Chapter 7: A Confidential Request

September 6, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

On Sunday morning, I actually slept until the alarm rang, though I’d slept fitfully. I showered, dressed for church, then went downstairs to get Rachel from Tasha, who had cared for her overnight.

“She just had her bottle,” Tasha said. “And has a clean diaper. Serafima and Allyssa will meet you at the church so you can serve with Father Nicholas, which you should do, Mishka, because it always puts you in a better frame of mind.”

“Thank you for arranging things,” I said.

“Mike, have your friends come here this afternoon,” Doctor Blahnik said. “There’s so much more room. They can use the kitchen here.”

“Thanks,” I replied. “We’ll do that.”

I picked up Rachel’s bag, slung it over my shoulder, then took her out to the car. I put her into her car seat, and once she was buckled in and secure, I got into the driver’s seat and headed for Saint Michael the Archangel. When I arrived, I saw Mark’s and Elias’ cars, so I pulled in next to them. Alyssa and Serafima, who were sitting on the bench outside, came to meet me.

“The guys are inside getting ready, but will come out if you plan to say prayers for Elizaveta.”

“I do,” I replied.

Alyssa went into the church to get Mark and Elias, while Serafima got Rachel from her car seat. I grabbed Rachel’s bag, along with the bag that held my vestments and prayer books, and we made our way to Elizaveta’s grave, where I put my garment bag and Rachel’s bag on a bench. Once Mark and Elias joined us, I chanted the prayers for the departed, with Mark, Elias, Alyssa, and Serafima chanting the responses.

“Are you going to serve, Deacon?” Serafima asked as we made our way into the church after completing the prayers

“Yes, I think so.”

We went into the church, and while Mark and Elias resumed their duties, I went to Father Nicholas’ office, leaving Rachel with Serafima.

“Do you need confession?” Father Nicholas asked after I received his blessing and let him know I planned to serve.

“Believe it or not, I don’t feel as if I have anything to confess.”

“That’s not really surprising, given the circumstances. Lara let me know you were having trouble sleeping.”

“On Friday night I let Annette, Doctor Cooper’s daughter, take Rachel and finally got some sleep, just as I did last night when Tasha took care of Rachel. But it wasn’t the waking up for Rachel that was the problem, it’s the difficulty in falling asleep and difficulty in sleeping soundly.”

“Have you spoken to any of the doctors?”

“Yes, my Resident, Doctor Kelly. I want to avoid taking any drugs of any kind, so that limits what can be done. This is exactly the kind of situation that leads doctors to drink, abuse prescription drugs, or engage in other self-destructive behavior. I saw Doctor Mercer last Wednesday, and I’ll see her again on Monday evening.”

“Did you speak with His Grace?”

“Yesterday. He encouraged me to come to Columbus one Sunday next month, after I’m back in McKinley.”

“Just let me know. Everything is set for Rachel’s baptism, and I’ve met with Elias and Serafima about being her godparents and their responsibilities. Did you complete your work with your attorney?”

“My mom will have the copies for me to review tomorrow. If there are no changes, I’ll sign them in front of a hospital administrator who is also a notary next week.”

“Good. How is your training going?”

“OK. Doctor Kelly, my Resident, is being cautious, but so am I. That’s mostly because of lack of sleep, but also because of the emotional distress. The thing is, working is the one time when I can completely focus on something and not dwell on what happened. I’ve tried reading, and it helps somewhat, but even The Stand and The Final Diagnosis trigger thoughts.”

“But working with women delivering babies doesn’t?”

“It’s a ‘doctor mode’ thing,” I replied. “That used to be me ALL the time, but certain young women, and a couple of guys, forced me out of that mode in my everyday life. I believe you think that’s a good thing.”

“Yes, of course, though obviously, you need to find a way to get more sleep. Or better sleep, I guess.”

“I know,” I replied. “I’ll speak with Doctor Mercer about it.”

“Good. I spoke with Viktor last night after Vespers. I appreciate you making the effort with Yulia.”

“She needs help, Father. According to Anna and Geno, she’s refusing to speak to a counselor, and she’s allowing the grief to tear her up. I know all about that, but because of Rachel, I force myself to do the things I need to do. Without her, well, let’s just say that I could see myself being in the same situation as Yulia, or worse.”

