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The smacking of children.

Pixy I 🚫

The BBC is desperately trying to avoid saying anything about all the bad behaviour that refugees are indulging themselves in lately, so the BBC is trying to find unproblematic news on which to report, and one subject they have decided is unproblematic is that the smacking of children is bad.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2eyke83yz9o

So there I was, reading it as my toenails were sharpened into lethal talons, and I couldn't help but wonder if those involved are totally detached from reality.

The TLDR is that researchers have pulled some figures from the dark recesses of their arses to back up their theory that smacking children reduces their intellectual capability.

I have a counter theory.

My counter is that the little shits, are actual little shits, and their little shitability is the very thing that caused them to be smacked in the first place.

Had they not been smacked, their lack of intellectual prowess would still be the same; it's just that 'researchers' would just have to find another 'excuse' for the little darlings being twats.

Some young 'uns are just born bad.

jps71 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

I agree most heartily it was one of the worst things they ever did banning smacking/using the cane at school, getting a clip round the earhole for being a little twat by the local copper.

Now you can't even look in the little bastards direction without being in the wrong.

Replies:   samt26
samt26 🚫

@jps71

In the US if someone attempted to 'use the cane' they be shot.

Michael Loucks 🚫

@Pixy I

The 'smacking (spanking in American English) caused this' idea is the same brand of logical nonsense that created the 'marijuana is a gateway drug' nonsense.

'Researchers' trot out something like "100% of cocaine users started by using marijuana" and use that to claim marijuana should be illegal, but ignore the fact 99% of marijuana users never touched cocaine.

The world is full of statistical nonsense touted as fact, and it's often used to support 'post hoc, ergo proper hoc' logical fallacies. We see it ALL the time (cf claims about video games, rock music, D&D, and just about any other thing someone has their knickers in a knot about).

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Pixy I

the smacking of children is bad

The alternative is soft parenting, and look at the mess that's causing.

AJ

Replies:   rustyken
rustyken 🚫

@awnlee jawking

I am not sure I understand the usage of the word 'smacking' in this discussion. To me 'smacking' is striking a person on the face or head. While 'spanking' is applying the hand forcefully to the butt. To me the latter is the preferred way to get a child's attention to remedy unsuitable behavior. But perhaps I misunderstood the usage.

Michael Loucks 🚫

@rustyken

I am not sure I understand the usage of the word 'smacking' in this discussion.

As noted in my response, spanking/smacking are US/UK usages with the same basic meaning.

In British English, "smacking a child" typically refers to striking a child with an open hand, often (but not always exclusively) on the buttocks, as a form of corporal punishment or discipline.

Smacking can also refer to a quick slap on the hand, arm, or leg, but in child discipline discussions, it overwhelmingly means bottom-smacking

In American English, "spanking a child" means exactly the same thing: slapping the buttocks with an open hand (or sometimes an implement) for punishment.

Switch Blayde 🚫

@Michael Loucks

In American … slapping the buttocks with an open hand (or sometimes an implement)

Not an implement.

I believe in the U.S. if you use something other than your open hand, like a belt, it's child abuse. And the hand has to be open. A fist is abuse. It also can't leave marks, like welts for it not to be abuse.

Replies:   julka  Michael Loucks
julka 🚫

@Switch Blayde

Hmm, fascinating! Would you tell a woman that her husband slapping her in the face with an open hand that she isn't the victim of abuse and that he needs to leave a mark or strike her with a fist before she's been abused? What other forms of violence don't count as abuse?

Replies:   Mushroom
Mushroom 🚫

@julka

Hmm, fascinating! Would you tell a woman that her husband slapping her in the face with an open hand that she isn't the victim of abuse and that he needs to leave a mark or strike her with a fist before she's been abused?

That is a fully grown adult, very different than a child.

I have spanked my kids, most specifically when they did something that could endanger themselves or others. Like when my oldest once grabbed the steak knife off the counter and started to run away with it.

I can not imagine a full grown adult doing anything even remotely like that. Or throwing a rock at their siblings head. Or kicking an animal because they were bored.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Mushroom

Aaah, okay - what I'm hearing you say is that it's okay for adults to hit children, but it's not okay for adults to hit other adults, is that correct? If so, I have followup questions for you! If not, I'd appreciate a clarification of your taxonomy of violence.

Or kicking an animal because they were bored.

It's heartening that you think adults abusing animals is unthinkable but I've got some real bad news for you about the state of the real world and the adults in it.

Michael Loucks 🚫

@Switch Blayde

Not an implement.

I believe in the U.S. if you use something other than your open hand, like a belt, it's child abuse. And the hand has to be open. A fist is abuse. It also can't leave marks, like welts for it not to be abuse.

FFS, I was DEFINING the term, not passing moral judgment. My definition was correct. Your supposed correction isn't.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Michael Loucks

In American English, "spanking a child"

I can understand the American revulsion for spanking children because, as many SOL stories show, spanking gives the spankee an uncontrollable urge to have sex with the spanker. :-)

AJ

awnlee jawking 🚫

@rustyken

I am not sure I understand the usage of the word 'smacking' in this discussion.

I'm not an expert but, anecdotally, the most popular version of smacking in the UK is a gentle slap on the legs.

AJ

julka 🚫

@Pixy I

Hmm, fascinating. Tell me, do you think that child abuse is merely net neutral in terms of outcomes for children being physically abused, or do you think that in fact the child might even benefit from being physically abused by the adults around them who have been charged by society with keeping that child safe?

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

I think it's a very complex issue and one in which the answer is personal and subject dependent(ie, the required cooperative behaviour needs to be tailored to the problematic individual).

Vincent Berg's response hits the nail on the proverbial head (for me), as I do believe that children need to learn, from a young age, that actions have consequences.

Speak to any UK teacher in any UK school and they will tell you that many kids are 'feral' and the reason why they are feral, is because they (the kids) know full well, that there will be no consequences for their actions/behaviour.

Equally, some kids are innocent and their parents are psychopaths. For instance, after a visit to the dentist when I was a child (my age was in single digits), where the dentist remarked that my brushing could be 'improved', my darling mother took it as a personal insult as to her ability to 'parent'. In retaliation to my ignorance as to why brushing ones teeth is a good thing (I didn't see the point to brushing as the damn things were falling out anyway- due to the natural cycle of losing 'baby teeth') She, for many weeks after, used to 'clean' my teeth with an assortment of wire wool, Brillo pads and Cif/Jif on a toothbrush (for those who live elsewhere in the world, Cif/Jif is a white paste used for cleaning ovens).

It's a miracle that I have a face, let alone a mouthful of teeth as I type this.

I was pinched, smacked, belted, caned, slapped and starved as child/early teen. Was some of that deserved? Yes, yes it was. But not all of it.

julka 🚫

@Pixy I

Hmm, fascinating! I was unaware that the only way to enforce consequences on a child was by abusing them! I'm not sure I understand the complexities, it seems very straightforward to me? Hang on, I'll review my notes… some children are "little shits" who are "just born bad", and thus are acceptable targets for adults to abuse, and this abuse confers no harm on the child, despite some evidence that it leads the children to grow up thinking that abusing children is an acceptable thing to do.

What a shame for those children! I suppose this does help me see the complexities, though - are the children perhaps born under a bad star and thus doomed to exist in the cycle of physical abuse, or is there some other indication? I wonder if children can be marked at the hospital during one of the post-birth checks with a little note saying "this is a baby you can slap, nobody will mind" and then the pediatrician will know not to bother asking the child how they're doing or if they feel safe with the adults around them?

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

some children are "little shits" who are "just born bad", and thus are acceptable targets for adults to abuse, and this abuse confers no harm on the child,

I did not say that, as you well know. If you are going to try and troll, then make an effort about it or just don't bother.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

I beg your pardon? You absolutely did say those exact words, in your very first post that started the whole thread. Here are the last three paragraphs of your post, reproduced in full for your consideration.

My counter is that the little shits, are actual little shits, and their little shitability is the very thing that caused them to be smacked in the first place.

Had they not been smacked, their lack of intellectual prowess would still be the same; it's just that 'researchers' would just have to find another 'excuse' for the little darlings being twats.

Some young 'uns are just born bad.

That's why I put quotes around the phrase "little shits" and "just born bad", I was quite explicitly quoting your own phrasing to make sure I wasn't putting words in your mouth. How is it trolling to accurately and faithfully represent the exact statements you made?

Replies:   Pixy I  Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

I beg your pardon? You absolutely did say those exact words,

What, the words that you claim that I said it was acceptable to physically abuse children? (and I quote you here)

and thus are acceptable targets for adults to abuse, and this abuse confers no harm on the child, despite some evidence that it leads the children to grow up thinking that abusing children is an acceptable thing to do.

No, if you go back and read my OP, you see that my stance is that some children are just born bad and there is nothing to be done about it, and that it is their behaviour that leads to them being punished. Here it is;

My counter is that the little shits, are actual little shits, and their little shitability is the very thing that caused them to be smacked in the first place.

Nothing in that says that "children are acceptable to be hit." What it (my post) does say, is that children should be allowed to learn that their actions have consequences. If a child pours boiling water over themselves, is it the kettle's fault? Of course not. Is it the parents fault for allowing them to do so? Possibly, but as all parents know, if a child is determined to do something, they will do it, regardless of your actions to prevent it. Some children, when told pouring boiling water over themselves is a bad idea, will take that on board and not do it, even without experiencing it first hand. Some children need to actually do it, to learn that it's a bad idea.

What you have done Julka, is you have read a statement, and then overlaid your own bias on top and are now cherry-picking words out of context in a desperate attempt to reinforce both your own personal bias (because you have been called out) and your desire to force that bias upon others.

How is it trolling to accurately and faithfully represent the exact statements you made?

That's just it. You didn't accurately or faithfully represent my opinion. You took two plus two, and concluded that it equals three thousand and forty six.

I was unaware that the only way to enforce consequences on a child was by abusing them! I'm not sure I understand the complexities

No, as I said above, children should be allowed to be held accountable for their consequences, and yes, you are quite correct, you don't appear to understand the complexities and I am not best placed to help you with that.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

It's strange, you say

it is their behaviour that leads to them being punished.

And go on to quote yourself, but in the quote, you don't say "punished". You say "smacked" in the original quote. So let's not confuse terms - you're not saying that children inherently act out in ways which lead them to have privileges taken away, for example; you very clearly assert that some children are born bad and that this inherent badness leads them to be hit by the adults around them.

And then you do this weird thing where you take a natural consequence like getting burned when you pour hot water on yourself, and conclude that some children simply have to do a thing before they learn the thing is bad; it's left unstated what this means in terms of parents hitting their kids, so maybe you could explain to me if the parent is the kettle in this analogy, or maybe you're trying to tell me that some parents just have an uncontrollable reflex that makes them hit their kids?

You seem to feel like I'm deliberately misunderstanding you, which I assure you is not the case; remember that I did ask you if you felt like physically abusing children was a net neutral or if it was a positive and your answer was "it's a very complex issue", which can mean a lot of things but most assuredly does not mean "physically abusing children by hitting them is bad" which is a thing that you could have said and chose not to, hence my characterisation of your argument to which you took exception.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

And go on to quote yourself, but in the quote, you don't say "punished". You say "smacked" in the original quote.

That could be regional. Smacking is a form of punishment, so yes, I do use those two words interchangeably. It's still not a statement that I am in favour of it, so please stop alluding that it is the case.

you very clearly assert that some children are born bad and that this inherent badness leads them to be hit by the adults around them

That is correct. You repeatedly prod an otherwise placid dog, eventually it's going to get pissed off at you and snap at you. Is it the dog's fault or the individual annoying the dog? It's the same with humans, regardless of the age of the two parties. Should the adult respond better? For sure, no argument there. Is a baby responsible for it's perpetual crying? No. Is it the responsibility of any mentally capable individual in it's presence to find out why it's crying? Yes.

There is another issue here, which should be considered, which is complicit-ness and the age of it. As the majority of parents will tell you, the vast majority of children are well aware of the 'fine line' and where it lies. There are hundreds of reasons as to why a child will willingly cross that line, which is why each case should be considered on it's own merit. But the majority of children are well aware of the specific results for crossing that line. The response to that crossing will vary from child to child and will affect that child's personal decision to cross that line.

And then you do this weird thing where you take a natural consequence like getting burned when you pour hot water on yourself, and conclude that some children simply have to do a thing before they learn the thing is bad; it's left unstated what this means in terms of parents hitting their kids

Actions have consequences, nothing weird about it. However I can't stop you from thinking that's weird. It's a simple conclusion. Some people know that setting yourself on fire is going to be a bad idea, some need to do so, to find that out because they don't believe the person that tells them "Don't set yourself on fire, it's a bad idea." It's

left unstated what this means in terms of parents hitting their kids

because the post wasn't about the right or wrong (however perceived) of kids being punished, but on the possible effects of such punishment on their subsequent educational ability.

You have taken a conversation about pears and are trying to make it about apples. That's totally on you.

or maybe you're trying to tell me that some parents just have an uncontrollable reflex that makes them hit their kids?

No, I'm merely saying to you, stop taking a conversation about one thing and trying to twist it to something else. See my previous point about apples and pears.

You seem to feel like I'm deliberately misunderstanding you, which I assure you is not the case;

this post was about the alluded effects of certain parental punishments upon the subsequent educational ability of a child, so yes, you are deliberately misunderstanding the point. It was never about the right or wrong of the punishment, whatever that punishment was.

remember that I did ask you if you felt like physically abusing children was a net neutral or if it was a positive and your answer was "it's a very complex issue",

Which it is. I'm not a child psychologist, so I cannot make clinical diagnoses on cases I have no knowledge of.

which can mean a lot of things but most assuredly does not mean "physically abusing children by hitting them is bad"

Correct.

which is a thing that you could have said and chose not to

Because it was not the point of the conversation, and as I have stated above, I am not a child psychologist, so my opinion on the matter either way, is irrelevant. But again, you have read something and have decided it to mean something else. That is your decision, not mine. I am not qualified to help you with your decision making process.

to which you took exception.

