied.

"The thing is, if I'm going to feel hurt either way, why not choose the course of action that at least had a remote possibility of success?"

I nodded, "I see your point, but I'll point out that you have a third option — see how things develop in the next nine weeks."

"Which still likely ends the same way," Teri sighed.

"I freely admit that's true, but it does provide a path forward that doesn't involve violating a core principle and which leaves open all possibilities, no matter how remote. It's up to you, really."

"If it were up to me, I'd tell you to take me to your house and take me to bed, but it's not, so let's have dinner and see the movie and try to enjoy ourselves.

"Sounds good," I replied.

We had a nice dinner, then went to the theatre to see Trading Places which we both found hilarious, though I shook my head at some of the silliness about the portrayal of the commodities markets. Given it was played for comedic purposes, I felt it would be out of line to critique that part of an otherwise awesome movie.

"What did you think of Jamie Lee Curtis?" Teri asked when we left the theatre to walk to my car.

"I think I'm not nearly dumb enough to make ANY comparison to any individual I might happen to know!"

Teri laughed, "It's OK to say you liked what you saw!"

"She does have a nice body," I replied. "But you know that's only a tiny part of attraction, right? It's the first thing you see, but it's also the last thing you should be concerned about in a successful relationship."

"You really believe that?"

"Don't you? I mean, yes, of course, you need to be attracted to the person, but there's more than red hair, green eyes, and a nice body or tall, dark, and handsome."

"With a big ... wallet!" she smirked. "Speaking of which, that movie wasn't accurate, was it?"

"Not even close," I chuckled. "I mean, yes, it had a vague relationship to reality, but they played it for laughs, which is fine. If it had been put forward as a documentary or was meant to portray it as a serious plot point instead of a comedic one, I'd have said something. But I like to laugh as much as the next person, and I didn't feel the need to say anything about the license they took with commodities trading."

We reached the car, and I helped Teri in, then got into the driver's seat. Once I'd buckled in, I started the car and headed for Teri's house.

"I know your response to this, but I need to say it — you can take me home and take me to bed if you want."

"I do want," I replied. "But that doesn't mean I will. My question is if you want to see me next Saturday?"

"Well, if I say 'no', that's the end, so I pretty much have to say 'yes'. Thank you for not becoming upset with me again."

"Honest discussions are always welcome; the problem was when you were trying to score points or force things to go a certain way. Tonight, we had a very mature, very adult, very frank conversation. I very much want to go to bed with you, but until I can honestly say that there is a realistic chance we'd be a couple, I can't do it."

"As much as I hate the outcome, thank you for being honest. Same time next Saturday?"

"Yes."

June 12, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"Still can't get Teri into bed?" Bianca teased when she came downstairs on Sunday morning.

"I chose not to try, given where I am at this point. Speaking of that, I did speak to Keiko about our discussion, and once you have breakfast, we should speak privately."

"OK. Bubble bath?"

"I could see my way clear to do that," I replied.

I finished reading the paper while Bianca made her breakfast and ate it, then we went up to my bedroom. I started the bath, we undressed, and got into the tub with the rising water and bubbles, with Bianca reclining against me.

"Keiko was practical, as always," I said. "She drew a hard line at a future date when we took vows, but she's flexible about the timing before then. The bottom line is she won't stand in our way of having a baby together, even if she and I have decided to marry. It just has to happen before whatever ceremony we have occurs."

"So, no playing around, but you could have sex with me to make a baby, right?"

"Exactly," I confirmed. "I'm reasonably certain Keiko wouldn't want a ceremony before we could take a honeymoon, which means if I were to ask her now, we'd have about a year, if I understand Doctor Morrison correctly."

"She did mention she has multiple rounds of chemo upcoming, about four weeks apart," Bianca stated.

"And there's potentially a third phase as well."

"I want to ask you something, and I know you won't be offended — can you really go 'cold turkey' with regard to sex?"

"According to you, it could take a year or longer for you to get pregnant, so it wouldn't be unless we're a couple who happen to conceive easily. Keiko did point out that it wasn't license to screw at will, but within whatever parameters are consistent with the likelihood of conception."

"That's about ten days during the middle of the cycle," Bianca said. "Ten days in a row, twice per day."

"Which, if what you say about conception is accurate, she'll be OK with. The question is timing."

"When do you intend to propose?" Bianca asked.

"I expect it'll be by the end of the month," I replied.

