Victoria the Girl Who Hated Her Name
Chapter 5

Copyright© 2013 by Bob Gilfried

August 13, 4:02pm

Vicky,

Actually young lady I do find your responses to have value. I've told you before and yet again you make me think. You've even sent me to the dictionary a time or two. Besides you are the only female I talk to other than Sarah or relatives. There are exactly 2 females at work. Neither I would consider confiding in any sort of fashion.

Franky-wanky? Poor bastard. Especially as I have little trouble believing telling you about that was a mistake!!!!

"Why do you think you never invited Sarah to a truck show? Did you subconsciously feel she wouldn't like them, so therefore you 'saved' her from finding out for herself?"

I should have clarified that a bit. That only applies to this year. She has gone to several with me. Some more than once. It's just that I would like her to share that more with me. I have saved her from one of the biggest. She'd be bored to tears. I'm there for 4 days. Over 600 trucks last year. I tried to get her to come with on the 25th but she couldn't get the day off. That just leaves one in October. About the email addy. No need to change that for me. I am a smart arse. Sorry tongue in cheek really doesn't come through well sometimes. Now as to will Brad run when he sees mischievous Vicky? You can't possibly be serious. But I'm going to say it anyway. He didn't run Thursday, he's not going to run. No worries about that.

As to Sarah spending some quality time looking at the carpet weave. I'd prefer not. I have few boundaries when it comes to consensual sex acts but I do prefer a face full of chapter 7. If she's looking at the weave I'm looking at a different orifice. Also recently discovered that between my size and our ages etc 69 just doesn't work real well. Doesn't help that she's 9 inches shorter than I am either. It was a royal pain in the neck. Literally.

I know Baker Street. I've loved the saxophone in that song since I was a very small child. I very definitely have some thoughts on "other matters" I think that is so serious I am going to respond separately that way I can erase all the text above it just so I can concentrate on the other matters.

Bob

August 13, 5:36pm

Bob,

There was another nickname he got at school too - Funky-Franky - he shouldn't have told me that one either! Kids can be so cruel can't they? And some girls who are nearly 20 years old are no better... ;)

I should have put the 'wink' emoticon after my question about whether or not Brad will run when he 'meets' 'mischievous Vicky' - I didn't mean it to be serious. I know Frank never knows what to expect when I'm in that sort of mood, but he's never been disappointed yet - wary yes, but not disappointed! ;) As I get to know Brad better, I'll be gentle with him, I won't pull some of the tricks I would do to Frank - I always thought Frank was shy, but compared with Brad, Frank is positively extroverted!

Same with the email addy, it wasn't a serious question - if you DID ask me to change it, I'd only come up with something even more sugary to 'amuse' you!

Pleased my responses are useful to you - just bear in mind I have very little in respect of the 'university of life' to draw on other than my crappy childhood. So If I can't respond with much insight, I hope you will understand.

BTW, clarification time here (and I've already Googled and got conflicting advice). Is 'truck' in the USA what we refer to as a 'pick-up truck' (e.g. a vehicle you can drive on a car license, like a Toyota Hi-lux) or does the term apply to both a pick-up and what we'd call a lorry? As you know, a lorry in the UK is usually any vehicle that requires an 'HGV' license (anything above 7.5 tonnes) but, the younger generation now tend to refer to lorries as 'trucks', and in the part of England where I live, they are often referred to as 'wagons'. In the UK, 'pick-ups' are always either simply 'pick-ups' or 'pick-up trucks'. We have one at work (I drove it once) and everyone just refers to it as the 'pick-up'. I love the English language and its many variations and idiosyncrasies!

I'm going to bed now, so won't see your reply to 'other matters' until tomorrow. However, I'm getting strange sort of feeling that you're going to dissuade me from going on the pill; I don't know why I feel that vibe...

Cheers, Vicky.

August 13, 6:07pm

Vicky,

Ok there is some serious shit here. I am going to eliminate everything you wrote except for the specific parts I feel the need to comment on.

