Chapter 27: What Do You Owe Her?

March 19, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

On Saturday morning, Bianca, Shelly, and I left the house just before 10:00am to do the grocery shopping and go to the dry cleaner.

"How was your date?" I asked.

"It was fine, Dad!" Shelly replied with a silly smile.

"Are you seeing him again?"

"On Friday when we'll find out where he Matched. He finds out Tuesday if he Matched but he thinks that's a lock. It's just a question of which hospital."

"I find it crazy that you could go to medical school for four years, graduate, pass your exam, and still not be a doctor."

"The same is true for lawyers," Shelly replied. "You can go to law school, graduate, and not be admitted to the Bar."

"Oh, I know," I replied. "I just find it mind-boggling how much time and money you can spend and not succeed."

"Were all his choices in Chicago?" Bianca asked.

"No. His third choice was in Milwaukee, and his fourth was in Indianapolis. He'll almost certainly get a Chicago hospital or one of those two, but his backup picks are St. Louis and Madison."

"How does that work?" I asked.

"He interviews at the hospitals, then lists them in his preferred order. Then the hospitals list their preferred candidates, and a computer matches them so that it's not possible for there to be a better match for anyone."

"It's the 'stable marriage problem'," Bianca said. "We had to write a program to do that earlier this year. It's a well-known computer programming challenge similar to the traveling salesman problem, which is about shortest paths."

"I'll take your word for it!" I chuckled.

"Just give me a few years, and we can design a computer program that can analyze stock trades for you."

"I'll take any legal advantage I can get!"

After our errands, we had lunch, and I placed a call to the McGills in St. Louis.

"Hi Tammy, it's Jonathan Kane in Chicago. I was wondering if you've heard from Bev?"

"No. We were hoping you had. We're worried."

"Me, too. Did she leave any clues?"

"No. She simply packed up and left. There wasn't even a wadded-up tissue in her trashcan."

"If you hear from her at all, would you please call? I'll do the same."

"Yes, of course. I'll let my parents know, too."

"Thanks."

We said 'goodbye', and after I ended the call, I dialed my mom's number for our weekly call. Not much had changed in Ohio, though she'd had coffee with Glen again. When we finished our call, I showered, dressed, and headed to pick up Anna for our date.

"No passport as yet?" she asked when she invited me into her townhouse.

"No. But it should be sometime in the next week if the estimate from the passport office was correct. Did you have a preferred time to take your vacation?"

"Not particularly, no."

"Let me see what dates are available between July 15th and August 15th," I suggested.

"Great! What are we doing today?"

"Other than dinner, I didn't have a plan."

"Do you ice skate?"

"No. I never learned."

"And you don't ski, either?"

"No. The only sports I've ever played were in gym class — kickball, dodgeball, basketball, flag football, and softball. I can ride a bike, as well."

"Not football? What you call soccer?"

"That was a girls' sport," I replied. "The school had a girls' soccer team, and girls played soccer in gym class when boys played flag football."

"You should learn to ski, at least. Winter holidays in the Alps are wonderful. We used to go every year during «sportlov», which is a special week off school for Winter sports. I met many wonderful people in Austria and Switzerland."

"You traveled quite a bit, obviously."

"Yes. Usually two times a year — once during «sportlov» and then during the usual holiday period in July when almost everyone is on holiday."

"The whole country?"

"Yes. Except for some essential services, many businesses simply close during July or have significantly reduced staff. Those who work in July have either June or August off. We have at least twenty-five days off work, and twenty of those are taken in consecutive weeks. Many people take the other five days during February «sportlov», especially if they have children in school."

"That must have been a big change coming here where two weeks is typical except for senior executives."

"Well, I was in school, so I had the entire Summer free to be with my friends. Most Summers, we went to our cottage about a hundred kilometers north of Gothenburg."

"Your dad was a high-level executive?"

"No, he's a manager at Volvo. But it's common for what you would call the middle class to have a Summer cottage."

"I'm missing why you would come to the US."

"There are far more opportunities here because the country is so big, and there are so many different people. In Sweden, nearly everyone is Swedish by heritage and it's not very diverse. Taxes are very high to pay for all of those things you hear about that are free — school, all the way through post-graduate work, medical care, and so on. Of course, they aren't actually free, as taxes can be more than fifty percent, and if you're very successful, over 80%."

"Wow."

"I also like Americans, who are much more friendly and outgoing than Swedes."

"Sorry to interrupt, but back to what we're doing. Where would you like to eat?"

"How about Chinatown?"

"The Golden Bull is a great place," I said.

"Perfect!"

About twenty minutes later, we were seated at the restaurant.

"Have you heard from your friend?"

I shook my head, "No. I called the family she had been staying with earlier, and they hadn't heard anything. I don't want to give up on her, but I'm at a loss as to what to do next."