Incorrect. I took exception to you changing a subject to something else and your inference of an opinion attributed to me (by you) that I do not agree with. Which I am perfectly entitled to take exception with.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

Is it the dog's fault or the individual annoying the dog?

Humans aren't dogs (nor are they kettles) so I'm not sure what your point is here. Is it a way of alluding, without explicitly stating, that children who get hit by adults bear some amount of responsibility for getting hit? That seems like a weird statement to make, since adults have control of their own actions and a fully developed prefrontal cortex that the child lacks. But since you don't clarify what you mean here, and similarly failed to clarify when you made the weird allusion about pouring boiling water on yourself, I'm left trying to read between the lines of your words. It would be helpful if you simply made straightforward statements, instead of trying to dress them up in nonsensical comparisons and metaphors.

Actions have consequences, nothing weird about it. However I can't stop you from thinking that's weird.

There's nothing weird about actions having consequences; as I said, what's weird is that you're taking a natural consequence (eg getting burned when you pour hot water on yourself) and in some way trying (I assume) to compare it to an unnatural consequence of a child getting hit by their caretaker. The reason this comparison falls apart is because a kettle has no agency in pouring water, while an adult absolutely has agency when they hit a child, and that's why I observed that the comparison was weird. You seemed to misread this as me saying that consequences themselves are weird. I don't know how you did that.

Because it was not the point of the conversation, and as I have stated above, I am not a child psychologist, so my opinion on the matter either way, is irrelevant.

You're not a researcher either and yet you seem to have no problem forming an opinion on whether or not hitting kids leads to them struggling academically.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

Humans aren't dogs

But we are mammals, just like dogs.

Is it a way of alluding, without explicitly stating, that children who get hit by adults bear some amount of responsibility for getting hit?

Need more context and age of the child. Cause and effect. If you absolve children of all responsibility for their actions, are you not setting them up for future disavowal?

since adults have control of their own actions

So do children (babies obviously exempt from that). Or are you implying that they are guided and controlled by a third party? It should be noted that different societies have different opinions as at which point a 'child' becomes an 'adult'

But since you don't clarify what you mean here,

Apologies, but I am not responsible for your current level of comprehension and astuteness.

and similarly failed to clarify

See previous response.

and in some way trying (I assume)

And there we have it. Try less 'assuming' because it makes an ass out of etc etc...

I'm left trying to read between the lines of your words

I would recommend not doing so, as you appear, like your assuming, to be making rather a mess of it so far.

a kettle has no agency in pouring water

I didn't say it did.

while an adult absolutely has agency when they hit a child

Agreed.

That's why I observed that the comparison was weird

Understandable, since you decided that a human and kettle have the same agency in the act of pouring.

I don't know

That is becoming a bit of a theme at this point.

you seem to have no problem forming an opinion,

Thankyou.

on whether or not hitting kids leads to them struggling academically

To correct you (yet again) my 'opinion' was on the causation the report had deemed applicable between the relationship of academic ability and the experience of childhood punishment. In my role as a 'non-researcher', I pointed out the failure of the 'researchers' to consider the possibility that the subjects' reduced educational ability may not have been down to nurture but nature, and that there was a strong case for the 'researchers' already having decided the result before any research had been started. What they were simply doing, in effect, was adjusting the final result(s) to accommodate their own prior bias.

There is even a big fancy phrase for that. Conformational bias. Not that I would know anything about it, not being a researcher and all that...

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

But we are mammals, just like dogs.

Yes? Children, like dogs, are mammals. If you hit a dog because it misbehaves, you're physically abusing the dog.

If you absolve children of all responsibility for their actions, are you not setting them up for future disavowal?

Nobody has said (or at least, I certainly haven't said) that children should be absolved of all responsibilities for their actions, so this is kind of apropos of nothing, but gimme just a second because I do have thoughts on this.

So do children (babies obviously exempt from that). Or are you implying that they are guided and controlled by a third party? It should be noted that different societies have different opinions as at which point a 'child' becomes an 'adult'

This was in response to my assertion that adults are in control of their actions, and you brought up an interesting point, challenging me on the fact that children are also in control of their actions.

And I would argue that actually, no, children are not in control of their actions to the same extent that adults are. The extreme case you present, with children being controlled by some third party, is obviously not the case (and nor is it the case that children exist in a fugue state, fully disconnected from their actions until some predetermined age), but like, consider a child for a brief moment.

First of all, we can trivially say that a young child is less in control of their actions than an adult is because they don't have the same level of motor skill development. Children trip over their own feet way more often than adults do, are generally clumsier, drop things, and it's not really something you can assign blame for because doing all of those things is just part and parcel of how you learn to not do those things.

Second of all, we can less trivially say that children of all ages are less in control of their actions than an adult is because the brain is what controls actions and the brain does not finish developing until your mid twenties. So for example, when a young child has a tantrum and starts screaming, that is a failure of the young child to successfully regulate their emotions. Part of the reason the child fails to do that is because the part of their brain that regulates emotions is still developing. If you hit a child because they have a tantrum, you are hitting them because they are failing to exercise a skill they don't have. When a teenager does something impulsive and stupid, part of the reason they're doing the impulsive and stupid thing is because the part of the brain that manages impulse control isn't fully developed.

This is why I say that the adult is in control of their actions - a child is literally lacking the tool to do the right thing, their brain hasn't gotten there yet, and so the responsibility falls to the adult to step in and help the child by exercising the skill that the child lacks.

That's not to say that children should be shielded from the consequences of their actions! Children should absolutely experience consequnces, it's part of the learning process, but there is no natural connection between "a child has a tantrum and starts throwing things" and "a child gets slapped by their parents". All that's happened in that case is that a child failed to regulate their emotions, a thing that their brain is still trying to work out how to do, and then their parent decided to hit them for the sin of not being an adult. There are consequences that can exist outside the space of physical abuse that a parent can, and should, make use of.

Apologies, but I am not responsible for your current level of comprehension and astuteness.

And there we have it. Try less 'assuming' because it makes an ass out of etc etc...

This would be a fantastic burn except I was very explicitly saying "I don't understand what your point is here, this is the meaning that I'm drawing from your sentence but I have asked for clarification several times". Like, yeah, assuming is bad, that's why I told you that I wasn't clear on what you were trying to say. You're not burning me, you're just refusing to engage in good faith here.

I pointed out the failure of the 'researchers' to consider the possibility that the subjects' reduced educational ability may not have been down to nurture but nature, and that there was a strong case for the 'researchers' already having decided the result before any research had been started. What they were simply doing, in effect, was adjusting the final result(s) to accommodate their own prior bias.

No you didn't. You said "here is the conclusion presented by the researchers" and then you said "here is my counter theory". You said nothing about details that the researchers failed to take into account, just that if your theory was correct, the researcher would have found some other reason that their children were underperforming. You can go look at the words you wrote, they're right up there.

What they were simply doing, in effect, was adjusting the final result(s) to accommodate their own prior bias.

There is even a big fancy phrase for that. Conformational bias. Not that I would know anything about it, not being a researcher and all that...

I think the term you're looking for here is "confirmation bias"? I don't know what "conformational bias" is, but "confirmation bias" is when you look for interpretations of data that support (or confirm, you might say) your own pre-existing beliefs (or biases, you might say).

Pixy I 🚫

@julka

I should also clarify, that the OP wasn't actually about the perceived rights or wrongs of various punishments, it was actually about whether or not those punishments would then go on to have an effect upon the individual's capacity for learning.

The authors of the link I posted believed it did. I was and remain sceptical of that, as they don't back up their stance with any tangible independent data. I believe they simply saw an 'effect' and went out looking for a 'cause' and picked one they have decided is plausible without any apparent proof or in-depth research.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

I should also clarify, that the OP wasn't actually about the perceived rights or wrongs of various punishments

Yes, your original post hints at a stance but does not make it explicit; this is why I opened my line of thought by explicitly asking you if you felt that abusing children was simply a neutral activity or in fact one that was beneficial for the child being abused, in an effort to clarify what your post implies. As you may recall, you hemmed and hawed about "it's a complex issue" and how what works for one child might not work for another, and did a fantastic job of twisting yourself around in circles to try and find a way to avoid saying "hitting kids is bad" while also, for some inexplicable reason, not willing to actually commit yourself to the statement "hitting kids can be good".

I don't know why you're so afraid to own the position you've been tip-toeing around! I have suspicions, of course, but I'm not privy to your internal state, and that's why I have to ask questions like "do you think hitting a kid is a good thing for that kid"

I'm clearly not the only person who picked up on the subtext of your post, note how the very first response quite literally states that the banning of physical abuse of children by teachers in schools is one of "the worst things they ever did", and I can't help but notice that I'm the only person you're trying to call out and say "well uh actually the original post made no moral judgement on hitting kids", which feels like such an odd coincidence. I can't help but read something into that.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

your original post hints

That is your opinion.

at a stance but does not make it explicit

because it's irrelevant to the topic.

in an effort to clarify what your post implies.

So as to help you, I was implying nothing.

you hemmed and hawed

Your opinion and your words.

"it's a complex issue"

Is it not? Are you saying one decision is going to be the perfect solution to every individual case out there?

while also, for some inexplicable reason, not willing to actually commit yourself to the statement "hitting kids can be good

Seems like you answered your own question.

I don't know why you're so afraid to own the position you've been tip-toeing around!

Possibly because I'm neither afraid, nor have a 'position'?

but I'm not privy to your internal state

Likewise.

I can't help but notice that I'm the only person you're trying to call out

Incorrect. You have decided on a thing, and your decision is incorrect. I am merely correcting your misinterpretations.

the original post made no moral judgement on hitting kids

Correct, it didn't. That is up to the parents and associated children.

I can't help but read something into that

As stated previously, I am not qualified to help you with your either your decision-making or how you process information.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

That is your opinion.

It seems to be an opinion shared by other people who chimed in to say that hitting kids is good (or that the alternative to hitting kids is bad), so if it wasn't what you were trying to hint at, you seem to have failed.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

It seems to be an opinion shared by other people

Yet, it's still opinion, not fact.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

Yet, it's still opinion, not fact.

this is why I opened my line of thought by explicitly asking you if you felt that abusing children was simply a neutral activity or in fact one that was beneficial for the child being abused, in an effort to clarify what your post implies.

I think you missed this part, so I quoted it again for you because you're getting really hung up on some weird stuff.

Edit: you also like to keep getting hung up on "the original post wasn't about moral judgement of child abuse" in an effort to maintain that the conversation isn't about child abuse, but that seems a little rich considering that you didn't say to jps71 "woah hang on we're not talking about if hitting kids is good or bad" when he immediately jumped in with "yeah banning physical abuse was the worst thing the schools ever did" and when I directly asked you if child abuse was neutral or perhaps good you had a very long answer that said lots of things but definitely did not say "woah this is not the point of the post".

So the OP was not making a moral judgement on child abuse, but said moral judgement was absolutely the topic of the question you responded to and the ongoing conversation around your post. Literally not a single post has responded with thoughts about the researchers or the theory you deride.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Pixy I

Speak to any UK teacher in any UK school and they will tell you that many kids are 'feral' and the reason why they are feral, is because they (the kids) know full well, that there will be no consequences for their actions/behaviour.

A guide to soft parenting I read recently said that when a toddler is screaming and throwing things in an uncontrolled tantrum, it could be damaging to send them to the naughty step or a time-out room. Instead the parent should remove themselves to a quiet room until the tantrum seems to be over.

There was no advice on how to proceed if the tantrum is in a public place like a supermarket or restaurant.

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

It's truly a shame that over the course of thousands of years of human history, we've only discovered two forms of parenting: not maintaining any boundaries at all, and hitting your child. We can only dream of a magical third way, in which boundaries are expressed and maintained in a way that helps the child feel secure and safe, but sadly the only possible way to help a child understand that some behaviors are unacceptable is to hit them. This does raise the question of "is hitting people okay", and i'm sure that's a confusing one because the stated answer is "no, we don't hit people" but actually all the evidence presented to the child is "yes, you hit people when they do something you don't like", but i'm sure that over time the child will grow to understand the subtle nuances of hitting children and figure out the unspoken rules like "it's okay to hit somebody, but only if they are a child and if they have done something you don't like". Or maybe under Pixy's disavowed theory that "Some young 'uns are just born bad", the children who are being hit will learn to identify the other children being hit and understand that they represent a cohort of acceptable targets for violence, even inside the group, and just brutalize each other for any slight.

Truly what a magical world we could have if there was a way to enforce rules and structure without just hitting somebody. I feel like I've read books that talk about this secret technique of parenting, but I surely must have imagined it.

Replies:   Pixy
Pixy 🚫

@julka

Or maybe under Pixy's disavowed theory that "Some young 'uns are just born bad",

So are you stating that under no circumstances can a child be born bad and that they had to learn to be 'bad' and that it's not because of the specific way their synapses are wired? It's because of how they were treated as children by (insert reason of choice here).

I have to admit to being rather intrigued by your specific choice of words and the implied implication that I am acknowledging a disrupting reality, yet maintaining a personal belief at odds with that reality, concurrently toying with the possible resulting destiny of impending psychosis. Exciting stuff!

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy

I do not believe that a child can be "born" bad. For example, I would say that it's impossible for a newborn to cry out of malice - they simply don't have a developed enough theory of mind for it. An infant is still figuring out that they're a separate being from their mother, and the concept of misbehaving requires at least a step beyond that in terms of understanding that the rest of the world exists.

So if a newborn can't be bad, then badness must be generated at some point during growth and development. At some point, a child learns from their environment how to act, and what actions derive which responses. Some children will, for various inherent reasons, struggle with e.g. impulse control, but that doesn't make them inherently bad.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

So if a newborn can't be bad, then badness must be generated at some point during growth and development. At some point, a child learns from their environment how to act, and what actions derive which responses. Some children will, for various inherent reasons, struggle with e.g. impulse control, but that doesn't make them inherently bad.