"Brad confided that he's been worrying about how Frank, once he returns, is going to react to him and me becoming 'an item' – he thinks Frank will be annoyed or frosty with him. I've gently told Brad (again) that Frank was well aware of my forming a friendship with him before he left for 'project x' and actively encouraged me to continue. I also gently told Brad (again) that Frank wants me to 'move on'."

Brad shouldn't be concerned about Frank being frosty with him. It really should not be occurring to him. This concerns me a bit.

"Brad does seem to have some insecurity issues, but I guess given his own past that's not surprising."

That might just be the understatement of the month. Brad has insecurity issues all right. More on that a few lines down.

"Maybe I should suggest Brad and Frank have a 'boy chat' once Frank returns – perhaps a lack of a father figure in Brads teen years has left him lacking some confidence - what do you think? Good idea or would I be putting yet more pressure on Frank and/or risk offending Brad? See, this is the sort of 'knowledge' and intuition I lack. Or should I perhaps speak to his Mum or would that be an even worse breach of confidentiality with Brad. Help!"

Boy chat, maybe the right idea but certainly the wrong person. Frank is the LAST MAN you want doing this. If I were completely ass over elbows for the person I consider to be the girl of my dreams, the last person I want to talk to about it is the man that she has been screwing for the last 3 years!! As for his mother she is literally the last person on planet earth Brad would want to hear this from. As to what I think, I think I'd bet you a fiver Brad is a virgin but I'd just be taking your money. If he isn't a virgin I will be stunned. Maybe his complete and utter lack of confidence is because of your background. I'm sure that is a part of it, but I think there is a near complete lack of experience with girls.

I hereby volunteer my services for the boy chat. Give him my email address and tell him that we are good pen friends. After all it's true ain't it? So give him my email and ask him if it is ok for you to give me his. Pretty sure I will have to make the first move in this conversation.

There are some things you have shared with me that I will have to tell him. Like you are unsure of your feelings just yet etc. He will never know about Brad and Janet or anything else I don't deem strictly necessary. I would need to reassure him that you like him. At the same time confidentiality applies to him too. Anything he tells me does not make its way to you.

That is if he's willing to talk to me at all. My birth certificate has something in common with yours. Fathers name is blank. I didn't have one either. A lot of this is just down to age and inexperience. Especially inexperience.

I'm happy to try. I told you girl I'm rooting for you!!!

"The other matter was this: Towards the end of our lunch break, here was clearly something else Brad wanted to say, but he stalled and I had to gently coax it out of him. Eventually he told me what was on his mind. He said that if it helped me or I still wanted it, that it was okay for me to continue my current full relationship status with Frank, even whilst going out with him and that he'd fully understand and stand by me. WTF?"

This just serves to illustrate just how insecure he really is.

"Can he be serious?"

Yes

"What sort of bloke would be prepared to do that?"

The kind of bloke who has fallen for a Goddess and would do absolutely ANYTHING to make her happy--even at his own expense. It really is that simple to him. He would sacrifice himself to make you happy. Like I said with great power comes great responsibility. I wasn't kidding. You have the power to absolutely destroy him if you so desired.

"I was gobsmacked."

Good, that is an appropriate reaction

"I mean not only would I not dream of it, neither would Frank. I was speechless. mouth open, catching flies. Brad then looked worried, thinking he'd offended me. I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes and told him that no, I was not offended, it was a lovely thought, very thoughtful of him, but flawed. I continued to tell him that there was no way I would do that to him. I emphasized that every other aspect of my relationship with Frank would continue (which I'd explained to him last Thursday) and that it might include the odd cuddle at times, but only in a father-daughter way. Brad did then look relieved - whether it was because I was not offended or because he knew I wouldn't be shagging Frank any more I don't know which, probably both."

He was relieved for both reasons. You reacted the best way possible. Just for the record (here comes that brutal part) had you even thought about taking him up on his offer then it would have been you not deserving him, not the other way around as he sees it.

"BTW, I've taken another positive step today. I've made an appointment to go to the Doctors to get prescribed 'the pill' or one of those injections that last three months. I've never had to worry about birth control with Frank (he had a vasectomy years ago). But, well, if things progress with Brad over the next few weeks, months, years (hopefully not the latter!) the way I hope my mental state will allow it to, it will be good to not have to worry about getting pregnant."

