Chapter 16: Touché

February 26, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

Teri had created something of a conundrum for me, and one that would be totally tacky to express to her. A committed relationship with her would mean a lengthy period without sex, and that just didn't work for me. It wasn't that I couldn't do it, but that I didn't want to. There would have to be something about Teri that was so far beyond what I saw in girls like Keiko or Deanna for me to contemplate that kind of situation. That meant my correct course of action was to continue to see her, at least for a time, to find out if she was that special.

The situation with Teri was different from the situation with Violet because, as far as I could tell, Violet didn't have a hangup about pre-marital sex, but about sex in general, and if she got past that, our relationship would likely become physical in short order. And that was, in my mind, something that could and would be discussed if Violet wanted to get involved with me.

"You're considering not asking me out again if I won't have sex before my wedding night, aren't you?"

"No," I replied. "I simply considered the ramifications of what you said, not what I'd do about it. But let me turn the tables — what would you say or do if I said that I would only ask you to marry me after we'd had sex?"

"I'd be offended!" she declared.

"But I'm not supposed to be offended by you saying, in effect, your values override mine?"

"Are you seriously suggesting that you have some moral or spiritual or ethical imperative to have sex with a girl before you marry?"

"No, but you and I clearly do not put the same value on sex, and given there's no compromise available, one value has to win out over the other."

"And you think yours should win on every issue."

"I don't think that's accurate," I replied. "I would say that I would want to find someone who was compatible across the board, with neither of us needing to make major compromises. Does it truly make sense to marry someone with whom you have significant differences of opinion on things which are important to both?"

"Church?"

"For one," I replied. "Sex, obviously."

"Not so obvious!" Teri protested. "Nobody else is bound by my decision, and I didn't get on your case for having had sex. In fact, I bet we mostly agree with one specific exception. I'm not a moral busybody and I'm not complaining about the fact that you have what I'm going to gather is extensive experience. And I'm no prude, either. I just won't spread my legs because some random guy wants me to. If you can't deal with THAT, then you should probably just take me home."

"If we're being brutally honest..."

"We are," Teri interrupted.

"I was thinking that I didn't consider waiting until marriage as something I would do, but if you were special enough, I'd consider it. I don't know the answer to that question."

"Special enough?"

"If you were the person I felt was the best possible life partner, that could change my opinion on the matter."

"Let me get this straight — a girl who puts out has a better chance than one who doesn't? Why is sex before marriage so important to you?"

"I could ask the same question about the opposite," I replied. "Why is it so important to you to not do it before you're married?"

"Did you seriously just imply that it's wrong to want to wait?"

"No. We're not talking about right or wrong but about compatible views. I know you said you agree with me for the most part, but, and I know this is going to sound bad, but I'm going to say it anyway — what makes YOU so special?"

"Wow!" Teri said, shaking her head. "Is sex SO meaningless to you that it's no different from any other thing you do?"

"From my perspective, it's normal, natural biological function necessary to continue the human race. It's fun, and it feels good. I don't subscribe to any religion and don't believe there are any gods, but think about what I just said. Some god creates human beings, designs them with a strong sex drive, makes it feel really good, and makes it necessary to continue the human race, but then says, 'You can only do it when I approve with someone I approve'.

"Would you accept that from your dad? Or, what would you think of a parent who allowed their kid to buy candy but then locked it in a display case in the kid's room and told them they could eventually have it, so long as they followed a set of rules for the rest of their lives AND had to marry someone before they could have it?"

"You're comparing God and my dad?"

"Only to show that you'd never accept the kind of control you give to your god from your dad, and similarly, we'd call your god's behavior evil, or at least mean-spirited, if it were done by any parent. I'm sure you'll think it's crass, but a parent who gives a kid a toy but says they can't play with it for a decade or longer seems like a bad parent to me."

"Unreal," Teri said.

"Maybe, but my position is logical and doesn't depend on the opinions of old men in robes interpreting a collection of stories and letters written roughly two thousand years ago reflecting the views of one nomad in the Middle East through the eyes of the followers of a radical preacher. Well, less time if you follow the Muslim variation, more if you follow the Jewish one.

"I get the 'radical preacher' is Jesus, but one nomad?"

"Abraham," I replied. "Judaism, Christianity, and Islam all claim him as their original believer in one way or another. That's why they're called 'Abrahamic' faiths. Most of his fellow travelers are really hung up on sex and treating women as somehow inferior to men. Sure, there are variations, but in the end, religious leaders have an unhealthy interest in what I do and with whom I do it. And it's worse for women."

"And you think that's my reason? Because God said so?"