And yet, children learn, without any outside influence, to lie.

Interestingly, as an aside, since we have already travelled a great distance from the original point, current AI models are frequently compared in behaviour to that of small children. Which is interesting, because they have found that recent AI models have now learned (without outside influence or being programmed to), to lie.

This is an intriguing development that has caught the eye of many child behavioural specialists, and indeed, the psychological community as a whole. Some very interesting papers on the subject currently doing the rounds.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

And yet, children learn, without any outside influence, to lie.

Yep! Lying and storytelling are pretty heavily connected, so this makes a lot of sense; human beings draw a lot of connection to stories so it's not a shocker that children discover the ability to tell stories instinctively. But "lying" doesn't automatically translate to "badness", and even if it did, no child is going to be fully free of sin their entire lives so observing that at some point, every child will do something bad doesn't actually confirm that some children are inherently bad.

solreader50 🚫

@Pixy I

Speak to any UK teacher in any UK school and they will tell you that many kids are 'feral' and the reason why they are feral, is because they (the kids) know full well, that there will be no consequences for their actions/behaviour.

My wife was, for 15 years until 2015 a UK Teacher, and since then a teacher in an International School in Europe. She would most definitely NOT tell you that many kids are 'feral'. And that the one or two which approach that status were as a result of parental abuse. My wife was disgusted but proud to have helped prosecute those parents and place the children in safer environments.

My own opinion is that all forms of physical punishment for children or adults is abuse. An abuse by the powerful over the vulnerable. Restraint when applied by trained persons is not a physical punishment.

Replies:   jimq2
jimq2 🚫

@solreader50

What do you call it when 4 children, 5+ years old, in a kindergarten class are still in diapers, refuse to sit quietly during story time, and grab toys from classmates. Three of them didn't even know their last name. None of them knew their home address or phone number or where their parents worked. All of that was a requirement when my kid started school.

Replies:   Bondi Beach
Bondi Beach 🚫
Updated:

@jimq2

What do you call it when 4 children, 5+ years old, in a kindergarten class are still in diapers, refuse to sit quietly during story time, and grab toys from classmates. Three of them didn't even know their last name. None of them knew their home address or phone number or where their parents worked. All of that was a requirement when my kid started school.

"Abused" comes to mind, followed by "neglected." In any event, I doubt corporal punishment is going to help them.

~ JBB

Grey Wolf 🚫

@Pixy I

This is hardly new, though - Dr. Spock (the baby book Spock :)) was vehemently opposed to spanking by 1985. That influenced several generations of parents. 'Spanking is Bad' has been dogma for more of my adult life.

Which explains why the BBC would think it's 'unproblematic.' While there's a fair bit of pushback (as a quick googling makes clear), it's 'pushback' because the 'establishment' view is strongly anti-spanking.

Note that Dr. Spock's argument was not based on statistics, but rather on the premise that spanking teaches children 'might makes right,' which is pretty clearly a bad lesson (vis: all of the people in the world today who seem to believe that, if you can do a thing, it's perfectly fine to do that thing if you're very, very rich and/or powerful, even if other people go to jail for doing the same thing).

Does it teach that, though? For that, you have to drop into statistics, and the jury seems to still be out.

Replies:   Vincent Berg  Radagast
Vincent Berg 🚫

@Grey Wolf

I'm more of an anti-spanking perspective. In certain cases, it is necessary, yet those cases are fairly restricted (a child ready to chase a lost ball into oncoming traffic), as the shock teases an immediate lesson about the inherent dangers.

Yet, there are some parents who habitually strike their kids, not because they're inherently bad or evil, just because that's their only alternative, as their entire perspective is "It's either my way, or the highway," which I heard repeatedly growing up.

Meanwhile, my father started out using physical punishments (forcing us to stand for hours, or holding heavy booksβ€”under the threat of a spankingβ€”yet he eventually gave that up as ultimately unproductive.

Instead, he switched to lectures, each time telling us, repeatedly, how disappointed he was in us and in our actions. During lose episodes, I'd much rather take a beating, as even that is preferable to those disappointment lectures.

That said, my mother had a standard response when we misbehaved in publicβ€”mainly during church, as my father was a Naval Chaplainβ€”so she'd squeeze our little finger, which was painful enough, yet trying to pull you hand free was vastly more painful, as was squirming in your seat.

What was worse, is that her little fingers were fairly misshapen (with her joins jutting out at odd angles), which invariably made us wonder what those punishment would do to our own fingers.

So, both of the punishments were quite simply way more effective than paddling, spanking or any physical punishments. Though I still approve of those impromptu punishments to protect younger children.

As far as the supposed "bad" children, I've also believed that problematic children are best dealt with by letting them face the consequences of their actionsβ€”even when that includes letting them failβ€”or if they storm out of the house, stating they never want to speak to us again, letting them do just that.

For my and my wife's part, our kids (actually her sister's kids, who her mother kept trying to manipulate them through guilt), when they threatened to call social services on us (a common comment on the time, since it was repeated on television shows fairly often), our response was "Fine. Go ahead, in fact, we'll make the call for you. But, once you do, you're on your own, meaning you'll go into foster care, likely bouncing from home to home. So, good luck with that."

You've never seen kids backtrack faster than that.

On the other hand, I'm also a believer in "addictive personalities", as I've seen it time and again, as some people are simply prone to additions, while others (my natural family) seem impervious to addictions. My brother, for example, smoked for years and drank heavily to keep up with his wife, yet when she fell during an argument, and everyone accused him of striking her, he quit both cold, never resuming either one.

Yet the other part of the 'addictive personalities', is that most people will actively search for their particular addiction, trying one, after another, after another, after another, until finally settling on their specific preferred addiction. And after that, they stick to that one addiction, rather than returning to any of the others they'd previously abandoned.

Thus, with our kids, we also had the whole 'addictive personality' lecture, again reminding them that, if they tried different things (we raised them as most Europeans did, where we introduced them to 'controlled' drinking at home, where we could monitor it rather than most American kids, who once they reached legal age (for us, first 18 and then later 21 to drink the exact same things we could legally drink the week before).

Needless to say, after trying that, while they were at home, waiting for us both to get off of work, they tried finishing off the open wine bottle, and it was clear they'd gotten drink.

So we then physically locked the liquor cabinet, but the experience had so terrified them, that they were always incredibly careful with all addictions afterwards.

Which brings up the other issue, as in most cases, most children labeled as "bad", are actually suffering from mental illnesses. So in those cases, physically punishing them, only confirms that view, so they then take it to hard, assuming they'll always be bad and they'll then double down, never holding back.

So, long story short, labeling kids as being "Bad"β€”especially if they're suffering from mental illnessesβ€”almost never works out.

Yet, in the end, I followed my father's tactics, relying on lecturing the kids, which did keep them on the straight and narrow.

In short, there really are no 'simple answers' to such problems, as they're often a combination of several different, overlapping factors.

Radagast 🚫

@Grey Wolf

IIRC Spock's kids said he was an awful parent. He probably used the Vulcan nerve pinch on them instead of spanking.

Replies:   Grey Wolf
Grey Wolf 🚫

@Radagast

I've heard that as well. But my point wasn't that Dr. Spock was a good parent, nor that his books were 'right.' My point was that he was highly influential and that several generations of parenting learned from them.

I'm not coming at this from a 'spanking good' or 'spanking bad' perspective (partly because even that requires an enormous amount of definition of terms), but rather simply from a 'Why did the BBC think this was an easy point to argue?' (assuming that's why they wrote what they wrote) perspective.

Radagast 🚫

@Pixy I

Prime Minister Starmer has riots caused by an attempted beheading by a 'refugee', nation wide protests against immigration and his Defense Secretary resigned, posting his resignation letter on the internet, which in oh so polite Whitehall Mandarin implied he was a coward, a liar, unable to lead and unwilling to defend the nation.
The BBC is the propaganda arm of His Majesty's Government. They probably had a version of that 'violence is bad' clickbait sitting on a 3.5 inch floppy since the 1990s, waiting for the day when they needed a distraction to divert water cooler (hot tea?) discourse from issues the government does not want discussed. And it worked. It's being discussed on an obscure forum for porn authors.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@Radagast

The BBC is the propaganda arm of His Majesty's Government. They probably had a version of that 'violence is bad' clickbait sitting on a 3.5 inch floppy since the 1990s, waiting for the day when they needed a distraction to divert water cooler (hot tea?) discourse from issues the government does not want discussed. And it worked. It's being discussed on an obscure forum for porn authors.

I am well aware of that, hence why I prefaced with;

The BBC is desperately trying to avoid saying anything about all the bad behaviour that refugees are indulging themselves in lately, so the BBC is trying to find unproblematic news on which to report, and one subject they have decided is unproblematic is that the smacking of children is bad.

TheDarkKnight 🚫

@Pixy I

I grew up in Florida in the 50's (1950's, not 1850's, I'm not that old), where corporal punishment wasn't just permitted, it was a favorite disciplinary tactic for some teachers. Even though I never had my bottom warmed, I think growing up in that environment might be a reason why spanking shows up so often in my stories. Or maybe I'm just warped.

garymrssn 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

Personally I'll stick with the "All things in moderation" admonishment for the simple reason that this subject as in most things concerning human psychology is not a case of do or don't, one size fits all. Unfortunately, a lot of parents, for various reasons, do not or will not take the time or put forth the energy to consider the correct response to their child's mistakes and misdeeds.
The correct response being what is best for the child.

Gary

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@garymrssn

Agreed.

fohjoffs 🚫

@Pixy I

N=5, so following is not statistically relevant.

My brother and myself were reguarly spanked. My sister was not. She is the only 'normal' adult of the three. She does not understand the deep-seated anger that my brother and myself have.

We raised my niece and nephew after their parents died. Neither my B-I-L nor my S-I-L spanked their children, and neither did my wife or myself. The boy has a STEM PhD. The girl is a teacher with degrees in music and math. They turned out well-adjusted and succesful without any form of physical punishment, and are the light of my putrid and insignificant life.

As for me, I am angry old geezer that has always hated humanity.

Like I said, n = 5; take from that what you want.

Replies:   Pixy I  Grey Wolf
Pixy I 🚫

@fohjoffs

As others have said, and I agree, is that every case is individual and what works for one child, does not work for others.

When a child 'does bad' certain parties come out and have a long list of reasons as to why the child did whatever it was they did. Their dog dies, their stamp collection was stolen, whatever. I suppose it's back to the 'Nature vs Nurture' argument. But some people don't seem to be willing to facilitate the idea that there does not need to be a reason, and so will fixate on something, anything, to give credence to a child's actions.

Millions upon millions of children each year, ascend to adulthood from violent and abusive households. For some, it's strengthening, and they become much valued members of society, for others, not so much. Some children come from good families where their lives were fairytales and then go on to become monsters.

As I said above, I was beaten and starved, but at no point did I decide to go out and kill kids. If I had, then certain sections of society would have put all the blame on my childhood and claimed none of it was my responsibility. Which brings me to two names well known in the UK.

Robert Thompson and Jon Venables.

Thompson came from a broken home and was physically and mentally abused long before that infamous day on February 2003. Venables came from, by all accounts, an 'average' household from which there was no known history of abuse. Physical or otherwise. Venables was the driving force of the pair and Thompson upon his release, disappeared into obscurity. Venables embraced darkness with both hands and ran with it.

Both boys were deemed to know the difference between 'right and wrong' before that day in February and it's been often said by clinicians that Venables was the very definition of 'psychopath' and there was no 'smoking gun' in his ten years of life at that time, to give reason for his actions.

Venables went on to continually re-offend, as certain sections of society claimed that it was his incarceration for what they did in 2003 that was the cause of his continual re-offending.

I think it would be safe to say that I don't share that opinion.

Granted, what I have just typed is an extreme example for a discussion on whether discipline (of any sort) is advantageous to the upbringing of any child. I think we, as humans, like to have a reason for our actions and that of others and we hate not having viable... I'm not sure of the correct, most applicable word here... excuses? to reason away the actions of others. I don't think we like the possibility that some people are just born bad, and that children like Sharon Carr exist. Or that the situation 'appears' to becoming worse (in that it's happening more frequently). But that could simply be down to more (and better?) reporting.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@Pixy I

psychopath

I've just been feeding fungus gnat larvae to a sundew. Obviously I'm on the way to being a fully-fledged psychopath, but I haven't moved on to animals or humans yet. But next door's bird-killing cat is living on borrowed time.

AJ

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@awnlee jawking

yet

'Yet' being the important part of that sentence.... Today, it's fungus gnat larvae, tomorrow it's the neighbour's cat, the week after it could be naughty children.

Who knows where your angry, repressed unresolved childhood trauma will take you next...

(I don't want Julka to think I am only focusing on them).

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@Pixy I

Who knows where your angry, repressed unresolved childhood trauma will take you next...

When I graduate to humans, Chris Packham will be high on my list. Only the BBC would allow him to turn a documentary about parakeets into a platform for his pro-migrant pro-asylum seeker manifesto.

AJ

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@awnlee jawking

When I graduate to humans, Chris Packham will be high on my list.

You know what? That's actually fair, I'll give you that one.

Grey Wolf 🚫

@fohjoffs

N=1, so even less :)

I experienced a quite limited amount of corporal punishment. I don't have anger issues at all. But I don't believe anything that happened to me constituted abuse by any reasonable definition, so it's pretty clear why I wouldn't. And I'm reasonably successful and well-adjusted (I think, anyway).

But I know quite a few kids who (to the best of my knowledge) were never physically punished, and they're successful and well-adjusted as well, so I feel fairly confident in agreeing that, for at least a reasonable number of children, physical punishment is not necessary.

Diamond Porter 🚫

@Pixy I

The biggest problem with any solution is that a parent must react quickly, often while they are angry. This tends to produce a "fight or flight" reaction.

