Chapter 18: Barefoot, Pregnant, and in the Kitchen?

March 4, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"What did you want to do?" I asked Haley when we met in the lobby after work on Friday, which had been her last day in the office.

"Dinner and a movie?" she asked. "Bacino's on Wacker and then a movie at Water Tower Place?"

"What's playing?"

"There are two new films, My Tutor and Tender Mercies. The first one is a typical teen coming-of-age movie; the second one is a drama about a country singer."

"The first one is obviously going to be a comedy of errors of teenage boys trying to get laid. What kind of drama?"

"I don't know much about it," Haley said, "other than he's down on his luck and trying to rebuild his life. It has mixed reviews and is actually only playing in three theatres nationally."

"That's an awfully limited release," I replied. "It sounds as if nobody thinks it's actually any good. Who's in it?"

"Robert Duvall."

"Hmm. I'm not sure I can see Tom Hagen or Colonel Kilgore as a country singer."

"I know who Tom Hagen is, but who is Colonel Kilgore?"

"A character in Apocalypse Now," I replied. "He says, among other things, that 'napalm smells like victory'. That said, I can see why you might not want to see a teen sex farce."

Haley laughed, "I lived through that in High School!"

"I missed that completely because I was working, and I only ever really hung out with my friend Bev. I'm game for either one."

"How about Tender Mercies? I'm sure you've seen plenty of T&A."

"I'm not quite sure how to take that," I said.

"As a joke!" Haley said. "But I'm also sure you've been around the block a few times."

"A few," I replied. "Let's catch a cab to Bacino's," I said. "It's silly to drive over and then come back. It'll cost more to park twice than to take a cab both ways."

"That's right, if you leave and return after 5:00pm, they charge you."

"Yep. And parking in the city is expensive because the city takes a huge cut."

"Of course they do! This is Chicago, so someone has to be paid off!"

"I was thinking taxes and fees, but you're not wrong."

We left the Hancock Center, and I hailed a cab which took us to Bacino's on Wacker Drive. Their pizza is good, but not as good as Lou Malnati's. We were seated fairly quickly and placed our pizza order.

"How does it feel to not be working at Spurgeon?" I asked.

"A bit strange, given it was my first job after my Associate's degree. It would have been three years in June, but as we discussed, Mrs. Peterson isn't going to retire for at least ten years, so the only way up was out. And, honestly, I can do without the 'coke and hookers' mentality."

"Which is part of the reason I'm reluctant to date anyone at Spurgeon. The other, as we discussed, is how badly the situation with Rachel went and the fact that it could have even been worse."

"I know you feel that way, but there is literally no way Noel Spurgeon would side with 'a piece of ass' over a money maker."

"That's just wrong," I said. "I have no problem with casual sex, but treating the secretaries as if they're call girls or a harem is just wrong, and I wouldn't want that kind of favoritism."

"May I make an observation?"

"Sure."

"I couldn't say this before today for obvious reasons, but you aren't like Spurgeon, Matheson, and all the rest. I mean all because even the ones who appear to be moralists aren't. There isn't a single 'Suit', as you mailroom guys call them, who hasn't messed around with secretaries. Because of that, at some point, you're going to have had enough. Something will happen that will be so objectionable that you'll feel you have no choice but to leave. The only way that will be possible is if you start working on your exit plan right now. And don't think any of the girls except Anna and me don't participate. All of them do."

If Haley was correct, and I suspected that she was, things were worse than I thought and meant that my assessment that things might improve was probably in error, and might well mean that Mr. Matheson's advice to 'not worry about Anna working at Spurgeon' took on a different character.

"I had hoped Anna was a sign of progress," I said.

"So long as Noel Spurgeon runs the company, nothing will change. All the rumors about him are true."

"You know it will be years before I could leave, right? I'd have to have my own client base, and I have a start, but it's just that, a start. I estimated I'd need a hundred million in my fund for going on my own to be viable. I have less than five, not counting Noel Spurgeon's money I'm managing."

