Chapter 36: Out in the Open

April 9, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"What did you think?" Violet asked when we left Nancy's office about twenty minutes later after Violet had spoken privately with her again.

"I think she's much better than Doctor Lochner," I replied. "I think she's what you need at this point."

"What did she talk to you about, if it's OK to ask?"

"Of course, it's OK to ask! I was there for you! Mainly, we talked about our relationship and the success you've had recently. We also spoke a bit about Bev, and Nancy asked me some questions about me. It was very different from speaking to Doctor Lochner."

"Did you like her?"

"Yes. And I think she has your best interest at heart. What did you want to do about lunch?"

"Our usual place?" Violet asked. "I think I have withdrawal, not being there since Monday!"

I laughed, then said, "That's fine."

"What about Bev?"

"It's up to you," I said. "You and I agreed to have lunch together. Bev needs our help, but I don't want her to interfere with our friendship."

"Just you and me, if that's OK," Violet requested.

"Of course it is!"

We went to the diner by Circle and had lunch together, then walked back to her house. I checked on Bev, then, in a turnabout of normal, Violet walked me to my car. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then I got in, waved, and headed for home.

Only Deanna and Keiko were home, and Deanna was painting in her combination bedroom/studio while Keiko was doing homework in the front room. Rather than disturb them further, I picked up the morning Chicago Tribune and the weekend edition of the Wall Street Journal and sat down on the couch in the great room to read.

About an hour later, Keiko came into the great room.

"I've finished my homework," she said.

"What would you like to do today?" I asked.

"Would you like to see Poltergeist? It's showing at the theatre in Downers Grove that shows second-run movies."

"Sure."

"There's an inexpensive but authentic Italian place not too far from the theatre."

"Sounds good to me."

I enjoyed the movie and the meal, and Keiko spent the night with me.

April 10, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

On Sunday, Keiko and I slept in, had a late breakfast, and hung out with our housemates until 1:30pm, when I left to meet Teri at the diner in Bridgeport.

"Hi, Jonathan," Candace said when I walked in.

"Hi. I'll want a booth for two, please, though I'll wait here for my date."

"How is your supervisor's job?"

"I'm actually an analyst now."

"I've never heard of anyone moving up that fast! That's seriously impressive!"

"Thanks. Wasn't your hair black last time?"

It was now bleached blonde.

"I like to change it up. Want to see the natural color?"

I chuckled, "My date will be here shortly."

Teri walked in then, and Candace seated us in a booth. We both ordered coffee but nothing to eat.

"How's your friend?" Teri asked.

"She's doing OK," I replied.

"She?"

"I'm sure I said it was a 'her' when we spoke on the phone. It's the girl I was best friends with growing up. She got pregnant after I moved to Chicago and had some problems at home."

"Her parents kicked her out?" Teri asked.

"No. It's complicated, and I can't really violate her privacy."

"I can respect that. While I obviously don't know the details, don't you think that confirms my point about pre-marital sex?"

"It is certainly a risk," I replied. "Not to get into a lengthy debate, but the risk is small with appropriate birth control. But that's my perspective, and I'm a guy."

"Whose priority is bedding as many girls as possible?"

"That is not my priority, and you know I don't accept externally imposed moral standards for consensual behavior where nobody is breaking the law nor being harmed."

Teri smirked, "Well, then you should stop having sex because pre-marital and extra-marital sex are illegal in Illinois!"

"A friend mentioned that but also pointed out that the laws are not enforced and, if I understand what the Supreme Court has said about birth control, unenforceable. I did check into it, and the law requires it to be 'open and notorious', which means it's public knowledge. So, while you're technically correct, I'd say those laws are basically dead letters."

"And yet..." Teri replied.

"Why are we having this debate?" I asked. "Honestly, you know my position and I know yours, and neither of us is willing to compromise enough to, in effect, meet in the middle."

"You don't see any possible way forward?" she asked.

"Propose one you think would work," I challenged.