"I think all you can do is wait and hope she gets in contact with you."

"I guess I just don't understand why she'd disappear and not even let me know she's OK. We were so close growing up."

"I had a male friend like that from the time I was little, and everything was fine until we were in ninth grade, the last year before «gymnasiet», which is our High School. At a class party near the end of the school year, we had sex, and by the end of the Summer, we were no longer speaking."

"What happened?"

"It was impossible to go back to simply being friends after we'd done that. It changed things between us in ways I still don't understand. I believe you and I could be friends and colleagues if we stopped seeing each other, but for some reason, Anders and I could not."

"You were, what? Fifteen?"

"Yes. That's legal in Sweden."

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to say you were too young, just trying to understand the situation better. I was seventeen, and Bev was sixteen, which is legal in Ohio, but otherwise, very similar to you and Anders, though Bev and I were still friends after we stopped seeing each other."

"Were you, really? From what you said, you didn't even speak to her until you heard she was pregnant by another guy, and then you basically started up with her again as a girlfriend, even if you didn't call it that. And you treated her like a girlfriend, at least in the Swedish sense, even after she had her baby. Then, for her own reasons, which you may know but haven't revealed, she chose to break things off with you."

"That is one way to look at it," I replied. "Another is based on information I haven't shared because I don't feel I can, which explains, at least somewhat, why she left home and then why she disappeared."

"Ask yourself this question, Jonathan — if you know her secret, whatever it is, why would she not come to Chicago and live with you? You certainly would have accepted her, right?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Then I honestly do not see how you can not see that she chose to end the relationship."

Anna had a point, and it was something that Anala had hinted at and Bianca had implied.

"I suppose my only answer is that I care deeply for her."

"I never stopped caring for Anders, but that didn't mean we could be together. I think you simply need to accept the situation and move on. I'm obviously in no rush for a permanent relationship, so this isn't a demand, just advice. The thing is, the longer you hold on to what very well may be false hope, the more likely you are to miss out on a relationship that is right for you."

The waitress came to take our orders, which allowed me some time to consider what Anna had said. If Teri had said the same thing, I'd have seen it as her trying to clear the field immediately for herself, but with Anna, it simply came across as good advice. There was no doubt Anna might eventually be interested in something long-term, but Swedish sensibilities appeared to be such that casual dating was the norm, rather than what we'd called 'going steady' in High School.

"It just feels wrong to give up," I said once we'd placed our orders.

"Consider what might happen if you don't accept that she's decided to end things with you. How long do you intend to hold out hope? Weeks? Months? Years?"

"I honestly don't know."

"May I ask a very direct question?"

"Yes, of course."

"Say, five years from now, you're in a relationship but still carrying a torch for Bev, and she shows up — what do you do?"

"It depends on what promises I've made," I replied.

"Does it? Really? I know you pride yourself on being a man of your word, but would you really turn Bev away?"

"I'll turn the question around and ask if deciding she's broken up with me would affect that."

"If that's actually true, then you should never give your word to anyone, given you'll break it, even ten years from now, if Bev comes back into your life."

"I'm not sure that's true. And, as I said, if you're correct in your analysis, then I'm not sure that saying I've resigned myself to the relationship being over would matter."

"I think it would because it would change how you think about her."

"I need to think through what you've said. OK to set it aside for the rest of our date?"

"Yes, of course!" Anna replied. "As I said, I'm in no rush, but it is something you need to consider and which impacts every relationship you might have and every other decision you might make."

The conversation turned to more differences between the US and Sweden, and I wondered if anything like the Swedish system would be possible in the US, given the extreme diversity compared to Sweden. I did want to visit, but the list of places I wanted to eventually go was long and growing longer, including several in the US, given I'd never traveled outside what was once the Northwest Territory, save a pair of brief visits to northern Kentucky and a flight to and from Greater Cincinnati Airport.

After dinner, we checked the movies that were showing, and there was nothing either of us wanted to see, so at Anna's suggestion, we went to her townhouse in Lincoln Park. She opened a bottle of wine, and we drank and listened to music before going to bed.

March 20, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

On Sunday morning, Anna and I showered together, she made breakfast for the two of us and her roommates. After breakfast, I headed home. As I drove, I thought about the conversation we'd had, and it was weighing heavily on me because I was seriously struggling with the idea of giving up on Bev.

Logically, it made sense, but in my heart, it felt as if I would be letting her down, even though she was the one who had disappeared. In the final analysis, it was my actions when I'd decided to come to Chicago that had set in motion the chain of events that had led to where we were.

I wondered, though, why Anna had pushed so hard when any exclusive relationship was several years down the road. Was it possible I was missing something? I had no idea and no way to know from our conversations to date, but there was plenty of time to figure things out.

