Chapter 19: Another Strikeout

March 5, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"Will there be a Round 4?" Teri asked as I exited the Ike at Racine Avenue.

"I think that comes down to whether or not we could find a way forward that satisfied both of us, and I'm not sure that's possible given the disconnect we have."

"And the only solution is to 'connect'?" she asked.

"It would be crass of me to insist on that when I know you have strong feelings on the matter."

"And I'm not worth waiting for?"

"Not to be crass, but I'm sure it will sound crass, for how long? Until we marry? Years?"

"That is what waiting until my wedding night means," Teri said.

"And you're ready to marry?" I asked. "To marry me?"

"No, but I don't have to decide that today, or next week, or even next month. The only reason there's a question about Round 4 is because YOU can't contemplate not having sex until we were married."

"That's true, but it's more nuanced. You're asking me to, in effect, make a bet on the future, with no timeframe and no guarantee that we'd end up married."

"Isn't that what dating is?" Teri asked.

"Yes, in the broadest terms."

"And you don't do dating without sex, so you can't contemplate something that is actually fairly common."

"May I be blunt?"

"Could I stop you?" Teri asked with a wry smile.

"Probably not," I admitted. "What you're asking for is a complete and total change in my behavior, and I don't want to change. I enjoy sex, and giving it up for potentially years simply isn't in the cards, especially with no guarantees."

"To be equally blunt, you're asking me to change my behavior, which I don't want to do, and do something that can't be undone, with no guarantee that we'd end up married."

"Impasse," I said firmly. "There is no viable middle ground."

"That's too bad," Teri said. "I really like you."

"And I like you, too."

"But not enough to wait."

"And you don't like me enough to not."

"That's not it at all!" Teri protested. "I don't think you really understand me. Doing it or not doing it has nothing to do with how much I like you. It's a principle, like your principles of honesty, forthrightness, and keeping your word. You wouldn't yield on those, no matter how much you liked someone, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't."

"And I won't yield on this because it's a core value I hold. Forget why I hold it because that's not really important. I am absolutely sure I want to have sex, and when the time comes, I'm positive it'll be great, and I'll do whatever is necessary to please my partner. When the time comes, but not before."

"I apologize," I said. "I shouldn't have said what I did about not liking me enough."

"Actually, I think it was good that you did. It explains a lot about you. And I think it makes it clear that you shouldn't ask me out again."

"I'm sorry."

"Me, too," Teri said. "I thought there might be something special, but, well, there's no need to rehash everything we've discussed."

We rode the last two minutes in silence, and when we reached Teri's house, she simply got out of the car, said 'goodbye', and walked up to the house. I had thought about getting out and walking with her, but the date had, in effect, ended when I'd made the comment about not liking me enough.

March 6, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"Is something bothering you, Jonathan?" Bianca asked after breakfast late on Sunday morning.

"Why do you ask that?"

"You're too quiet. What time did you get home last night?"

"Just after 6:00pm. Teri and I had lunch and went to the zoo, and then I came home."

"What did you do after you got home?" Bianca asked.

"You and Shelly were out with the girls, so I made myself dinner and spent the evening listening to music and reading."

"I take it something happened with Teri?"

"I think I learned the limitations of blunt discourse," I replied. "Or at least that there are limitations."

"You said something that upset her?"

"I think 'offended' is a better word because she wasn't emotional about it."

"I won't pry because you're obviously being circumspect, but I will observe that both Deanna and Keiko are perfectly OK with your blunt, direct style. Shelly and I are, as well, obviously. I suspect Bev was, too."

"More or less, but my relationship with her was so completely different from with anyone else I've known that I don't think I can draw any conclusions from what worked with her."

"Teri isn't the first one who couldn't deal with your personality and your worldview, and probably won't be the last. Haley couldn't, either."

"With Haley, it was more about timing. At almost twenty-three, she's ready to find a guy and settle down. I've seen that with the girls who are past the age where people usually graduate college. And it makes sense, just not for me."

"Because you're twenty! I know what I want long term, but I'm not ready to commit to anyone."

"Bullshit!" I challenged.

Bianca laughed, "OK, I am to you and Shelly, but that's a special case."

"You and Shelly are exclusive, though, right?"

"Informally. Before we moved in, I did get together with two other girls, but once we moved in, I stopped because, well, I think you know why."

"Your original goal with me, albeit modified by the fact that you like pussy as much as I do!"

Bianca laughed, "An interesting way to put it, but yes. And despite you saying 'no', it actually worked out almost exactly as I offered — live together for four years, with you having freedom, and deciding around graduation when we'll both be twenty-two, if we belong together."

"But on different terms from what you originally suggested because you discovered you're bi, and you need female companionship more than male, but you like both."