"It might not be the proximate cause," I replied, "but I strongly suspect that it's the root cause. Ultimately, the source of your belief is external, and I bet it can be traced back to religion, whereas the source of my belief system is internal. I absolutely take all evidence available to me into account, but in the end, it's because I think it's right, not because someone else thinks it's right."

"Did you miss what I said last time about not agreeing with the Pope?"

"On the topic of birth control," I replied. "You did make a point about going to church because it's what Irish Catholics do and that you aren't religious, and yet you seem to hold some religious views that are not entirely compatible with my views."

"On one specific topic. And I'd say it's more cultural than anything."

"Which culture?" I asked slyly.'

"Irish, of course."

"Irish Catholic," I countered. "So, the ultimate source is exactly what I suggested — old men in robes with ancient books who had a fetish for virginity and a desire to control people, especially women."

"And you'd be OK with marrying someone who slept with dozens of guys?"

"I'm no hypocrite," I replied. "I also think I have a different perspective because my mom got pregnant with me at sixteen and wasn't married. Some people, again, mostly followers of Abraham's god, think I'm a 'bastard' and somehow less worthy than someone whose parents were married when they were conceived. I had no control over that, and to, in effect, blame me for the circumstances of my birth is just wrong. Nobody should care that my mom and my dad weren't married, but they do because some random guy in the Middle East thousands of years ago said that it was a bad thing."

"I guess I hadn't thought about that, but you're right about the stigma of unwed mothers and kids born out of wedlock."

"Also, I am not, despite how it might appear, trying to talk you into changing your mind. I am, on the other hand, trying to get you to see my point and why I have difficulty with your position. You're free to hold it, obviously, and free to act on it, but I'm equally free to react to your beliefs and actions. I also want to point out that you've contradictorily accused me of both putting no value on sex and also of making it a primary consideration.

"Those two positions are logically inconsistent, and I don't think they accurately describe my approach to sex, pre-marital or otherwise. In a sense, sex is comparable to a tool, and it can be used positively or negatively. A hammer can be used to drive a nail or crush someone's skull. The hammer is completely neutral and amoral; it's the user who is moral or immoral. And in Abraham's system, that's true about sex, too."

"You mean adultery being bad and monogamy being good?"

"Yes, though from the little I know, monogamy wasn't Abraham's strong suit! Nor David's or Solomon's. But that kind of exhausts my knowledge, and I couldn't provide any details other than having read they didn't follow the rules laid out in the books. In other words, they were hypocrites."

"Sinful is the word that is used."

"Can you show me an authoritative list of rules on which Christians, Jews, and Muslims all agree? I mean, after all, they all claim to follow the same god."

"I'm sure you know the answer to that."

"Obviously, which is why I asked it. And you know the answer. I'm absolutely OK if you adopt those rules, so long as they only apply to you and don't affect me. But that also means that if I don't agree with the rules, we have a conflict, and unless it can be resolved, there isn't much chance of a future together."

"You're awfully blunt. Are you like this with all the girls you ask out?"

"So far, only practicing Catholics," I replied.

"Why just them?"

"Because you can't swing a dead cat in Chicago without hitting a practicing Catholic."

"And it's always about pre-marital sex, right?"

"Actually, no. One thing I've found is that quite a few practicing Catholics don't listen to the Pope about birth control or pre-marital sex! It's about things like going to church, church weddings, having kids baptized, and so on. As soon as any of those things are mentioned, I address them right away so as not to have any misunderstandings or misinterpretations. And that stems from a fairly bad ending to a relationship not long after I moved here."

"She wouldn't put out?"

"It wasn't that, but about her faith and my lack of faith, and I felt there was no way to meet in the middle, so to speak, without one of us completely giving up our worldview. I confirmed that when, later, I had a detailed discussion with another Catholic girl about what was necessary for a wedding in a Catholic church, and I concluded I couldn't take the necessary steps."

"I actually don't know what they are."

"The bottom line is committing to not interfere in the religious upbringing of any kids, including a promise not to contradict Catholic teachings on any subject and a promise that the kids would regularly attend church, go to confession, and so on. I couldn't agree to being silenced in that way, nor commit to requiring my kids to go to church, and I won't make a phony promise, so no church wedding for me."

"You can't compromise at all?"

"I can," I replied. "Your church can't! And if you think about it, what actual middle ground is there? What happens when you teach the kids Catholic dogma, and I say it's all a load of crap? How do you think that's going to work out?"

"Not well," Teri admitted.

"Which is why I try to get it all out onto the table as soon as I sense it might be a concern. To be frank, I haven't had any trouble with Buddhists, Hindus, or adherents of Shinto. I don't know any Muslims, and the one Jewish girl I know follows a more liberal form of Judaism."

