Chapter 2

You know what bothers me a lot? I don’t know how I did ... in life.

Did I succeed or fail? Was I smart or stupid? Was I brave or a coward? Did I do the right thing or the wrong thing? Did I go the right way or the wrong way? Was I a hero or a goat?

I have no one to tell me. I really, really, really wish I had someone I respect who could judge me and let me know. But there is no one. Sadly. There is no one.

And so I am adrift. There is no closure for me. I have money in the bank. I have reasonable health. Is that the measure of my existence? Did I do good? Did I do bad?

I wish I knew because I really don’t know where I stand. Am I being too hard on myself or too easy? Was I a slacker or a good worker? Was I an overachiever or under?

Maybe, unlike a tv show or a movie, there is no conclusion to a life. Maybe it’s a mix and it’s impossible to cover all of the possible permutations of what could have or should have happened in our lives. Maybe that’s where people think of God --- as the final arbiter of what was right and what was wrong. Maybe there is no final judgement; life is just a river than runs and runs and sometimes it runs shallow and sometimes it runs deep. Sometimes it runs wild and sometimes it runs tame. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it hurts.

Who’s to say?

I was there for every minute of it and if I can’t say how I did then who can?

Who can make such an objective evaluation for such a totally subjective experience? Impossible.