The "fight" reaction is to hit something, which is usually the child. This can lead to smacking the child with more strength than is safe. (I believe the children who do worse academically because of punishment are the ones whose parents shake them or hit them hard enough to affect their heads. Those are the extreme cases.)

The "flight" reaction is to walk away from the problem, at least until the parent is calmer. This can lead to the child doing something worse before the parent is ready to respond. Also, for a smaller child, the interval creates a separation that makes it difficult to connect what they did with the eventual consequence.

Neither of these reactions is good parenting. Good parenting requires the parent to remain calm, and to find an immediate, measured response. Many adults cannot manage that.

ystokes 🚫

@Pixy I

I am a firm believer there is a big difference between discipline and abuse. The difference is in if done in anger.

In my house when young when we were disciplined it was a swat on the ass or when older a smack upside the back of the head. We all turned out to be law abiding citizens for the most part.

Replies:   Pixy I  Rodeodoc
Pixy I 🚫

@ystokes

for the most part

Some individuals may fixate on that bit... πŸ˜‚

Rodeodoc 🚫

@ystokes

This is why we need a thumbs up emoji. I wholeheartedly agree.

I went to school at a time when corporal punishment was practiced I.e. the strap. The rule at our house was that if I was disciplined at school, I should expect the same when I got home. There was no Court of Appeal - if the teacher thought I needed correcting, he/she was right. And if perchance they were wrong, I probably got away with something in the past and this punishment covered that transgression.

Rodeodoc 🚫

@Pixy I

You only need to scroll something like Instagram for 20 minutes to see the results of not smacking (spanking) your child. I'm not talking about beating the hell out of them, but a couple swats on the rear helps them understand actions have consequences. And that is something every child under 21 seems to have forgotten.

I love watching videos of young people stopped by the police and the merry mixups that occur when the driver thinks they don't need to do what the officer asks. My usual thought is "That kid was never spanked as a child."

Replies:   jimq2  julka
jimq2 🚫

@Rodeodoc

Just look at how many kids of 14 - 17 years old are in jail for shooting someone. The latest here, a 15 year old was arrested for shooting someone in a W Phoenix mall. They can't legally buy a gun until they are 18.

Replies:   Dominions Son  julka
Dominions Son 🚫

@jimq2

They can't legally buy a gun until they are 18.

That's for long guns (rifles & shotguns). It's being challenged in the federal courts, but the minimum age to purchase a handgun under US federal law is 21.

julka 🚫

@jimq2

Hmm, fascinating! Tell me more about using violence as a form of conflict resolution against children and how it teaches them not to use violence as a form of conflict resolution against children!

julka 🚫

@Rodeodoc

Woah! Hold up, sir, I think you'll find that Pixy I has made it clear that they are only interested in discussion of the research presented in the original post, and bringing up value judgements of hitting kids is unrelated and unwelcome. I'm sure they will be along momentarily to chide you for taking a conversation about apples and making it about pears; otherwise it would seem to be intellectually dishonest of them.

Shame on you, sir, for not reading the original post closely enough to learn that sharing a moral judgement of hitting kids was not what this thread is about. I had to learn that lesson the hard way as well, and I'm confident that Pixy will be absolutely incensed to discover that people are doing exactly the same thing I did.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

I'm sure they will be along momentarily to chide you for taking a conversation about apples and making it about pears

Sorry, been a bit busy, along with my compatriots, in (briefly) taking over the world.... Or at least, making the most of a very unusual situation whilst it lasts.

intellectually dishonest

I will happily settle for one of the two. Both would just be greedy...

I had to learn that lesson the hard way

No, no you didn't. As much as you may deserve it, you were not smacked, so stop crying and put on your big girl panties.

I'm confident

Go you!

Pixy will beabsolutely incensed

I do quite like lavender and sandalwood. Also, it can only be thurible delivered. Any other means is just laziness, and we can't have that, can we?

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

I will happily settle for one of the two. Both would just be greedy...

Sure, if you want me to start saying you're just being dishonest, I'm happy to oblige - I don't think there's anything intellectual about your position either, glad we're on the same page.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫
Updated:

@julka

πŸ›¬

Edit: missed out the 'Woosh"

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

Oh, I see you don't understand humor either! Jokes have punchlines, not just punches.

Replies:   Radagast
Radagast 🚫

@julka

If you don't hurry back to your bridge a Hobo is going to move in under it and steal your horde of a Mountain Dew and Cheetos.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Radagast

I'm like the guy in that Normal Rockwell painting, standing up to bravely say that hitting kids is bad, actually.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

standing up to bravely say that hitting kids is bad, actually.

Pretty sure you were sitting down when you were typing. Also, not sure typing a few words out on a keyboard to be posted on a (fairly) obscure internet site satisfies the minimum requirements for 'bravely'. Anyone can basically say anything they want, on the internet via a pseudonym.

Had you done so, via an account publicly linked to your name and person, all whilst stating that you ran/headlined an organisation campaigning against child cruelty with clickable links to the aforesaid organisation, then yes, I would say you were arguing from a moral vantage point. But you are not.

"Throwing jelly and custard at children is cruel, messy and may traumatise them for years to come. People who do so are sick and need professional psychological help." There you go. See how 'so stunning, so brave' I am. I want my knighthood and sainthood by the end of the year. Tah in advance.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

You seem to be taking this pretty personally, especially considering that I'm one of the few people engaging in a discussion of the study.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

You seem to be taking this pretty personally,

I take everything I say/do personally, because ultimately I am the only one responsible for my deportment. I don't believe in blaming others for my actions. So, yes.

especially considering that I'm one of the few people engaging in a discussion of the study

You're complaining because I am replying to you because you are "engaging in a discussion of the study"? So what else am I supposed to do? Ignore you? And then you would just complain because I am not replying to you... That's an interesting logic path you have there.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

Are you sure you're doing okay? Your responses seem like you're not understanding the words I'm using, and I think you might be confusing me with somebody else because I haven't complained a single time about posts I've made that you haven't responded to.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

Your responses seem like you're not understanding the words I'm using

Is that a 'you' problem, or a 'me' problem? If I am not understanding you, isn't some of that responsibility yours? I'm not entirely certain that you understand the words you are using either.

I think you might be confusing me with somebody else because I haven't complained a single time about posts I've made that you haven't responded to

That was a bit of a word salad. It could also be construed as a complaint, which is rather ironic.

Anyway, I think it's rather obvious to everyone else that we are not understanding each other, and the conversation is drifting away from the topic at hand. You also seem to be attempting to try and guide it towards a more personal level of conversation, and they never end well.

I'm sure you are happy to agree that this is achieving nothing constructive between us, and it's time to move on. Besides, I need to find out if AJ has killed their next door neighbours cat yet...

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

If I am not understanding you, isn't some of that responsibility yours?

Normally I'd say yes, and indeed I've tried hard to provide clarifications of my positions on request but I do have to point out here that you made it quite clear that my understanding of your words was my own responsibility, and so I'd have to say that no, if you don't understand the idiom of taking something personally, that's your responsibility and not mine.

LupusDei 🚫

@Pixy I

For a sake of random comment...

Here, (in Latvia) my grandparents (born in 1913 & 1914) were very proud they have been never spanked nor have ever spanked their children, and that has persisted. At least locally sentiment that spanking is extreme and near 100% child abuse is well over a century old, and survived the second Russian occupation (USSR) as well. It's not controversial in the slightest.

awnlee jawking 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

The TLDR is that researchers have pulled some figures from the dark recesses of their arses to back up their theory that smacking children reduces their intellectual capability.

The study does seem to be so poorly formulated that any conclusions from it can be considered spurious unless substantiated by more rigorous evidence.

However if you want to be flippant, you could correlate the reduction in smacking with the overall decline in child intelligence - IQ levels are dropping every decade. That doesn't mean everyone should start smacking again (I hope).

Note that 'Spare the rod and spoil the child' is a recommendation from the Christian Bible.

AJ

Replies:   Grey Wolf  julka
Grey Wolf 🚫

@awnlee jawking

IQ levels are dropping every decade

This is incorrect. IQ levels are rising less quickly in the 2000s than they were in the 1900s, but they continue to rise (based on consensus meta-analysis).

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flynn_effect (and linked works, of course) for more.

It's also interesting that some of the studies showing a reduction in 'IQ score' also show increases in things like 3D Reasoning, which are sometimes poorly captured by IQ tests.

Replies:   awnlee_jawking
awnlee_jawking 🚫

@Grey Wolf

This is incorrect. IQ levels are rising less quickly in the 2000s than they were in the 1900s, but they continue to rise (based on consensus meta-analysis).

Google 'Reverse Flynn Effect'.

AJ

Replies:   Grey Wolf
Grey Wolf 🚫

@awnlee_jawking

I did. The consensus of meta-studies indicates that the 'Reverse Flynn Effect' is a myth, to the extent that it actually means a decline in intelligence. What's been measured is a drop from a ~3% rise per decade to between 1 and two percent a decade. But that may be incorrect - other analyses show 3% is still valid.

There are counterexamples, but they have significant methodological problems in many cases.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@Grey Wolf

The consensus of meta-studies

The consensus of meta-studies I found referenced by Wikipedia lists studies overwhelmingly from before 1990, which is around the time the Reverse Flynn Effect was first noticed/suggested. Even the more recent studies referenced tend to use old data.

And I didn't even mention my intense distrust of meta-studies!

AJ

Replies:   Grey Wolf
Grey Wolf 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Most of the meta-studies I've looked at are from the 2010s. The Wikipedia link I posted lists three from around 2015.

And many of the studies claiming there is a Reverse Flynn Effect are lousy. For instance, Dutton and Lynn studied 79 (!) likely non-randomly-selected people in France and decided there was an IQ drop (I i haven't bothered to look up the confidence interval, but it would have to be miserable). And even their work pinned down the 'decline in IQ' to a slight decrease in 'cultural knowledge'. There was no decline in reasoning ability; that went up. Meanwhile, other studies in France show continued increases. Which one do you think is cited by people claiming there's a Reverse Flynn Effect?

That's why you do meta-studies - because there are a lot of low-quality studies being used to claim there's an IQ drop, compared to a smaller number of higher-quality studies (and a large number of not-so-high-quality studies) showing continued rises. When you're looking at e.g. 285 studies, and the great majority show continued rises, that tends to suggest that the studies showing declines are outliers.

The more you look at this, the more clear it seems to be that, the larger the sample size, the more evidence that IQ scores continue to rise.

Mind you (and this is part of where Dutton and Lynn got their data), there's a confounding variable: IQ tests themselves are a moving target. Dutton and Lynn were looking at variances between multiple versions of the WAIS. While, obviously, test vendors should be doing their absolute best to make sure their tests remain fully normed, different tests are going to behave differently.

Combine that with a general explosion of breadth of knowledge (your average Gen Z individual will have followed far more information sources than, say, a Gen Xer at the same ages), there's a question: do we have shared 'cultural knowledge' sufficient for 'IQ tests' to use it as a means to ascertain 'IQ'? It made a lot of sense that, if everyone reads the same books and lives in the same culture, you can say 'Well, the guy who knows 20 cultural things out of 30 is smarter than the guy who knows 15 out of 30'. But that makes a lot more sense if the pool is 100 and you used 30 for testing. If the pool is 10,000, and you're using 30, you're just tossing a random-number generator into the test.

There are also longstanding issues with bias in 'cultural awareness.' Classic example: Would a kid from a prep school in the Northeast and a kid from central Atlanta have equal knowledge of sailboat-related terms? What if you flipped it and asked about hip-hop musicians?

That's also why the 'kids in the 1850s knew this amazingly difficult stuff, but now no one knows this, so we're getting dumber.' The knowledge base a kid in the 1850s needed was wildly different from what a kid in the 1950s needed, and that rate of change has grown, not contracted.

It seems highly likely to me (and many of the meta-analysts) that the Flynn Effect was going to end. You can't have 3% growth in 'IQ scores' for an unlimited period of time, most likely. The Flynn Effect was, itself, likely a combination of better nutrition, wider access to education, and so on. Sooner or later, the human brain will 'max out,' barring evolutionary changes.

None of this is to say that we're doing a great job. There are plenty of reasonably well-sourced articles about kids graduating today having lousy writing skills and readers having far less exposure to a variety of writing styles compared to previous generations (e.g. the 'I don't understand how to read anything but first person', which seems to actually be a thing, as baffling as I find it). But someone who doesn't understand third person because they've only read first person isn't 'lower IQ', they're uneducated in that area.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Grey Wolf

Most of the meta-studies I've looked at are from the 2010s. The Wikipedia link I posted lists three from around 2015.

But when were the base studies conducted?

And we'll have to disagree on the value of meta-studies. A meta-study is only as good as the weakest study it incorporates.

AJ

Diamond Porter 🚫

@Grey Wolf

The Flynn Effect was, itself, likely a combination of better nutrition, wider access to education, and so on.

Don't forget "teaching to the test." When an IQ test gets published, it establishes certain categories of data as basic knowledge that everyone should have. This encourages school systems to ensure that their students do know that.

Basic knowledge changes, so the tests change, too. In 1850, every toddler knew how many legs a chicken has. In 2026, that knowledge is much too obscure to assume on an IQ test.

Every time the tests are redesigned, based on new concepts of basic knowledge, the new tests are calibrated so that the distribution of scores remains the same as with the old test. Once the new test enters use, the school systems change their emphasis to match the new test. That means that a steady increase in IQ scores can continue over the first few decades of the new test.

This "teaching-to-the-test" effect should level off after two or three decades of using the new test, but they usually replace tests more frequently than that.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫
Updated:

@Diamond Porter

The Reverse Flynn Effect has been attributed to computers becoming ubiquitous: users accept what computers tell them, impacting critical reasoning abilities.

And we've been here before in this thread

AJ

Replies:   jimq2  Grey Wolf
jimq2 🚫

@awnlee jawking

And teachers are finding that kids have trouble doing simple math without their smart phone.

Grey Wolf 🚫

@awnlee jawking

For something that the large majority of evidence suggests doesn't exist, what you attribute it to doesn't matter.

