Chapter 1

I met (so to speak) Vicky in a slightly unconventional manner. It was through SOL. I was particularly taken by a story I read, a story which I will not name in order to give the people involved some privacy. Anyhow I was struck by the way the author was able to communicate emotion, specifically love. This was at a time when I had no emotions left. I looked at my wife and felt nothing. No Love. No hate. No feelings at all. So the depth of emotion in this story got to me in a big way. So big I had to stop reading it and I wrote the author.

Instead of the author of the story I got the other main character instead.

She and I struck up a friendship pretty quickly. It started simple enough. I asked a couple of questions and had a comment or two. She replied. She would ask a question that I would answer. We even talked about the author a little regarding the differences between British English and American English. For example a fag in England is a cigarette here. Kind of a radical difference from our usage isn't it? I laughed. Especially when I pictured the author asking for a fag while working on a construction site in the South!

Well, we struck up a fast friendship this un named girl and I. I didn't know her real name at the time just her name from the story which I knew had been changed. It didn't take long before we were sharing personal details of each other's lives.

Right from the start we were writing to each other almost every single day. Sometimes more than once a day. As the subjects we discussed got deeper the emails got longer and longer. It didn't take too long for my emails to her to take a couple of hours to write.

I think I am going to let you read the emails for yourselves.

Almost all names have been changed including the name of the story I read.

The author of the story knows about this and all quotes are with permission.

It all started with this.

On 19 July at 1:34 AM, SOL Feedback wrote: Message from: Bob

I've just finished chapter 21 where Eddie has his health crises and Janet has a crises of her own. I must say your writing has been very effective. At times I've laughed, cried and just about everything in between. So that said I do have a question. Is this story really true? Is Janet real or a story that could be?

This is what I got back.

Bob,

Thank you for your kind words and interest.

In actual fact, this is 'Janet' (not my real name) replying, so I guess that answers your question!

Frank is working away in another country and will be for quite some time, and his only contact with civilization is a sat phone, so no Internet or even emails.

He hates the thought of feedback going unanswered so has asked me to monitor his SOL account and feedback email address and to give a quick reply to any messages.

Frank will reply in more detail (if necessary) on his return.

I can tell you that in 'Brad and Janet' the account is true, only locations and names have been changed.

And yes, I'm still doing OK!

Best regards,

'Janet' (on behalf of Frank)

July 19, 8:12 am

Well then if that is the case please allow me a couple of thoughts on the subject. Personally if it was my story and some of those things were published, I'd have his head on a platter-or maybe his bollocks. Names changed or not I probably would have had a screaming fit at some of the things revealed in the story. Some of those details are intensely personal and I would have been highly upset if it had been my life that was put on the page.

In some ways I can relate quite well to Frank. In others well not so much. I am a somewhat jaded 38 year old in a relatively loveless marriage. Although with 3 times in the last 18 months it seems like I can hardly complain comparatively-8 years? YEARS!!! As you Brits would say Bloody hell. There comes a point when it just isn't fair for one person to expect the other person to stay true to their vows. I have stayed true to mine, so far, but at times it is a struggle. There is a difference between sex and intimacy. It is quite possible to have one and not the other. Crap, look who I'm telling, if anybody knows, it's you.

Unlike Frank I do not have any children. Strangely enough I was the one that wanted them. My wife has always said she did yet I am the one upset about it so I guess that tells me the reality of that particular issue.

On a much lighter note I thought I was familiar with British slang terms. I've been reading magazines that were published in England since I was 9 or 10, still subscribe to one as a matter of fact. Anyhow I recently learned one has a different meaning there than it does here. In the US a fanny is the same thing as an arse and both males and females have one. Quite different in England I know-now anyway. Next time my mother is over and watching John Cleese I am going to fall on the floor laughing and I will not be able to explain why cause I know I've heard him use that word before.

