Chapter 2: CODE BLUE! ICU!

August 26, 1987, McKinley, Ohio

I watched helplessly, overcome by dread, as the doctors and nurses worked on Elizaveta. She had been intubated, and Doctor Jones was performing chest compressions while a nurse was using an Ambu bag. Performing CPR frighteningly meant my wife did not have a shockable heart rhythm, and a dose of epinephrine and one of lidocaine didn’t change anything, and neither did a second dose of epinephrine.

The frenetic activity continued for several minutes, but with not even a blip on the monitor, I knew what was about to happen, and Doctor Strong looked over to me and grimly shook his head.

“Time of death, 0811,” Doctor Jones announced.

Doctor Strong moved next to me and said, “I’m sorry, Mike.”

I sagged and he caught me, and Doctor Getty moved to my other side to support me. I felt them moving, but I had no coherent thoughts as tears streamed down my cheeks. We entered a room, but I couldn’t see clearly through the tears, and simply allowed the two doctors to maneuver me into a bed.

“Lie down, Mike,” Doctor Strong requested

I complied because I was too weak to do anything else and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I heard movement but I simply couldn’t focus on anything except for Elizaveta and the complete emptiness I felt and the abject terror of raising a daughter on my own. Images were forming in my brain quicker than I could really process them, and my mind was an incoherent jumble of disjointed thoughts.

“Michael?” I heard a voice say through the fog clouding my mind. “Michael, it’s Vladyka JOHN.”

I tried to clear my mind, but I couldn’t, nor could I control my sobbing.

“He’s in serious emotional distress,” a voice said. “I’m going to give him a mild sedative.”

I tried to speak, but I couldn’t, so I shook my head, but that protest did no good. I felt a needle slide into my arm and then I slid into an inky blackness.

“Mike?” I heard a female voice say some indeterminate time later.

I opened my eyes, and saw Clarissa sitting next to the bed.

“She died, Lissa,” I wailed, and began sobbing again.

“I know,” Clarissa said quietly, taking my hand. “Let me go get Father Nicholas and the bishop.”

“Don’t leave me, please,” I begged.

“Let me call a nurse, then,” she said.

She pressed a button on the box next to my head, and a minute later, through blurry eyes, I saw the door open.

“Yes?” the nurse asked.

“Would you please send in the priest and bishop who are sitting by the nurses’ station?”

“Of course,” the nurse replied.

A short time later Vladyka JOHN and Father Nicholas came into the room.

“Father Deacon Michael,” Vladyka said gently, “I’m so sorry.”

I nodded because saying ‘thank you’ just didn’t feel right.

“Father Nicholas and I said the prayers for the departure of her soul,” Vladyka JOHN said.

“Thank you,” I replied.

“Mike,” Father Nicholas said, “if you’re up to it, we can do the prayers for the departed and anoint Elizaveta. The doctors moved her to a private room.”

“I don’t think I can walk,” I replied weakly.

“I’ll call for a wheelchair,” Clarissa said, going to the phone.

“I hate to ask this,” Father Nicholas said, “but what arrangements do you want to make?”

“Please ask Viktor to make them,” I said.

“The church cemetery?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I’ll lead the service, Father Deacon,” Vladyka JOHN said.

I nodded and closed my eyes, hoping against hope that it was all just a bad dream. That hope was completely dashed, when ten minutes later, an orderly wheeled me into a room where my wife was. Clarissa and the orderly helped me stand by the side of the bed, I leaned over, and lay my chest across hers

“Oh, Kitten,” I sobbed. “What will I do without you?”

I felt hands on my shoulders and was positive it was Clarissa. Eventually, I stood up so that Vladyka JOHN could anoint Elizaveta. Father Nicholas helped steady me as Vladyka applied the chrism. Once he’d anointed her forehead, chin, hands, and feet, he opened his prayer book and chanted the Trisagion prayers and the prayers for the departed.

“Mike, there’s no good time to ask, but they want to do an autopsy,” Clarissa said quietly. “Doctor Getty left the forms with me.”

“Yes,” I replied. “I want to know. But I want Doctor McKnight to do it.”

“I’ll make sure they know,” she said.

She gave me the forms to sign, along with a pen, and I signed them then handed them back.

“I need to see my daughter,” I said.

“Let me take you the long way,” Clarissa said. “We’ll avoid seeing anyone else.”