At home, I did my laundry, and Bianca, Shelly, and I cleaned. Shelly and Bianca were going to Shelly's house for dinner, and they'd be bringing back boxes we'd use for moving. It was hard to believe that in five days, I'd own my own house. Well, Spurgeon would own it until I paid the mortgage, but that was a technicality in my mind, as it was the usual way people bought houses. There would be tax advantages, as I'd be able to deduct mortgage interest and property taxes from my 1983 tax return, which would bring down the effective tax rate.

Another tax advantage I'd have would begin in July, when I'd been at Spurgeon two years, and would be eligible to contribute to the firm's 401(k) retirement plan, which would allow me to invest pre-tax dollars with a lockup until I retired. The other advantage was that Spurgeon would match every dollar I contributed up to 10% of my income, though there was also a cap at $25,000 of the contribution that could be matched. That would also lower my effective tax rate by deferring all taxes until retirement, including taxes on the gains.

While we were cleaning, Beth called and asked if I was interested in having dinner on Monday, and I declined because of class. Because of a combination of class, my dinner with Keiko, and the Sabbath, no days were good for both of us before Saturday, and we agreed to go out Saturday evening.

With that arranged, I decided to call Anala to see if she and I could have lunch on Tuesday or Thursday.

"Tuesdays aren't good," Anala said. "I meet my new friend every Tuesday."

"I see where I rate," I groused.

"I didn't say I wouldn't see you! How about Thursday?"

"That's fine. The same deli near the Hancock Center as last time?"

"Yes. See you there at 11:30am."

We said 'goodbye', and I hung up, then said 'goodbye' to Bianca and Shelly, who were leaving for Rockford. About twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang, and, as I expected, it was Deanna. I invited her in and laughed when she grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the stairs.

"It's only been a week," I chuckled.

"So? Can't a girl be horny?"

"She can!"

We spent two hours fooling around, then showered, dressed, and went downstairs.

"I thought more about what we saw in the movie," Deanna said as we drank hot cocoa.

"And?"

"I was thinking that we could re-enact the scene with CeCi when she's here, if you're willing, that is."

"I think I'd be concerned about how CeCi might react to that. It's pretty extreme for you and me, and we're experienced. Have you asked her?"

"No. I wanted to talk to you about it first. If you're willing, I'd ask her after you two do it. She already said she'd do anything you wanted to do, though I doubt that me doing you with a strap-on is included in her version of 'anything'."

"Given I had no idea about it until a friend told me about it a little over a year ago, I think I'd agree. But then again, if someone had said to me 'anything' in High School, I'd have taken that to mean blowjobs, eating pussy, and screwing, all one-on-one. My horizons were broadened when I came to Chicago!"

"Mine, too!" Deanna declared. "I'd have thought the same as you. And now, even though I know about other stuff, I haven't done any of it. Sophie and Ivy are pretty crazy, and I told you they're having a wild affair with one of their professors that includes using the strap-on on him and each other, and him doing them in the butt, and everything else you can imagine."

"They usually don't have a long-term regular thing, at least from what I understood."

"This won't last past the semester, and I guarantee he'll come begging, which means he'll never get them again. You know that's why they liked you, right? You have a big cock that you know how to use and never once asked."

"I understood that from day one. Well, the not-asking part. The other, well..." I shrugged.

"Take it from Sophie, Ivy, and me — you're huge. And you know how to use it."

"Flattery will get you what you already got!"

Deanna laughed, "And will get again! So what do you think?"

"I am not thrilled by being on the giving or receiving end, but if you think you'll get off on it, I will."

"Giving yes; receiving, I'm not so sure."

"Ditto. How about we agree to wait to see what CeCi says? If she says 'no', we have our answer."

"You aren't curious?" Deanna asked.

"Actually, no. But that doesn't mean my answer to you is 'no'."

"Now you have me wondering why."

"I've found it to be to my advantage to make girls I'm intimately involved with happy. It ensures repeat customers!"

Deanna laughed, "I'd say that's a very good strategy! Will you answer a question?"

"What's that?"

"How successful? You know I was with three guys before you."

"I haven't kept an exact count," I replied, "but probably around forty."

"And a completely out-of-line question, but one that I think I'd be able to deduce after I move in, but how many are you currently entertaining?"

"There are six or seven regulars besides you."

"I'm not surprised, given you're tall, handsome, successful, and hung like a horse!"

"My turn for a question — how important is that?"

"Skill and attentiveness are more important, but all things being equal, bigger is better, though I suppose only to a point."

"The guy in Insatiable?"

"That actually is part of what gives me pause about our proposed experiment. If you were smaller, that wouldn't be as much of a concern."

"If that concerns you..."

"Because I really want to try that on you, and I'd be willing to let you do it to me to be able to do it to you."

"And that is why I'd be willing — because you would get off on doing it. I'll leave it up to you."

"Let's see what CeCi has to say, then decide."

"Sounds good. What do you want for dinner?"