Chapter 3

August 4, 9:31 pm

Bob,

You've taken a lot of time out to give me some very considered replies and I want you to know that I really appreciate it. It's strange, but advice from someone completely removed from my situation and surroundings has been very helpful. You have given me food for thought and ideas to both mull over in my head and to discuss with Nell.

A ten mile hike in the Lakes gave me a lot of time to talk to Nell (Pat and Tim were in their own little world - I think Pat is spending as much time as she can with Tim this next few weeks before he goes off to university; yes, they have a close relationship just as Nell and Frank do). Nell finally told me that she'd worked out the extent of Franks and my relationship a long time ago (that didn't surprise me) and that she's totally cool about it. She knows all is not as it should be between her Mum and Dad and she said her Dad has been a lot happier since he met me. That said, she also agreed with her Dad that I should consider 'moving on' and start seeing Frank as more of a father figure; again, she's totally cool with that concept as she considers me her sister anyway.

Nell told me she has met Brad one time as he was once with Frank at their house (I don't know why). Nell, being a normal 15yo hormone-fuelled lass said she thought he was 'fit' and that I ought to go out with him! She also offered to double date with me if that would make me feel safer (Nell doesn't have a boyfriend as such but has a best friend who happens to be a lad who would make up the foursome) - how perceptive and cool of her. I told her I'd already taken him out a couple of times and that he'd been a perfect gent but all the same, she would like to vet him on my behalf.

Anyway Bob, I'm going to ask Brad out on a third date and take him for a meal at a quiet restaurant I know. Then I'm going to tell him my life story, warts and all, including Franks involvement. Contrary to your advice, I'm going to tell him everything about Franks involvement. There's two reasons I want to do this: a) it's no secret in the company that Frank and I are very close and that we share a motel room when we work away and even if we were sleeping in separate beds, the rumour mill would still say otherwise, so the suggestion of sex is there and b) I think total honesty from the start is the best ploy.

I suspect Brad does know something of my past as he did once say to me that I must tell him straight away if anything he does or says makes me feel uneasy or frightened. I thanked him for that but didn't ask him to expand on exactly what he meant by it. I also know that Magenta had a 'chat' with him when she found out we were going on a date - I think she possibly might have read him the riot act and may have threatened him with physical violence if he so much as hurt a hair on my head! Magenta is a really sweet girl but she is also street wise too!

Naturally, I will tell Brad that the 'lover' part of my relationship with Frank would cease (if it hasn't already) if he and I were to become 'an item'. But that said, I will tell him there is no way I will allow anyone to come between Frank and me in any other respect. As you implied, if he can't handle that or my past, then tough. I also considered giving him a copy of 'Brad and Janet' to read, but there again, there may be just a little too much information for him to handle there ;) (chapter 7 for starters LOL... )

I can live with Brad seeing me as some sort of 'Goddess' so long as he's not seeing me as some 'pretty slim blonde lass he simply wants to fuck'. I really don't think he is, and it's a mean-spirited thought on my part, but that's just cynical Vicky thinking for a moment. The way he acts around me, he's the perfect gent and treats me like I'm made of bone china, so I shall continue to trust him for now and see what happens. I will also take heed of your advice and go slowly, and lead if I think he's going too slowly!

I'd never considered that Franks going away for an extended period of time may be a ploy (or partly a ploy) to make (force?) me to make a choice on 'moving on' - wow - that's a hell of an insight on your part Bob. Before he decided to take on 'project x' he was aware that Brad and I had gone out a couple of times. After all, he even approved - he likes Brad - it was he that employed him on a hunch.

Maybe that's what Frank meant when he said the timing was perfect for the trip? Would that explain the pained look on his face as he left to board the train? - He knew he possibly might not be in the same relationship with me on his return? Shit. He can't have gone on that trip for just my benefit; surely he had several 'demons' to clear in his head? I would hate the thought that he put himself in some danger just to force me to make a choice. There again, I hate the thought of him taking that trip to simply clear any demons, whatever they might be. I'm sure you're right in that he will be seriously thinking about his future with Pat too; Tim leaves in less than two months and Nell two or three years after that (depending on graduation from secondary school etc.). He is going to be incredibly lonely when it's just Pat and himself. OK, enough on this subject.

