Chapter 44: A Deep, Vital Conversation

May 7, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

It took me a few seconds to recover from the surprise of Violet admitting she wanted to make love, though as I quickly thought, I shouldn't have been surprised given what had happened in the previous month.

"I won't ever do anything that would hurt you in any way," I said gently. "And we should talk about it before we even take a small step in that direction."

Violet sagged against me and began crying softly. I had no clue what to do and decided the best course of action was to comfort her but not allow things to progress in any way until we had a chance to discuss what she'd said. I wrapped my arms loosely around her and simply waited. She cried for a good five minutes, then finally sat up.

I reached over to the end table and grabbed a box of tissues so she could take some. She dabbed her eyes and blew her nose, then got up and took the tissues to the kitchen to throw them away. When she returned, she sat next to me but sagged into the cushions with her shoulder touching mine.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"You have nothing to apologize to me for," I said gently.

"I really want to, but when I think about it..." she stopped as tears once again streamed down her face.

I put my arm around her and put the box of tissues in her lap. She took a few and dabbed her face. She took three deep breaths and let them out before she spoke.

"When I think about it," she said quietly, "all I can see is my mom holding Rose while my dad has his face between Rose's legs and then seeing him move up and start doing it with Rose. That's when I screamed."

I tensed and did my best not to squeeze my arm, which was around Violet. Anger at her dad flashed through me, but anger at her mother drowned that out. How any woman could hold her daughter down while her husband raped that daughter just left me flabbergasted. And worse, she was out of prison. And I now understood completely why Nelson had suggested I not read the court transcripts. Violet had taken a big step, and I felt I should acknowledge that.

"Being able to talk to me about it is a big step," I said.

"I've only ever said what I said to you to the police detective and social worker after my parents were arrested."

"Not Doctor Lochner?"

"No. She knew from the reports, but I never said what I just said to you to her."

"How can I help you?" I asked.

"I don't know," Violet sighed. "I'm not sure anyone can help me."

"What about seeing a counselor?" I asked. "Maybe Nancy Jane Moore can recommend someone?"

"I don't know; maybe. It's just ... that would have been me."

"He's locked in prison for life," I said. "He can't hurt you."

And yet, the damage he'd done would likely never go away, and the fear that Violet was expressing might never dissipate. I was thankful she hadn't tried to force herself to do anything, as that would have very likely ended in complete disaster.

"Would you stay?" Violet asked. "You could sleep in the room Bev used."

That seemed like a reasonable request, and Violet and I had slept in adjoining rooms at the motel in Overland Park without incident. The only fly in the ointment was my dinner with my aunt and uncle, but that wasn't until later in the day.

"Yes," I replied. "I do have to leave mid-morning because I'm going to my uncle's house."

"That's OK. I just don't want to be alone right now."

We sat quietly on the couch for about an hour, with Violet leaning against me and my arm around her, with the radio playing in the background. That gave me plenty of time to think, but I couldn't see a way out for Violet unless she could somehow get past what had happened to her.

Eventually, Violet was ready to go up to bed, so we turned off the radio, turned out the lights, and went up the stairs. She showed me to the spare room, hugged me tightly, then went into her room. I went into the bathroom in the hall, emptied my bladder, used some mouthwash that was on the sink because I didn't have a toothbrush, then went back to the bedroom. I shut the door, stripped down to my briefs and T-shirt, and got into bed. It took a while before my mind was clear enough to fall asleep, but I eventually did.

May 8, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

I woke on Sunday morning and was relieved that Violet had not crept into bed with me, something I'd feared might happen. I considered my options and decided to simply get dressed. I did, then went down to the kitchen and made coffee with Violet's Mr. Coffee machine. Before it finished, Violet came downstairs, dressed for the day.

"Good morning," I said.

"I'm sorry about last night," Violet said.

I smiled, "There is literally nothing to apologize for."

"But I know you want to..." she said quietly.

"And you also know I would never do anything that would hurt you. Ever. One of the most important things a man can do is understand the difference between things he wants to do and things he should do. We can continue this conversation if you wish, or we can change the topic. And we should make breakfast either way."

"Waffles?"

"That's fine with me."

Violet got the ingredients from the fridge and pantry and began making batter. The coffee finished brewing, and I poured cups for each of us, then plugged in the waffle iron so it could preheat.

"I think we can talk about it," Violet said. "I'll try not to cry."

"Cry as much as you need to," I counseled. "Do you want me to explain?"

"Yes, please."

"And it's OK to just say what I think?"

"I want you to," Violet said. "Just be honest, please?"

"I will. Fundamentally, so long as you're frightened of physical intimacy, all we can ever be is friends. I think you understand why."

"Because you want kids, which requires being together that way."

"Yes. I mean, sure, it's possible to adopt, and I wouldn't turn down a girl who I felt was the right person to marry because she was infertile or there was some incompatibility that made conceiving difficult. But that's different from not ever being together as husband and wife."