"True, and I still say that's your best option for the future."

"No self-interest there!" I chuckled.

"Right, because YOU reject any idea that self-interest is important in our decision-making! Not!"

"I didn't say it was a bad thing," I replied. "Just that your advice lines up with what you want. And you aren't trying subterfuge or being dishonest, so I can't object."

"Sure, you could, but you want me to be direct and say what I want. I keep pointing out how compatible we are, and well, you just can't get past whatever mental block you have about a traditional marriage. Blunt enough for you?"

I nodded, "I appreciate the candor. And speaking of candor, are your continual suggestions about a harem a means to an end or something you think is not just OK but truly right for me?"

"Oh, sure, ask me to figure out my own motivations!" Bianca replied, shaking her head.

"I find that to be the most difficult intellectual task I have to perform — analyzing myself and my motives."

"We're blinded, somewhat," Bianca observed, "because we aren't always honest with ourselves. And if we aren't, it's hard to figure out why we do what we do. But it's not just intentional dishonesty with ourselves, which we could overcome; it's the hidden dishonesty that's the real problem. You're the most logical and analytical person I know — do you know why you do what you do in every instance?"

"I think I do, but I also think I'm wrong!"

Bianca laughed, "Nice paradox, but that essentially proves my point. I think it's impossible to know our true motives in enough detail and with enough impartiality to answer your question definitively. That said, I think the answer is that I'm proposing something that has mutual benefits, that is, it works in both our favors. I know you don't agree, but think about why you don't agree. I bet you anything you care to wager that you can't explain your motivation to have a traditional marriage relationship."

"You'd win that bet," I replied. "And you've identified an intense internal struggle because all I can say is that I feel a traditional marriage relationship is right for me. I can't prove it logically, and the only objection I've raised is one I completely reject — social acceptance."

"The fact that you realize that puts you several steps ahead of most people. May I point out something which ought to be obvious to you but might not actually be?"

I smiled, "That I'm actually doing exactly what you suggested by inviting Keiko and Deanna to move in?"

"OK, so it is obvious, even to you!"

"Yes, but as I've said to several young women recently, I'm not sure what I want at this point."

"Is that really a surprise? You're twenty, you've been in Chicago less than two years, and before you moved here, you had exactly one relationship, and by your own admission, it was very different from any other one you've had. Think about what an alternate universe where you don't move to Chicago would look like."

"I'd have taken a job, likely doing manual labor, or maybe joining a trade union as an apprentice, would likely have married Bev, had kids, and lived in Goshen for the rest of my life."

"The fact that you answer that immediately tells me that's probably what's controlling you — you had, at some point, exactly that scenario in mind, even if it was subconscious. You made a conscious decision to abandon that, including not talking to Bev about it until it was a fait accompli."

"An interesting analysis," I observed. "And one I can't refute, at least at the moment."

"I think, based on everything, you still have your relationship with Bev in mind when you think about your relationships, and that actually might be why you are so adamant about not committing to anyone."

"I did with Lily," I countered.

"And how did that go?"

"Badly, but that had as much to do with her Catholic guilt and the situation with her parents and Costas as it did with me. But in hindsight, I suspect it was because it wasn't like what Bev and I had, and it felt as if something was missing."

"Are you over Bev?" Bianca asked. "Or is she still the Platonic ideal of a woman?"

"Ouch."

"Seriously, isn't she the one by whom you measure every other woman? And your relationship with her, prior to your conscious decision to leave her, is the measure of every other relationship?"

"You know, I think I understand Teri's reaction to my blunt talk better now than I did an hour ago."

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," I replied. "You just forced me to consider something I hadn't truly considered, and I think is important to me figuring out what I need to be able to have a successful relationship, whatever form it might take."

The phone rang, and I got up to answer it.

"Kane," I said.

"Jonathan? This is Tammy McGill. Do you remember me?"

"Yes, of course," I said, overtaken by a sense of foreboding. "What's wrong?"

"Have you heard from Bev?"

"Not since I spoke to her last Sunday. Why?"

"When my mom and I came home from church this morning, Bev and Heather were gone, and none of their things are here."

I sighed, as exactly what I'd expected to happen had happened.

"Did she say anything to you about her parents hiring a private investigator to find her?"

"No."

"Or about the baby's father wanting to pay child support?"

"Wait! You know who it is?"

"I do," I replied. "Bev told me. The baby's father told a mutual acquaintance that he was the father and wanted to pay child support. Anyway, the private investigator called me last Monday, and I refused to give him any information. Did Bev say anything to you that might give a clue as to where she went?"

"No. Mom found a receipt in the trash showing Bev took all her money out of the bank in cash on Friday."

