Chapter 1

WORST FEARS

I couldn't believe that I was going to do this! It was crazy but here I was walking down the hallways of my local high school, purpose guiding my strides. I was really going to do it.

Inside, it felt like I could burst open at any moment. It was chaotic to the point that I could hear my heart beating non-stop. I tried every trick I knew of to try and still my quaking heart, to try and calm myself but no matter what I did, I could still hear the thumping of my heart, could still feel the wetting of my palms.

I walked past my locker and the few people I had come to regard friends throughout my high school career. They called out their greetings to me but I ignored them all. I knew that if I even let my gaze fall on them, if I even let my mind be derailed from its purpose, even if it was for a moment, I'd never go through with it. So with an apology to my friends, at least in my heart, I continued walking down the hall way to where I knew my future was. I was really going to do it.

As I neared my future, my mind tried valiantly to come up with reasons why I shouldn't go through with it. It was crazy, my mind screamed at me. You shouldn't do this, Andrew. You're going to embarrass yourself. What does it matter, you're only in high school, there will always be others. On and on, my mind came out with reasons why I shouldn't try what I was about trying. I tried valiantly to come up with reasons why I shouldn't do this. It was crazy.

But I knew I was going to go through with it. I knew I was going to do it. As crazy as it sounded, as suicidal as it seemed, I was going to go through with it. Why, you ask?

It certainly was not because I knew that my life would be better off taking this chance. It wasn't because I knew that I'd always wander what my life would be like had I had the courage to pursue my future. It wasn't the fact that I'd made a promise to my Grandfather who had cancer and was dying soon that I would give it my best shot. It certainly was not any of these reasons. It was simple, when I thought of it but it was much more complicated than that.

I loved her.

I had always loved her right from the first moment I set my eyes on her, in fifth grade.

Melanie VanCamp had been my dream girl, right from the very first moment I set my eyes on her. I remember vividly the very first day she came into the classroom. It was on a Tuesday, right after summer break. I'd already gotten bored with school and the repetitious drone of grade school. As far as I knew, there were better things to do than be cooped up in a little room with other annoying fifth graders and be made to learn things that I'd already learned during that summer. It was silly, and I was bored.

But that was before Melanie was introduced to the class; that was before my life changed, forever. I remember her, even as a little girl looking lost, her deep blue eyes staring about the room. I remember her nervously flicking the errant strand of her hair from her face. I remember our eyes meeting and me falling into those deep blue eyes. That was the moment for me; the moment I met my future, my soul mate.

I looked ahead of me at the woman that was my future. She'd come a long way from that nervous girl that was introduced to our class. She'd grown into a woman, tall, slender and most of all, beautiful. I'd surreptitiously watched her over the years. I'd watched her as she grew into the woman that she was now and I couldn't help but fall more in love with her.

I didn't love her because she was the most beautiful girl in our class and the captain of the cheer squad and the president of the student council. No, those things just enhanced my opinion of her. I love her because of her heart. She was the most loving, compassionate person that I know and she hid it all in her dumb blonde bimbo look, just so that people wouldn't know and be intimidated by her. But I did. I knew that behind that personae is a woman who knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it, a woman who was smart and intelligent that she could accomplish anything she wanted to.

In my eyes, she was a goddess come to life. In my eyes, she was perfection.

I strode purposefully to where she stood, talking to one of her friends. I could literally hear the hallway go quiet as I made my way to where she was. It was now or never.

"Hey, Melanie, how are you?" I asked as I stood before her. Now, the whole hall did go quiet.

She looked at me as if I'd gone crazy as did her friend. Well, welcome to the club.

In her confusion, she couldn't formulate an answer to my question. Where I should have been scared, it gave me strength that this goddess was completely flustered with me.

"I think I just asked you how you were," I said casually as I felt small of the tension ease from me.

"I—uh—um—what –this—what did you say?" she asked completely flustered.

"I just asked how you were, I believe," I replied her.

Having calmed herself somewhat, she was able to say something coherent. "Why would you ask after my well-being?" she asked, a little annoyance creeping into her voice.