Violet took a deep breath and let it out.

"I sometimes wonder if I should just do it to get it over with," she said.

If there was a bad reason for Violet to do it, that was certainly it. I totally understood the concept, but in Violet's case, it could be disastrous. With her, it wasn't the idea of following a Prom tradition or deciding to do it to find out what it was all about or letting hormones override rational thought. With Violet, I feared that her emotional state was such that having sex might leave her in a condition similar to her sister's.

"I don't believe that's wise," I said. "That could have devastating consequences if you weren't emotionally ready."

"Now you sound like Doctor Lochner."

"Maybe," I replied. "But remember, my disagreement with her was about all other aspects of your life and, more specifically, about her insistence that the only thing I wanted was to have sex with you. And while I have come to the opinion that it might be possible, that's overridden by my absolute conviction to never, ever hurt you. The other difference between Doctor Lochner and me is that I believe it might be possible for you to overcome the mental and emotional trauma while she resolutely rejected that as a possibility, despite using words that implied she felt it was possible."

"You think she lied?"

"I think she used language in a way that she intended to convey something different from what she believed for the purpose of staying out of trouble. I don't know how medical licenses work, but I had the feeling she was prevaricating to prevent trouble with her license."

"What's that word?"

"Prevaricating? It means being evasive or hedging. So she said it was 'possible' while believing it was so improbable that it would never happen. It's a language nuance — it's possible that I'll sprout wings and fly to England, but it's not probable. I can, without crossing my fingers, say that it's possible while not believing it would ever happen."

"Word games, right?" Violet asked as she put batter on the waffle iron.

"Yes. Is it OK to keep going?"

"Yes."

"Think back fifteen months about how you reacted to the implications of my putting your gum in my mouth. You covered it up pretty well, but you had a minor panic attack, right?"

"Yes."

"And that was just thinking about a French kiss. I know you're working with Nancy Jane Moore on your panic attacks, and that appears to have made it so that physical contact in terms of tighter hugs, or touching shoulders, or even sitting on my lap doesn't cause a panic attack. When you revealed what you see in your mind, that concerned me because those are normal things lovers do."

Violet laughed softly, "I did go to High School, so I do know about it! Mostly, it was the other way around that was talked about. It's only when I think about doing things myself that I get scared. Would you hug me, please?"

I nodded, held out my arms and for the first time, Violet melted against me, then put her head on my chest and sighed deeply.

"I feel so safe," she said. "But scared, too, if that makes sense."

"It does," I replied.

Violet was, as I saw it, working her way up to kissing me, and that would create a significant dilemma, as once she had done that, I wouldn't feel right being with any other girl until Violet expressly stated she couldn't go further, something I wouldn't expect her to say, given her obvious desire. She wanted to be a girlfriend, then a wife and mother, but her traumatic experience at the hands of her evil parents was an obstacle she might never overcome, no matter how much she desired it.

Weirdly, I believed that a kiss from Violet would be a commitment in ways that having sex with just about any other girl was not. To me, once I started down that path, I would have to follow it to its conclusion, no matter where it led. Not doing so might well destroy all the progress Violet had made. That made a first kiss momentous act and implied a commitment. Even stranger, despite my unwillingness to make a lifetime commitment to Teri or Clara or Keiko or Huifen, I was willing to do that for Violet, if it were possible for her to get past the trauma.

"The waffle is ready," Violet said about two minutes later.

She broke the hug to take the waffle from the iron, and after she put more batter on the iron, we sat down at the dinette table to share the first waffle. We each took a half, slathered it with butter, and then poured on maple syrup and began to eat.

"Can I ask you something?" she inquired.

"Of course."

"What would I have to do to be your girlfriend?"

"Honestly? I don't know that I can answer that question easily."

"If it's 'go to bed together,' you can just say it, so I know."

"It's more complicated than that," I replied. "First, that's not necessary before a hypothetical wedding night..."

"I don't think that matters," she said, interrupting. "I know people do it before, and some do it just for fun. I wouldn't need to wait for that. Sorry I interrupted."

"Actually, I'm glad you did because, with you, it could never be 'just for fun'. It would mean something to me in a way that it's never meant to me before. And that's where it becomes complicated because I have this feeling that I can't explain that a real kiss would mean the same thing. For whatever reason, I could never casually kiss you, let alone do anything else."

"Because of the implication?" Violet asked. "I mean, where the kiss leads? Which is what caused me to have a mild panic attack that night in class when you chewed my gum."

"Maybe," I replied. "I think it would be a commitment to be with you, and only you, until you say it can't go any further."

"And you're afraid that it could never get to the point of going to bed together?"

"I think so," I replied. "But my thinking is muddled."

"Which is strange because you usually think very clearly."