And (as noted before), many of the studies that show a Reverse Flynn Effect show it because of declines in scores on the cultural knowledge portion of tests, while scores on the reasoning sections continue to increase.

julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

The study does seem to be so poorly formulated that any conclusions from it can be considered spurious unless substantiated by more rigorous evidence.

Can you share a little about your concerns for the formulation of the study? The primary finding seems to be fairly lightly stated:

In summary, using a rigorous analysis method
we found no evidence that physical punishment
improves children's externalising, internalising, or
prosocial behaviours over time. Where there was
evidence of associations, these were in the direction
of detrimental effects.

I'll readily confess that I'm not particularly familiar with the MCS, so if that's a known-bad source of data then absolutely share that.

However if you want to be flippant, you could correlate the reduction in smacking with the overall decline in child intelligence

Yes, it's easy to be flippant and obviously wrong. Think a little bit harder about how a general decline in child intelligence would manifest itself and how you might track it, and then compare that to what this study examines. Here's a hint: are children being compared to historical peers of generations past, or are they being compared to contemporary peers?

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫
Updated:

@julka

Can you share a little about your concerns for the formulation of the study?

The study was observational, based on questionnaires completed by the parents. Basically, a joke.

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

What do you think the observational nature of the study implies about the quality of the data, precisely, with regards to parents self-reporting the frequency with which they strike their child as a disciplinary measure?

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

Since the study is based on the parents' observations with no objective measure of the children's intelligence (although I only read the BBC summary), even if the parents were honest (which would be a first), the study is about the opinions of the parents rather than the actual children.

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

…which parental opinions is it about? The study took data from parental responses about frequency of striking their child as a form of discipline, but otherwise it draws conclusions from either objective measures (such as performance in a standardized test, which is an objective measure of how well a student performs in a standardized test) or self-reported data from the children themselves, cross referenced with observational data canvassed from people around the children.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

I confess I missed the bit about the GCSE results. Less than half the children were assessed that way and, as Pixy posited, did the smacking cause the weaker results or did weaker results precipitate the smacking? As for all the self-reported parts, they're effectively useless.

AJ

Replies:   julka  Pixy I
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

The frequency of children being hit was highest when the children were between three and five years old, if I remember the study correctly? So it seems unlikely that the physical discipline was precipitated by poor performance on a GSCE, although I will agree that a three year old is probably not going to be set up for success on their GSCEs regardless of whether or not they were hit by their parents as a form of discipline.

Pixy I 🚫

@awnlee jawking

did the smacking cause the weaker results or did weaker results precipitate the smacking

That actually wasn't my question. It was, 'did the smacking result in the weaker grade results? Or did the underlying nature of the child that resulted in them attracting discipline, also mean that they were less likely to do well academically?'

Not all punishment is warranted by a child, but equally, not all children are innocent.

Contrary to what some here might disagree with, we all have a choice to either do, or not do a thing. And nowhere in that 'study' did it consider that avenue as a reason. Which seemed to me like both a missed opportunity and a failure on the part of the researchers.

As I pointed out earlier, some children from broken homes do extremely well academically, whilst some children from 'perfect' homes are academically poor and destined for a life of incarceration.

The UK military has always (until recently) mainly recruited from 'working' class youths, especially those with problematic childhoods, because they tend to be the best soldiers. Discipline has always been an important part of training. In fact, it's not just the UK, I would say it's the same for most militaries.

It has always been a staple of your average war film where the 'recruit squad' has one or two 'problematic' individuals, and the squad is collectively punished until the squad has 'a private word or two' with the individual so as to 'suggest' a change of motivation.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

Or did the underlying nature of the child that resulted in them attracting discipline, also mean that they were less likely to do well academically?'

What is an "underlying nature"? Is it a thing that can be measured and tracked over time? You're quite quick to deride the study as "figures from the dark recesses of their arses to back up their theory that smacking children reduces their intellectual capability", but that's a frank mischaracterisation of the study, which actually makes specific claims about correlations to, among other things, academic outcomes. You will of course note that outcomes are distinct from capabilities in that an outcome can be objectively measured, whereas capability can't.

Do you have a suggestion for how the study might be redesigned to check whether children are destined for poor academic outcomes and antisocial behavior on account of bad vibes as a three year old?

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@julka

Do you have a suggestion for how the study might be redesigned to check whether children are destined for poor academic outcomes and antisocial behavior on account of bad vibes as a three year old?

Well yes. Simply ask teachers and adults who know the child about the child's nature. Parents are always going to be biased (one way or another); other adults less so.

Teachers will be the strongest gauge, as they are more likely to be neutral and have the demeanour of the class on the whole as a baseline.

Teachers are also trained to look for abuse at home and since most referrals to child services come from teachers, they must be half decent at it.

It was brought up in a previous discussion, about the rising number of primary (Elementary, I think, in the USA) children who have not been toilet trained by the time they start Primary school (which in the UK is children between 4.5 to 6 years of age, depending on when their birthday is). Many reasons have been put forth as to why, ranging from the parents being children themselves, to both (or singular) parent(s) working long hours and being unable to spend much time with their children.

I know from personal experience of the likes of mums-net, PTA's and simply talking to other parents, that even at P1, the base line behaviour of pupils is already formed and after a few days of the new term, these individual behaviours are apparent. And let's be honest here, even if we don't admit it to ourselves or others, we are always judging our child against the others in the class.

It is also fairly apparent from that report, that the 'researchers' concluded their report from either their place of work or a coffee shop, and no actual face-to-face communication with either pupils or teachers was carried out, as otherwise they would have realised the flaws.

Teachers are also very good, and best placed, at judging years against previous years. For teachers with fifteen-plus years of teaching, that is a lot of inherent data.

I am not sure about other countries, but in the UK we have a saying called "The terrible twos". How a child behaves during this time is also very indicative as to their future temperament. Which is another reason why I think the report's 'authors' are neither parents nor have much experience about the topic of their paper. I would have expected you to know this and to have had the same thoughts as to why the 'paper' is not worth the 'paper' it's written on, especially since you say you care so much about the topic.

In fact, the more I discourse with you, the more I am disinclined to believe that you have any actual parenting experience.

Replies:   awnlee jawking  julka
awnlee jawking 🚫

@Pixy I

Teachers will be the strongest gauge, as they are more likely to be neutral and have the demeanour of the class on the whole as a baseline.

During Covid, they were found to be very optimistic about what grades their pupils would achieve if they actually sat exams.

AJ

julka 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

Ah, talking to the teachers is an interesting idea; can you give me a sense for what sort of information that would help capture that the study isn't taking into account with just the RI-CLPM that was used to control for stable but unmeasured confounders, like personality traits? And of course, if you can share specific concerns you have about why the RI-CLPM method is inadequate I'd be interested in reading them.

edit 2: Oh! I almost forgot! You forgot to address the point of how to measure a child's "inner nature" - asking a teacher is a good way to assess, but teacher interviews by themselves do not a measurement make. You're clearly unhappy with the level of statistical analysis done in the study, so I'd love to know more about the specific statistical measures of a child's inner nature that you think teachers can provide insight into that will enhance the study beyond what's been done already.

I am not sure about other countries, but in the UK we have a saying called "The terrible twos". How a child behaves during this time is also very indicative as to their future temperament.

In what I'm sure will be a shock to you, I do have a lot of thoughts on this! Unfortunately, I won't get a chance to type them up until a few hours from now when my son is in bed. He's got his 15 month checkup with the pediatrician in a week or two and so I've been doing lots of reading on different models of parenting in an effort to prepare for his growing up.

Edit: Alright, the who's-asleep-score is ninety nine zillion, nine trillion, and three; I am thus freed to share my thoughts on the "Terrible Twos", as they are described.

Like I mentioned, I've been trying to read up on parenting to get a sense of what's upcoming and to help make sense of what I've been through so far.

What I've read, and what I've seen of the children my friends have, is that around the age of two to three is when the child really starts to develop a sense of autonomy separate from their parents. Developmentally this is absolutely appropriate, but it can also lead to some behavioral struggles - now that a child realizes they're fully independent from their mother, for example, maybe they want to do something THIS way, and that's not how it's happening. That's hard! And predictably, it leads to a meltdown of some form: a tantrum, screaming, maybe hitting or biting. The child has a lot of big emotions and none of the tools to help them process said emotions, and so it comes out as physically disruptive behavior. The role of the parent, then, is to step in and help the child build those emotional tools so that the child learns how to regulate their own emotions as time goes on.

If that sounds familiar, it's basically the same idea that I described in an earlier post. Children have big emotions and none of the tools to handle them, and that's a fundamentally scary experience. They don't understand what their body is feeling, they don't feel in control of themselves (because they quite literally are not), and that's terrifying! Cue the parent, who helps the child understand that even when the child is out of control, the parent is still there to keep them safe. No matter how upset a child is, their parent isn't going to let them hurt themselves or someone around them; the parent is exercising emotional and physical control when the child can't, and as the child learns to feel safe with their emotions, they also learn how to process them and express them in healthy ways.

And of course, all of this is distinct from consequences. If you want to scream, we can do that in the car, but we can't sit on the floor of the supermarket and scream. If we're going to stay in the supermarket, then you need to use your inside voice and if you are having trouble doing that then I will take you out to the car and you can scream until you feel better. Or if you want to play with this toy, you have to be gentle and you can't hit your friend. I can see that you are having trouble keeping your hands to yourself and being gentle, so I am going to remove you from this area and we will go over here until you are calm, and then you need to apologize to your friend before you can play with the toy again.

It also means that there's going to be some amount of just picking your battles, you know? Does it matter, in the long run, if my son wants to wear a different shirt than the one I picked out to go to the park? No, I don't think it does. If he wants to choose his own shirt from a selection of temperature-appropriate shirts, that's okay. It is good for him to learn to make choices on his own.

You do mention an interesting point when you say

How a child behaves during this time is also very indicative as to their future temperament.

I haven't heard that anywhere, or read it, so if you have studies to point me towards I'm sure it will make for interesting reading. It's irrelevant to the question of discipline, of course, since there are myriad ways to discipline a child without hitting them, but I'm always interested in learning more about parenting. There's a lot of ways it can be done poorly at the extremes on both ends, but I do my best to keep my son happy, safe, and secure, and try to let him experience struggles in measured environments. It's been amazing watching him learn about the concept of gentle hands to pet the kitty and you can definitely see how his impulse control fades as he gets more tired.

ystokes 🚫

@Pixy I

Another firm belief I have is most studies are bullshit. To claim that the answers of 1,000 people would match 200,000,000 or more people is insane. The only thing studies are good for is researchers getting grant money.

Replies:   Michael Loucks  julka
Michael Loucks 🚫

@ystokes

Another firm belief I have is most studies are bullshit. To claim that the answers of 1,000 people would match 200,000,000 or more people is insane.

In statistics, it's been shown that certain sample sizes are associated with specific confidence levels. What you almost never hear when statistics are cited are the margins of error or the confidence levels.

So, 54% to 46%, with a margin of error or Β±4% and a confidence of 95% (typical for the usually reported sample sizes), indicates that 95% of the time, the ranges are between 54-46 and 50-50, and 5% of the time outside (potentially far outside) that range.

That's why you repeat the studies and ensure you don't have one of those 5% outliers.

The only thing studies are good for is researchers getting grant money.

True.

Studies also use relative vs. absolute percentages to lie to you. Example:

A condition has a negative outcome of 8 per 10,000. Administering a drug reduces the negative outcome to 6 per 10,000. The relative difference is a 25% reduction; the absolute difference is a 0.02% reduction.

Guess which ones the drug manufacturers report?

Replies:   Grey Wolf
Grey Wolf 🚫
Updated:

@Michael Loucks

I agree with most of that, but not:

The only thing studies are good for is researchers getting grant money.

True.

If you don't study it, you're left with anecdotes, faith, belief, etc. Yes, absolutely one can misdirect with percentages, graphs with clever axes, and so forth. But one can lie even more if there's no high-quality data out there.

Having a study with well-understood confidence levels and margins of error can be important. Which is why that grant money should exist in the first place.

In that sense, it's like democracy ('The worst form of government, except for all of the others'). The grant system as it exists today is often a mess, and study reporting can be even more of a mess, but it's better than not having one.

Replies:   Michael Loucks
Michael Loucks 🚫

@Grey Wolf

If you don't study it, you're left with anecdotes, faith, belief, etc. Yes, absolutely one can misdirect with percentages, graphs with clever axes, and so forth. But one can lie even more if there's no high-quality data out there.

A reasonable point. Add 'many' to the sentence to yield "The only thing many studies are good for…"

Replies:   Grey Wolf
Grey Wolf 🚫

@Michael Loucks

'Many' is a great improvement, I agree.

julka 🚫

@ystokes

You don't have to make numbers up! The cohort of the study is around 19000 children, representing a population of approximately two million children. I don't know if that makes you feel better about the math, but your complaints ring a lot more valid when you're not orders of magnitude off on both sides of your rant.

Replies:   ystokes
ystokes 🚫

@julka

So, they based their findings on less then 1% of the population.

I just wish studies and polls would be honest. Instead of 57% of Americans believe such and such, be honest and say 57% of the 1100 people who answered believe in such and such. And add the cavoite "Providing all were truthful." Afterall anyone willing to spend the time to take a poll is already not all there.

rustyken 🚫

@Pixy I

Well when I was growing up I remembered being spanked a few times (open hand on posterior). From what I remember of the incidents, this occurred after several warnings. So you might say I earned the response.

irvmull 🚫

@Pixy I

Peer-reviewed and large-scale studies report reverse Flynn-effect declines in several developed countries, especially in Northern/Western Europe and parts of the Anglosphere:

Norway (military conscript data; Bratsberg & Rogeberg PNAS 2018). The Times of Israel
Denmark (conscription testing; Teasdale & Owen and follow-ups). The Times of Israel
Finland (national test analyses reporting later cohort declines). nchstats.com
Sweden (research reporting plateauing/declines in some cohorts). The Times of Israel
United Kingdom (cohort comparisons showing declines since ~1980s–2000s). The Times of Israel
France (published analyses showing stagnation or small declines in some samples). nchstats.com
Australia (studies reporting recent plateaus or declines). nchstats.com
United States (mixed evidence: large-sample analyses find declines on some reasoning subtests in recent decades). nchstats.com

Grey Wolf 🚫

@irvmull

There's a discussion on this elsewhere in this threat, but condensing it: yes, there are some peer-reviewed studies showing a Reverse Flynn Effect. There are a considerably larger number of peer-reviewed studies showing no Reverse Flynn Effect, some of which do show a decrease in the rate of increase in IQ.

