Mat Twassel: Blog

Nice and sunny out the last couple of days and the snow has melted off the streets, so instead of staying indoors and doing flights of stairs I can go out jogging, which I did. The first day it was 44F. Today, for my second run, I improved my time by one second, and the temperature was 28F. Now, if I can continue to chop one second off my previous time, after a month of running, thirty-one days, the temperature will be -460F, absolute zero, at which point all motion will stop, and I can relax.

First of all, let me be clear. I find racism abhorrent.

Yesterday I read about a law professor who was relieved of his position after he included in the text of an exam question the sentence:

Employer's lawyer traveled to meet the manager, who stated that she quit her job at Employer after she attended a meeting in which other managers expressed their anger at Plaintiff, calling her a "n____" and "b____" (profane expressions for African Americans and women) and vowed to get rid of her.

That very day a nearby school district dropped Mark Twain's novel Huckleberry Finn from the high school curriculum because the word nigger appears more than two hundred times. The school board decision was unanimous and no English teacher disagreed with the removal.

Obviously there is only one cure for this sort of ludicrous and misguided PC run amok. Strike the affronting letter from our alphabet.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as sow.
Ad everywhere that Mary wet
The lamb was sure to go.

With story Cupid's Arrow which I've posted today, I've completed the February runup to Valentine's Day.

You can find the Valentine's card I'm delivering to my special honey here:

https://mmtwassel.wixsite.com/stories/valentine

It seems we don't hear much about bandwidth anymore. And Blogs, popular twenty years ago, fell out of favor, but maybe they've resurged. As for ASSM, essentially defunct. With this in mind, I offer an early blog entry, thinking perhaps the Library of Congress is interested.

Alleviating the Bandwidth Problem

It has come to my attention that ASSM is in danger. Bandwidth is being consumed at an alarming rate. If the trend continues, we will run out of bandwidth long before the year 2000. If something doesn't change, sex stories will be little more than a memory, a gleam in Benny Goodman's eye. Our children, and our children's children might actually need to mate in order to know the deep joys of sexual expression. What can we do about it?

Here are my suggestions:

Readers--learn to read faster. Sign up for an Evelyn Woods seminar. Combine speed with acumen by studying old Reader's Digest articles on increasing your word power. Nothing costs bandwidth like having to stop midstream to look up coitus and lanuginous and lascivious in the dictionary. In short, prepare yourself to get on and get off.

Writers--stop using big words. Write fuck and downy and horny instead. But don't stop there. Get to the crux of your story quicker. An in-depth study of sex-stories conducted by an independent sexology research team measured orgasm trigger-efficiencies. Of all sex story sentences, according to the study, a woman uttering the phrase, "Oh God, I'm gonna come, oh, oh, I'm coming, ooooooh!" most rapidly brings about the male reader's climax. Meanwhile, female readers come most quickly when they read, "Suck it, bitch, suck it slow and deep."

The following sex story should serve as the model:

Ellen's Slutty Sister--by Mat Twassel

"Suck it, bitch," he said, "Suck it deep and slow."

"Oh God," she said, "I'm gonna come. Oh, oh, I'm coming, oooooh!"

-End-

Instead of padding the sex story with useless and tedious descriptions, writers should enhance their work, and make it easier on the reader, by applying appropriate story codes. Here's the key:

Male's cock size: (H uge or M onstrous)
Female tit size: (P erky or B ig or H umongous)
Female hair color: (R ed or B lond)
Female age: (Y oung or Y ounger or Y oungest)
Female clit size: (P erky or B ig or H umongous)
Female experience (V irgin or S lut)
Pussy: (B are or B ushy)
Story location: (B ed or B reakfast table or B athroom or
neighbor's B ackyard)
Daddy's brand of scotch: ( )

Thus "Ellen's Slutty Sister" could be marked: MPBYBVBBB&B and the readers really have a jump start towards bliss and satisfaction.

--Mat Twassel

Today we're halfway to Valentine's Day, according to my February Calendar. I have good memories of those Valentine cards with fuzzy hearts and lots of glitter. Also those little heart-shaped sugar candies with words on them-you know, like "BE MINE" and "KISS" and "DON'T FORGET TO WEAR YOUR SEATBELT." Now I can't remember what those candies are called. I suppose they still make them. I'll check on Amazon.

In addition to today's little Valentine ditty, in a sort of celebration, I posted an older story, "The Way to Pittsburgh," because I notice that here at SOL it's Clitorides Season, and this story, long long ago, got a nomination, even though it wasn't posted to SOL.