Good idea. I suggest the pill though. They tend to have fewer side effects. Been there done that. I used to take Sarah to her appointments at Planned Parenthood. However take your time girl. Wait until you love him. Making love is so much better than sex.

Bob

August 13 6:34pm

Victoria,

Yes kids can be cruel. I was the fat kid. All about that for now, will be more detailed in Warts...

Since I do so enjoy waving giant red flags at raging bulls how much more sugary could you make the email addy? I'm not suggesting you actually do it, but I would love to see some examples.

You pick a bad example of pickup. The Hi-Lux is not now, nor has it ever been marketed here in the US. No worries I know what they look like. Anyhow truck can and is used to describe both hi-lux types and hgv's and all categories between. If it is a self propelled vehicle intended to carry cargo and or pull a trailer it is a truck. The term Semi is only applied to an HGV with a trailer. It can apply to the trailer as well. This does not apply to drawbar trailers. It's actually short for semi-trailer. A drawbar trailer is a full trailer.

You are wrong about the pill. I am going to dissuade you from taking the 3 month shot however. I hereby ACTIVELY ENCOURAGE

Bob

August 13, 6:38pm

I wasn't quite done yet when the fucking computer screwed me again.

I actively encourage you to start on the pill. BUT do not rush yourself as to how fast you need them. Better to have them in your system and not need them than to need them and not have them already in place. So yes take the pills but please do not rush into sex with Brad. Your feelings need time to develop first. When the time is right you will know.

Bob

August 14, 8:45am

Bob,

In response to your email below:

Knackered as I slept very badly last night, in fact, at 3AM, I found myself sitting up in bed, rocking, clenching my fists when I 'came round' - haven't been like that for some months, and the cause of my anxiety was nothing to do with my past but my fucking present...

I was always the 'weird kid' at school who never mixed well with others. I used to get taunted by both boys and girls. One time I was jumped on by a bunch of boys, and my response was to rip off most of my clothes, flash my fanny at them and say "c'mon then, who wants to fuck me first'. It had the desired effect, the fucking wimps all ran off and I wasn't ever bothered again like that! I was around 14yo at the time.

Not really in the mood to think about silly email names, sorry mate.

I picked a Toyota Hi-lux as an example of a pick-up purely because that's what our company owns. It would seem that 'truck' is pretty much a general term both sides of the pond.

Regarding the pill - I hope you don't think I wanted to go on it now because I'm going to hurry things and jump into bed with Brad ASAP. My reason for wanting to start taking it early was for the very reason you cited - I wanted my body to get used to it. Some days ago I took advice from Magenta, and she said the longer it's in my system, the more effective it is. She also warned me to forget the first two months before relying on it as being effective. BTW, in response to your other comment, one thing I learned very early on, thanks to Frank, was the difference between 'sex' and 'making love'. I definitely don't just want sex with Brad (or anyone else) without the love part - I'd rather go without than just 'fuck' for the sake of it.

In response to your other emails:

Thought about other things you have said. I'm now perplexed and uncomfortable with this 'goddess' image (I think this is one of the courses of my fitful sleep and panic attack). At first, it was a bit of fun, a joke, but now the more I think of it, the more I don't want and hate that image. I don't want Brad or anyone else for that matter) to put me on some virtual pedestal and look up to me. That makes me as bad as a bloke being a male chauvinist pig and treating me like a second class citizen. I want him (or any other bloke) to treat me as his equal. Your comment about the 'responsibility I have' and the 'power I have to totally destroy him' - That terrifies me, I don't want that potential 'power' over someone. What if I inadvertently say or do something to hurt Brad? - if he would do anything for me as you suspect he will, he's not going to tell me he's been hurt by something I said or did, is he? I've told you I sometimes say things in total innocence to folk that are not subtle - I'm bound to do this with Brad sooner or later. That scares the crap out of me.