“Vladyka, Father, I’d like you both to come along, please.”

“Are you OK to walk, Deacon?” Vladyka JOHN asked.

“I think so,” I replied. “Have her parents been in to see her?”

“While you were sedated,” Clarissa said. “Yulia had a complete breakdown and is in a bed in Internal Medicine.”

“I was with her before I came to see you,” Father Nicholas said. “They administered a sedative, and Viktor, Anna, and Gennady are with her.”

We made a round-about way to the nursery, and I asked for my daughter. A nurse brought her to me, and I carefully accepted her.

“Hi Rachel,” I said. “Daddy loves you.”

“Would you like to give her a bottle?” the nurse asked.

“I have no idea how to care for a baby,” I replied.

“I’ll show you how to feed her. Let me get some formula.”

She walked away and I simply stared into my daughter’s face.

“There are plenty of women in the parish, including your mother-in-law, who will help if you ask,” Father Nicholas said quietly.

“Not Yulia,” I replied. “That was the one thing Elizaveta was adamant about.”

“Don’t be too hard on her, Mike,” Father Nicholas counseled.

“I won’t, but I know what Elizaveta wanted.”

I pondered what to do, but my mind didn’t seem to be functioning correctly. I set it aside, and focused on Rachel. When the nurse returned, she showed me how to hold Rachel and how to hold the bottle. Rachel accepted the rubber nipple and began sucking. The full weight of my responsibility for her crashed over me, making the feeling of helplessness even worse. What was I going to do without my Kitten, and what would Rachel do without a mother?

“You OK, Petrovich?” Clarissa asked.

“No, but does it matter? I’m responsible for this little girl and ... I just don’t know.”

“They’ll keep her tonight, Mike,” Clarissa said. “That way you can get some sleep.”

That made sense, because I needed to get my head clear and I simply wasn’t ready to care for a baby.

“OK,” I agreed.

“That’s enough for the moment,” the nurse said. “Put her up to your shoulder and pat her back, but let me put this cloth over your shoulder.”

“I’ve seen this done,” I said, recalling watching April with Chastity.

I shifted Rachel and patted her back until she burped, then gave her the bottle again for about five minutes. Once I’d finished feeding her, the nurse took her to change her diaper and put her down to sleep.

“I want to go home,” I said.

“You shouldn’t be alone, Mike,” Father Nicholas said.

“I can’t deal with anyone right now,” I sighed.

“Pick one of your male friends,” he suggested.

“Father Nicholas gives good advice,” Vladyka JOHN counseled.

It had to be Peter or Robby, but Peter was on a clinical rotation, while Robby hadn’t yet started classes for the Fall semester.

“Robby,” I said firmly. “Did anyone call my dad?”

“I did,” Father Nicholas said. “While you were sedated.”

“Thank you.”

“We’re going to go see Viktor,” he said. “Clarissa, make sure Michael has someone with him, please.”

“I will, Father,” she replied firmly.

I asked for and received the bishop’s blessing, and he requested I call him each day. I promised to do that, and he and Father Nicholas left.

“Sneak me out, Lissa,” I said. “I have my car here.”

“You shouldn’t drive. Let me go see Robby and Sophia. Sophia can drive your car, right?”

“Yes. I do want to do one thing first.”

“What?”

“Just give me a sec, OK?”

I walked over to the nurses’ station and spoke in a low voice.

“What are the rules for visiting babies?” I asked.

“Only the parents, unless they give permission for someone else.”

“Put my bishop, JOHN, and my priest, Father Nicholas Kuznetsov, on the list, please. And Clarissa Saunders, who’s a medical student.”

“OK,” she said, taking a chart from the rack behind her.

She made the notations, then put the chart back into the rack.

“All set,” she said. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” I replied, even though it felt wrong to say that.

I walked back over to Clarissa.

“You and Father Nicholas are on the visitor’s list for Rachel,” I said. “And the bishop.”

“Why us?”

“Just in case,” I replied. “I might need you to bring her to me. We have a car seat at the house.”

“How long are you going to avoid people?”

“I don’t know. I just need some time to think.”

“Bishop JOHN is worried about you. So am I.”

“It’s unanimous then, because I’m worried about me. Actually, I want to do two things before we go home.”

“What?”

“Go to church. Will you take me?”

