Chapter 13

January 2, 2013

Taking the bus to Denny's gave me too much time to think, but Holly had refused to help me at all. Sitting on the bus, I kept seeing visions of my blood on Jules' lips, but it wasn't her mouth I saw, it was the torn fabric of her panties and her delicate inner lips that I'd tasted in my madness. I could no longer deny that a part of me wanted exactly what we'd shared, and it was that desire that tormented me. I forced myself to focus on John and my promises to him.

Jules was already seated when I'd gotten to Denny's. After sliding into the booth across from her, I glanced up at her face. She looked like she hadn't slept any better than I had. Her hair was tousled and she was wearing a rumpled black sweater.

When the waitress came around, I ordered a coffee while Jules just stared at me, her face unreadable. I refused to speak, until finally she said, "I didn't know if you'd come."

"We need to talk," I shrugged. "I'm here."

When I took a sip of coffee, she noticed me wince when it touched the cut on my upper lip. "I'm not sorry," she said, her expression one of defiance.

"I am," I murmured, hunching over and putting my hands around the cup to warm them. "I'm sorry I laughed all those years ago. I'm sorry you held on for so long waiting." Pausing, I gathered my strength before looking into her eyes. "But I'm most sorry I never gave us a chance."

She let one sob slip then pinched her lips tight to keep from showing me her pain. I watched her glance out the window to stare at the sky until she got herself under control before I continued. "It's too late, though. I know that's hard to hear, but I want to be with him. I've been waiting a long time, too, and it's time to move on."

"You're making a mistake," she whispered.

"If I am, then it's mine to make."

"He's not who you think he is."

I chuckled. "You've never even met him."

She looked down and wiped her nose. "I'm not the only one who sees it. He's using you."

The pathetic attempt to manipulate me just made me sad. "Please, don't do this. Why can't you just let me go?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Why can't you just let me show you?"

"Show me what?" I asked, pushing the cup away and taking her hands. "It's too late. He and I both want to be together and we're going to try and see what happens."

When she looked up, her desperate expression broke my heart. "Would you just try with me? One week. You gave him one week in your bed. Give me one week in mine."

I actually considered it for a moment. I found myself wondering what being with her would be like when we weren't angry and trying to hurt each other, but I couldn't do that to John. I shook my head. "I've already betrayed him with you once. No more."

"He doesn't have to find out," she whispered, looking down. "If you choose him, I'll never tell anyone, but at least then I'll know."

"It won't help, believe me," I said, squeezing her hand and letting go. "Seeing John with Steph nearly killed me and it hadn't even been a week." I took a sip of my coffee. "Besides, I've got more immediate problems."

She looked up at me then. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't read all the way to the end of my journal, and you didn't stick around long enough for me to tell you myself. Mom caught John and I together and kicked me out of the house. I slept at Holly's last night."

"Oh, Kate, I'm so sorry," she said, looking sincere.

"Mom tried to force me to end things with him, but I left home rather than do it." I gave her a hard stare. "And there's nothing you can do or say to change my mind either."

"Then one week with me won't matter, will it?" she asked lightly, but the pain in her face was real.

We stared at each other after that, but I was the one who looked away first. I couldn't bring myself to hurt her by answering right away. I decided to let her play her game and changed the subject. "Why do you believe he's not who I think he is?"

She recovered her composure and took a sip of coffee. "Good looking musicians don't need to look very hard for sex."

"So?"

"He's good looking, and plays beautifully, according to Steph."

"What does that prove?"

"Why did he bring lube and massage oils on this trip?" she surprised me by asking.

"He's a boy scout, maybe he just likes to be prepared," I answered, starting to get annoyed by the whole situation.

She grabbed my hand and hissed, "So your boy scout could remember the champagne and strawberries, but not the condoms? You know everything I went through, and you still let him go bareback? Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Her outburst startled me and I pulled back. "You're taking things I wrote in my journal out of context."

"Did he suggest you lie to your Mom and friends about what you're doing?"

"Yes, well, no," I said, trying to remember how it came up. "It was both of us. I was scared everyone would think I was some kind of freak for wanting to fuck my cousin. He wanted to wait until--"

"Just before he left, did he offer you the chance to break things off?"

I hadn't told anyone that. It felt like the floor dropped out from underneath me. "How did you know that?" I asked in a whisper.

"Because he's using you, you naïve little twat," she said, letting go of me and sitting back with her head shaking. "I know he is."

"You don't know shit."

"I've known people just like him. For God's sake, Kate, it's happened to me."

Her words made me scan through my memory, trying to find something he'd said or done that I could use to convince her. Every memory seemed to twist as I examined it, confusing me and making me doubt myself and him.

"I'll admit I'm jealous, but you're still my friend and I still care about you," she said. "I learned the hard way about trusting what people told me at face value. I can help you find out the truth about him."

I felt muddled. Looking at her face, I suddenly remembered that her lips were the same color, above and below, and my resolve began to weaken. "I don't know."

"Come to my place tonight. Stay with me one week. I'll go with you to see Doctor Sanjay to make sure you're not pregnant and get you on the pill. You should do that regardless, just to be safe. We can spend some time catching up and I'll prove what my gut's telling me."