You're going to think I'm a cold-hearted bitch or a coward (or both) for what I'm about to say but:

I'm seriously having second thoughts and getting cold feet over this whole relationship thing and thinking of taking a step back from the whole scene. Better to tell Brad now than to lead him on further. The other thing that's bothering me are Brad's own insecurities. Two people each with emotional baggage getting together is surely a recipe for disaster? I didn't realize the extent of Brad's insecurities until yesterday lunchtime. I don't think I have the emotional stability to help someone else (in this case Brad) with their own problems.

Think about it: Frank has always been my rock, the guy who's arms I can fall into, the guy who makes all the 'monsters go away'. He expects nothing back and never burdens me with his own problems (although as you will have gathered, I'm more than happy to listen to him should he want to). Also, although there's 30 years between us, he's always treated me as an equal; never talked down to me, nor has he ever put me on a pedestal. Because of his maturity, if I put my foot in it and say something inappropriate, he notices this, smiles and gently tells me to perhaps rephrase something I've just said. Brad may not be able sense or do this and may take anything I say at face value.

One thing I am decided on though: from now on, I am going to refrain from being Franks lover - I know he wants me to move on, and I now understand, based on both Franks suggestion and things that you have said in previous emails that the only way I am going to move on is by not sharing a bed with him, so to speak. I also think that in the long-term, it is fair on Frank (and Pat) for me to now do this.

Update:

I wrote the above during a morning coffee break, then had to break off to go to a meeting so never sent the email to you as I intended to.

Its end of lunchtime now and I've just finished talking to Brad and it ended on rather bad terms. I suggested, as diplomatically as I could think to say it, that he might want to email my 'pen pal' for a bit of friendly advice. I explained that you had never met your biological father, you've been through a lot yourself and that you've been giving me plenty of helpful advice. He looked horrified and wanted to know why I'd been discussing him and I with you in the first place. He caught me off guard and I made a garbled reply, not my normal eloquent self at all. He then said, tersely, that I keep harping on about trust and added that trust is a two-way process and that as far as he was concerned, I'd broken the total trust he had in me by discussing things with you. Then he walked off, in a huff, no smiles or anything. So me wanting to take a step back a little and let things cool off is now all rather academic - looks like he's done the task for me...

Maybe it was not meant to be. Think I'll just stick with work, my 'adopted family' and my friends and forget about a relationship.

Bob, thanks for all your kind words and advice, and please don't think I hold you responsible in any way - I obviously fucked-up in the way I broached the subject with Brad that you'd like/be willing to help him. Mea culpa...

I'm OK, sort of relieved in a way :)

Cheers, Vicky/Victoria/Janet/Useless twat - take your pick! ;)

August 14, 10:56am

Oh, shit Vicky I am so sorry. Don't give up just yet though. Brad needs some time to cool down.

Maybe I went too far in the whole goddess thing. It's really hard to tell when you are only getting one side of the story. I was just warning you to be gentle with him. His ego is more fragile than I had suspected. Why he sees you talking to me as a betrayal of his trust is a bit extreme.

I do not think you are a cold hearted bitch. I think you are warm and sweet and one amazing young lady. I do not think you are a coward. You are as far from a coward as I can even begin to imagine. I can only imagine the courage it took to reveal yourself to Brad on Thursday. The strength you have shown in your progress away from your old life is nothing short of astonishing.

Be patient here. I think Brad just needs to cool his jets a bit. Since he may have missed it I think somebody needs to tell him point blank that your need for advice is normal given everything that has happened to you. Really who the hell doesn't get relationship advice from somebody? Ask him if he hasn't asked his Mum even one single question about how to proceed with you. In the end that is all you've done with me and now I feel like I screwed it up for you. I'm a bit miffed with him myself at the moment. I mean what a selfish little asshole. I know he has asked his mother for her advice about you.

I'm sorry I've messed this up for you.

I'm still rooting for you.

Bob

August 14, 3:56pm

Vicky,

This is actually not for you. It's for Brad. Make him read it. Don't just give it to him and walk away. Stand there and watch him read it. If you decide it would help. I'm still rooting for you girl! Of course you will have to print it out first?.