"You know that's part of the trap, right?" Haley asked. "Golden handcuffs are still handcuffs."

"You're putting in a serious effort to convince me to leave."

"I don't want to see you corrupted," she said. "And that eventually happens to anyone who stays long term."

I smiled, "So you're looking out for your own best interests?"

Haley smiled, "And yours, but there's obviously a chance our best interests might align, or we wouldn't be here. I'm pretty sure you agree there's at least a possibility of that happening."

I nodded, "I do, though my preference is to take things slowly and see how they develop over time. I think I told you I didn't really date during High School, so my experience in building relationships is somewhat limited."

"And I didn't date much in High School, either, except for dances and Prom. I dated quite a bit while working on my Associates and since then. And limited experience in relationships shouldn't really be a problem, should it? I think we're compatible, we get along well, and we both find each other attractive. Isn't that the basis for a relationship?"

"I think those are important, but shared goals and a shared worldview are more important."

"You mean marriage, kids, and things like that?"

"That's part of it, yes, but it's more than that. You know I'm analytical and logical, and don't have any use for drama or excess emotion, and I'm basically utilitarian in my outlook. I'm not guided by any external system of morals, and I'm confident enough of my understanding of the universe to say that we come into existence at conception and go out of existence at death."

"That's a lot of stuff to dump on a first date!" Haley exclaimed.

"Except it's not our first date, really, and I don't see any value in not being forthright. That's another thing — I'm direct, blunt, and brutally honest. Some people can't deal with that, perhaps even most."

"I'm not saying this is what you're doing, but a girl could interpret what you're saying as an attempt to blow her off."

I nodded, "I can see that, but I'd say it's more like fair warning. I don't want to give the wrong impression or mislead you in any way."

"I think I need to ask if you have a timeline in mind," Haley said.

"You mean, am I ready to marry or even get engaged? No. When will I be? I can't answer that in any specific way, but in my mind, mid-twenties is about right, but who knows what will happen."

"What if you meet the right person before you're twenty-five, or whatever you had in mind?"

"In that case, I'd set aside my intent to wait and act accordingly. It's only logical."

"I never heard the word 'love' in any of that," Haley observed.

"Because it's not part of my criteria. It's an emotional response based on electrochemical stimulation, and I don't trust emotions. They're illogical."

"Jesus, Jonathan!" Haley gasped. "You're Mr. Spock!"

"No, he's dead!" I chuckled. "At least in theory, anyway, because the Genesis planet will probably revive him in some way."

"Is everything a joke to you?" Haley asked.

"I find a bit of levity helps take a bit of the rough edges off my personality. I may have misjudged in this case."

"In all seriousness, you don't ever feel sad or happy or whatever?"

"Of course I do," I replied. "But I don't allow those emotions to control my behavior. And, by the way, I do have deep feelings, which I would classify as love, but it's not what most people would call being 'in love'. I'm not sure that makes sense because it's hard to express the difference. As someone explained to me, we use the same word to refer to strong feelings for our parents, our friends, our spouses, our pets, and food. Other languages have more nuanced words."

"But isn't that an emotion?"

"Maybe, but I think it's different from being in love, or being sad, or being happy, all of which are transient and can change at a moment's notice. What I would call 'true love' isn't like that. It's more of a decision than a feeling, but I haven't thought it through enough to really explain it. I think one way to explain it is that people fall in love and fall out of love, but I'll never stop loving my mom or my friend Bev. And if you think about it, isn't divorce an acknowledgment of a mistake? And the mistake is often made because emotions controlled what happened rather than logic."

"I think I see why you don't have a steady girlfriend," Haley observed. "I think with that approach, you're basically a confirmed bachelor, maybe for life."

"I plan to marry and have kids," I countered.

"But with your attitude, you're going to find it difficult to find someone to marry. I'm positive you'll find plenty of girls who want to go out with you or just have fun, but girls who want to marry are going to be turned off by your strict, logical approach to life."