"Because I'm interested in you," I replied not being fazed by her obvious annoyance.

That got her attention. I was sure that she wanted to intimidate me so that I'd become flustered before her, thereby embarrassing myself but I'd promised myself that I would never allow her to get me flustered.

She scoffed. "Wow, that's a new one. Next you're going to ask me out on a date," she said derisively.

This was not going the way I had planned. I'd just wanted to make small talk then when we were alone, I'd declare my undying love for her. Well, first rule of engagement is that no plan survives contact with the enemy.

"Well, I wasn't planning on it but now that you suggested it, would you like to go on a date with me?" I asked as cheerfully as I could. I knew that we had an audience but that did not faze me at all. It was all or nothing.

"As if I'd ever go on a date with you," she started saying but I cut her off.

"Of course you wouldn't but I'm confident that come Friday, I'd change your mind," I interrupted, sounding more confident than I felt.

She didn't know what to do. On the one hand she wanted to just walk away but she knew that she had to embarrass me. Her reputation was at stake after all.

"That would be in your wildest dreams," she promised.

I smiled at her. This was getting to be more fun than I thought. "Then my wildest dreams are about to come to life."

She was going to make another offhand comment when the bell rang. I smiled at her as she scowled at me. She didn't like me having the last words but there was nothing else she could say about it.

She turned and walked away with her friend who had been silent all through the whole encounter. I watched as she walked away and I was still enthralled by her beauty even if it was her backside that I only just saw.

I think I did well, I told myself. If I was honest with myself, I did better than well. I did great! But then there's the matter of planning the perfect date for her. I had no idea what her idea of a perfect date was but I knew that I was going to make her want to go on a date with me, come Friday. I just needed a plan.

I turned and started walking towards where my first class was. I was immediately joined by the only person I could call my best friend.

"Dude, what the hell was that? Have you gone completely crazy?" Jeremy or Jer as I call him asked.

I looked at my friend and I couldn't help myself. "Yes my friend, I've gone completely crazy," I replied him.

"Absolutely, you're totally, deep in it," he said, vehemently.

"Totally, deep in it," I reiterated.

"Yes, you are."

"Yes, I am. Crazy in love with her," I added.

"Fucking A—hey, what's that mean? Are you crazy?" he asked incredulously.

"I just told you. I'm crazy in love with her, man," I replied him, seriously this time.

"Dude, that's just crazy. Are you fucking nuts?" he exclaimed.

I laughed at that. "But I just told you my friend," I replied laughing at him.

He was quiet for a while. "That's not funny," he started but at my mirth he smiled at me. "Ok, I guess it was funny," he conceded.

"Yeah, that it is."

"But you have to admit that what you just did was suicide," he explained.

"Then, I'd die with a happy smile on my face."

With that we came to the class. He went up to his seat as I did. We were waiting for our American Lit teacher to start when he leaned forward and asked, "Are you really going on a date with her?"

I looked back at him. "I don't know, man but I certainly hope so," I replied him.

He smiled at me. "It's crazy but I get the feeling that things are about to get a little interesting here," he expounded.

I nodded and turned in my seat. Things were sure going to get interesting. I could already feel it in my body.

"Dude, you just started a revolution," Jer exclaimed as soon as he joined me during lunch.

I looked up from my lunch. "What do you mean?" I asked, perplexed by his remark.

He carefully unwrapped his sandwiches which was his signature lunch, from his mom. Jer wouldn't touch the schools food even if it was the last thing on earth. He was that spoiled.

"I just saw Jake talking to Megan," he said while taking a bite from his sandwich.

"The geeky, glass-wearing Jake?" I asked in shock.

"The very same, my dear friend. The very same," he replied sagely.

"And what has that got to do with me?" I asked failing to make the connection.

He looked at me as if I was unserious. "You really don't see it, do you?" he asked.

I shook my head. I still couldn't see where he was coming from.

He drew his seat closer to me. "What are the odds that the day you summon the strength to talk to your Angel, Jake asks Megan out, who I might add is the only girl he's ever had eyes for," he said as if that explained anything.