Brad, I'm sorry I seem to have upset you but I think we need to get some things straight. You have talked to your mother about Vicky right? So who can Vicky talk to about you????? How many people are close to Vicky that can give her a male point of view???????? Frank is not able to communicate with her so who exactly is left? You of all people should understand Vicky not getting close to many men right?

Think about this, most people learn about relationships by what they see and experience. What has Vicky seen and experienced? She's been exposed to some of the worst sort of men on the planet. Most girls Vicky's age have been out on dates right? Maybe had a boyfriend or two along the way right? Vicky hasn't had any of that. She's had abuse then she had Frank. Vicky doesn't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. Doesn't it seem reasonable that she might have a few questions? I bet you feel Vicky might just be the perfect girl. Do not treat her like she is perfect. Treat her like she is your equal. She thinks you are.

Trust her judgment about you. If she thinks you are good enough than you are good enough. If what you told her is true, than you wouldn't be willing to throw it away over a pen friend. Think about how hard it must have been for her to tell you about her past. Don't make it all for nothing.

Bob

August 14, 5:55pm

Vicky, I've been thinking about it a bit more. There is something odd about his reaction to the whole pen pal thing. Do what you think best with the email mostly addressed to him. I am wonder if being pen friends with me was just an excuse to get out of telling you he couldn't handle your past after all.

I really have no idea.

Bob

August 15, 3:31am

Bob,

Thanks for the letter for Brad - I've just been to see him (before the working day starts). He read it, he said he understands your thoughts, told me to thank you but to tell you that he doesn't need any help as there's nothing wrong with him. He told me to tell you that the only thing he asked his Mum was if she liked me. Then he went on to say he wasn't happy that I still wanted to maintain a close relationship with Frank, even if there was no sex involved. Said that in his opinion it was 'creepy' and 'not natural' as he wasn't my Father so why would I want to treat him like one. Said that if I was going to go out with him, that Frank should be just a friend, nothing more and that in his opinion in order for me to move on that was the only way it was going to work. Also said that he felt he didn't trust me as much now as I'd never told him about you as my pen pal and for all he knew I might have other secrets. I listened to all this in disbelief - was this the same bloke I'd spent most of the weekend with? My answer to him, which initially was going to be: "you complete and utter cunt" was actually "I tell you my life story and all you're bothered about is me having a pen pal and wanting to remain close to Frank?" He just shrugged his shoulders. I went on to remind him that I told him last Thursday that I would remain close to Frank. He said he remembered me telling him that but he'd since thought about it and wasn't happy about it. Told me Frank was his boss and he'd have difficulty keeping a working relationship with him, knowing that he might be cuddling me at any time. Said he should be the one doing the cuddling from now on. I just said something like "And yet Monday you were telling me I could still be his lover if that would help me? I think you're confused. So fine Brad, I think that on that note we'd best just remain friends as I can't and won't meet your demands and conditions." He looked down at his feet and nodded.

I then walked off, maintaining my dignity until I reached the coffee room where I sat down, stunned, and cried a bit. Yeah, OK, I know I wanted to cool things myself and step back a bit, but I certainly didn't want to end going out with Brad, I just wanted to slow things down a little, to take stock before leaping in to the next stage. With Brad however, it seems there are now conditions to be met before our relationship can continue. Magenta happened to come in then (now think whereas Nell is 'my little sis' Magenta sees me as her 'little sis' and she really looks out for me). She took one look at me, put her arm round me, asking me what the matter was and saw me clutching the printout of your email. She gently took it out of my hands and read it - I didn't try and stop her. But then after she read your letter to Brad I had to explain the whole situation to her about how you have helped and guided me. Magenta was fuming (not with you) and was ready to do serious harm to Brad - I stopped her, said it wouldn't change anything and she could get sacked for it. She said he's a "fucking arse-hole who doesn't know what he's giving up" She also added that "he might think he doesn't need help but he does in my book; he's a fucking mummy's boy". Magenta doesn't mince her words and says what she thinks ... I must admit, despite feeling like shit I giggled at her statement. Then we both laughed. BTW, Magenta sends her thanks to you - she thinks it was great you were there for me in Franks absence.