"In other words, they'll sleep with you."

I chuckled, "One of the most beautiful girls I know is a Hindu, and she won't sleep with me. She wouldn't even go out with me, mainly because I'm irreligious and not spiritual in any way. We're close friends, though, and she's a confidante and gives me great advice and has helped me flesh out my personal philosophy."

"Based on what?"

"Maximising my happiness and not hurting anyone."

"What if what makes you happy hurts someone else?"

"Then it wouldn't actually make me happy," I replied. "Neither tenet is absolute, though sometimes it is a zero-sum game, even if I'd prefer it wasn't. But then the goal is to derive the maximum happiness relative to doing minimal harm."

"But how do you decide, right or wrong?"

"If it hurts someone else needlessly, it's always wrong. If it makes me happy without harming someone, it's always right. Everything else depends."

"Situational ethics?"

"I've heard that phrase used as a condemnation, but in reality, everyone engages in situational ethics. Lying is wrong, correct?"

"Yes."

"Lying to the Nazis about Jews hiding in your house is right, correct?"

"I don't think I could possibly say that it would be wrong. I could never turn in Anne Frank."

"The Dutch girl, right?"

"Yes."

"Do you see my point? And yes, I used an extreme because those are almost always obvious. It's when competing values aren't so extreme that I have to say that it depends on the situation. And, once you admit it's OK to lie to the Nazis about Jews you're hiding, you have to allow for other situations where it's OK to lie. Situational ethics rule the day."

"I see your point. So you just do whatever you want?"

"Everyone does! I just don't beat myself up for breaking some arbitrary set of rules over which I have no control and no input and which are allegedly the will of an all-powerful ruler of the universe who will punish even minor transgressions with eternal torture."

"Did you ever believe in God?"

"No. My mom read Bible stories to me when I was a toddler, but she never took me to church, and I never thought of those stories as anything more than just stories. Later, when I learned about Greek and Norse mythology, I put the stories in the same category."

"Your mom believed in God?"

"I'd say right up until she went to bed with my dad; it just took several years to un-brainwash herself."

"Wow! You really believe that religious people are brainwashed?"

"If you've only ever been taught one thing and are told to not think critically about it, I'd say that's strong evidence, whether it's religion, politics, or whatever. Think about what happens to people who dissent or who flout the rules. They're kicked out of the church, which was what happened to my mom, or burned at the stake, or, in the distant past, nailed to a cross. If the teaching is so obvious and so right, why suppress dissent?"

"You are really working hard to get into my panties!" Teri said.

"And if you think that's the reason, you're mistaken."

"Am I?" Teri asked. "If God is the root cause of my desire to remain a virgin until I marry, wanting to have sex is the root cause of you asking me out. I mean, you didn't ask me out just to be platonic friends, right?"

"Touché. But all that does is show the potential of falling into a reducto ad absurdum fallacy. In a sense, you could say that asking someone out is expressing an intent to marry them eventually because a date is the first step on that path. The difference is that, in your case, we're discussing the underlying philosophical differences we have about sex and the root of those differences. I can't imagine you'd disagree that it has to do with being Catholic, even if it was filtered through Irish culture."

We arrived at Ricobene's but didn't get out of the car right away.

"You're right about Irish Catholic culture," Teri admitted.

"Which creates an impasse, I think."

"Does it? Think about what I said and what the one difference you've identified is."

"You mean about going to church but not being religious?"

"Yes. And what I either said clearly or implied about sex."

I thought about it for a moment, then nodded.

"It's not about anything other than timing."

"Exactly. To be blunt, I'm positive I'll like sex and will want to do it a lot. I have an open mind, so that's not a concern unless you're into something truly weird."

"Not that I'm aware of," I chuckled.

"How could you not be aware?"

"Because you didn't define 'truly weird'! I know just enough about sexuality to know that 'weird' is very subjective and different people would classify different things as 'weird'."

"A reasonable point. What about 'unconventional'?"

"Defined how and by whom?" I asked.

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" Teri said, laughing. "Oral sex is fine, intercourse is fine, and variations on the theme. OK?"

I chuckled, "I suspect there might be variants of which you aren't aware."

"You're probably right, but I think you get my drift and are being difficult on purpose."

"Of course I am!"

"And to cover the other issues, a church wedding would make my parents happy, but isn't important to me. That eliminates any question of making promises you couldn't keep. If you don't object to me going to church when I feel like it, having any kids baptized, and taking them to church, we don't have a problem. And yes, that means you get equal time. Is the timing that important? So important that you have to get me into bed before you'd consider marrying me?"