"I actually have a friend who agrees with me on the topic."

"If she agrees, why is she just a friend?"

"Incompatible spirituality. Otherwise, we're very much on the same page. To be honest, I've found that incompatible spirituality is the biggest impediment. I'm an atheist, and I don't see any real chance of that ever changing. If religion or religious practices are at all important to someone, that's a huge potential barrier. I'm not saying they have to be an atheist, but regular church attendance and following some ancient moral code is not something I believe I could sign up for, nor something I'd be quiet about with my kids."

"You're in one of the most Catholic cities in the country!"

"Yes, but there are plenty of non-practicing Catholics who don't care about a church wedding, and I've met Lutherans, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, and even practitioners of Shinto, as well as agnostics and a few atheists, though the atheists are guy friends. Fundamentally, I don't think significant religious differences can ever be overcome. I learned that lesson from dating Rachel Kealty."

"What about compromise?"

"It's possible in limited ways, but be honest — could you really change your beliefs simply by deciding to?"

"You think you could!" Haley countered.

"Because my life is governed by logic, science, and analysis, not faith or emotion."

"Well, this certainly didn't go the way I expected it to," Haley said just as the waitress brought our pizza.

"How did you expect it to go?" I asked.

"Like a normal date, leading to another date, and so on, and becoming a couple."

"I didn't rule that out," I replied.

"Not specifically, but everything you said indicates you don't want the same kind of relationship I do in the same timeframe. I'm at a point where just having a good time isn't enough, whereas for you, it is. I think maybe it's partly because you're basically the age of a college sophomore, and most guys that age don't think about lifetime commitments. I'm almost twenty-three, and, if you think about it, that's about the age you suggested for when you'd be ready to have a serious relationship."

"So, now what?" I asked.

"Shouldn't that be my question? But before we go there, I'm curious about how you expected things to go?"

"In one sense, I had no expectations; in another sense, we'd enjoy an evening together, and if we both wanted to go out again, we would. Maybe it would lead somewhere, or maybe it wouldn't. For me, I take each day as it comes without worrying about where it will lead. That's not to say I don't have goals or plans, just that I prefer to let things develop at their own pace."

"So, from your perspective, we'd just date casually until you decided you were ready for a serious relationship?"

"Isn't that how it usually goes?" I asked. "I mean, that's basically how every relationship starts. The difference is I don't feel any pressure to move to the next stage, or whatever you want to call it. In High School, from what I saw, it was two dates then go steady or break up, and pretty much everyone conformed."

"You had a steady girlfriend then, right?"

"In hindsight, you could call it that, but really, Bev and I were friends from the time we were little and the relationship just developed naturally and led to the obvious place when I was seventeen and she was sixteen. But we never, ever discussed it, and neither of us dated anyone, but we also didn't refer to each other as 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend'.

"We were just friends. I didn't figure out our relationship until after I moved to Chicago, much to my regret. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say, and the things I did made sense knowing what I knew then and believing what I believed then. It was only after the fact that I recognized the relationship for what it truly was and how badly I'd messed it up."

"That actually gives me a bit of insight into your aversion to acting on the idea of being 'in love' because you never fell in love with her."

"I just loved her," I replied. "But again, I didn't realize how I really felt and how important that relationship was until I basically wrecked it by not talking to her about moving to Chicago until I'd already decided and then not suggesting we find a way to stay together."

"And that makes it even more clear," Haley observed. "Your determination to not make the same mistakes again has led you to be very direct because of your failure to talk to Bev and discuss your future together."

"I'd say that's accurate."

"And whatever happened between you two can't be fixed?"

"I thought it could," I replied. "Then things went straight to Hell, not because of anything I did, but because of the circumstances, which I can't go into. That said, I do have responsibility for creating the circumstances that led to the fracturing of the relationship to the point I'm not sure we can even be friends."