You are a very special individual "Janet" Seems you and Frank were both fortunate to find each other. Nobody deserves the youth you had. Even though we've never met and most likely never will I feel I've gotten to know you a little through the story. So I guess you can add me as another member of your fan club.

One last question, is the person Eddie is based on still doing well after the heart attack?

Bob

I think at this point I should mention that when these emails were exchanged Janet was just about half my age. Frank is a good 10 years or so older than I am and yes I am being a little generous with that age difference.

July 20 3:40am

Bob,

Thanks for a lovely reply and I'm sure Frank will have something to say to you once he gets back - he will certainly empathize with you regarding you own marital predicament. It's sad you didn't get the children you so wanted. I do know that without Nell and Tim, there would be nothing to really keep Frank at home (and I hate to say that - I really like Patricia). Tim starts university this September, then Nell will follow in three years time - I know he's dreading that day...

However, I have to take you to task on your first comment. Not only was I aware of Frank writing up an account of our story (I was with him a lot of the time as he wrote it), I also knew what the content and and style was, and, more to the point, I actively encouraged him to include intimate details, both the good and the bad. In fact, I wanted him to be more graphic in the way he described my past - I wanted folk to REALLY know what it was like to be a victim of rape and torture - but Frank didn't want to go that far. He wanted to place more emphasis on my subsequent healing and rehabilitation (of which his gentle love making helped me greatly). Frank felt that too much emphasis on the rape, torture and humiliation I suffered as a child would attract an audience he wasn't aiming our story at.

I've known about Franks love of erotic literature from very early on. We're very 'open book' with each other and he readily admitted that to me that he read such stuff. In fact, three of his favorite authors on SOL now happen to be mine too - 'Oyster50', 'Tedbiker' and Kaffir. If you want to read lovely stories of 'girls being saved', look them up. Oysters tales of 'Cindy', 'Cristina' and 'Nikki' are wonderful (warning, you must really read all three together, as Oyster is about to combine the three stories together). Kaffir's story 'A Just Reward' will have you in tears and Tedbikers 'Jenny' series are brilliant too. A word of warning about Kaffir's style of writing (and to a lesser extent Tedbiker) - they use very 'English' English; It's the kind of English that Americans see as the stereotypical Brit - we don't really talk like that, well, not now anyway! - but Kaffir's story is set in the late 50's through to the late 60's - Frank tells me that people in the UK probably did speak more like Kaffir's style of writing back then. Oyster50 is from the USA and his stories are all set in the deep south - I love his dialogue and can 'hear; those deep southern accents even though I'm not American (though I've watched plenty of American films).

Presently, I'm reading 'Rebeca Danced' by Ezzy B - it's probably more of a 'girly story' (I know Frank hasn't read it) but I'm enjoying it very much - you may not like it as the story revolves around teens 'coming of age'.

Regarding 'fanny' et al - it doesn't just stop there. Frank has told me stories of when he worked in the US throughout the 90's. He said many, many terms (technical and conversational) have different meanings and he often found himself taken out of context and once or twice nearly in trouble! Frank loves the US name for what we call a 'bum bag'; namely a 'fanny pack'. That still makes him laugh; he says it sounds like a female hygiene item! Side mention from Bob here, In England fanny is another term for pussy.

To answer your last question, 'Eddie' is doing very well and is soon to retire. He is presently training a new lad as store man and he will then gradually cut-back his hours to just one day a week and then in a year or so's time will retire completely. 'Eddie and Columbia' are very happy and have a new addition to their family - yet another grandchild!

So all is good, except I'm missing Frank - he's been away for three weeks already and isn't due back till the end of August. Nell is missing him terribly too. (Yeah, a 15yo teen girl missing her Dad - that has to be something!).

I'm sorry, I've waffled on. I've got a day off work today and I'm at a bit of a loose end at home. I'll make sure that Frank see's your emails - I'm sure he will want to add one or two lines to your feedback - thanks again for the interest.

