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Excellent sentences

Quasirandom 🚫

I've just come across, in the final chapter of Zalezac's Thunder and Lightening, the closest thing I've met to a perfect sentence anywhere on SOL:

She was wearing a thick flannel nightgown that was so far from sexy that it was sexy.

It's got that just-right balance between rhythm and content, and between familiar and striking, and between objective and full of characterization. Plus "flannel" is such a lovely word. I love that sentence to pieces. One day, if I keep practicing, I'll be able to make sentences like that least once a story, and if I try really hard, once a chapter -- or so I tell myself.

What other examples of excellent single sentences have you met lately?

Replies: joyR awnlee jawking irvmull CB TeNderLoin Dominions Son awnlee jawking red61544 Rev_Cotton_Mather

joyR 🚫

@Quasirandom

"Schrödinger did it for the pussy."

Replies: Dominions Son Quasirandom

Dominions Son 🚫
Updated:

@joyR

"Schrödinger did it for the pussy."

But did he do it for the live pussy or the dead pussy?

Replies: bk69

bk69 🚫

@Dominions Son

But did he do it for the live pussy or the dead pussy?

Yes

Replies: Grey Wolf

Grey Wolf 🚫

@bk69

One could say that Schrödinger is most famous for thinking a lot about pussy.

Quasirandom 🚫

@joyR

Heh. And heh.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Quasirandom

She was wearing a thick flannel nightgown that was so far from sexy that it was sexy.

Don't you think using 'that' twice in the same sentence is rather clunky?

AJ

Replies: Quasirandom

Quasirandom 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Don't you think using 'that' twice in the same sentence is rather clunky?

Nope. It reinforces the parallelism of the two clauses, as well as gives the rhythm a ruggedness that helps reinforce the meaning.

irvmull 🚫

@Quasirandom

Leave out the first "that" and see if it isn't better.

Replies: Switch Blayde

Switch Blayde 🚫

@irvmull

Leave out the first "that" and see if it isn't better.

You can't leave out the first "that" unless you leave out the first "that was" and replace it with a comma.

She was wearing a thick flannel nightgown, so far from sexy that it was sexy.

But then you can get rid of both "that"s.

She was wearing a thick flannel nightgown, so far from sexy it was sexy.

But the "that"s in the original work fine for me.

I would usually write "wore" rather than "was wearing," but it depends.

Replies: joyR Quasirandom markselias11 richardshagrin

joyR 🚫

@Switch Blayde

I would usually write "wore" rather than "was wearing," but it depends.

If she was wearing 'depends' you'd find her sexy?

Replies: Dominions Son daisydesiree

Dominions Son 🚫

@joyR

If she was wearing 'depends' you'd find her sexy?

There are people into the adult baby thing.

Judge not the kinks of other lest your kinks also be judged.

daisydesiree 🚫

@joyR

Guys think girls are sexy in just about anything. I could never feel sexy in adult underwear. The only advantage is for a guy since it's tear off underwear but the girl's wetness may not be arousal! : (

Replies: StarFleet Carl

StarFleet Carl 🚫

@daisydesiree

Guys think girls are sexy in just about anything.

Anything or nothing, really doesn't matter to us.

You know the old saying from guys. Once you've seen one pair of tits, you want to see them all.

Quasirandom 🚫

@Switch Blayde

I would usually write "wore" rather than "was wearing," but it depends

Divorced of any context, I agree. In context, though, continuing aspect was entirely appropriate.

Replies: Switch Blayde

Switch Blayde 🚫

@Quasirandom

Divorced of any context, I agree. In context, though, continuing aspect was entirely appropriate.

That's why I said "it depends."

markselias11 🚫

@Switch Blayde

I would usually write "wore" rather than "was wearing," but it depends.

In this case it's about perspective. Yes both "was wearing" and "wore" are past tense, but it's more than that. If you use the phrase "was wearing" it gives you the perspective that you are living the story THROUGH the narrator rather than "wore" which, at least in my opinion, comes across more as a storyteller giving you information.

It's a slight difference but definitely noticeable.

richardshagrin 🚫

@Switch Blayde

I would usually write "wore" rather than "was wearing," but it depends.

You wouldn't want to write "she whore". Unless her virtue was financially negotiable.

Replies: bk69

bk69 🚫

@richardshagrin

You wouldn't want to write "she whore"

Of course not, it would be redundant. 'Whore' is by default female - a guy would be a "man 'ho"

Also, in other uses it would be "she whored..."

Replies: Radagast

Radagast 🚫

@bk69

A whore charges, a man 'ho does it for free. A man 'ho is a slut, a gigolo is a whore. Most professionals are freelance casuals. The English language is so imprecise.

CB 🚫

@Quasirandom

I went from admiring the OP's perfect sentence reference to now doubtful and confused. So... back to normal.

TeNderLoin 🚫

@Quasirandom

Yeah, That's a GREAT sentence!!!

Replies: awnlee jawking

awnlee jawking 🚫

@TeNderLoin

Yeah, That's a GREAT sentence!!!

(Doing my best imitation of Christine Keeler) Well, you would say that, wouldn't you!

If it were an absolutely dire sentence, you would have changed it.