"What if I agreed to go to bed with you?"

"You asked that before, though I have had some time to think about it since then. My first reaction would be to say you aren't asking a serious question, given everything you've said. But if we assume it is a serious question, and at the risk of giving offense at the use of the concept, the price you would extract is too high. It would, as I see it, be a commitment to marry you, and relatively soon. I am not ready to make that commitment to anyone. Even if I was, I'd have to ask how you're so sure I'm the right guy?"

"Intelligent, nice, successful, and good-looking is basically the sweet spot."

"I'd say common interests, a common worldview, and common goals are necessary as well."

"Two of those aren't a concern, at least as far as I understand you. We both want to marry, have kids, and basically live the typical middle-class American life, though having more money would be a major plus."

"The disparate worldviews are the sticking point," I replied. "I don't think there's a need to belabor the topic because we've beaten it to death. Let me ask you a practical question — you plan to attend UofI in the Fall. How would that work in your hypothetical future where we married?"

"I'd change my plans so I could stay in Chicago. Obviously, there are other schools I could attend, even if I had to take a gap year."

"What about your brother? You guys do everything together."

Teri laughed, "Yes, but do you see him on our dates? And I'm absolutely not bringing him on my honeymoon!"

"Good to know," I chuckled. "But on a serious note, there is still the obstacle of my readiness for a lifetime commitment."

"I was under the impression that was malleable."

"It is, in the sense that I don't have a specific date in mind, only a general idea."

"And the difference between now and then?" Teri asked. "I mean, you own a house and have a good job where you make quite a bit of money, so what would change?"

"I'd be older and have more life experience," I said.

"Translation — time to bed as many girls as possible before you're tied down."

"I can understand why you'd see it that way, but it's really about knowing myself and ensuring a potential partner and I are compatible."

"Translation — she's good in bed."

"Why do you always think it's about sex?" I asked.

"Because you do!"

"You're the one who raised the topic today," I countered. "In fact, I'd say you are fixated on sex, not me. You've made sex the impediment in every scenario you feel is acceptable. In other words, you demand I stop having sex with anyone, and you won't go to bed with me until our wedding night. Your solution to my concern about an extended period of abstinence on my part is marriage in June or July. At this point, we're just going around in circles. If this were a year or two from now, and we knew each other better, I'd give serious consideration to marriage. But two months from now? That's too soon for a number of reasons."

"I'll counter by saying that it's your desire to have sex that forces the issue."

"And round and round we go!" I said, voicing my exasperation.

"So that's it?" Teri asked.

"There is a way forward," I said. "We date, platonically, and see what happens."

"So you can have your cake and eat it, too?" Teri asked.

"May I point out that you're pursuing me? You asked me to have coffee today and made it clear you're still interested. I'm interested enough to keep seeing you, and I accept your decision not to have sex before your wedding night. Fundamentally, the ball is in your court. What do you want to do?"

Teri was quiet for a good five minutes, and Candace refilled our coffee cups during the lengthy silence.

"Ask me out," she said.

"Next Saturday?"

"Pick me up at 5:00pm?"

"Yes. Dinner and a movie, assuming something we want to see is playing?"

"It's a date."

We finished our coffee, I paid Candace, left a generous tip as we'd only had coffee, and then we left the diner. I walked Teri to her car, and once she'd driven away, I headed home.

April 13, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

On Wednesday morning, I scanned the front page of the Tribune to see that Congressman Washington had won the mayoral election, though it had been very close; too close, in fact. The only reason it was that close was that Bernard Epton had run a blatantly racist campaign with the slogan Epton for Mayor: Before It's Too Late. Epton had taken 48% of the vote, unheard of for a Republican. On the way to work, we heard that Ed Vrdolyak and Ed Burke were going to block Washington's agenda in the City Council.

Shortly after 9:00am, Johan Maus from Nexis arrived with a technician to install the service on my IBM PC/XT. It took the technician an hour to install the software and configure it and for me to run several test searches and ensure I could read the published content. The only downside I could see was that the Wall Street Journal wasn't available, as that belonged to Dow Jones, the competing service.