So, yeah, my name: Victoria. Well, you hit the nail on the head there; yeah, my 'mother' gave me that name - she could have given me the prettiest name on earth and I'd still probably hate it. But secondly, it's so old-fashioned, that's the other reason I don't like it! The lads on site call me 'Vic' or 'Vicks'. Stanley says 'Vickeeze' when trying to say 'Vicky'. Pat is actually 'Patricia's' middle name. Her first name is actually one you like. Another little secret - 'Nell' is really Nell! There is one other name I really love. I met this Ukraine woman during a business trip and her name was 'Zhenya' - I think it's lovely. But I really love the name 'Janet' and wish it were mine for real.

That leads me on to your point about Frank keeping secrets. I understand what you're saying regarding that and I do respect Franks right to 'remain silent'. I don't bug him that much and have only asked him a couple of times during the time I've known him if he wants to talk about such things. I suspect that 'Janet' was a childhood sweetheart, purely because of something he once let slip. I'd never considered the possibility of Pat having a miscarriage - that would possibly explain the celibacy if one or both of them felt some sort of guilt complex over it. You know, because of my lack of a proper, normal upbringing, I've so much to learn about other peoples emotions and the human condition in general - I'm like a young kid in that respect; still learning the ropes - I've probably missed signs that others would notice.

But I honestly don't and won't nag him to tell me more. If he wants to ever talk to me about his demons or personal problems, then that's fine, I will certainly be there to listen to him - I owe him that much after all. That said, in the future I will still occasionally ask him about what bothers him as I don't want him to ever think I don't care about him - I'd hate the thought of that going through his mind.

The one negative thought that now keeps going through my mind though is this: why do I get the increasing feeling of doom that whatever I decide to do (read: moving on or not), that I'm never going to make love with Frank again? I'm basing this intuition on the fact that

a) Frank 'ignored' my hints some weeks ago (before he left for project x) when I suggested a couple of times that we should go to my house at lunchtime for a 'bit of fun' - that was so out-of-character for him to resist ;) and

b) that damned pained face again. Like I've said before, it seemed so final. When he said he loved me, did he mean in the same way as he would love Jess or something else? (Rhetorical that, I know you couldn't possible answer that).

I've maybe done too much thinking. Maybe I'm being silly. I've been writing this reply on and off all day. It's 2:50AM now and I'm wide awake, thinking, yet again. I'm upset too because today (5th) is Franks birthday and he's on that damn godforsaken project with no one to celebrate with other than Mike. I selfishly want him with me, to be in his arms, to celebrate his birthday in my own special way... :(

Finally, Bob, I feel bad that our emails have been very one-sided, very biased to me and not you. You've told me that you've rekindled your love for Sarah and I think that's really great. But how's it panning out for you both now? Is all good for you and her? I really do hope so.

I trust this rambling email makes some sense. I'm very tired and haven't checked it as well as I should, but I promised you a reply Saturday latest and it's now early Sunday morning - really sorry about that. I plan to ask Brad out on a date towards the end of next week. I'll email you again after that and let you know how things panned out (unless anything happens before then).

BTW, I will keep the first part of your last email to myself - you're right, Frank doesn't need to see 'our' thoughts on everything.

Many, many thanks again for your kind, thoughtful words.

Guess I'd better go to bed now - even a 'Goddess' needs her beauty sleep ;)

Cheers, Vicky

August 5, 4:37 pm

Vicky,

Ok for this part only I am going to use this email address because it's the stuff you decided not to share with Frank. My response to the rest of this very same email will be at the sol feedback address. Your part that is included here will not be included in the rest of the letter that will be at sol. So don't mention it when the paragraph comes up missing. That will be intentional as everything else in that email will be fine for sharing with Frank.

Im not sure Susan was just a childhood sweetheart as no real reason to conceal that. I still lean toward she was the one that got away...

Don't harp about it just let him know that you will always be there for him any time he needs to talk about something. You're also going to have to tell him not to worry about sheltering you from whatever it is. He's definitely got the same protective streak I've got. That much again was clear from Brad and Janet.

You care about him. Besides the romantic aspect he is the father you never had. You will always care about him. This is normal for a father figure in your life. Asking what's bothering him is completely normal. He may not tell you and that is ok too. Just be supportive and if he doesn't want to share just try to be understanding.

Look for lots, lots more at the sol address. Once I'm done writing it. Possibility I may not get to it all until after work tomorrow. If that's the case then it won't be in your inbox till around 2300GMT. Do you remember when I told you I work rotating shifts? Well this month is days so I start at 1130 GMT, which sounds reasonable until you realize that I'm 6 hours behind you. Yup I have to be at work at 0530. I get up at 0415. And that dear girl sucks ass.