Many of the studies showing declines have very small sample sizes. Most of the studies showing continued increases have large sample sizes. One review showed nine studies listing declines, for instance, while over two hundred showed continued increases.

It's entirely possible the nine are 'correct' and the two hundred are 'incorrect'. I'm not about to dive into over two hundred studies and compare sample sizes and confidence intervals; that's why one reads meta-analysis in the first place. But, in any case, the evidence is highly mixed.

It's also possible that the entire Flynn effect may be incorrect. Flynn himself thinks that's possible. It may be that we've simply been measuring the wrong things, and that tests have progressively trended toward measuring the wrong things.

One given example is 'What do dogs and rabbits have in common?' The 'correct' answer is 'They are both mammals'. But, as Flynn notes, the answer 'One uses dogs to hunt rabbits' is an entirely viable answer for people who do that. The person giving that answer is not 'lower IQ' than the one whose answer reflects one classification system. But, if one sees the world through the lens of highly structured classification systems, one scores their use higher.

One can think of a number of other viable answers to that question that would be 'wrong' from an IQ test standpoint but would not reflect a difference in actual intelligence.

And, as also noted elsewhere, one of the studies from France and cited as 'Reverse Flynn Effect', shows a decline in the 'cultural knowledge' section of the exam, but no decline in the 'reasoning' section of the exam. That is interesting, but it may mean the culture has shifted in a way that breaks test norming. That reasoning remains the same suggests 'intelligence' may be fine.

Part of why this matters is that virtually no 'IQ test' is static. They can't be. Most of them rely on 'cultural knowledge' as one measure. It's a perfectly valid thing: a 'smarter' person will recognize more celebrities, know more history, and so forth than a 'dumber' person. But which ones will naturally change over time. A year-over-year decline on the same test might mean people are 'dumber', but it might also mean the culture has shifted faster than expected. A year-over-year decline on a test with the same name but different questions might mean the test creator has broken the test.

I know just enough to be dangerous. I also know Ph.D's in this area, and some of them also feel they only know enough to be dangerous. Even defining IQ is hard. Measuring it is harder. And there are hundreds of tests widely accepted as valid for measuring IQ, few of which are cross-normed and which use considerably different scales.

It's a mess, and it gets messier the more you dig into it.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@irvmull

I was born at a time Grey Wolf's studies show IQs were rising. I'm still alive at a time your studies show IQs are falling. Seems about right to me - I really ought to learn to play an instrument or learn a new language to make new connections in my brain and slow my intellectual decline :-(

AJ

Replies:   Grey Wolf
Grey Wolf 🚫

@awnlee jawking

I'd suggest taking up writing, but ... :) It's certainly added a new dimension to the things I think about.

And I'm learning a new language, slowly but surely. Written, anyway. It's going to be a while before I can understand Spanish at the speed it's usually spoken. Steady improvement in reading, though.

ystokes 🚫

@Pixy I

The one big truth about studies is that in a few years there is a good chance a new study will prove it wrong.

Replies:   LupusDei
LupusDei 🚫

@ystokes

And one should always remember, that's a feature of scientific process working as intended and not a bug.

Justin Case 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

You BETTER smack those kids.That's how they learn.

I guarantee if I am cooking and tell YOU not to touch my iron skillet, and you do it anyway, you will learn real quick to keep your meat beaters off of it.
HOT things tend to make an immediate impression on the mind.
But if it is cold, and there is no "pain", then your lesson won't be imprinted near as thoroughly.

In the long run a brief moment of discomfort or slight stinging is a whole lot more preferable to what a full grown adult can and will do to them later in life.

If they grow up and don't learn manners and boundaries, then right out the gate of "Age 18" they are going to have a LOT of ass whoopins to endure from the other adults.
People don't tolerate that crap after they are no longer juveniles.

Raise a spoiled brat kid who doesn't obey rules and laws... and you have ZERO room to complain when you wind up buying them a funeral.
The place they end up is squarely on the parents.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Justin Case

Yeah, it's just a shame there's no way to reinforce a lesson besides physical abuse! I keep on hoping scientists will figure something out but we're years away still. Oh well, guess we gotta keep on hitting the most vulnerable among us, nothing else will work.

ystokes 🚫

@Pixy I

The sad thing is that we taught kids we will take their word over the parents or teachers most of the time. So, they lie about abuse. Anyone remember the McMartin preschool trial?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/McMartin_preschool_trial

EricR 🚫

@Pixy I

I would far rather have a child that has learned by being open, inquisitive, curious and willing to challenge authority than one who learns in fear of physical pain. The latter is more like a beaten dog than a human being. I don't buy the argument that beating a child is for the child's safety. It's simply more convenient for adults than taking the time to parent.

"Different strokes", as they say.

EricR 🚫

AJ I have five natural born sons and another six step children through marriage, plus a bunch of grandchildren. Whatever your preferred term there is no justification for corporal punishment. I've seen too many people with serious mental health problems due to violence inflicted upon them by an authority figure, whether that's a parent or (in the case of some of my extended family) a boarding school master.

Yes, we parents make mistakes. Doesn't mean that we all have to make the same mistakes our parents made.

julka 🚫

I'm disappointed you had to conflate smacking with beating to make your point.

So is there like a taxonomy of violence you can direct me to which details what you're allowed to apply and to whom? Because from my perspective, hitting a kid is hitting a kid and you seem quite clear that "smacking" is very different for reasons that I haven't seen clearly laid out and I think that's part of where the confusion is.

Also, I mean, I'm a parent and I'm fully prepared to say that while there are no hard and fast rules about parenting, "don't abuse your child" is a hard and fast rule that will always apply, despite whatever you want to say about absolutes etc etc.

Michael Loucks 🚫

@julka

"don't abuse your child"

Therein lies a problem β€” not everyone agrees on what 'abuse' means. Some people call proper (non-corporal) discipline 'abuse' and mean it. I disagree with them.

FWIW, I agree with you on corporal punishment, and I grew up in the era when 'smacking' kids was considerd not just accepted, but the norm (nuns with rulers, assistant principals with paddles).

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Michael Loucks

Sure and if somebody comes in here arguing that providing any form of discipline and structure is abusive to children I will vehemently disagree with them and provide counter-examples as soon as I'm at a keyboard. While we wait for them to show up, though, I'm mostly just talking to the people who are convinced that there's a special kind of violence that's actually okay to apply to children.

Replies:   Michael Loucks
Michael Loucks 🚫

@julka

Sure and if somebody comes in here arguing that providing any form of discipline and structure is abusive to children I will vehemently disagree with them and provide counter-examples as soon as I'm at a keyboard.

If you haven't encountered them, consider yourself lucky.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@Michael Loucks

I'm sure I'll come across them at some point, there's bad parents of all types.

In the meantime, though, I'm not trying to have a conversation about the entirety of what qualifies as child abuse; I'm arguing a very specific point about how hitting a kid deliberately is always child abuse, even you have a special dictionary in your mind that lets you say "no no no that wasn't a hit that was a smack, it's very different in subtle ways, you wouldn't understand it"

awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

So is there like a taxonomy of violence you can direct me to which details what you're allowed to apply and to whom?

There's a sliding scale certainly, from grabbing a child's arm and physically removing it from throwing food at other diners in a restaurant, to a gentle tap as a reminder as to who the authority figure is after you stop them from running straight across the road in front of a car, to a sustained thrashing using implements like canes or whips.

Your soft-parenting solution of locking yourself in a room until your child's tantrum is over is not a good life-lesson for a child, leading to the sense of entitlement and need to feel special exhibited by so many Gen-Z young adults.

AJ

Replies:   EricR  julka
EricR 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Don't bring children to a place where they will disturb other patrons. If the child isn't socialized enough to understand that throwing food in a restaurant is inappropriate then the parent shouldn't be there with that child either. The issue isn't the child. It's the selfish parent.

As for running across the road, perhaps a firm grip and a talking to is a more appropriate response to that teachable moment than a "tap".

Parenting takes work to do well. If a person isn't ready for that commitment then perhaps the right choice is to exercise some restraint rather than to bring a child into the world. Easier said than done, unfortunately. Children are easy (and fun) to make… it's the next 20 years that are hard work.

julka 🚫
Updated:

@awnlee jawking

Oh, I see - "gentle taps" are acceptable violence. How gentle is "gentle", like is there a standard calibration of force, maybe a class parents take to learn exactly how hard they can hit their child? Does it scale with the size of the hand? Does it have to be an open hand or is a closed fist okay, since it's "gentle"? Is there an acceptable list of targets, like it's okay to hit your child gently in the face, or in the stomach?

I'm also curious about the "sustained thrashing", is that still part of the good violence or is sustained thrashing of your child with whips and rods bad? If it's bad, where exactly are you drawing the line between "gentle taps" and "sustained thrashing", like is this a thing where a thrash is okay but you have to stop for a two minute break every thirty seconds of beating, to make sure it's separate disconnected instances and not a sustained single session?

This is fascinating stuff, I'm excited to learn more, thank you for sharing!

Your soft-parenting solution of locking yourself in a room until your child's tantrum is over is not a good life-lesson for a child

You must be thinking of somebody else, because that's not a thing I've said. I'm not going to handle arguments you've invented and jammed into my mouth, and since you can't hit me - oh, sorry, I mean gently tap me - you don't have a lot of leverage.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

You must be thinking of somebody else, because that's not a thing I've said.

You've disparaged all other options. Therefore by Sherlock Holmes logic, that has to be what you'd do if you ever had children.

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

If Sherlock Holmes never read any books and also failed to recognize that there are parenting methods outside of the binary "beat your child until they obey you" and "don't parent your child", yes - that's exactly what he would think.

You're looking at the hammer in your hand and scoffing at me because I'm telling you that under no circumstances should you use the hammer to fasten a bolt.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

And again you disparage other solutions while failing to offer your own.

The record's stuck, the record's stuck ...

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Weird, I definitely remember discussing my philosophy of parenting in this thread.

And of course, all of this is distinct from consequences. If you want to scream, we can do that in the car, but we can't sit on the floor of the supermarket and scream. If we're going to stay in the supermarket, then you need to use your inside voice and if you are having trouble doing that then I will take you out to the car and you can scream until you feel better. Or if you want to play with this toy, you have to be gentle and you can't hit your friend. I can see that you are having trouble keeping your hands to yourself and being gentle, so I am going to remove you from this area and we will go over here until you are calm, and then you need to apologize to your friend before you can play with the toy again

Yep, there it is. Focusing on giving children options from a safe set of choices and stepping in to make the choice when they are having trouble choosing on their own because their emotions are overwhelming their brain. It's almost like there are many different ways to provide structure and discipline for a child that don't involve punching them to get their attention or giving them a sound thrashing, making sure you strictly adhere to whatever time limit your "So You Want To Hit Your Kid" and "Hitting Kids For Dummies" books tell you marks the boundary of abuse.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

Missed the point again.

You have a truculent child. How do you get it under control?

A promise to behave made inside the car isn't worth two cents once in the supermarket, with lots of sweets and shiny things.

AJ

Replies:   julka  EricR
julka 🚫
Updated:

@awnlee jawking

Oh, I see. That's not a question you've asked before, which is why I didn't see it.

If the child misbehaves in the store, then you remove them, obviously. If you have two parents then one will stay with the child outside or in the car while the other finishes getting groceries. If it's just you and the child, then you go home and you'll have to get your groceries later, which is inconvenient but being a parent means dealing with inconvenience sometimes.

At home, when the child has calmed down, you explain that going on trips to run errands is a privilege and that if the child is not mature enough to handle being in public, then you can't take them out to run errands with you until you can trust them, but also you need to go run errands and so the time that would normally be devoted to, I dunno, going to the park or doing other fun things with your kid is going to have to be your errand time and that means the child isn't going to be able to go do the fun things that they enjoy until they have demonstrated that they are mature enough to handle the other myriad, age-appropriate responsibilities that come with being part of society. You probably want to have the kid come up with ideas that will help demonstrate that maturity so that they feel like they have some input into regaining the privileges that they lost.

And then the really hard part is that when you set boundaries, you have to stick to them and enforce them even when the child is wheedling and whining. If you set the boundary and then break it, the child learns that actually boundaries don't exist, which a) is a bad lesson to learn and also b) scary, because in general kids thrive on having structure and order and not being able to understand where the boundaries of acceptable behavior are means they don't have that.

Edit: ooh, EricR's answer is good too. He focuses more on preventative measures (find ways to keep the kid engaged, try to avoid testing them at times when their impulse control is already diminished) but we land on basically the same process of set boundaries, enforce boundaries, and reward good behavior.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

If the child misbehaves in the store, then you remove them, obviously.

Without using physical force, obviously?

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫
Updated:

@awnlee jawking

I need to ask, do you think it's only possible to pick up a child having a tantrum if you've stunned them first? Like is that where this is coming from, you're literally just unable to conceive of a way in which a child can be moved from one place to another if you haven't softened them up with a solid one-two?

Edit: because I think I've been pretty consistent with my messaging of "under no circumstances should you hit your kid" and it seems like that's breaking your brain and you're reading it as "any physical contact is forbidden", like i'm really trying to understand where you're coming from here but your questions are so out of left field.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

Like is that where this is coming from, you're literally just unable to conceive of a way in which a child can be moved from one place to another if you haven't softened them up with a solid one-two?