“That is the concern His Grace and I both have for you, but I’m sure you’re aware of that.”

“Keenly,” I replied.

“Who are you spending time with this weekend?”

“The usual gang,” I replied. “Either Peter or Robby will be with me at all times except when I’m here at church or sleeping. And the girls are all doting on Rachel. I’m sure when we go to say our entry prayers, you’ll see a gaggle of teenage girls vying for Rachel’s attention!”

Father Nicholas nodded, “That does seem to happen every single time a new baby arrives! Changing topics, are you saying your prayers?”

“Yes, morning and evening, and I say the abbreviated prayers for the departed for Elizaveta every evening. Just before I came into the church this morning, Mark, Alyssa, Serafima, Elias, Rachel, and I prayed the prayers at Elizaveta’s grave.”

“Will you attend Vespers at Saint George on Wednesdays?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Let’s go say our entry prayers.”

We left his office and went to the nave, where, as I’d predicted, Rachel was the center of attention among the teen girls who had arrived early for Matins. Father and I said our prayers, then went into the altar to begin preparations for Matins and the Divine Liturgy. As always my senses were overwhelmed by the incense, oil lamps, votive candles, icons, chanting, singing, and, of course, the Eucharist. For about four hours I was at peace.

After the services concluded, I ate a light lunch with the congregation, but skipped Sunday School, as I wasn’t teaching, and Rachel would need to eat. I headed back to Anicka’s house, fed Rachel, changed her diaper, and then put her down to sleep. I went downstairs to get a cup of tea, and took it to the great room.

“Hi, Mike,” Milena said, coming into the house about ten minutes later.

“Hi,” I replied. “No Joel?”

“He and Abigail are having daddy/daughter time. Once a month I come to spend time with Mom, see some friends, and he gets to bond with Abigail without mommy being there.”

“She’s just over a year old, right?”

“Yes. She’s learning to walk, but she’s pretty unsteady at this point.”

“When did you start her on solid food?” I asked.

“At about six months, but just mashed fruit like bananas and peaches. Then carrots, peas, and rice. Now she nibbles on bagels, in addition to solid food.”

“You’re still nursing her?”

“Yes, though she gets bottles of expressed milk during the day when I’m teaching or have office hours.”

“Thanks. Obviously, Rachel is only ten days old, but I’m trying to be as prepared as possible.”

“Given nobody else is here except Mom, can I ask you something?”

“I don’t know the answer to that question,” I replied.

“Not that you’re thinking about doing it at this point, but there’s literally no provision for you to remarry, is there?”

“None. Well, I suppose some kind of extreme «ekonomia», but that would risk a rebellion amongst the clergy and laity, and create an impossible situation for the bishop in the future.”

“That just seems harsh, given you’re only twenty-four.”

“Harsher than you think,” I replied. “Some complete idiot could suggest my name for the next vacant episcopal see.”

“Bishop Michael?” Milena asked.

“Bite your tongue!”

“May I say something as a completely irreligious person?”

“I don’t believe I’ve ever been able to stop you!”

Milena smiled, “True. We Blahnik women may be Czech instead of Russian, but we’re just as fierce! You need to consider what’s in Rachel’s best interest. I think you’re a devoted, loving, empathetic dad, but Rachel will need a woman’s touch.”

“Which is why I selected Serafima and Elias as her godparents.”

“I didn’t intend to start a debate, but I wanted to make sure you are considering what’s in Rachel’s best interest in the long term.”

“I understand, and that’s the question I ask myself about everything I do — what’s in Rachel’s best interest. But right now, well, I can’t even contemplate what you’re suggesting.”

“I wasn’t suggesting that,” Milena said. “I was really just wondering if you had other options.”

“Lifetime celibacy or laicization,” I replied. “Those are the only two realistic options.”

“Thanks for answering, and I’m sorry if it distressed you.”