Bob

August 5, 10:04 pm

Vicky,

Since this is going to run long, I am going to put my responses in your text. I will highlight the start of your bits with V and mine with a B. Except for your first paragraph. Bob,

You've taken a lot of time out to give me some very considered replies and I want you to know that I really appreciate it. It's strange, but advise from someone completely removed from my situation and surroundings has been very helpful. You have given me food for thought and ideas to both mull over in my head and to discuss with Nell.

B I have a confession here. I had worried about telling you just how much time I had spent on some of these emails but figured you should know. I was concerned I would upset you and put you off being a pen friend. It may sound kind of corny but I really do look forward to your emails. You challenge me. You make me think. Really helps the slow days go by too. Which brings up another thing, most of the time I spend actually thinking about the things we discuss is when I am driving. I have a 45 minute commute each way to and from work but more than that I pretty much do my job on auto pilot. I've been doing it long enough that I can just cruise up and down the highway without having to concentrate that hard. Of course that's out the window in an emergency when I'm using the siren. About that before I forget, normal tow trucks aren't allowed blues and twos here either. We are a special case. Actually I've found that getting the opinion of someone completely removed from a situation can be very helpful to me too, so not so strange ... Glad I have been able to help.

V A ten mile hike in the Lakes gave me a lot of time to talk to Nell (Pat and Tim were in their own little world - I think Pat is spending as much time as she can with Tim this next few weeks before he goes off to university; yes, they have a close relationship just as Nell and Frank do). Nell finally told me that she'd worked out the extent of Franks and my relationship a long time ago (that didn't surprise me) and that she's totally cool about it. She knows all is not as it should be between her Mum and Dad and she said her Dad has been a lot happier since he met me. That said, she also agreed with her Dad that I should consider 'moving on' and start seeing Frank as more of a father figure; again, she's totally cool with that concept as she considers me her sister anyway.

B You are right on this one. Pat is spending as much time as she can while she has the chance. The usual progression is university, job, make own way-as in not in your parents house. Course this economy has shit all over all sorts of things. Either way her baby boy is about to leave the nest. We'll get more into the moving on from Frank in a couple of paragraphs.

V Nell told me she has met Brad one time as he was once with Frank at their house (I don't know why). Nell, being a normal 15yo hormone-fuelled lass said she thought he was 'fit' and that I ought to go out with him! She also offered to double date with me if that would make me feel safer (Nell doesn't have a boyfriend as such but has a best friend who happens to be a lad who would make up the foursome) - how perceptive and cool of her. I told her I'd already taken him out a couple of times and that he'd been a perfect gent but all the same, she would like to vet him on my behalf.

B Yes that is very perceptive and cool of her. See little sisters can look out for their big sisters too. Is typing in caps enough to emphasize the point I am about to make? Changing font size too is a pain in the arse.

TAKE NELL UP ON THE OFFER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOING A DOUBLE DATE IS A GREAT IDEA!!

That is as long as you trust her judgment when it comes to content of character etc. Considering your admitted limitations in gauging peoples emotions I think Nell feeling him out is a very sensible thing to do. However that said. The date you intend to blow his head right off his shoulders is NOT the one to double on.

V Anyway Bob, I'm going to ask Brad out on a third date and take him for a meal at a quiet restaurant I know. Then I'm going to tell him my life story, warts and all, including Franks involvement. Contrary to your advice, I'm going to tell him everything about Franks involvement. There's two reasons I want to do this: a) it's no secret in the company that Frank and I are very close and that we share a motel room when we work away and even if we were sleeping in separate beds, the rumour mill would still say otherwise, so the suggestion of sex is there and b) I think total honesty from the start is the best ploy.

B When you do this get a corner table and if at all possible put him so his back is to the wall. Believe it or not most males find this comforting. With our back to the wall we don't have to worry about anyone coming up behind us and we can see the entire premises. It can't hurt. Also wait until after your food arrives and the waiter will be gone for a while so you won't be interrupted. The chief advantage of starting out with the truth is you don't have to try and remember your story. Screw up your courage girl and make sure you tell me the outcome. Please? Just be prepared for the chance it may be more than he can handle. I do hope not. I'm cheering for ya!!!!!!!!

V I suspect Brad does know something of my past as he did once say to me that I must tell him straight away if anything he does or says makes me feel uneasy or frightened. I thanked him for that but didn't ask him to expand on exactly what he meant by it. I also know that Magenta had a 'chat' with him when she found out we were going on a date - I think she possibly might have read him the riot act and may have threatened him with physical violence if he so much as hurt a hair on my head! Magenta is a really sweet girl but she is also street wise too!