Kind Regards,

'Janet' X

July 21, 2:49 am

"Janet",

I'm trying to tread carefully here as I have absolutely no desire to cause a flashback. Not easy as I tend to be a very blunt person with very little sugar coating. So please, please if anything I say disturbs you too much stop reading and save the email for Frank to sort me out.

You've had far too much pain in your life and I will not be the cause of more. At least not on purpose. Pain is something I find myself becoming more familiar with and I have no desire to inflict that on others. More about that later though. It's on the personal side for me to reveal it, and at the moment still debating...

As for taking me to task, I don't mind in the slightest. I'm quite relieved you did actually. I'm glad Frank involved you in the writing. Considering your role and the depth of things you allowed him to share he damn well better have involved you. Yes it is Franks life he wrote about, but in a way it isn't at all. It's your story and he is but a supporting cast member. OK, ok a central cast member, but time for that honest bit again you are the star of this story, not Frank.

I understand why the rape scenes are there. It wasn't the rape scene I was thinking of as being too intimate to share. It's one of the few specific events footnoted and I think Frank explained its inclusion rather well, particularly the bit about trying to avoid the wrong kind of audience for that. His explanation did make my blood run cold though.

Most of the erotic stories I've read seem to be aimed at a male audience, as such it never really occurred to me that there would be men with rape fantasies. It's common enough in women that it is not considered all that unusual-to have the fantasies I mean. But to find that there are men with these fantasies too scares the shit out of me. That is no easy thing to do. I am 6'2" and over 32 stone. Yes more than 4 times your own weight. Needless to say, I do not intimidate easily.

The thought that there are men with these fantasies who may try to act upon them is disgusting and horrifying at the same time. The worst part is I don't think it's even about rape in the first place, more about control. Either being in control or out of control of a situation. At least I understand that aspect of S&M even if I don't quite get the whole whips chains and leather/latex concept. Then again I don't understand foot fetishes either.

While horrible doesn't even begin to describe those events I was thinking more of some of the intimate times between "Janet" and Frank may have been a little too personal for sharing with people you don't know, never met and in all reality probably never will meet.--

Or is that the secret then, knowing you will never meet your readers made it easier to share these things? Notice please that I choose the word intimate specifically. What a dumbass I must look like-explaining the difference between sex and intimacy to a rape victim. At least you got the chance to discover we're not all monsters. Men that is.

In all honesty I did upon reading think Frank was sexually active with you too early in your relationship-especially after the first dinner at Fisherman's Catch when at the time you knew no other way to repay someone for something. Again one of the more horrifying type things that have occurred. Not because it was intrinsically bad, but because that was the only way you knew at the time. But then I only have my own experience to go on and as I was not there I am in no position to judge. It just seemed at that point in the story when you asked him to make love to you that he was taking advantage of you. It was later in the story when I realized that was not the case. I feel even better about it for what you said in your email about that and I will add relieved too.

You are not the first rape victim I have ever talked to. I'd almost forgotten that memory until now. I still remember my shock at the discovery. It was just before I turned 17, a group of us were outside school and my plans to spend the afternoon with Christine had been interrupted. Then she told me why. Christine wasn't the one, though she had her own traumas, it was another girl whose name I no longer remember but whose face I still recall. After that I was always more careful around her. I was a bit over 22 stone then and even then I knew my size could be intimidating.

I will look up those authors you mentioned. May even try the "girly" one. I have only ever really enjoyed a couple of female authors. Ann Rice, though I seem to be over her and Lindsey Davis. She has a series of mysteries that take place in Rome in the time of Emperor Vespasian. There's something about her work that really appeals to me. Maybe it is because so many of her characters were real people, even if the events themselves are made up.

Do I like stories of "girls being saved" Yes. Doesn't have to be girls though. I like animals too and have a rescue story of my own there. There are some men who would just love to be a woman's "knight in shining armor". I am in that group. Frank is too but I don't think he knew it until he met you. Now that I think of it I've managed that at least once or twice too, at least in a small way. Gallant possibly, romantic no.