“You aren’t the first person to ask or imply the question,” I replied. “And you won’t be the last. But right now, I’m focused on Rachel and on completing my OB Clerkship. The future will, at least for now, have to take care of itself. Once I’m back in McKinley full time, I’ll start to think about everything, most importantly how I’m going to care for Rachel long-term. The real challenge will come during Residency, but that doesn’t start until June of 1989.”

“How are things with your in-laws?”

“Viktor is a man of his word, so I’m not concerned about our arrangement. Yulia is emotionally distressed, the same as I am, but she doesn’t have anything to focus on the way I have with my clinical rotations.”

“Are you seeing someone?”

“Yes. The same counselor I’ve been seeing off and on since Freshman year; she’s the same one who’s helping Angie with behavioral counseling.”

“Mom and I are going out. Do you need anything?”

“Not that I can think of,” I replied. “The girls are bringing what they need for dinner, and I have plenty of formula, diapers, and wipes.”

Anicka came downstairs, the two women said ‘goodbye’, then they left. About twenty minutes later, my friends began arriving — Tasha, Lara, Mark, Alyssa, Sophia, Robby, Serafima, Elias, Jocelyn, Gene, Peter, and Clarissa. I was grateful to Anicka for allowing us to use her house, as that many people in the cottage would have been nigh on impossible.

“You seem to be doing better today,” Clarissa said when we had a moment alone later in the afternoon.

“Not really,” I replied. “Those crying episodes are totally random and I can’t even predict what will set them off. Yesterday it was the house Elizaveta and I planned to build, but I can mention it now and don’t feel tears welling up. The same is true about the conversation I had with Milena where she asked about the celibacy rules.”

“She’s married!” Clarissa smirked.

“Not THAT, you nut!” I chuckled. “But about options for the future.”

“There aren’t any, right? I mean either you stay a deacon and never marry again, or you ask to be laicized so you can marry.”

“Those are the options, but as I explained to Milena, I can’t even contemplate that now. I’m focused on finishing my rotation in Cincinnati. I have childcare worked out, at least for now, with Lara, and that’s the key to being able to continue my rotations. Rachel and medical school are my only priorities.”

“As it should be.”

“How are things with Tessa?” I asked.

“Very, very good. Living with her is different from Abby, and everything is perfect.”

“You could have invited her,” I said.

“I did, but she felt you needed time with your closest friends. She’ll come with me next week.”

“Good.”

We had just returned to the great room when I heard Rachel fussing, so I went to get her from the bassinet which was in the music room. I changed her, made a bottle, then offered it to her, a routine which I had down pat after just over a week. One thing it made me realize was just how difficult things had been for April and Tasha as single moms. I didn’t know that I could sustain that for eighteen years.

“Lost in thought?” Jocelyn asked quietly, sitting down on the arm of the comfortable chair where I was feeding Rachel.

“Contemplating the enormity of the responsibility I have for Rachel,” I replied. “Have you spoken with Dale since the funeral?”

“Not since he left.”

“I spoke to him yesterday, and he ran into Pam, his first college fling, on his flight home. They went out while she was in Seattle and plan to see each other again.”

“Interesting!” Jocelyn replied, drawing out the word.

“That’s what I thought, too. Dale’s been dating in Seattle, but nothing serious. He really did like Pam, but it was just a fling and she was a party girl. He said she buckled down after a year or two, the same way he did. Speaking of school, how is your semester shaping up?”

“Reading, research, and writing. But I love it! Gene’s courses are going well, too. Is there anything we can do for you?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“Let us know if there is.”

“I will, Jos. I promise.”

I finished feeding Rachel, then held her for a short time, though all the young women wanted a chance to hold her. Eventually, they gave her back and I put her in her bassinet to sleep.

We had a nice meal and a quiet evening, with Anicka and Derek joining us for the meal. When everyone else had left, I turned Rachel over to Tasha, then went upstairs to take a warm bath. After soaking in the tub, I climbed into bed, and blessedly fell asleep.

September 7, 1987, McKinley, Rutherford, and Goshen, Ohio

On Monday morning, Tasha kept Rachel so I could do some shopping, then the two of us took Larisa and Rachel to the cottage so I could do laundry and clean. Robby joined us, and I made sure Yulia had time with Rachel. I had lunch with my bandmates, then spent the afternoon with Robby, who didn’t have class because of Labor Day.

