Mat Twassel: Blog

It seems we don't hear much about bandwidth anymore. And Blogs, popular twenty years ago, fell out of favor, but maybe they've resurged. As for ASSM, essentially defunct. With this in mind, I offer an early blog entry, thinking perhaps the Library of Congress is interested.

Alleviating the Bandwidth Problem

It has come to my attention that ASSM is in danger. Bandwidth is being consumed at an alarming rate. If the trend continues, we will run out of bandwidth long before the year 2000. If something doesn't change, sex stories will be little more than a memory, a gleam in Benny Goodman's eye. Our children, and our children's children might actually need to mate in order to know the deep joys of sexual expression. What can we do about it?

Here are my suggestions:

Readers--learn to read faster. Sign up for an Evelyn Woods seminar. Combine speed with acumen by studying old Reader's Digest articles on increasing your word power. Nothing costs bandwidth like having to stop midstream to look up coitus and lanuginous and lascivious in the dictionary. In short, prepare yourself to get on and get off.

Writers--stop using big words. Write fuck and downy and horny instead. But don't stop there. Get to the crux of your story quicker. An in-depth study of sex-stories conducted by an independent sexology research team measured orgasm trigger-efficiencies. Of all sex story sentences, according to the study, a woman uttering the phrase, "Oh God, I'm gonna come, oh, oh, I'm coming, ooooooh!" most rapidly brings about the male reader's climax. Meanwhile, female readers come most quickly when they read, "Suck it, bitch, suck it slow and deep."

The following sex story should serve as the model:

Ellen's Slutty Sister--by Mat Twassel

"Suck it, bitch," he said, "Suck it deep and slow."

"Oh God," she said, "I'm gonna come. Oh, oh, I'm coming, oooooh!"

-End-

Instead of padding the sex story with useless and tedious descriptions, writers should enhance their work, and make it easier on the reader, by applying appropriate story codes. Here's the key:

Male's cock size: (H uge or M onstrous)
Female tit size: (P erky or B ig or H umongous)
Female hair color: (R ed or B lond)
Female age: (Y oung or Y ounger or Y oungest)
Female clit size: (P erky or B ig or H umongous)
Female experience (V irgin or S lut)
Pussy: (B are or B ushy)
Story location: (B ed or B reakfast table or B athroom or
neighbor's B ackyard)
Daddy's brand of scotch: ( )

Thus "Ellen's Slutty Sister" could be marked: MPBYBVBBB&B and the readers really have a jump start towards bliss and satisfaction.

--Mat Twassel

Today we're halfway to Valentine's Day, according to my February Calendar. I have good memories of those Valentine cards with fuzzy hearts and lots of glitter. Also those little heart-shaped sugar candies with words on them-you know, like "BE MINE" and "KISS" and "DON'T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR SEATBELT." Now I can't remember what those candies are called. I suppose they still make them. I'll check on Amazon.

In addition to today's little Valentine ditty, in a sort of celebration, I posted an older story, "The Way to Pittsburgh," because I notice that here at SOL it's Clitorides Season, and this story, long long ago, got a nomination, even though it wasn't posted to SOL.

February being Valentine's Day month, I plan to post a little Valentines' Day story each day through the 14th.

What do you think of illustrated stories?

I took great delight in the bedtime stories my parents read to me when I was a small child. Two of my favorites were Babar the Elephant and Scuppers the Sailor Dog. The pictures certainly contributed to the pleasures of the story. They shaped my imagination. The world of those stories would not have been so rich without them.

Growing up I had little access to comic books. Hard to imagine comic books without pictures. I had a Lone Ranger and a Superman. Both characters appealed to me, but I can't recall anything about the stories, and I remember the illustrations only in the most amorphous way.

From time to time I've encountered novels with illustrations, from works by Dickens and Trollope to mysteries by Conan Doyle, but I don't think the pictures were ever vital to those stories. Often the plates appeared out of place, pages or even chapters behind or ahead of the scene they depicted. And while the illustrations themselves were enjoyable, they didn't necessarily mesh with the pictures I'd formed of the characters.

Several years ago I read a couple of graphic novels. It struck me as I was reading the stories that I was only noticing the illustrations in a most cursory way. Essentially I flew through the text with the many pictures providing some sort of out of focus ground cover. That's not to say the pictures were useless or even a distraction or detraction. The story wouldn't have worked very well without them. It would have seemed skeletal.

It gives me pleasure to try illustrating my own stories. Whether they enhance the experience of reading the story or detract from it, I can't really say. Ideally the pictures are an important and valuable part of the story. They don't collide with the reader's concept of character or action but rather inform, and in the best case they contribute in an essential way, even to the extent that the story would not work without them.

Many of the stories I've posted to SOL were completed years before I'd done any illustrations. For those stories, the pictures might be best considered supplemental, like jacket covers or footnotes. Other times I'm inspired by something to do a picture, and the story arises in part from the picture. The other day, for example, I noticed the dried flowers in a vase sitting on the credenza in our dining room. It has been there for years, and I have to admit I've paid it scant attention. I can't say the dried flowers are especially attractive or evocative. If I were an artist back in the 18th or 19th century the thing could have been part of a still life, but alone it likely wouldn't be suitable. This thought gave me an idea. Using my cellphone camera I took a picture of the flowers, and then using the art application Snap Art I made it into a sort of painting. I know it's going to become part of an erotic story called "Petals," though what exactly that story will be or whether the "painting" will even appear is unknown to me right now. We'll see.

If you want to see my "painting" it should be available here:
https://mmtwassel.wixsite.com/stories/petals

My little chapter story "Hooping" concludes today. I had thought it might overtake "Little Cat Feet" and maybe even catch "Rhino in Room 504" for 105th place in my story rankings, but it looks like it will be lucky to stay above "Bad Sex" and "Necrophiliac," especially given the ending. Potential readers should note I've added the caution code.