You have officially ruined fanny packs for me. Especially since my wife still uses one from time to time. I'm going to get in trouble for laughing next time she pulls it out...

Bob

July 22, 8:05 am

Bob,

Your email didn't disturb me, in fact, I find it touching you took time to write a detailed and thoughtful reply. Frank sharing my story with strangers may seem odd to you, yet to me, it is a form of closure. Frank did agonize over this. As I stated before, he did consult me before and during the writing of Brad and Janet. He was going to write a family-friendly version initially, but with his (our) love of erotica and that fact that his 'making love' to me in the most gentle and caring way possible was central to my rehabilitation (seriously, it was), I almost decided for him that the story had to include that intimacy between us as part of the central theme.

Being slightly pedantic here, Frank didn't actually make love to me that first night (after the Fisherman's Catch meal) or even the second night. He merely introduced me to the delights of being cuddled. Yes, I know he admitted in the story to stroking my thighs and caressing my bum as I slept that first night. But, not that I would have understood back then, I do now understand that for a bloke that had not had sex for eight years, the temptation to touch the bare legs of a 17year old girl, whose bum was also showing as a result of sleeping curled up must have been just too much of a temptation for him. Credit to him for stopping where he did - as you will have realized, I would have let him 'fuck me' that night, but, I would have been packing my things and moving on the next day, thinking 'oh well, just another typical bloke', and 'Brad and Janet' and this email would not exist.

The next evening, I insisted (practically begged) him to cuddle me again, and then to join me in bed and remain cuddling me. He was the perfect gent. As we spooned, I knew he had an erection - I felt it - even in my fucked-up state at that time, I realized that here was a guy turned on by me, but yet he did nothing about it; he respected me, just did as I asked (cuddled me), something that up until then in my miserable life I'd never known. That's why within 48hours I began to trust him. Now I trust him with my life. My trust and love for that bloke is unconditional. And yes, I still enjoy a simple cuddle and embrace from him - it's hard to describe how safe that makes me feel. Frank understates his role in making me what I am today. To me though, he is my hero, my knight in shining armour.

As for fetishes and the strange things people love, well, so long as it remains a fantasy, just words in a story, I guess that's OK. It's when people carry out those fantasies it is not. Frank and I have looked at some of the stories on SOL and ASSTR and quite frankly, cannot believe what some people get off on. But, as Frank says, 'each to their own, whatever floats your boat'.

As for you - 6'2" and 32 stone - wow! - That makes you the size of Stanley! Frank is only 5'10" and 13 stone - I guess he'd feel intimidated in your presence until he got to know you! You'd no doubt pick me up like I was a feather!

It must have been tough for you at nearly 17 in the knowledge that someone you knew had been raped. Frank still struggles to come to terms with my revelations at the age of 50, so for a 17 year old, that must have really played with your immature emotions. There have been a couple of nights when I've been with Frank in some motel, to find myself waking up in the middle of the night and find him sobbing his heart out. I'd eventually coax out of him that he'd simply been watching me sleep, looking so peaceful and then trying to come to terms with all that happened to me as a child – it sometimes really overwhelms him. Those are the occasions where the tables turn and I comfort him. It saddens me to see him in that state, but at the same time it proves to me (not that it is needed) just what sort of bloke he is.