"Wonderful," I sighed. "Did you call the police?"

"No. Should we?"

"Probably not," I replied. "I want to know where she is and that she's OK, but I'm afraid if we don't all leave her alone, she'll do something even more rash. If you hear from her, ask her to call me, please, and if I hear from her, I'll ask her to call you, and if she won't, I'll call you."

"Mom and I are worried."

"Me, too," I replied. "But I'm not sure what we can do except hope she gets in touch. Does your dad know?"

"He's flying to London via New York and won't call until he lands at Heathrow. Why?"

"I just wondered what he had said."

"He'll be worried, too."

There was nothing more to say, so we said 'goodbye' and I hung up.

"That didn't sound good," Bianca observed.

"Bev disappeared again," I said. "And there is literally nothing I can do about it."

"Except beat yourself up for past actions."

"It's not that, honestly," I countered. "Yes, I made mistakes, and I acknowledge that, but at this point, it's on Bev, not me. I did everything in my power to help, including offering to allow her to move in and being a couple, something she rejected. I'm not trying to avoid my fair share of the blame, but at this point, I don't blame myself. But it's also the case that if I could do something, I would."

"Marry her?" Bianca asked.

"Right up until she ran away from home, I'd have answered that question 'yes'. But she's too unstable now for me to trust anything she says or does. I had thought we might put things back together, at least somewhat, but the fact that she's running away from me, as well as everything else, means that's not likely to happen."

"And if she shows up on our doorstep in the next few hours? Or days?"

"I'll drive off that particular bridge when I come to it, not before!"

Bianca laughed, "At least you haven't lost your dry sense of humor."

"Wouldn't it be wet if I drove off a bridge?"

"You and Teddy Kennedy?"

"I wouldn't have let my pregnant mistress drown," I replied. "Even if Bev shows up, there is still so much that has happened that I'd take her in but not let her move into my room."

"You're sure about that?" Bianca asked.

"Hell if I know," I replied. "But it's pure speculation because she won't come here because it's literally the next place anyone would look."

"So now what?"

"I do some housework, eat lunch, call my mom, then have my date with Deanna. There isn't much else I can do."

"And Teri?"

"That's over, at her request, the same as with Haley."

"All clear?" Shelly asked, coming into the kitchen.

"Huh?" I inquired.

"Bianca noticed you were in a bit of a mood and asked me to hang out in our room for a bit so you could speak privately. It's cool."

"Just so you know, Bev disappeared," I said. "And this time, she didn't tell me where she was going."

"That sucks," Shelly opined.

"Yes, it does," I agreed.

The girls helped with the housework, as they usually did, and then we had lunch together. After lunch, I went up to my room to call my mom.

"Bev did what I expected and ran away," I said after Mom and I greeted each other. "I have no idea where she is."

"Oh, Jonathan, I'm so sorry!" Mom exclaimed.

"It's not your fault, Mom. Or mine. I told Mrs. Newton what would happen, and she didn't listen. I have half a mind to call and say, 'I told you so!' but that might actually make things worse."

"So now what?"

"Nothing," I replied. "What could I do except hire someone to find her, and when they do, have her possibly do something even more rash? She asked me to leave her alone, and I reluctantly agreed. She said she needed time and space, and that was something her parents refused to give her. Even my calls, each of which had a specific reason, bothered her. My offer to help was accepted politely, but in a way that made it clear she wasn't interested in my help."

"I'm worried about her and Heather."

"Me, too," I replied. "And so is the family she was staying with. But I'm not sure what any of us can do. It really is up to Bev."

"She needs some kind of counseling," Mom said.

"Maybe," I replied. "Or maybe she just needs people to leave her alone for a time, as she said."

"It's not rational," Mom said.

"Maybe not, but Bev is intelligent and was always level-headed. Having me leave, getting pregnant, thinking it was Bob but finding out it was Glen, and having YOU find out that it was Glen after you were engaged had to be emotionally overwhelming, even for someone as practical as Bev. Her dad simply wouldn't give her the space she needed, and I let myself get caught in the battle between them."

"You were always in that battle! It was just mostly below the surface until Bev got pregnant, then it turned into open hostilities. Teenage girls who become sexually active often have strained relationships with their fathers. Jim Newton certainly made mistakes, but he handled it much better than your grandfather did."

"You know what bugs me the most about that, right?"

"That they treated Wendy's pregnancy differently from how they treated mine?"

"Yes."

"Let's not dwell on that, please. May I give you one piece of advice?"

"Sure."

"No matter how upset you are with Jim Newton, please don't call him and say, 'I told you so'. That might actually make things worse, and he already knows you were right. Well, he will when he finds out she's gone again, which he will, one way or another."

"Are you going to say anything?"