I left McKinley for Rutherford at 4:15pm, arriving at the house my dad, Holly, and my half-brother Peter were renting. I spent about thirty minutes with my Dad, giving him an opportunity to hold his first grandchild, then headed for the house my mom and Stefan had purchased in Goshen.

My mom and grandmother basically confiscated Rachel as soon as I walked in the door, and Stefan invited me to his study with my grandfather.

“Mike,” Stefan said, “I don’t know you very well, but I might be able to help, given I lost my wife to cancer. If you need to talk, or you feel I might be able to give you some insight, just get in touch.”

“Thank you.”

“You absolutely should get some counseling, if you aren’t.”

“I am,” I replied. “I’m seeing a therapist I know in Milford after dinner tonight.”

“Good,” Stefan replied. “I assume you’re also receiving spiritual counseling from your priest?”

“Yes.”

“Mike, how are things with Viktor Nikolayevich?” my grandfather asked.

“Everything is fine,” I replied. “I’m positive he’ll keep his word.”

“I can’t imagine you will run into any trouble, but if you do, please call me and I’ll speak with him.”

“Thanks.”

“How are you coping?”

“Work helps,” I replied. “The nights are the most difficult. Stefan, how are things going with Elaine and April?”

“We’ve had our final interviews and all the documents have been submitted,” Stefan replied. “The background checks are underway, but I can’t imagine there will be a problem, given I had to pass one to receive my law license and I haven’t had so much as a complaint from a client to the Bar. Your mom has never had any trouble with the law, either. The situation with your sister won’t cause any trouble.”

“That’s great. Are you able to see Elaine and April?”

“One hour a week,” he replied. “We expect everything to be complete by Christmas, but hopefully sooner. Working in family law makes it a bit easier, as I know nearly everyone involved, including the judge who will make the final decision.”

“I’m very happy that’s working out.”

“You did a very good thing there, Mike,” my grandfather said. “I heard from your mom that you got into a bit of trouble.”

“I did, but it was more of a mild reprimand. I’ve been chewed out worse by grandmothers at church when I was younger!”

My grandfather laughed, “We Russian men have plenty of experience with THAT!”

“We Bohemians who married Russian women as well!” Stefan said with a grin.

“My daughter has always been headstrong!” my grandfather said.

“No kidding,” I agreed.

“I heard that, Mike!” my mom said, coming into the study.

“So?”

She laughed, “You never hid your opinion, that’s for sure. Well, at least once you moved out of the house! Your daughter is asking to eat. Do you want to feed her or can Grandma give her a bottle?”

“Go ahead,” I said.

“Dinner in about fifteen minutes,” Mom said, then left.

“You made her very happy,” Stefan said. “She’s so excited to have a granddaughter. And I forgot my manners; may I offer you a drink?”

“It’s less than twelve hours until my shift starts,” I replied. “I rarely drink because of the rules. I do have a small amount on special occasions, but that’s a rarity.”

“What’s your next rotation?” Stefan asked.

“Trauma,” I replied. “Which is my chosen specialty, though I’ll likely do a joint Residency in trauma and surgery, which would allow me to do additional emergency procedures in the ER, rather than have to send the person to surgery or call for a general surgeon who isn’t a trauma specialist, both of which take time that patients sometimes do not have.”

We chatted for another ten minutes, then my grandmother called us to dinner. Mom had fed and changed Rachel who was now sitting in her baby carrier in the dining room. We had a nice meal, and when we finished, I thanked everyone, then Rachel and I left for my late evening appointment with Doctor Mercer.

September 7, 1987, Greater Cincinnati, Ohio

“Tell me about your week,” Doctor Mercer said after inviting Rachel and me into her office.

I described the five days, focusing on how I had felt, as I knew that was the real question she needed to be answered.

“Those bouts of sadness and crying are normal,” Doctor Mercer said. “My biggest concern for you was that you would try to internalize the loss and not allow your emotions to surface.”

“I actually do that at the hospital,” I said. “But I think you know I have to, or I wouldn’t be allowed to interact with patients.”