So, are you going to tell me your story about the animal you rescued? We girls love stories like that! Sorry to also read you suffer personal pain - I take it you mean emotional, and I guess that must be your relationship with your wife. That's one aspect of Franks life I cannot get him to talk about. Oh, and sorry about making you see 'fanny packs' in a new light - good luck explaining your chuckles next your wife dons hers! ;) Kind Regards,

Jane

July 23, 1:13 am

"Janet"

I'm glad you found my last email touching. Thank you for the compliment. Now about the time part-you have no idea how long it took me to write it. Something like 15 hours start to finish. With several rereads and revisions mixed in. I meant what I said about not wanting to cause any additional harm. I don't get off on inflicting pain on others. Keep in mind that 15 hours is not straight through. Actual time would be closer to about an hour. You know type a little, go away from it, come back in twenty or thirty minutes sort of thing. Been doing that a lot lately. You'll see why later if you are interested but I am trying not to drop my own emotional baggage on you. I've got a bit of a dichotomy going here as I have to keep reminding myself that even though I got to know you through Brad and Janet you hardly know me at all. The other is one of the ways your story has affected me. That is what the hell are you feeling sorry for yourself for-look what "Janet" went through and how far she has come since...

I know you and Frank weren't sexually active those first couple of nights. Something like the third though? Just saying when I first read the story I thought that was a bit fast, but upon continuing to read decided that I was in no position to judge and you were, that's all. Again here I'm still separating sex and intimacy. When I spoke of you and Frank sharing intimate things I'm not necessarily including sex.

I'm not quite sure how to explain this bit and again not so good with sugar coating. Mary Poppins I'm not ... So speaking as a man with his own specific experiences behind him I can tell you it is completely possible for a man to have sex and feel no intimacy. Again I'm treading on look who I'm telling territory but I include only good men, not the sort of pathetic excuses you were exposed to before Frank.

To me intimacy is more about the emotional connection. I find that a kiss can be far more intimate than the act of intercourse itself. Take my marriage, for me at least the level of intimacy I feel is directly related to the emotional connection I have with her at the time. I have had sex with no intimacy what so ever-not with the wife, that was someone else, In that case it is a purely physical thing, a lot like, how to phrase this, "relieving ones self" only with a partner.

I'm glad to see you refer to what you do with Frank as making love. Again to me there are differences. Making love and fucking are not the same thing-they can be, but they don't have to be. As an example the scene on the ferry on your first trip to Belgium. Just read that chapter last night. When you first got into the cabin and shall we say "tore one off", that was both fucking and making love at the same time. It was fucking to relieve the built up frustrations of not having had a chance to be physical for some time. It was making love because it was with someone that loves you and shares an emotional connection to you. What you did later the same night was making love and not fucking. Now back to that first night. You said had Frank "fucked you" that night you would have packed your things in the morning, left and "Brad and Janet" and this email would not exist. The stakes were far, far higher than that girlie.

I'm from New York.

These streets are hard.

I don't imagine England is too different. Cities are cities you just have less gunfire in yours. I've stood over more than one body. The latest was yesterday.

If you hadn't met Frank when you did there's a very good chance you wouldn't have made it. Girls are even more susceptible than boys and a tiny thing like you even more so.

Frank can try and say he didn't all he likes. The plain truth of the matter is he saved your life. Before you jump to the wrong conclusion remind me to tell you what I do for a living. Just keep that whole saving people thing in mind and no not the EMS fire or police but I do work for a government agency and the vehicle I use does have what you refer to as "blues and twos" it is considered an emergency vehicle and I do have the right to go through red lights.

In fact I've decided to make a game of it just to lighten things up a little. Try and guess what I do. I'm not telling until you take a couple of shots at it. Let's see how close you get. I will tell you about Riff Raff The Cat-and how he got his name. But first I would like to know if this email addy accepts attachments. I want to show you my pussy!

I couldn't even type that with a straight face...

About feeling safe when you are snuggled in Franks arms I understand that. It's one of the things my wife used to say while we spooned. I'm quite fond of spooning myself. We do seem to use the word cuddle a little differently. Some of the scenes Frank has a cuddle in we would describe as a hug. I've always used cuddle and snuggle interchangeably.