It all made sense, if I didn't think too hard. "What if you're wrong?"

She leaned forward and looked me in the eye. "Then I won't stand in your way."

How could I even be considering this? I felt nauseous. "What if I don't come?"

With tears in her eyes, she said, "Then we're done."

There was a faint buzzing in my ears and my mouth suddenly felt slick, like I was about to be sick. I knew her inside and out, there was no way she was bluffing. "You're serious."

"Yes, I am. I can't stand by and watch what I know is going to happen," she replied, taking out her wallet and putting some money on the table. Before she walked away, she bent down and kissed me tenderly. I couldn't stop myself from kissing her back, but it felt like everyone was staring at us. Touching my face, she whispered, "Come today or not at all."

All the way back to Holly's apartment, I sat on the bus and stared out the window. My mind bounced back and forth--my best friend, my boyfriend, her lips, and his eyes. The scale was balanced, but as my heart went one way and the other, the world shifted under my feet.

When I got back to Holly's apartment, she was sitting on the couch watching a game show. She looked up at me and frowned. "You're going to her, aren't you?"

I didn't acknowledge the question until I sat down. My life teetered on the edge of that question--two paths and only one choice. "She's been my best friend my whole life. I can't imagine what life would be like without her."

Holly glared at me. "Thanks to you, I know what that's like. Would you like me to tell you?"

"I don't have anywhere else to go."

"You could stay here."

I almost believed her until she looked away from my eyes. "And live on your couch, Holly? How long before we drove each other crazy?"

"You can't do this," she cried, wiping her nose. "It can't all be for nothing."

"What?"

She jumped up, her red face twisted in rage. "John, Steph, all of this. You can't just throw John away now! All of this shit happened because you wouldn't let Steph have him for one night, and now you're going to throw him away for Jules?"

I stood back up as my temper rose to match hers. "Who said anything about throwing him away?"

"What do you think he's going to say when he finds out you're fucking your best friend?"

"Who said I'm going to fuck her?"

"You already have!" she shrieked, and then covered her face with her hands. "Jesus, Kate, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

The pain and confusion returned in an instant, smothering my anger in a torrent of guilt. "I don't know!" I sobbed.

Holly's rage melted when she looked at me. I was hugging myself as huge sobs tore their way out. My life was falling apart. Everyone was angry, or disappointed, or hurt by me. There was no step I could take without causing someone pain, so I just stood still in the center of Holly's living room and cried.

After taking a deep breath, she turned away from me. "Just go to her, Kate. You'll end up there eventually; we both know it. Just leave now."

I wiped my eyes and walked over to where my suitcase and bag sat near the door. My head was spinning between horror and relief. I never once set out to hurt anyone, but I'd managed to shatter two relationships beyond repair. "I'm so sorry, Holly."

"I know," she sighed, but wouldn't look at me. "Just go."

After leaving her apartment, the tears felt like ice on my face. I put on my coat, picked up my bags, and headed to the bus stop. My backside froze to the bench while I watched the traffic fly by me. Why did I feel relief? I was going to betray John again. I should hate myself, but instead I felt a sick excitement.

Just then my phone rang and when I saw it was John, the thrill drained away leaving nothing but panic. "Hey."

"I'm going crazy worrying about you. What's going on?" he asked, his voice matching the meaning behind his words.

"I'm going to stay with BF." It felt good to tell him the truth, but anymore of the truth and another relationship would be broken to pieces. I bit my tongue.

"Did you guys work things out?"

"Not completely, but enough for now," I replied, swallowing my tears, but I had to pinch my arm hard to keep from crying. "Let me call you tomorrow after I get settled. My bus is coming."

"Okay. I really miss you."

"I know. I do, too. Bye," I said before hanging up. I felt like such a coward. And I spent the rest of the trip in tears.

After a transfer, my bus pulled up outside Jules' apartment complex. I grabbed bags and stepped out into the cold with my nose running and feeling slightly feverish. When I walked up to her door, I stood there for a long time just holding my bag and suitcase. If I'd been Alice, this would surely be my rabbit hole, but I didn't know if it led to hell or Wonderland. After I'd finally worked up the nerve to knock, Jules opened the door immediately, as if she'd been standing there waiting on the other side.

She stood in bare feet and a fluffy white bathrobe that stopped at her knees. Her hair was damp and her blank expression gave nothing away. I was so nervous I could have thrown up. Reaching out, she took my suitcase, and then stepped back to let me in. After she'd locked the front door, she led me silently up the stairs and into her bedroom loft. I watched her put my suitcase on her bed, and begin to put my clothes and personal items away in her drawers and bathroom.

Seeing our panties together in her drawer and our toothbrushes in the same cup made me uneasy. I remembered how it felt when I'd folded John's clothes together with mine and shared the bathroom with him. Watching her make room for me in her life, caused me to feel that same kind of warmth, but it scared me instead of providing me comfort.

After hanging my clothes and putting my shoes on her shoe rack, she stored my suitcase in the back of her closet. When she came out, I saw her robe had fallen open. The curves of her breasts, her smooth stomach, and her bare mons filled me with an unfamiliar longing, and I had to look away.