The rest of the morning was typical, and the Nexis system, combined with Bloomberg, allowed me to be more thorough in my research. At noon, I went to work out in the gym but didn't wait for Anna, as she was basically giving me a cold shoulder. At the end of the day, I headed to Violet's house to have dinner with her, Bev, and Heather.

"How was your support group yesterday?" I asked Bev when we sat down to eat.

"It was OK. I'm going to meet with the woman who facilitates it tomorrow for a one-on-one session."

"That's good. What do you do during the day?"

"Care for Heather, of course, including making a pediatrician appointment for her for early June when she turns one."

"That's good."

"Also, I called the Secretary of State, and I need something that has your address on it."

"I'll have Mr. Chojnicki send you a letter there. Will that suffice?"

"Yes. They said I simply need a piece of mail."

"And how are you doing?"

"I can't say I'm good, but I feel better."

"Good. Focus on taking care of Heather and yourself."

"I should have listened to you back in January."

"Water under the bridge," I said. "Focus on the future, not on the past."

"How do you do that so easily?" Bev asked. "You've always looked forward."

"Because we can't change the past, only learn from it. Dwelling on it does no good."

We finished our meal, and Bev fed Heather while Violet and I cleaned up, then left for class.

"She seems to be doing OK," I said.

"I think so," Violet replied. "I just..."

"What?" I asked after a few seconds of silence.

"Please don't be upset, but I miss dinner being just you and me."

"Why would you telling me that you feel that way upset me?" I asked.

"Because you and Bev..."

Once again, she let the words hang, so after a few seconds, I responded.

"Are friends," I said. "Nothing more. And you telling me how you feel is a good thing; a very good thing. Are you regretting offering to allow her to move in?"

"No way! I was just saying things changed because she's there."

"I don't know if this is a consolation, but we do have our date for the Hawks game on Friday."

"Date?"

"Sorry, that word just kind of slipped out. Fridays are my usual date night when I double with Kristy and Jack, though this week you and I are going to the Hawks game. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"You didn't. I was just surprised because you've never used that word before. Do you want to go on a date with me?"

"May I say something that might ... no, you know what? I'm going to treat you the way I would anyone else. You and I have been dating, at least from the perspective of outsiders, for over a year. We didn't call it that, obviously, but it's more than just friendship."

"But..." Violet began, then stopped. "You're comparing it to you and Bev, where you didn't acknowledge your relationship, aren't you?"

I nodded, "The situations aren't identical, but I think we just both acknowledged something that's true. And having it out in the open is a good thing. I'll also point out that if I'd said that even a month ago, you'd have become agitated and nervous."

Violet took a deep breath, then let it out.

"I love you," she said quietly, "but I don't know if I can ever..."

"I love you, too," I replied. "And that doesn't depend on anything other than you being a close, intimate friend."

"You want to, right?" she asked. "With me?"

She had asked that question before, tentatively, but this time, her voice didn't quiver. I'd prevaricated when she'd asked it, but the events of the last week made it clear to me that Violet deserved a straightforward, clear, honest answer.

"When you asked that question before, I hedged because I was concerned about how you would react. I don't have that same concern now, so I'll give you a straight answer — yes, I do. I'm attracted to you, and under just about any other circumstance, I believed we'd be boyfriend and girlfriend, and I'd be very happy."

"You'd give up Bev?" Violet asked.

"There is nothing to give up," I replied. "In the same way, I promised you that I'll always be there for you, I'll always be there for Bev. May I be completely honest and have you keep what I say between us?"

"Yes, of course!" Violet declared.

"I am in no way minimizing my own failings, but when Bev left home and didn't come here, despite my offering, several times, and then disappeared from St. Louis without a word, that changed things, probably irrevocably. What you don't know is that I directly offered marriage or her moving in with me three times, and three times she turned me down flat, and one other time her answer was 'give me some time'.