I know you're deliberately being provocative, perhaps because you've only just grasped that we weren't discussing smacking well-behaved children, but physically dragging a kicking and screaming child out of a supermarket is considered abusive by some people. As I mentioned earlier, it's just one point on the sliding scale.

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

I'm happy to use less provocative language as soon as I understand the terms, but I've asked for guidance and so far you haven't directed me towards whatever Carolus Linnaeus wrote about the subtleties of hitting your kid. It's forcing me to use the terms I've got.

I would certainly hope we're not talking about hitting well-behaved children. That said, I don't think anybody in here has argued that physically removing a child (without hitting them) counts as physical abuse; i'm happy to defend the points I make, but i'm not standing in to make the merits of whatever straw man you want to carry into the conversation.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

I don't think anybody in here has argued that physically removing a child (without hitting them) counts as physical abuse

If that eases your conscience. But it's on the scale - it's a form of violence.

AJ

Replies:   julka  Grey Wolf
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

I'm having trouble connecting this to an argument, can you flesh out what you're trying to say here? You've said that hitting kids is sometimes good, I've said that hitting kid is always bad, and now you're saying "have you considered that violence is a spectrum and holding your child firmly and moving them against their will is on that spectrum?"

Sure, violence is a spectrum. I don't see an inherent contradiction between that and "under no circumstances should you hit your child", but i'm getting the sense that you do. Can you help me understand what contradiction you're seeing? I am legitimately trying to understand your point of view here and I just don't see how this is relates to the position I have staked out

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@julka

"have you considered that violence is a spectrum and holding your child firmly and moving them against their will is on that spectrum?"

Try dragging an adult woman kicking and screaming out of a supermarket.

We've established that you're prepared to use violence against children. The issue is where you draw the line.

You seem to be obsessed with punching children a couple of times in the head, given the number of times you've mentioned it. Freud wasn't always wrong.

AJ

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫
Updated:

@awnlee jawking

Adult women are not children so the mechanics of removing an adult woman while she is struggling does not seem super germane to the subject of removing a child.

As a rough cut, I would probably draw my line somewhere around "an adult should do their best to not physically hurt a child and under no circumstances perform an action which has the primary intent to cause physical pain"; that's not the only line because obviously there's other forms of abuse etc etc but if we anchor on the intent to harm and have a secondary focus of trying to avoid accidental injury where possible, I think we do pretty okay.

The only reason I keep bringing up hitting kids is because so many people here keep on telling me it's the only effective form of parenting. I don't know what to tell you on that front, I think it's fucked up too.

Edit:
Here's a good litmus test. Downthread, John D. Rodburn posted what I will call two "parenting humdingers" and challenged me to identify how I would resolve the situations and remediate the undesired behavior, noting that these are both real life situations that he encountered with his children.

I think, and I am one hundred percent convinced of this, no argument will sway me no matter how beautifully constructed and eloquent it is, that the scenarios John described are horrifying. They start with parental neglect; in one, John is leaving his two year old unattended in a room with an infant; in the other, he's leaving his eight year old son in charge of a six year old brother and a two year old brother. In both stories, a child displays bad behavior and is hit for it; the behavior is repeated and the hitting increases in intensity until the behavior is extinguished. To me, these both represent a massive failure on the part of the parent. In the first story, a two year old should have never been left unattended in that situation, and absolutely should not have been physically struck for displaying pretty standard age appropriate two-year-old behavior. In the second, it seems blindingly obvious that the middle child is begging for attention from his father and has found that the only way to reliably get that is to do something that warrants punishment, so much so that the child is pre-emptively buying into the punishment specifically to get attention.

If you read those stories and think "yes, this is parenting well done", then we're so far apart that neither of us will convince the other; we're speaking different languages that happen to be spelled the same. My response to John was basically "that all seems like your fault and you should have paid more attention to your kids", and he told me that I'm a bad parent. If you think "pay attention to your children" is bad parenting, then again, we're so far apart that neither of us will ever convince the other.

If you're able to draw the line somewhere around "okay yeah John's stories seem like abuse or at least neglect, and hitting is not the best way to resolve that" then at least we have something in common and maybe we can work outwards from there.

Grey Wolf 🚫

@awnlee jawking

This has something of a vagueness problem, to me. Yes, one can say it's a form of violence. But, in the minds of some people, so is arresting someone. Or imprisoning them. Or speaking to them harshly. Or hurting their feelings.

If one defines 'violence' in such a broad fashion, it's easy to make a great strawman. Surely, one should never be 'violent' to children, right? By the usual meaning of the word, that seems likely. I doubt most pro-spanking people consider spanking to be 'violence' (in fact, I hope they don't!).

On the other hand, Merriam-Webster says:

Violence (n): the use of physical force so as to injure, abuse, damage, or destroy

By that definition, physically removing a child is not 'violence' - it does not injure, abuse, damage, or destroy the child. But spanking is only 'violence' to the extent that it is 'abuse.' It seems nearly certain that one would have to concede that spanking was 'abusive' before one could even entertain the idea that physically removing a child from a situation could be 'abusive.'

It seems to me that asserting 'it's on the scale' for physical removal, and claiming that to be a form of violence, is also asserting that it is sometimes reasonable to be 'violent' to children (e.g. to injure, abuse, damage, or destroy them). Either that, or one would have to say that it is not reasonable to physically remove a child from a situation.

In short: this feels like a significantly counterproductive argument if one is on the side of spanking. If even physically removing a child from a situation is 'a form of violence', how could causing them pain not be 'a form of violence'? And forms of violence are, by definition, abusive, injurious, or worse.

Dominions Son 🚫

@Grey Wolf

If even physically removing a child from a situation is 'a form of violence', how could causing them pain not be 'a form of violence'? And forms of violence are, by definition, abusive, injurious, or worse.

As I read AJ's comment, he was not arguing that "physically removing a child from a situation" is violence and/or abuse. He stated that there are people who have made that argument.

Replies:   julka  awnlee jawking
julka 🚫

@Dominions Son

I'm not sure that's true? The "whatever eases your conscience" line sure makes it seem like AJ is in some way trying to argue that physically removing a child is violence and that this should weigh on me to the same extent that hitting them does, but like I said before, I'm not understanding the point they're trying to make and so I asked for clarification. Hopefully they can provide.

awnlee jawking 🚫
Updated:

@Dominions Son

As I read AJ's comment, he was not arguing that "physically removing a child from a situation" is violence and/or abuse. He stated that there are people who have made that argument.

Actually I am. Forcibly dragging away a child is bound to leave a mark on whatever appendage is used for hauling so counts as violence. It's banned in UK schools.

AJ

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Grey Wolf

how could causing them pain not be 'a form of violence'?

Forcibly dragging a child causes pain, physical and mental. So by your own extended definition, it's a form of violence.

AJ

Replies:   julka  Grey Wolf
julka 🚫
Updated:

@awnlee jawking

Okay? I agree that there are people in the world who think that picking a child up and removing them against the will of the child is violence.

I am not one of those people, so if you want to debate that, you'll probably have to go find one of them.

Edit: oh, I misread! You specifically are making the argument that removing a child against their will is abusive.

Okay. Uh, I guess I will change my followup question to "are you saying that child abuse is good"?

Replies:   Michael Loucks
Michael Loucks 🚫

@julka

Edit: oh, I misread! You specifically are making the argument that removing a child against their will is abusive.

In the UK, shouting at, criticising, humiliating, or scaring a child regularly is a criminal offence.

Good luck avoiding arrest if you are repeatedly critical of your child's repeated misbehaviour.

I'll also point out that the definition of 'unmet need' will differ significantly between you and your child.

To use a quip that I first heard when my now 37-year-old was around 2:

Q. "What is the difference between a terrorist and a toddler?"
A. "You can negotiate with a terrorist."

I raised five, and I can attest to the veracity of that quip.

Grey Wolf 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Which would mean that, by the definition of violence, it's abusive (or worse). Someone who physically removes a child, or spanks them, is therefore a child abuser and rightfully would be subject to arrest and prosecution.

Was that the intent here?

Note that 'the system has run amuck and is criminalizing bad parenting' is not an answer to this. Criminalizing violence against children is not 'run amuck,' it's basic decency. The way to claim the system has run amuck is to not characterize acceptable behavior as 'violence'. If it's violent, it's out of bounds and should be out of bounds.

Michael Loucks 🚫

@julka

If it's just you and the child, then you go home and you'll have to get your groceries later, which is inconvenient but being a parent means dealing with inconvenience sometimes.

Congratulations. You've just trained your child how to intentionally disrupt your life when they are unhappy.

Replies:   julka  awnlee jawking
julka 🚫

@Michael Loucks

Thanks for the feedback, man! Let me know when you finish reading the post because I think there are some ideas in there that you might find interesting.

Replies:   Michael Loucks
Michael Loucks 🚫

@julka

Thanks for the feedback, man! Let me know when you finish reading the post because I think there are some ideas in there that you might find interesting.

Nothing you proposed solves the problem, and it assumes the child is actually interested in your opinion and si willing to do what you ask.

I'm not arguing for corporal punishment, simply pointing out that the whole 'reason' and 'negotiate' theory fails reliably. I don't have the answers, except for what worked with my kids. They each, in their own way, found something that simply couldn't be reasoned or negotiated.

I could provide examples, but I think they'll fall on deaf ears.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫
Updated:

@Michael Loucks

Fundamentally, I think kids act up for two reasons. One reason is that there's some need which is unmet; maybe they're hungry, maybe they didn't get enough sleep, maybe they just feel like they don't have enough attention. The other reason is that sometimes kids freak out because they are young and still have developing brains and they don't have the perspective to say "it is not a catastrophic event if I have to leave the park" or "even if I don't get the candy bar that I really want, the sun will still rise tomorrow."

So when a child acts out, figure out why. If it's an unmet need, go fill the hole for them, that's part of your job. If it's something else, then let the storm pass and when the child has calmed down, talk with them about ways to help manage those big scary feelings and maybe next time will be a little bit easier, and then a little bit easier, and eventually the child figures out how to self-regulate their own emotions. It's not going to be something where progress is fully linear and you have to be able to handle backsliding, but over time things should trend in a positive direction.

Philosophically that is my approach to raising children. It's probably not perfect, but hopefully that provides more of a framework to help you see that it's not just a "I would simply negotiate with the child who is actively melting down and get them to agree that they should not be grabbing things at the store filled with things children want to grab".

But on the other hand there's a guy in here talking about how he left his two year old to supervise his newborn and the only way to prevent it from going wrong was to beat his two year old (note that this did not prevent it from going wrong) and you are just straight up not going to convince me that my approach is worse for the child than his is.

awnlee jawking 🚫

@Michael Loucks

My first thought was about single mothers, of which there are an increasing number in the UK.

With childcare unaffordable, so dependent on benefits, if the mother has no convenient friend or relative to park the kid(s) with, walking out of a supermarket because the kid(s)' having a tantrum means not eating.

No good options :-(

AJ

John D. Rodburn 🚫

@julka

If it's just you and the child, then you go home and you'll have to get your groceries later, which is inconvenient but being a parent means dealing with inconvenience sometimes.

It seems to me that you have no children. And if you do have them, then they're not the best behaved kids.

Children will test you and see what they can get away with. If there is no strong enough deterrent, they will keep pushing and will find the best ways to extort you. Tantrums are their way to disrupt you until you give them something you don't want to give.

What if you don't have another time to do your groceries trip? What if the other parent isn't present and you have no choice but to take the child to every trip? What if the child is one of those ultra-stubborn ones?

Anecdotally, my own experiences. I have three boys that are teens now, so talking to them works.

But, situation #1:

Oldest boy (Joe), 2 years old. Second boy (Tim), newborn. (not their real names)

Since the birth of Tim, Joe was fascinated with his eyes. Tim has striking eyes.

Joe insisted on touching Tim's eyeballs. After a week of explaining and getting more assertive with Joe to not touch his brother's eyeball, the final solution was a hard, painful smack on the back of the hand, with my own hand, when Joe reached his finger to his brother's eye. Since that smack, Joe would look at me before trying to reach. Raising my hand in a smacking gesture would stop him.

However, a few days later, I heard a sharp scream from Tim's room and went to investigate and found Joe hiding in the corner. I looked at Tim and he was crying literally bloody tears. I took Tim to the doctor and thankfully it was only a mild scratch in the white area of the eyeball.

Coming back home, I sat Joe down and explained to him that what he did was bad and he should never repeat it again, and he had earned a spanking. I spanked his bottom hard making sure to repeat that he was not to touch his brother's eyeballs, ever.

That fixed it. And from that day forth, I only had to mention spanking to Joe whenever he insisted on not listening.

Situation #2:

Tim, now 6 years old, and Jim, 2 years old.

Tim is very stubborn and hard-headed, and at the time, abusive of Jim.

Whenever Joe goes out of the room leaving Tim and Jim alone, Tim would do all kinds of things to make his brother cry. It seems he enjoyed it. From taking his toys to hitting him. Invariably, whenever Tim is alone with Jim, Jim is crying. Joe (then 8) was Jim's defender.

I set up cameras in the house to observe their behavior when away from me. If you're not a parent, you can say that I should always be present, or their mom should be present, but that's not always possible and only a moron would suggest that.

Anyway, for a while, whenever Jim would cry, I would go through the cameras' recording to see what happened, and invariably, it would be Tim abusing his brother.

I followed an escalating punishment strategy, and what made it reach the spanking stage was Tim coming to me, handing me his favorite toy (I took it from him for a short time when he did something bad), and then went and hit his brother.

That told me we reached the spanking stage, the price for bad behavior was acceptable to Tim and he was willing to pay it.

Tim was stubborn enough that it took several spankings for him to stop abusing his brother.

I was lucky that I was able to work from home to be always close enough to deal with things as they happened.

So @julka, how would you have dealt with these situations and fixed the behavior?