"Honestly, what your parents did is affecting me, too. Not in the same way, obviously, but it makes me much more cautious and protective. And the entire situation has muddled my thinking."

"That makes sense, I think," Violet allowed. "And explains why you could with Bev or Lily."

"I usually don't go into details, but I think both of them would forgive me. With Bev, she was 'the one', and we messed it up by having sex without truly understanding our relationship. We both made so many errors because we were so naturally a couple that nothing was ever said. Our first kiss was on Bev's sixteenth birthday, and five minutes later, neither of us was a virgin."

Violet laughed softly, "Uhm, wow!"

"Yeah. With Lily, it started out as boyfriend and girlfriend, but it was her first serious relationship, and my first serious acknowledged relationship. I still didn't understand what had happened with Bev at that time. Lily called me a 'starter boyfriend' and we kind of forged a path neither of us had trod. We encountered problems, broke up, then began seeing each other occasionally. Other than Bev, Lily is the only girl I've ever dated exclusively, and what Bev and I had wasn't really dating, at least as we saw it at the time.

"I still saw it that way when I asked Lily to go steady with me. I learned a lot in that relationship, and I've done my best to avoid making the same mistakes. I dated one other girl seriously, though not exclusively, and that fell apart as well, mainly from my inability or unwillingness to commit, which I think was related to the situation with Bev growing up. I've more or less worked through the situation with Bev, and hopefully, I've learned from those mistakes and the ones I made with Lily."

"I know you and Lily still go to bed together," Violet said.

"Actually, she's going to start dating a guy named Jim, and they're going to be a couple, so that's no longer true about Lily and me."

"And you're OK with that?"

"It's what Lily thinks is best for her, so yes, of course. I let her know she should bring him to the Memorial Day cookout we're having at the house. Other girls I've dated since I came to Chicago will be there with boyfriends, too. And, of course, you're invited, as are Bev and Heather."

Violet got up to get the second waffle, which we also split between us.

"What do you think we should do?" Violet asked.

"Heck if I know," I replied. "Let's finish eating so I have a bit of time to think."

"OK."

We ate, did the dishes, and then went to the living room and sat on the couch, which had given me nearly twenty minutes to think things through.

"I think, for now, that hugs, cuddling, or you sitting on my lap are OK, but anything more really has to wait until you believe you can commit to eventually going to bed together. And I don't mean possibly, I mean commit, even if it's some time down the road and we take a long time to get here."

Violet was quiet for about thirty seconds before she answered.

"That makes sense, I think," she said.

"And that first kiss has to be mutually agreed," I replied. "Please don't just kiss me on the lips without asking first, OK?"

"OK. I wouldn't want you to do that without asking. Can I sit in your lap for a bit before you leave?"

"Yes, of course."

Violet climbed into my lap, drew up her legs, and snuggled close. I put my arms loosely around her and held her for about ten minutes before she moved next to me.

"I know you have to go," she said. "Dinner tomorrow, as usual, right?"

"Yes."

We got up from the couch, she walked me to the door, we exchanged a tight hug, she kissed my cheek, and I headed to my car for the drive home. As I drove, I contemplated what had happened, the potential for a massive upheaval in my life, and how I'd handle a request from Violet to kiss her. I'd set the parameters for an intimate relationship, but I had no way of judging if Violet could say with any certainty that she was able to eventually consummate. I would have to, as was said, take a leap of faith.

When I arrived home, Deanna was working in her studio, which doubled as her bedroom, Shelly was out with Perry, Kristy and Jack were out, Keiko had not returned, and Bianca was doing homework in the front room. She greeted me and, unsurprisingly, followed me up to my bedroom.

"The entire game appears to have changed," Bianca said, stopping at the door to the bedroom.

"Come in," I said. "I'm going to shower, but we can talk."

"Uh-oh," Bianca said, coming into my room and closing the door.

"First," I said, as I began undressing, "what you suspect might have happened most decidedly did not happen. Violet slept in her room, and I slept in a guest room, and that is not an attempt to misdirect you."

Bianca laughed, "Because sleeping in separate rooms would not rule out having had sex, or making out, or whatever."

"Correct. On the other hand, we had a very deep, vital conversation and, at least so far as we could at this stage, got it all out on the table. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels, and I know what she wants. The problem is the mental and emotional trauma from her past might never allow her to get to that point. And, fundamentally, from my perspective, unless she can say unequivocally that she'll eventually be able to consummate a relationship, we can't even share a romantic kiss. And the reason for that is that a kiss with Violet would mean we were a couple."

"OK, now that's strange in general but beyond weird for you! You've had sex with a bunch of virgins and NEVER felt it was any kind of commitment. But a kiss with Violet would mean every other girl was off limits?"

"As odd as that sounds, I don't see how it could be any other way. Kissing Violet would mean I was committed to following the path to its conclusion, either with her saying she couldn't, or making love with all that phrase entails."