"After what happened last week, where she didn't get in touch with me despite needing help, well, the relationship, such as it was, is sundered. That's not to say I won't be her friend, even a very close friend, but at this point, I honestly don't think there's much chance for us to be together as a couple. Could it happen? Sure. Is it likely to happen? No."

"And Lily?" Violet asked.

"Lily and I are both dating. She's seeing other guys, and I'm seeing other girls. Neither of us is ready to make a commitment."

"But you would with me?"

"I already have," I replied. "A lifetime one. It's just not exclusive because of, and I'm simply going to state it clearly, the emotional and psychological abuse you suffered. I don't blame you, and I don't regret one moment of our time together. I'm just being cognizant of your situation."

"No regrets at all?"

"None."

"Not even the chewing gum?" she asked with a slight smile.

I chuckled, "No, because I have a feeling that had I not done that, we'd probably not be where we are now. It was what led you to open up about what had happened."

"I want to be with you that way," Violet said quietly. "I just don't think I can."

"I understand completely, even if I don't understand completely; if that makes sense."

"You mean because you can't put yourself in my shoes?"

"I don't think my size eleven feet will fit into your size six shoes!"

Violet laughed, which was what I'd intended.

"That's not what I meant, you goofball!" she said as we reached the building where she had her class.

"I know that! But to answer your question, yes. I can't even begin to understand how you feel. I'm sorry, but we'll need to continue this after class, if you want."

Violet nodded, gave me a quick hug, went into the building and I continued on to the building where my math class was held. I was happy that I'd finally had the talk with Violet that Shelly and Bianca had both encouraged, though it was only the start, and I had no idea where it might lead.

After class, Violet and I had coffee and pie at the diner but didn't pick up the conversation. That was OK, but I needed time to think about it, as I was sure she did. After I walked her home, I got into my car to drive to Rogers Park.

As was the new normal, I changed clothes, then joined my housemates to watch the 10:00pm news, where the rumblings from the white aldermen were now stated more clearly, and I was positive Chicago politics were going to be very interesting in the coming months.

At 10:30pm, after the news, I asked Bianca if we could chat briefly before bed. We left the great room where we had the TV and went to the front room.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Violet and I had a very open and frank conversation. She said she loves me, and I said it back to her, though I'm not sure it will lead to anything. I did admit to her that we'd been dating, even if we hadn't called it that. In a sense, it's similar to the way I refused to acknowledge the character of my relationship with Bev."

"How did Violet react?"

"She acknowledged what I was saying and asked if I wanted to go to bed with her."

"Whoa!" Bianca gasped.

"Not as an invitation," I replied. "But as a question of what I wanted. She'd asked before, tentatively, and I gave her a wishy-washy answer. This time, I simply said that I did."

"And?"

"She said she wanted to, which didn't surprise me, but also said she wasn't sure she could ever do it, which also didn't surprise me. She asked about Bev and me, and I told her the truth — that the way Bev has behaved recently makes it extremely unlikely I'd be with her."

"Bev is dealing with psychological trauma as well, even if it's not as bad as Violet's."

"True, but Violet sought me out and asked for help, even though she didn't really know me. Bev, on the other hand, ran away twice, not to mention rejecting all of my overtures."

"You don't think she was just embarrassed because your mom's boyfriend is Heather's dad?"

"With everyone else on the planet? Sure. With me? That makes no sense. She's been behaving irrationally since, well, I suspect since her affair with Glen, and maybe that was irrational as well. Violet, on the other hand, has been behaving rationally and consistently for as long as I've known her."

"Now what?"

"I wait and see. I'm in no rush to commit to anyone, so it's not as if there's a timeline. After today's conversation, I'm convinced that Violet will be able to answer the question about physical intimacy honestly when the time comes for me to decide."

"So she wins if she can?"

"You said that was obvious a year ago!"

"How is she going to react to you going to Saint Martin with Anna?"