We'd spent plenty of time together throughout the years in various states of undress. We'd done everything from trying on clothes together in stores, to putting on our bathing suits together in her room, to doing each other's toenails in nothing but towels. I knew what she looked like from the soles of her feet to the top of her head. And even though she was the same person, I saw her differently. We'd kissed with my blood on our lips. I'd tasted her.

The air moved against my face when she drew closer, pushing her sweet scent along with it. She was almost as tall as John, I thought, the same moment she put her arms around me and drew my face against her chest. My hands slipped inside her robe and reached around to her naked back. I detected the faint apple scent of her soap as I listened to her heartbeat. I couldn't reconcile my fear and attraction, so I pushed them both away and just loved my friend.

"Thank you for coming," she whispered.

It was intoxicating to feel her skin against my face. Damp strands of her hair fell around me when she bent to kiss the top of my head. We stood there breathing together for a long time. Lost in the moment, I suddenly had to know. I had to kiss her again to find out for myself.

I finally moved my hands up her back and turned my face toward hers. Her breath warmed my lips before she pressed hers to mine, her damp hair tickling when we parted our lips to kiss again. Each soft kiss opened and lingered a little longer, until I was breathless. My friend, my love; it all swam together inside my head.

When my mind began to return, panic and fear did too. I'd always been afraid of feeling strongly for her. She was totally overpowering. Being her best friend was an intoxicating experience, but being even closer was like standing inside of a tornado. And just like the wind, it felt like she could carry me off or tear me to pieces in moments.

"You're shivering. Let's get you warmed up properly. How about a bath?" she asked, taking my hand. I let her lead me to the bathroom. The mirror gave me a glimpse of her face and noticed her peaceful expression. She didn't seem agitated like she'd been earlier in the morning. Something had changed for her, and it wasn't just my arrival.

The bathroom was large for an apartment, with a wide garden tub and hand shower, instead of the usual combination tub and shower. Jules shut the door, and then went to run the water, bringing steam to the air. I stepped out of my sandals, but she took over undressing me before I could do anything else. I raised my arms when she lifted my sweater over my head. She knelt to open the button on my pants and then slid them down along with my panties, while I removed my bra.

When I slipped down into the warm water, she gathered my clothes and put them in the laundry basket. I watched as she walked slowly back to sit beside me on the edge of the tub. She reached for the cup sitting in the corner and I leaned forward to give her room. After dipping it behind me, she poured the warm water over my head and shoulders. It felt almost like a ritual as she poured cup after cup to wet my hair.

I noticed she used the same shampoo I did, and when her fingers scrubbed my hair, I couldn't stop the contented sigh that came from my lips. Again she poured water over me, washing the soap away as I worried. I didn't want to disrupt the mood we'd established, but I couldn't stop thinking about John. Everything we did seemed like I was betraying him.

"Hand me the soap," she said.

I gave it to her, and then watched as she wet the washcloth and rolled the soap in it to make suds. "I can bathe myself, you know."

"Where would the fun be in that?" she asked with a sad smile before rubbing the cloth gently against my back. "How did you get all scratched up?"

I had forgotten about them. "After you left, I had ... a breakdown. I did it to myself."

"Oh." It sounded so casual; I couldn't tell what she meant by it. She knelt down on the floor next to the tub so she could wash my arms and legs. It was so oddly relaxing that it didn't seem at all sexual.

When she moved, the robe opened and I saw marks and bruises on her torso and thighs. I frowned. "I bruised you."

"Yes. I see you've got some, too," she replied, running the cloth along my stomach and legs.

When I considered it, we'd bruised each other a lot over the years. Some of the bruises were physical, but other wounds were more lasting and serious. Surprising me, she said, "It comes with being so close. If you never let someone close enough to bruise you every now and then, you'll end up very lonely."

I smirked up at her. "That's pretty philosophical coming from you."

"I've had a long time to think about these kinds of things. Over the years, I've learned to take what I can get, even the bruises," she said, blinking quickly a few times, before bending to wash my feet.

I didn't realize what she'd meant at first. "What do you mean?"

She sighed and sat back. "This summer it will be seven years."

I bowed my head when I realized she was referring to that last summer before high school. She had kissed me and told me how I'd made her feel. I'd pretended she was acting like a boyfriend would and laughed in her face, but I'd known. I tried to imagine how I would feel if John had laughed at me, or if he'd fallen for Steph. "God, how did you do it?"

She ran fresh water to rinse me. "Sex was good for while. Drinking isn't too bad, but I hate gaining weight. I could always find things to distract me, but I've never stopped feeling this way about you. Not for a day. C'mon, stand up. Let's do a final rinse and I'll dry you. Are you warm now?"

"Yes." She hadn't done the least thing to excite me, but the sheer intimacy of the bath had warmed my blood and weakened my resolve.

She wrapped me in a thick towel and dried me off. Her contemplative mood had rubbed off on me and I felt myself relax even more. I was still worried about John and what he would do if he found out, but I gave into the inevitable as she drew me naked, toward her king-sized bed.