As for the girl I knew who had been raped, we were not close and it was summer school not regular term. For the regular school year it was an all boys Catholic school. It was only open to girls during summer for makeup purposes. Our favorite lie to the Freshmen was that the school was going to go coed next year. Needless to say the year the school announced that in the newspaper I didn't believe them until I went and saw for myself-a dozen years after I graduated.

As for fanny packs I'm actually looking forward to the next time she drags it out. I'll still be laughing when I tell her what a fanny is in England.

Tell Frank a fag here is not a cigarette-its a derogatory term for homosexual men...

Bob

July 23, 8:33 am

Bob,

OK, here goes, 30mins during my lunch break, I did a little 'social engineering' on you:

This particular email from Janet has been edited for publication. You see I never hid my identity from her. Janet had my normal email address. With that she was able to find out EXACTLY what I do, who I work for and even managed to come up with my mothers street address. So, in order to keep my own anonymity intact I have chosen not to share her results here.

Sorry if I've either: a) creeped you out or b) made a complete fool of myself! Probably the latter - you can laugh at me, I don't mind! In the UK, the only emergency vehicles with 'blues and twos' are police, fire, ambulance, and the coast guard, plus some specialist military vehicles such as anti-terrorist and the bomb squad.

As for living on the streets, I managed it for just over a year without serious mishap, but I guess I was just very, very lucky. Once there was this guy who must have later regretted making an advance on me (I was cornered in a dead-end alley). I managed to get to him first and kicked him squarely in the balls, hard. He fell to the floor in agony, i then kicked him in the face and then I ran off. 8 stone only I might be, but, I have strong legs and a swift kick with a good aim - no bloke can stand that! In terms of risk to my life I was later actually more of a risk to myself than being hurt by others. As Frank hinted at in 'Brad and Janet', a couple of days after my 17th birthday, I'd all but given up and was contemplating suicide. That's the state Frank first found me in - crying in desperation as I contemplated my very limited options.

Now, send me that photo of your 'pussy', and no, I'm not sending you a photo of mine. Because I don't own a cat, what did you think I meant... ;)

Best regards, Janet

July 23, 11:35 am

Janet,

Before you go any further this email is not safe to read at work-even during your lunch. The beginning is ok but you will probably be crying before the end of it. Sorry in advance but you researched me a lot more than I had expected--yeah I know, I know throwing a challenge to "Janet" is a lot like standing in the middle of Pamplona waving a giant red flag...

Now I know why Frank and your work mates are so impressed with you.

Now besides sending you a pic of Riff Raff and telling you his story I have to send you one of Godzilla too-which is still so new as to not be in service yet. I reeeaaaalllllly wanna play with the new toy!! It's not often someone as truck mad as I am gets a 452000 Great British Pound present. ($700k) As to the pic you found Godzilla has the same number of axles in a different configuration. It's a Western Star 4900TS that TS is for Twin Steer. 8 wheelers are not a common type here. Technically the truck isn't street legal in this state, but you can get away with ignoring all sorts of transport laws when you work for the government. To my knowledge there's only one other truck in New York of similar size and it operates by special permit with lots of restrictions similar to your STGO system. Our heavy trucks only come out as needed so rack up pretty low miles. The truck Godzilla is replacing is a 27 year old Peterbilt that has less than 50k miles on it from new. A typical highway truck in the US runs 3 times that in a single year.

You got several direct quotes from me.

Again impressed young lady.

Some lives we save directly some indirectly.

One of my coworkers was first to arrive at a crash involving a NYPD car that was hit while responding to his own emergency. The squad car caught fire. The driver was trapped inside. His legs were already burning. My guy used a fire extinguisher to put the fire out. I still feel sorry for that cop. We carry dry chemical extinguishers, not CO2. The pain in getting the chemical powder out of his burns would be on a level I shudder to think of. It's a very fine powder. So fine that putting water on it just forces it into the air as it takes a long time to absorb.

Another did CPR on a heart attack victim until paramedics arrived.

At least two that I know have delivered babies.

Several have held the hands of the dying as they left this world.