Thinking back, I can remember hiding under my bed and imaging being trapped, unable to move, completely helpless. It excited me. I didn’t know what or why. I was so young that I didn’t know anything about sex and had no idea that the excitement I felt was sexual. I’m not sure how young, but it was before I was a teenager, and long before the first time I masturbated.
As I matured, I discovered masturbation, and thoroughly enjoyed it. My fantasies were still of being helpless, but now they included pain. When I started reading more history and found out about medieval torture devices I added them to my dark fantasies. I’d deliberately cause myself pain during masturbation. Clothespins really helped here. I didn’t fantasize about girls. I didn’t fantasize about guys. I fantasized about being helpless and someone hurting me. I started imagining myself as a woman in these fantasies. To this day I’m always a woman in my dark fantasies.
A friend stole his father’s playboy, and I had a couple pictures from it. Once that happened, things changed a little. I’d start masturbation off by looking at the pictures, but I’d finish in my dark fantasies. I didn’t fantasize about having sex with the women in the pictures. They just gave a face and body to the dominating force in my fantasies. They dominated me and hurt me. I loved every minute of it.
After a few years I started having the occasional fantasy about being the one in the dominating position. To this day, I’m the helpless victim in at least 95% of the time… but every once in a while I’m the aggressor.
It was my secret shame that I couldn’t share with anyone. I didn’t know anything about BDSM at the time, and thought I was the only one that felt like this. The internet didn’t exist yet, so information about kinks was nearly nonexistent.
As I matured, I discovered masturbation, and thoroughly enjoyed it. My fantasies were still of being helpless, but now they included pain. When I started reading more history and found out about medieval torture devices I added them to my dark fantasies. I’d deliberately cause myself pain during masturbation. Clothespins really helped here. I didn’t fantasize about girls. I didn’t fantasize about guys. I fantasized about being helpless and someone hurting me. I started imagining myself as a woman in these fantasies. To this day I’m always a woman in my dark fantasies.
A friend stole his father’s playboy, and I had a couple pictures from it. Once that happened, things changed a little. I’d start masturbation off by looking at the pictures, but I’d finish in my dark fantasies. I didn’t fantasize about having sex with the women in the pictures. They just gave a face and body to the dominating force in my fantasies. They dominated me and hurt me. I loved every minute of it.
After a few years I started having the occasional fantasy about being the one in the dominating position. To this day, I’m the helpless victim in at least 95% of the time… but every once in a while I’m the aggressor.
It was my secret shame that I couldn’t share with anyone. I didn’t know anything about BDSM at the time, and thought I was the only one that felt like this. The internet didn’t exist yet, so information about kinks was nearly nonexistent.