“What about Robby?”

“Have him and Sophia meet us at Anicka’s house.”

“Doctor Blahnik’s? Not your house?”

“I’d need peace and quiet, and I won’t get that at home. Leave my car here.”

“Are you sure, Petrovich?”

“Yes, but I need to call Anicka and ask her.”

Clarissa and I walked back to cardiology and I asked to use the Resident’s office and was given permission. I dialed Anicka’s number and she answered.

“Mike? Did Elizaveta have her baby?”

“Yes, but...” I choked up, “there were complications.”

“Complications?” she asked warily.

Tears streamed down my face and I began sobbing, so I handed the phone to Clarissa.

“It’s Clarissa,” she said. “Elizaveta died a few hours ago.”

I could hear the shriek, even though the handset was against Clarissa’s face. Clarissa asked if we could come to Anicka’s house for privacy, and it was obvious from her response that Anicka had said ‘yes’. Clarissa replaced the handset on the cradle.

“She said ‘yes’,” Clarissa said. “She said to tell you she’ll do anything she can to help.”

I took a minute to compose myself. It was a struggle, but I managed enough to be able to speak.

“Go speak with Robby and Sophia,” I requested, “then come back and take me to church. I’m going to put on my cassock.”

“What if there are people at church?”

“They won’t bother me in the nave,” I replied. “I can handle walking to and from the nave.”

“OK. I’ll be right back. I may have to do some fancy footwork to avoid detection.”

“I trust you, Lissa. When is your next shift?”

“Technically, in about three hours. Doctor Forsberg arranged for me to have today and tomorrow off. I’ll come to find you in the maternity locker room.”

She left and I went back to maternity, where I’d changed out of my cassock into scrubs. I removed the scrubs, tossed them in the basket to be washed, then put on my cassock. Fortunately, nobody came in before Clarissa returned.

“Your mom and grandfather want to see you,” Clarissa said.

“Not right now,” I replied. “I just want to go to church and pray. What did you tell them?”

“That you were spending time with Rachel. They’re going to be upset, Mike.”

“I need time for me, Lissa. I just can’t deal with anything else right now.”

“I think you’re in shock, Petrovich.”

“You think?” I asked. “Just do this for me, please.”

“Then let’s go.”

We left the hospital by the furthest entrance from the cardiology waiting room, and thankfully, nobody stopped us nor did anyone I knew see us, except two doctors and a nurse, who each offered condolences. We made it to Clarissa’s car and I got into the passenger seat.

She drove to the church, and when we arrived I quickly walked into the narthex and straight into the nave. I bought three candles, one for Elizaveta, one for Rachel, and one for me. I took them to the stand in front of the Theotokos, lit them from one of the already burning candles, and pushed them into the sand. I prostrated myself in front of the icon and began sobbing.

Some unknown amount of time later, when the sobs had mostly subsided, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Mishka?” I heard Tasha say.

I moved from my full prostration to a sitting position, and she sat down next to me.

“Did Clarissa call you?”

“No. I heard from Father Alexi. I came straight here.”

“To the church?”

“Yes. I knew you’d be here. It’s where I found you when you were distraught over Jocelyn. What can I do for you?”

“Right now, I’m going to Doctor Blahnik’s house.”

“To hide?”

“For peace and quiet,” I countered. “You know what happens when someone dies.”

“Who’ll be with you?”

“Robby, Sophia, and Clarissa.”

“Who’s taking care of Rachel?”

“She’s staying in the hospital nursery tonight. I need some time to think and cry.”

I got up and walked out of the nave, thankful that there was nobody in the narthex. Clarissa, Tasha, and I walked to where their cars were parked, side by side.

“May I come to Doctor Blahnik’s with you?” Tasha asked.

“Yes. Robby and Sophia are waiting for us there.”

Tasha got into her car and Clarissa and I got into hers.

We rode to Doctor Blahnik’s house in silence, as I was lost in my thoughts, feeling untethered from the world, uncertain which way to turn or what to do. I was lost in thoughts when I felt the car stop. I looked up and saw we were parked about a block from Doctor Blahnik’s house. I got out of the car, grabbed my bag, and then Clarissa and I walked to the house and Anicka let us in.

“Mike,” she said, “I’m so sorry. Is it OK to hug you?”

“Yes. Clarissa won’t tell.”

