I'm a man, and I'm happily married to the love of my life. We have been married for many years.
Any kink is difficult to explain to people that don't have it. Out of all kinks rape is one of the most difficult to explain and to understand.
My wife doesn't share my kinks, though I have talked with her about them. She knows about my dark fantasy life and understands well enough. She loves me as I am.
Thinking back, I can remember hiding under my bed and imaging being trapped, unable to move, completely helpless. It excited me. I didn't know what or why. I was so young that I didn't know anything about sex and had no idea that the excitement I felt was sexual. I'm not sure how young, but it was before I was a teenager, and long before the first time I masturbated.
As I matured, I discovered masturbation, and thoroughly enjoyed it. My fantasies were still of being helpless, but now they included pain. When I started reading more history and found out about medieval torture devices I added them to my dark fantasies. I'd deliberately cause myself pain during masturbation. Clothespins really helped here. I didn't fantasize about girls. I didn't fantasize about guys. I fantasized about being helpless and someone hurting me. I started imagining myself as a woman in these fantasies. To this day I'm always a woman in my dark fantasies.
A friend stole his father's playboy, and I had a couple pictures from it. Once that happened, things changed a little. I'd start masturbation off by looking at the pictures, but I'd finish in my dark fantasies. I didn't fantasize about having sex with the women in the pictures. They just gave a face and body to the dominating force in my fantasies. They dominated me and hurt me. I loved every minute of it.
After a few years I started having the occasional fantasy about being the one in the dominating position. To this day, I'm the helpless victim in at least 95% of the time… but every once in a while I'm the aggressor.
It was my secret shame that I couldn't share with anyone. I didn't know anything about BDSM at the time, and thought I was the only one that felt like this. The internet didn't exist yet, so information about kinks was nearly nonexistent.
I learned to let go of the shame. Kinks are just that strange - and there is nothing bad about having a strange kink. It's still not something I would talk to anyone about face to face, but that's not because I'm ashamed of it... I just know that most people wouldn't understand.
I understand the difference between fantasy and reality. The idea of rape and torture isn't the same thing as the reality. For me it's actually very simple. In fantasies no one is harmed, no one is in real danger, and no one is actually helpless.
I know that some people out there that would like to actually be raped. I think that's a mistake. Because of the very real danger… I do understand the draw, but CNC* makes much more sense to me.
I have no interest in actually being tortured.
I have no interest in actually being raped.
I have no interest in actually causing someone else pain.
I have no interest in actually raping someone.
(Excluding consensual play… but my wife isn't interested, and I would never cheat on her.)
I've always been this way. I don't have a tragic past. I've never been raped or abused. My childhood was a good one and I always knew both of my parents loved me - though they are very conservative.
My stories are all fantasies that will only appeal to people with kinks like mine. I do everything in my power to make sure that anyone reading my stories understands exactly what is coming. If it's not your kink, then don't expect to enjoy them. Just leave my site, and find something else to read.
* In this context CNC is "Consent non-consent". This is setting up an agreement with someone where you are specifically giving consent for that person to ignore any "No" you express and to use force. This is done to set up a scene where the victim can feel like they are really being raped and used, while still having the protection of it being a fantasy. It takes an extreme amount of trust on both sides - and I'd recommend a safe word! I've never done it, but I understand the draw...