B Probably he does, at least he has an idea but has no clue as to how bad things were. I expect I know more than he does for now anyway. Again when you do this you do not need to get into specific events, especially if you find the memories too painful to delve into. He should know it happened more than once. He should know these people were brought home by HER. BEFORE you tell him about the sexual aspect of you and Frank he needs to know Frank is the first person you were able to trust AND that he is the one that got you off the streets. Might make the sex aspect easier to handle. Emphasize that it was your idea for Frank to make love to you and not his. Don't be shocked if he seems to have trouble grasping all of this. It's kind of a lot to process all at once. WHEN he is speechless after you've said your piece, give him a couple of minutes. As for Magenta I like her already. Now if Brad fucks up I can just sick her on him ... Right after telling Serge Vicky hurt...

V Naturally, I will tell Brad that the 'lover' part of my relationship with Frank would cease (if it hasn't already) if he and I were to become 'an item'. But that said, I will tell him there is no way I will allow anyone to come between Frank and me in any other respect. As you implied, if he can't handle that or my past, then tough. I also considered giving him a copy of 'Brad and Janet' to read, but there again, there may be just a little too much information for him to handle there ;) (chapter 7 for starters LOL... )

B The lover part has to be gone before you get too much further with Brad. Get yourself a BOB to relieve your own frustrations if you need too. That's Battery Operated Boyfriend girlie. You will need to decide where you want to go with Brad before Frank gets back. It's absolutely not fair for you to start seeing him now just to jump straight back into bed with Frank at the end of the month. Trying a few dates is fine and normal. But just as he needs to be aware of your needs, you need to be aware of what he deserves too. Some things are a two way street.

Brad IS NOT allowed to read Brad and Janet until your relationship has progressed far enough that he has seen chapter 7 with his own eyes. Remember Frank does paint a pretty fair picture. Actually Brad should not read Brad and Janet at all. Its going to serve as a giant reminder of your sexual relationship with Frank. Also remember how I said Brad and Janet damn near glows in the fucking dark with Franks love? That might be a bit much for the poor lad too. Let me put it this way Nell knows exactly what Frank and Pat did that resulted in her own existence. That doesn't mean she wants to think about it. Or have a graphically detailed story about it handed to her either!!

V I can live with Brad seeing me as some sort of 'Goddess' so long as he's not seeing me as some 'pretty slim blonde lass he simply wants to fuck'. I really don't think he is, and it's a mean-spirited thought on my part, but that's just cynical Vicky thinking for a moment. The way he acts around me, he's the perfect gent and treats me like I'm made of bone china, so I shall continue to trust him for now and see what happens. I will also take heed of your advice and go slowly, and lead if I think he's going too slowly!

B Well hard to phrase here so all I can do is jump in with both feet. Hopefully I don't manage to shove them down my own throat. The simply wants to fuck part. He does and he doesn't. He does because at no point in our conversation has it been mentioned that Brad is a blind man. The thought has crossed his mind a time or two, you can count on that. This does not mean that it is the only thing in his mind.

Maybe I can explain this way. Have I rediscovered my feelings for my wife? Yes. Do I take my vows very seriously? Yes. Do I at least check out just about every female that crosses my path between the ages of 18 and 45? HELL YES!!!! Just because I look doesn't mean I have any intention of touching or even trying to though. It is just the nature of men. It is what we do. Does this make any sense to you? You absolutely should go slowly. At least as slowly as you are comfortable with. I think your own emotional development requires it. In my own life every time I go against my instincts it jumps up to bite me in the ass. Follow yours. You have the right to say NO any damn time you damn well please. Do not pressure yourself as to how this progresses. Do what feels right to you. If he starts to pressure you than to hell with him. In all honesty I don't think that is a big concern.

V I'd never considered that Frank going away for an extended period of time may be a ploy (or partly a ploy) to make (force?) me to make a choice on 'moving on' - wow - that's a hell of an insight on your part Bob. Before he decided to take on 'project x' he was aware that Brad and I had gone out a couple of times. After all, he even approved - he likes Brad - it was he that employed him on a hunch.

B I saw that one the same way I see Franks feelings in Brad and Janet. To me it was there and writ large. You have to remember though I seem to have enough in common with Frank that what seems obvious to me may not be to someone else.

He likes Brad and employed him on a hunch but remember who he hires is in the best interests of the firm not anyone else. As for liking him personally that's a nice bonus. Approving of you going out with him is another matter entirely. Frank would be a very strict judge of who you decide to become involved with. Just as he is going to give the once over to whoever Nell dates he is going to do the same with men you date. Getting that approval is no mean feat and should speak volumes about what Frank thinks of the guy.