“Nor will we,” Sophia said.

Anicka hugged me tightly, then I took off my ryassa and hung it on the coat rack next to the front door.

“Take Milena’s old room,” she said. “Nobody will bother you, though I reserve the right to check on you.”

“I’ll take your bag up, Petrovich,” Clarissa said. “You go sit with Robby and Sophia.”

“I want to change out of my cassock,” I said. “I’ll be right back down.”

I went up to the bedroom, took off my cassock, and after I hung it in the closet, I put on shorts and a t-shirt and then went down to the great room where I sat down on the couch with Sophia and Robby.

“What can we do for you, Mike?” Robby asked.

“I have no idea,” I sighed.

Tasha arrived and she and Clarissa sat down on a love seat. Anicka brought in a pot of tea and offered some to everyone. I accepted and sipped the hot liquid as thoughts of raising a daughter alone while doing clinical rotations and Residency swirled in my mind.

“When are you going to be willing to see people?” Sophia asked. “Your grandfather and mom really wanted to see you.”

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Right now I just need ... actually, I have no idea what I need.”

“Mike,” Anicka asked, her voice soft, “who’s making arrangements for Elizaveta?”

“I asked Father Nicholas to speak with Viktor to decide,” I replied. “I just can’t deal with it because I can’t think clearly. I did ask that she be...” I choked up “ ... buried in the church cemetery.”

“How long did they give you off?” Sophia asked.

“A week,” I replied.

“That’s the most we can miss without a waiver from the medical school,” Clarissa added. “Mike, you should probably call Doctor Mertens and let her know. Or I can do it for you.”

“Would you, please?” I asked.

“What about your Attending in Cincinnati?”

“Doctor Cooper,” I said. “And somebody should call Maryam.”

“I did that,” Clarissa said. “I let the study group know while you were resting. Do you have Doctor Cooper’s number with you?”

I gave her my address book and after checking with Anicka, Clarissa went to the kitchen to make the calls.

“Do you need something to eat?” Anicka asked.

“I don’t feel like eating anything,” I replied.

“You need to eat, Mishka,” Tasha said. “Even if you don’t feel like it.”

I sighed deeply.

“I’ll prepare some broth and I have fresh bread,” Anicka said. “We’ll have dinner around 7:00pm. Will everyone stay?”

Sophia and Robby said they would.

“I will,” Tasha said, “but I need to call my mom. She’s watching Larisa for me.”

“Did you have the day off today?” Sophia asked.

“Yes.”

Anicka left the room and Clarissa returned from making her calls.

“Doctor Mertens asked that you call her when you feel up to it. She offered any assistance you need. Doctor Cooper wasn’t available, so I left a message to have her call back. I didn’t think it was right to leave a message about ... well, you know.”

“You can say it, Lissa,” I sighed. “Not saying it won’t change anything.”

“Mike, I think you should see a counselor,” Robby suggested. “Maybe the psychologist who’s helping Angie?”

“Robby is right, Petrovich,” Clarissa said.

“I think I’m going to go lie down,” I said, starting to get up.

“After you eat something, Mike,” Robby said, gently taking hold of my arm.

“Robby, let go,” I requested, pulling away from him.

“Mishka, you need to eat,” Tasha said.

“I don’t feel like it,” I said, moving towards the stairs.

Tasha got up and quickly and moved to block my path.

“Mikhail Petrovich!” she said firmly. “You WILL eat. You WILL listen to your friends. You WILL see a counselor. You WILL take care of yourself. Your daughter needs you! We need you! Now, sit!”

Even in my altered mental state, I knew I couldn’t win a battle with Tasha, so I simply surrendered and sat back down on the couch, staring at a blank spot on the wall, with no idea what to do. A few minutes later, Doctor Blahnik brought in a bowl of broth and a plate with two thick slices of buttered bread. She asked Robby to set up a TV tray, which he did, and she set the bowl and plate on it. A hard look from Tasha made it clear I had no choice but to eat, so I did, though with no enthusiasm.

When I finished eating, I wordlessly got up and went up the stairs to Milena’s old bedroom, locked the door, stripped down to my briefs, and got into bed. I pulled the second pillow against my chest and cried myself to sleep. I had no idea how long I’d slept when I heard a knock at the door. I got out of bed, pulled on my shorts and t-shirt, and opened the door to see Clarissa.