Not a bad story idea, but holy shit it needs editing. I tried to send constructive criticism but the email is turned off. Dbuck if you see this, excellent story, it just needs to be polished bruv.
EDIT: Had some information about him, that's a shame that people on this site can be so fucking nasty. Pity, the guys got talent and with a little bit of polishing it could be an amazing piece of work.
Keep at Dbuck, the only way you get better is with practice. Not all of us on here are cunts.