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫
Updated:

@John D. Rodburn

Wait, hang on, you can't possibly be describing this correctly because I have no idea how you think this supports "hitting kids helps them learn".

Let me summarize and maybe you can point out where I'm getting it wrong.

You have two boys, Joe (older) and Tim (younger). Joe has a fascination with touching Tim's eyes, you told him not to, and eventually you found the "final solution", as you term it, and when Joe went to touch Tim's eyes you hit him pretty hard. When Joe went to touch Tim's eye, you would prepare to hit him again, and Joe would stop.

Anyways, Joe touched Tim's eye again, scratched it pretty bad, and so you hit him a lot more, and told him not to touch Tim's eye, and there were no repeat incidents.

So uh, I'm not sure why you call hitting Joe on the hand the final solution, because it wasn't at all? Your story here is "my two year old had poor impulse control and so I hit him, which weirdly failed to solve his poor impulse control and so I had to go really beat up my two year old, who statistically had a vocabulary of somewhere between two to three hundred words and had recently mastered the art of combining two words together into a coherent phrase, and this didn't fully solve the problem but I was able to intervene every time it came up again".

Like holy fuck dude. You left your two year old unsupervised with your newborn infant, and bad things happened, that's why you probably shouldn't leave your two year old unsupervised in an area that is not child-proof? A space with a newborn is not child-proofed for a toddler, because part of child proofing a space is making sure that there's nothing they can damage or hurt themselves with in the area to avoid exactly scenarios like what you describe. So uh, my answer to how I prevent the first scenario is "the scenario is the result of parental malfeasance, so I would simply not leave my toddler in a situation where they had the unsupervised opportunity to touch my newborn's eyes, especially after they had repeatedly expressed an interest in touching the eyes."

I have one child, a little under 18 months old; I also have two cats. One cat generally fucks off and stays out of reach, the other is extremely social and has always loved to hang out with the baby. Since literally day one introductions we have stressed "gentle hands with kitty, no hitting, no grabbing, gentle hands" and demonstrate slow open hand petting the kitty, even holding my child's hand and moving it across the cat so he can feel what it's like. He is, at this point, pretty good at gentle hands. We still don't leave him unsupervised with the cat and if he's petting the cat one of us is always keeping a very close eye on him because sometimes it's hard and he forgets, because he's ~18 months old. Your kid had barely started moving past peekaboo being the height of entertainment and you decided it was easier to really beat him up than to make a place in your house where he could safely entertain himself, Jesus. I feel so sorry for Joe here.

Okay, situation two, which I'll sum up again. Tim is acting out (and probably with some mild anger issues, if you've treated him at all like you did his older brother) and reacting poorly to the arrival of a newborn. You leave both your eight year old and your six year old unsupervised regularly with your two year old - you neatly sidestep this issue by saying "only a moron would say to never leave their children unattended" which i'm gonna have to disagree there, dude, you should absolutely not be leaving your two year old unattended and you should absolutely not be making your eight year old responsible for supervising both his younger brother and his toddler brother?

Anyways, so Tim is acting up. He's got parents who leave him alone and unsupervised and he's got a dad who would rather hit first and then hit second as well because hitting first didn't solve the problem, but he didn't choose his family so he's kinda stuck with the situation. Poor Tim.

The specific way in which Tim is acting up is by tormenting his two year old brother, an outcome that's completely unforeseeable until you read literally any parenting book about raising multiple children and get to the chapter that talks about how older kids can often resent younger siblings for taking parental attention away and act out as a way to force getting attention, because getting negative attention is better than being ignored. So one question that's top of mind here is "does Tim feel like he is getting quality time with his parents, both of them together and also special one-on-one time with mom and with dad?" Considering that Dad has habitually been leaving Tim unattended since birth, and believes that only a moron would never leave a two year old unsupervised, I feel like we can infer a pretty solid answer here. You start hitting tim, which takes a while to really sink in, and the behavior fades.

I would handle that issue by a) not leaving my two year old child alone and supervised exclusively by other children. That's why people pay for daycare or a nanny or leave their kids with family while they're at work. Yes, it's expensive, kids are expensive. The one weird trick you've discovered to avoid this expense is parental neglect.

Anyways, I would also b) make sure that I set aside specific and regular one-on-one time with both of my older children to talk to them and make sure they are getting actual attention from me, which means that now they don't need to act out to get attention. Will this solve the problem instantly? No, probably not, but also neither did winding up and really letting loose on your kid's ass, and on the whole, spending positive time with your kid sounds a lot more fair than posting a sign that says "the beatings will continue until morale improves" and pointing to it meaningfully every morning when you leave your kids alone and go work upstairs.

Edit: I also want to briefly address this part about tantrums, now that I've finished processing the story about how you ignore your kids and then hit them when they get into trouble that you should have seen coming if you weren't ignoring your kids.

Children will test you and see what they can get away with. If there is no strong enough deterrent, they will keep pushing and will find the best ways to extort you. Tantrums are their way to disrupt you until you give them something you don't want to give.

…so? A couple days ago my toddler had a tantrum. We were cooking burgers on the grill. He wanted to be involved, a developmentally appropriate milestone for his age, and we would not let him touch the grill. This was upsetting, and so he started screaming and crying, inconsolable.

We said "I can hear that you're upset, bud! You want to help and you can't, and that's pretty tough. But you can't touch the grill because it's not safe, and I love you too much to let you do that." And continued cooking the burgers. When I had a chance, I made an effort to redirect him into playing with trucks and that worked for a bit, then he wanted to help mom again, melted down again, and we just let it happen. Sometimes toddlers are upset and they have tantrums, you don't have to respond. You can just say "that's rough, kiddo" and let them be upset and if they are open to being redirected you can redirect them and if what they want to do is be upset, you can just let them explore those emotions in a safe, controlled environment where you are supervising them and making sure they don't hurt themselves or somebody around them.

If you're not a parent, you can say that I should always be present, or their mom should be present, but that's not always possible and only a moron would suggest that.

Depending on the eight year old, I can see case-by-case arguments for leaving them home alone. Every child matures at a different rate, so I don't want to lay down a blanket pronouncement about when a kid is old enough to manage themselves for short periods of time - at eight, I think you can probably talk with them to go through things like "I'll be out of the house for two hours, if there's an emergency, what do you do?" Etc and get a sense for if the child feels confident about the situation. Depending on the two children, I can even maybe see leaving them alone together if the six year old is on the mature side. If there's a two year old in the mix, that changes things dramatically. You should not be leaving a two year old unsupervised and an eight year old does not count as supervision. How do we know this is a bad plan? Maybe your eight year old tells you, in tears, that things go wrong and he isn't able to fix the situation? That seems like a pretty solid indication that your plan of "have my third grader be a single parent of two for the day, five days a week" is a bad one. You're the adult, you had three kids, it is your responsibility to line up care for them. That's hard! Nobody said being a parent was easy, that's why we try to warn teenagers off it! I'll readily agree that hitting your kids is way easier than being a parent, but that doesn't make it a good option.

Replies:   John D. Rodburn
John D. Rodburn 🚫

@julka

I have one child, a little under 18 months old;

Yeah, don't have another. You're not qualified to raise them into good people.

Replies:   julka
julka 🚫

@John D. Rodburn

Thanks, that means a lot; you've told me what you think good parenting looks like and I'm glad to think I won't do anything like that.

EricR 🚫

@awnlee jawking

You have a truculent child. How do you get it under control?

A promise to behave made inside the car isn't worth two cents once in the supermarket, with lots of sweets and shiny things.

This is one of the classic examples cited by those in favor of corporal punishment. Typically, the child complies for a few moments and then repeats the behavior, so no gain. If the only reliable tool a parent has is the threat or application of physical force, the child never practices internal regulation. That's what this is -- a need for the child to internally regulate. The parent also models that bigger people may use pain to get compliance. That lesson travels: the child may later use the same logic with peers, siblings, or (as an adult) partners. The research association between childhood corporal punishment and later aggressive or coercive behavior is one of the more consistent findings in the literature.

The way to teach the child to comply (and self-regulate) this is:

1) Explain the rules outside before you go in. "We are only buying the items on the list. No candy. But you can help push the cart, check the items off the list, or pick the apples / oranges / whatever". Keep the child engaged. Avoid shopping when it's hungry or tired.

2) If the behavior surfaces, move the child away from the trigger, stay calm, re-explain what was agreed, and if necessary invoke a consequence ("we're going home now", or "we're going to the car for a few minutes for a timeout").

3) Reinforce the behaviour you want -- praise when they stay near the card, or when they accept a "no", or a small reward for when they got home, but not a reward in the store.

4) Repeated practice, until the child can walk past the candy counter without a meltdown.

Nobody said parenting was easy.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫

@EricR

You missed a step.

The part of the brain governing the ability to make wise decisions doesn't mature until the child is in its late twenties - check car insurance rates.

So you should have added to wait until the child is 28.

AJ

Replies:   julka  EricR
julka 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Yes, you have correctly identified that brains mature slowly over time and that parenting is a process which requires continual work and engagement on the part of the parent.

Is, uh, is that meant to disagree with anything Eric or I have said about how it's possible to parent without resorting to hitting your kids?

EricR 🚫

@awnlee jawking

Yeah - children learn at different rates. We're all unique.

Look, I live this every time I spend time with my grand children. Sometimes they're infuriating. But we're the adults. We are the ones who (supposedly) already know how to self-regulate. BTW I'm darned impressed by how our children are navigating this - they're way better at it than I ever was.

Replies:   awnlee jawking
awnlee jawking 🚫
Updated:

@EricR

As far as Europe is concerned, the French were once widely regarded as having the best behaved children. But they're now adopting soft-parenting, with the resultant decline in the standard of their children's public behaviour.

Opinion polls in France show similar levels of opposition to smacking in the UK, but as this report shows, there's uncertainty about what constitutes smacking.

AJ

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@awnlee jawking

There is also the incident in Ireland recently (Those outside of the UK may not know about this) where five young boys were killed in a car crash after ploughing head-on into another car whose occupants were about to fly out on holiday.

At first, it was the usual, "What a tragedy", "The poor families" "What a loss to the community, etc etc.

And then the details started to come out. The boys were all wearing balaclavas; they had deliberately chosen to drive the wrong way down a dual carriageway because they knew police would not follow; all had substantial criminal records; all were well known to the Gardai (Irish police), there was (is?) some uncertainty as to who owned the BMW they were driving.

Basically, it turns out, all of them were little shits, and had been since they were old enough to walk. Because of their young age and ethnic background (Think dodgy driveways and even dodgier home repairs and garden work), no discernible action appears to have been taken to adjust their behaviour because those in power and positions to do so, didn't want the negative press, accusations of bias etc etc.

The kids knew this, knew the system, knew how to play it (Like escaping a police pursuit by driving the wrong way down a road because police will not follow), and lived life to their own rules. Rules learned from their parents and the knowledge that they were basically 'untouchable'.

Except from death.

These kids had made life absolute hell for everyone who lived in the area who was 'not one of them'.

These children should have been taught boundaries and the behaviour expected of them by the general public. Was the failure their parents? Undoubtably. Was this compounded by a failure of the state to step in when the parents didn't? Again, without a doubt.

The parents will grieve the loss, and will no doubt blame everyone but themselves, but they have to take responsibility for nurturing the behaviour and decision-making process that led to the pointless loss of life.

(And Julka, I do not see your posts as I blocked you ages ago, given -as AJ put it- your stuck record replies and autistic fixation on irrelevant detail.)

Replies:   julka  EricR
julka 🚫

@Pixy I

Dogg don't get mad at me because I took the time to read the study, you said you wanted people to discuss it and I foolishly assumed you were talking about the study in the newspaper article and not the one you invented from whole cloth in your mind.

EricR 🚫
Updated:

@Pixy I

I'm not certain that you can make the case that criminal behavior by juveniles could have been prevented by corporal punishment...

But I agree with you that they should have been taught boundaries, that it was a failure of parenting etc etc.

Replies:   Pixy I
Pixy I 🚫

@EricR

I'm not certain that you can make the case that criminal behavior by juveniles could have been prevented by corporal punishment...

The initial crime, probably not, but if you make the response to that crime, suitably unpleasant, would that not have a deterrent effect?

The response does not need to be physical. It could simply be a restriction of privileges (ie, removal of their phone for a set time, not being allowed to watch TV for a set time, the removal of a favourite toy for a set time, etc etc). An unpleasant response that reinforces the knowledge that certain actions come with consequences.

The one thing I don't think anyone will argue with, is the knowledge that once a child (or indeed an adult) realises they can get away with their objectionable behaviour without any repercussions, they are going to keep doing it and will escalate to see where the line is.

Since there are quite a few military loitering here, I'm pretty sure they have all seen instances where 'errant' adult behaviour has been adjusted by either the loss of weekend passes (ROP's), watching their locker (and its contents), leaving the room via the window, or 'additional' PT. ie "There's a nice patch of (insert unpleasant foliage here) why don't you start crawling through it...."

And yes, I do agree that sometimes punishment has no effect on some individuals, as they just internalise it as the world being against them rather than it being the other way round. Those individuals are the truly dangerous ones, as they tend to have no consideration for others and you will inevitably see them on the news years later.

Which leads us back to the question, "Are some people just born bad?"

Replies:   Grey Wolf
Grey Wolf 🚫

@Pixy I

I would make this 'without any repercussions meaningful to the person.'

Taking away phones works for while, for instance. If you keep doing it, the response is 'Oh, well, I can live without my phone right now - I've done it plenty of times before.'

That's a bit different than 'punishment has no effect' (or, at least, I think it is). Many punishments follow a diminishing-returns law. The first time, it's a big deal. The tenth time, it's an inconvenience.

This probably relates to 'spanking', broadly, in the sense that e.g. a swat on the butt or hand to prevent someone touching a hot stove or some other particularly bad behavior likely works. But, over time, it becomes 'Huh - so-and-so hits me sometimes. Oh, well. Sucks!'

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