"There are no odds here. Maybe he just got tired of waiting for the day that she would acknowledge him."

"Ha!" he laughed out loud, drawing the attention of people in the cafeteria. "Or maybe he was just following your footstep, bro."

"Nah, I still think my own maybe is better," I said still disbelieving what he was implying. There was no way I was the cause of a revolution.

"You just don't want to admit it, but you know it's true."

"If it's true, then my good friend, why aren't you over there talking to Lisa?" I asked while pointing at a table, two rows from where we sat.

Jer blushed with embarrassment. He's always had the hots for Lisa, but in his twisted way, he doesn't want anyone knowing about it, at least no mentioning it publicly.

"Who said anything about me?" he asked, trying to deflect my attention.

"But, you just said that I've started some sort of revolution," I pointed out to him.

"Yeah, but it doesn't have anything to do with me," he said.

"So you're saying that you don't like Lisa, because I have a box of letter that would prove otherwise," I replied.

He visibly flinched. "That was a low blow, bro. It's not funny."

"All's fair in love and war!" I declared while laughing at his unease.

"So, any thought as to how you're going to woo your fair lady?" he asked after some time.

I could have called him to it but I let it slide. It was time to give the guy a break anyway. And besides, I wanted to talk about something else.

I shook my head. "I have absolutely no idea but I'm sure something will come up," I replied.

He shook his head in wonder. "You realize that your whole future and happiness are on the line here," he asked.

I nodded. "I do realize the import of what is at stake here, but I also know that I'm more than capable of handling it."

He looked at me scrutinizing then said, "I don't know what's changed about you, but I sure like this new you."

"Same here bro, same here."

"I can't believe I'm going to say this but I'm rooting for you, my friend. God knows we could use some excitement right now."

"Thank you. And you have to do something about Lisa," I advised.

He glared at me. But when he saw I wasn't going to flinch, he started another round of talk. "Dude, you can't believe this new awesome game I just downloaded. It will blow the pants off you bottom."

And just like that, I was sucked back into the world of the nerds. It didn't bother me much. I liked nerd as much as liked the new me. I was so enraptured in what Jer was saying that it seemed like a short time before the bell for next period rang. I was going to make sure that I get my hands on that game.

The rest of the day went by without much excitement, that is, as much excitement as was caused by my declaration of intent on Melanie. Some students still gave me the eye, especially the guys, no doubt asking what possessed me to do what I did, but I paid them little mind.

I'd been warned that some people were going to take offence at what I did, and I'd been prepared for that. So, their not-so-subtle gazing wasn't doing anything for me.

I rarely saw Melanie all through the rest of the school day which was rare. Our high school while it was big, was not that big that I wouldn't see her throughout the school day. It seemed she was either avoiding me or she had skipped school completely. It didn't bother me much. I still had to come up with a plan to make her go out with me.

"So, how did it go?" mom asked as soon as I entered our house.

"Geez mom, thanks for showing that much interest in my academic career," I sarcastically replied.

"So?" she asked, completely ignoring my quip.

I sighed. There was no getting out of this. At least I had some good news to share. "The enemy has been engaged and the battle line drawn," I replied in my best imitation of a military voice.

"Yeh!!!" mom exclaimed as she came and hugged me. If I didn't know, I'd say that mom was living vicariously through me.

"Thanks mom for showing this much interest in my love life," I said as I hugged her back.

She hit me lightly on the chest. "Stop being a smart ass and tell me everything."

Mom was already moving towards the kitchen where she was preparing dinner.

"Any chance of taking a rain check on that?" I asked. "I wouldn't want to describe what happened again," I finished as I followed her to the kitchen.

She looked up from what she was doing and fixed me with a withering glare. "Or not," I found myself saying as I dropped my school bag. "What can I help with?" I asked thinking that it would be better helping with dinner while giving her the download.

"Start talking and start chopping those veggies," she instructed.

"Yes ma'am," I saluted and did as the General instructed.