AJ

Replies: Ernest Bywater StarFleet Carl

Ernest Bywater 🚫

@awnlee jawking

If it were an absolutely dire sentence, you would have changed it.

I'm surprised he didn't want to add a few commas.

Replies: bk69

bk69 🚫

@Ernest Bywater

More than two would've been overdoing it.

Replies: Ernest Bywater

Ernest Bywater 🚫

@bk69

More than two would've been overdoing it.

But Jim likes to have a comma about every 5th word.

Replies: bk69

bk69 🚫

@Ernest Bywater

More than two would've been overdoing it.

But Jim likes to have a comma about every 5th word.

Clearly, I would hope, my injunction, or at least caution, against more than two commas, at least as expressed, would not imply this is true in all sentences, but merely in one which, in all other respects, was identical to the example.

Replies: Radagast

Radagast 🚫

@bk69

Channeling Sir Humphrey?

StarFleet Carl 🚫
Updated:

@awnlee jawking

If it were an absolutely dire sentence, you would have changed it.

It's not like he couldn't do that, right?

ETA :)

Replies: awnlee jawking

awnlee jawking 🚫

@StarFleet Carl

It's not like he couldn't do that, right?

I wish you'd used a smiley, otherwise it comes across as sarcastic.

NB @TeNderLoin's edit and reissue of the story on Finestories was completed last September but the SOL version dates back to 2004 so presumably it's not the latest.

AJ

Replies: StarFleet Carl

StarFleet Carl 🚫

@awnlee jawking

I wish you'd used a smiley, otherwise it comes across as sarcastic.

Edited and added.

Jim's a good guy, I'm probably with everyone in wishing that he didn't have to be the only one with Lazlo's stories. Never met Lazlo in person, of course, but I miss his writing and his contributions to the art.

Dominions Son 🚫

@Quasirandom

Schrödinger's uncertainty principle: You can't know whether the pussy is alive or dead until you let it out of the bag.

Replies: ndenyal

ndenyal 🚫

@Dominions Son

Schrödinger's uncertainty principle

That's Werner Heisenberg. Schrödinger's cat is about quantum superpositioning.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Quasirandom

I wouldn't call them excellent sentences but I am aware of other instances of the same device (someone gave the proper name for it but I can't remember it).

Cult films are often described as: "so bad they're good" - 'Plan 9 From Outer Space' springs to mind.

And, particularly relevant to an erotic literature site: "the pleasure was so intense it was (almost) painful". Presumably the opposite also applies but you'd have to ask someone like DS about that ;-)

AJ

Replies: bk69 Radagast

bk69 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Presumably the opposite also applies

"[...]the pain got good to him." (Spider Robinson. Not sure which of the Callahan's books it was from...)

Replies: Radagast

Radagast 🚫

@bk69

Spider would fit in here. He wrote a long essay called 'Spider Against the Hax of Sol III' on his time as a book reviewer.

Radagast 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Tv Tropes lists 'So Bad its Good' and a sub genre, 'Narm', for melodrama that becomes unintentionally funny, named after a character who is having a stroke and says 'numb arm, narm, narm, narm'.

red61544 🚫

@Quasirandom

"She was wearing a thick flannel nightgown which was so far from sexy that it was sexy."

The best thing about English is there is always another word!

Rev_Cotton_Mather 🚫

@Quasirandom

Well...

I was once doing a Flash challenge for Ruthie's (anybody remember her pay story site?). I forget who was helping me edit my story - Mr. Slot maybe? -, but the challenge was to write a complete story, with characters, within 100 words. I wrote a delightful story, but couldn't get it down under 110. Slot took the story and pared it down to something like 97 words, with no problem.

For those of you who want to be wordsmiths, writing 100 word stories will sharpen you up.

RCM

Replies: awnlee jawking Switch Blayde Quasirandom

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Rev_Cotton_Mather

For those of you who want to be wordsmiths, writing 100 word stories will sharpen you up.

I think some forum posters should start with something a little less ambitious - trying to keep their forum posts under 100 words. ;-)

AJ

Replies: joyR

joyR 🚫

@awnlee jawking

I think

Go take your meds AJ, you're doing it again..!!

:)

Switch Blayde 🚫

@Rev_Cotton_Mather

For those of you who want to be wordsmiths, writing 100 word stories will sharpen you up.

I wrote "Coming Home" for a Writer's Digest contest that restricted me to 750 words or less. Talk about hard. It was the hardest writing I ever did.

Quasirandom 🚫

@Rev_Cotton_Mather

A complete story,
exactly one-hundred words—
harder than haiku?

Replies: Rev_Cotton_Mather

Rev_Cotton_Mather 🚫

@Quasirandom

Haiku can be difficult also. Don't forget your characters though, and your audience. Yikes!

Replies: Ernest Bywater

Ernest Bywater 🚫

@Rev_Cotton_Mather

Haiku can be difficult also.

Is that the Japanese greeting Bond gives his equipment supplier?

Replies: Dominions Son

Dominions Son 🚫

@Ernest Bywater

@Rev_Cotton_Mather

Haiku can be difficult also.

Is that the Japanese greeting Bond gives his equipment supplier?

No, it's Samurai Jack greeting the immortal, demonic wizard who is his main foe.

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Excellent sentences

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