"Much sooner than I expected," Bianca observed, "but not really surprising. As for you and me, this month is basically shot because my period is in a few days. That means I don't have to decide today if we should start trying. Do you have any idea how maternity leave would work at Spurgeon?"

"It's a firm run by guys for the benefit of guys, so you do the math."

"What's your take on daycare? You know I'm not interested in being a stay-at-home mom."

"I don't have a problem with daycare," I replied, "and we'll easily be able to afford it. Bev has Heather in the daycare where Violet used to work. With our incomes, we could also afford a full-time babysitter, though the challenge there is what happens if the babysitter is sick."

"I think formal daycare makes more sense, but I'm not sure how young they'll take them."

"I think the place Violet used to work will take them at eight months, but I'm not sure."

"What do you think about my grandmother?"

"I've never met her, obviously," I said, "but something else just dawned on me — we don't have a spare room at the moment, so what will we do about a nursery, or whatever you would call the baby's room. And have you discussed this with Juliette?"

"I haven't discussed it with her, which I need to do, but you are totally missing something about the rooms!"

I thought for a second, then started laughing.

"Keiko's room will be available because she'll move into the master bedroom with me," I said. "OK, so that's not a concern, then. What about Juliette?"

"I'll have to talk to her about it. Does anyone else know you're close to asking Keiko to marry you?"

"I've told Jack, and I believe he's told Kristy. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone else until I actually ask her."

"Then I'll pose the question to Juliette without revealing anything about that. Did you make any commitments to Keiko about what happens before?"

"No, because if I had, you and I wouldn't be in the tub together! She made it clear that what happens before we become a couple is up to me, and she's never tried to pull back on the reins and never acted jealous."

"She's not the jealous type," Bianca declared. "And if you think about the circumstances, she was the 'other woman' in your relationship with Ellie, such as it was. So if you didn't have freedom, she would never be in the position to win."

"I wasn't in a relationship with Ellie," I protested.

"Not exclusive, but she certainly was getting quite a bit of attention from you, and she showed serious interest in learning about the financial markets."

"I know she was interested, but we never did click the way I almost instantly clicked with Keiko, or you, for that matter. And I'm not sure Ellie would be happy in a monogamous situation."

"Your thinking about that confuses me, but you have to do what makes you happy. And I don't mean that in a self-interested way, just that your devotion to the concept of monogamous marriage doesn't fit your overall rejection of Judeo-Christian norms."

"It's something I can't explain. Trust me, I like the situation I'm in a lot, and I like the varied and interesting sex partners, but something just feels right about a traditional marriage."

"Speaking of that, I'm positive you'll hear from Esme because Katy is home, and Esme was clear the two of them wanted to see you again."

"She can ask," I replied. "But I really need to wind things down, and with Esme and Katy, it's just sex, and if I say 'no', there won't be any fallout. I have one promise I need to keep, but beyond that, I think it has to mostly end."

"You're probably right. So, that's it?"

"I think, and this is just off the top of my head, it means just the girls in the house. I had thought about calling Miranda and Kasey and asking them out so they didn't think I was upset with them, but the more I think about it, the less I think that's a good idea. I can ask CeCi to be my date on Friday because, as of Wednesday, she's one of the 'girls in the house'. I'd ask Deanna, but she works, and you hang out with your gang of friends, including Juliette. I'll see Teri on Saturday evenings, but that's not physical beyond a nice kiss goodnight, and Violet, which is limited to hugs and her kissing my cheek."

"How do you think Violet will react?"

"She'll be sad, but she's acknowledged her struggles, and while her counseling has helped with panic attacks, it hasn't cured her, if that's even the right word, of the emotional injuries her parents inflicted on her. It's a serious challenge to any physical relationship with her because the first time might well be the last time, and could end up with her under psychiatric care. There is literally no way to predict which way things will go or where they'll go in either the short term or the long term."

"You mean some kind of relapse?"

"Yes. I'm clearly not an expert, but I understand how she could, in effect, psych herself up to do it and appear fine but, down the road, suffer some kind of emotional breakdown. It's a truly frightening prospect for her and puts me in an impossible situation with her."

"Because, minus her psychological problems, she'd be the one, right?"

"I would never have become involved with Keiko, so probably, yes. But that's all speculation, and we can only guess at the outcome. The big inflection point, as Anala called it, so far in my life was not telling Bev I was planning to come to Chicago until it was a done deal. Had I told her, we'd most likely have come up with a solution, and she'd be here with me without having had Heather. And I wouldn't have met you, or Anala, or ... you get the point."