"And that closes the loop on why you are the way you are. Have you considered couples' counseling?"

"That's kind of difficult, given she doesn't live in Chicagoland."

"What about for yourself, to deal with the guilt?"

"I wouldn't say I feel guilty," I replied. "Responsible for my actions or failure to act, but not guilty. I made mistakes, and I determined not to make them again. I've analyzed my actions and inactions, and that has shaped how I behave now. It wasn't sinful or immoral or unethical, just naïve. Nobody should feel guilty about that unless they repeat the same mistakes after learning they made a mistake."

"I was wrong. You aren't Mr. Spock; you're a computer!"

"I don't think it will surprise you that I see that as a compliment, even though I know you didn't mean it to be one."

"Who would want to make love with an emotionless robot?" Haley asked.

"I don't even know how to respond to that comment," I said.

"Don't get me wrong," Haley said. "I know sex is fun and feels good, but isn't there a deeper meaning in a marriage?"

"I take it you want a blunt, honest answer?"

"That's the only kind you seem to have, so obviously."

"Sex is enjoyable and necessary for continuing the species, but beyond that, no, I don't feel it has any specific meaning."

"So it's just about pleasure?"

"And making babies, if you choose to do that. But in the end, how does it change things if I don't attach some externally defined social or religious value to sex?"

"Cheating, for one. If it has no meaning, then you're free to cheat because, like the typical cheater tries to say, 'it meant nothing', as if it being purely physical was a license."

"Two totally different things," I countered. "Cheating is about breaking your word, and for me, keeping my word is a key part of any relationship, whether it's business, friendship, marriage, or whatever. If I give my word, I'll keep it. It has nothing to do with any meaning I apply to my actions and everything to do with being honest, trustworthy, and faithful to my commitments."

"But why keep your word? I mean, you basically said you do whatever makes you happy when you said you were a utilitarian."

"The flip answer is that keeping my word makes me happy. The more nuanced answer is that it's about maximizing overall happiness, not about instantaneous happiness. That is, what action creates the potential for the most long-term happiness, and keeping my word fits precisely into that system. How happy would I be if nobody trusted me or would do business with me or be friends with me because I didn't keep my word?

"It's similar to the answer to the question about whose interests I put first, mine or my clients. And the answer is that it's in my best interest to look after the client's best interest. I might be able to make some immediate gain by betraying the client, but that's a recipe for long-term failure when nobody would trust me to not betray them. Of all the things you might say about Noel Spurgeon, nobody has EVER accused him of betraying a client's interests. And that's why he makes so much money — Noel Spurgeon always makes money for his partners."

"The Godfather: Part II, right?" Haley asked.

"Said by Hyman Roth about himself," I confirmed. "And it's absolutely the way to do business. No Spurgeon client cares if Noel Spurgeon has a thing for teenage girls so long as he makes money for his investors."

"You don't find it offensive that a man in his forties beds fifteen-year-old girls?" Haley asked.

"If it's consensual, who cares?" I replied. "It's not any of my business. Maybe the government cares, but as my friend Jeri says, for guys like Noel Spurgeon, the rules are different."

"And you want to be like him?"

"Minus the High School girls," I chuckled. "I'm only twenty, and most of them seem terribly immature to me. In all seriousness, I wouldn't cheat on my wife, nor tolerate my wife cheating on me. So, in that way, no, I don't want to be like him. As a successful investor and fund manager? I can't think of a better person to emulate. I simply don't care what he does in his personal life, and I hope the feeling is mutual and he doesn't care about mine."

"And the way he runs other parts of his business?"

"You know I disagree and hope that changes. If you're correct, and it doesn't change, then I'll have to decide what to do when I'm in a position to do it. That means becoming a trader and accumulating around a hundred million, as I said before. That's probably five years off, at least. But here's the thing — unless I'm required to somehow compromise myself personally, or I'm placed in an untenable position, I'll stay."