I told her everything that happened that day from the moment I first stepped into the school. I told her how nervous I was and how I was able to talk to Melanie without biting off my tongue. I told her everything which is why you can't find much description of my day here because if you need more info, you could always ask my mom.

Dinner was almost burnt but dad did not mind when mom explained that it was my fault for telling her about how I was going to woo my soul mate. Dad believed her and as a punishment, I had to tell the whole story again.

I only got out of the punishment when I told them that I had to call Grand Pa before he went to bed.

I went and dialed my Grand Pa. He answered on first ring.

"How's my favorite grandson doing?" Grand Pa greeted too cheerfully immediately he answered the phone.

I grimaced. It was not going to be a short talk. "I'm your only grandson, at least as far as I can remember," I retorted.

He laughed into the phone. "Keep deceiving yourself until I die and you find that you have to share my estate with another grandchild," he joked which was a bad joke.

Since Grand Pa had cancer, we had to deal with the reality of his imminent death. So, it wasn't a good idea using death as joke, at least to me.

"I'd gladly give away all of my inheritance if it means you'd still be alive," I said with emotion.

He was quiet for a while, the full import of what I said sinking into his head.

"I'm sorry son," he apologized.

"It's okay. I know that you were only trying to joke around," I waved him off.

"So, did you go through with it?" he asked, a little too eager for my liking, making me believe that he must have been waiting by his phone for long.

"Geez Grand Pa, I'm surprised you didn't call yourself," I said in mock hurt.

He laughed gaily, which was a good thing. "Well, you beat me by one second. And quit stalling. Did you do it?"

I sighed into the phone. "Yes..." I proceeded to tell him everything that happened. I left nothing out because I knew that he would demand that I explained more. Even at that, he still demanded that I explained something more.

"That's good, but do you have any plan as to how you're going to make her go on a date with you?" he asked.

"Hmmm, nothing definite, but something is brewing inside my head," I answered truthfully.

"That's good. You have a good head."

"At least, I got that from mom."

He laughed at my quip. "I wouldn't argue that. If it was my head you got on your shoulder, you'd show up in a Dodge and sweep her off her feet," he retorted.

We laughed at his remark. Grand Pa loved the Dodge, which was the same car he wooed Grand Ma in. According to legend, when Grand Ma saw him in that Dodge, it was a foregone conclusion that they were destined together.

"Anyhow, how are you holding up, Gramps?" I asked, knowing that the term was going to rile him up.

It failed to work as he got quiet. "It's not been easy," he confessed.

"I'm sorry, Grand Pa, I wish there was something I could do," I said wistfully.

"You're doing enough. Just don't start smoking and we will be fine," he admonished.

"Yes Sir," I replied military style.

"So, don't fail to keep me posted, and make sure you study very well. We can't have you throwing your future away because you're wooing some girl," he advised.

"Will do, Grand Pa," I promised. "And hang in there, Champ. I still need you."

"Will do, Kiddo," he retorted. "Take care of yourself."

"Alright. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he called back as we signed off.

I stood by the phone digesting all that we'd talked about. I couldn't fathom a world without Grand Pa in it. He seemed to have a way of livening up a place and he was the only one who could get me to do anything, at least something as crazy as talking to the most beautiful girl in school.

I smiled as I remembered what it felt like talking to Melanie without biting off my tongue. It was a great feeling, one I would like to repeat again. I felt giddy as I remembered that I was going to see her tomorrow. All of a sudden, it was as if time couldn't move faster. If that's what love is, then I'd be happy to feel like this all my life.

I went up to my room after calling goodnight to my parents as they were cozied up in the sitting room, the lights dimmed with the music playing. Mom had her head on dad's shoulder as they both listened to the song that was playing. It was a beautiful sight. It was a heart-warming sight.

I had a vision, one where the picture was the same but the people in it were different. Where dad sat, I saw myself, albeit older and in mom's place was Melanie, also albeit older. I wondered what it would be like us listening to some classical music on the player while our child was standing on the background watching us, imagining what it would be like for him.