So, I'll put the last few days down as one of life's experiences. I'll remain friendly with Brad - if only because I have to work with him - but, I'm afraid I don't see him in the same light now; I doubt I'll want to go out with him 'as a friend', at least not in the near future. I wonder what his Mum will think of all this? And why the sudden change in his personality? (rhetorical that - I know you can't answer either question). The only thing I'm worried about is Franks reaction to all this and him giving Brad a hard time.

Don't worry about me Bob - I've picked myself up from far worse things than this.

Cheers, Victoria

August 15, 10:59am

Victoria, Turns out Brad isn't the man I thought he was. I am so sorry it worked out this way. I knew something like this was going to happen at some point in your life with someone. I was just really hoping it wouldn't be the very first one.

He's wrong about Frank. It makes perfect sense to me that you would want to continue treating Frank as a father figure.

Brad is really pretty unreasonable. Nothing wrong with a cuddle from the man you see as your father. I don't get upset when Sarah's father gives her a cuddle. Hell I encourage it. It just serves to reinforce the bond between father and daughter. Sarah doesn't get upset when my Mum gives me a cuddle. Never has. I guess he just can't get over that lover part.

His loss.

I rather like Magenta's assessment of Brad though. I don't mind in the slightest that you didn't try to stop her from reading what I addressed to Brad. Just happy she isn't cross with me.

Would you mind giving Magenta my email addy? I'd like to ask her something.

As to Brads Mum, it doesn't really matter. She certainly wouldn't be very proud of him but in the end I did warn that it was going to take a special kind of man to be able to handle your past. I am sorry it didn't work out.

Go with your feelings. If you don't feel you could go out with Brad again don't. Do not force yourself. I'm just sorry you were hurt by this.

I know you've come back from far, far worse. I just hate to be part of the cause. As for Frank giving Brad a hard time at work, I don't think you should be too concerned. Remember I see a lot of similarities between Frank and I but there is one glaring difference as well. It's the reason why I think Frank is a better man than I am.

Bob

August 15, 2:36pm

Bob,

Perhaps Brad is more fucked-up about his own past than I am about mine. And as for his change of heart regarding me, I guess it's a bit like the grief one suffers when someone dies - some people grieve straight away and others go through a period of denial first. Perhaps with Brad my revelations last Thursday hadn't entirely sunk in and it suddenly hit him yesterday and he just looked for an excuse to back off'. If that is the case, I would have been entirely understanding and sympathetic had he just told me the truth instead of being such a twat.

And FFS, stop saying you were part of the cause of this - your idea of being an 'anonymous friend' for Brad to chat or confide in was an entirely good one - I wouldn't have suggested it to him otherwise - infinitely far better than my own wacko plan to get him to talk to Frank. Yeah, nice one Victoria - get him to chat with the guy that made love to me evey which way for nearly three years to give him advice - what was I thinking? Doh, see blonde air-head Vicky can surface any time!

BTW, I emailed Magenta some time ago with your addy, so possibly expect an email from her, though I told her it was her choice whether or not she wanted to. Careful, she can be a bit blunt; you think you're brutally honest? - tame compared with her I bet! ;)

Cheers, Victoria

Just a quick author's note here, I have not corrected any of the spelling or grammer errors from Magenta.

August 15, 2:58pm from Magenta

Hi Bob,

OK so you got me - i dont normally go emailing strangers but this is for Vicky and i care for her a lot.

regards, Magenta

August 15, 3:59pm

Hi Magenta,

Nice to meet you. I understand completely about not normally emailing strangers. Vicky speaks very highly of you. She says you are fiercely protective of her. Yes she told me what you threatened for Brad. Don't go getting yourself fired over that sot.

See I think I've really screwed up here. I misjudged Brad rather severely. Had no idea just how insecure he would be. I did a lot to encourage Vicky to give him a try and I hate feeling like I helped hurt her.

 
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