Chapter 1: Job Description

I think this is called setting the scene. My name is Colin, and my job is installing water-softening equipment in people's homes. Exciting, right? It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

Listen, I have to tell you about the job, it's central, pivotal even, to the theme of the entire story, a story which is so weird that if you had told me beforehand that it would happen, I would have suggested that you take more water with it. Soft water, of course. That's a typical example of a water-softener installer's joke. Which is a pretty good reason to make a point of not seeking out water-softener installers to see if they have had a similar experience to mine. And if any water-softener installers are reading this, and they have had a similar experience, they would be well advised to keep it to themselves.

I first hit the little town of Skingsley in the Spring, a couple of years ago. It's probably not worth looking up Skingsley in your road atlas, by the way, I changed the name to protect the innocent. It was - and by now is again - a quiet place, about ten miles from the nearest industrial city, which is where most of the inhabitants work. The sort of place where you sometimes tend to find husbands out at work during the day time, with any luck.

I checked into the local hotel for three weeks. The way we usually work, a hard-water area has been targeted by sales staff, and we installers are given a number of leads which amount to virtually certain sales. All we have to do is turn up, put on a courteous and sincere manner, answer all the right questions with the right answers, and fit the device in the lady's kitchen.

The softener, for collectors of such information, is a unique design of electro-chemical recirculatory catalytic water softener. I am forbidden to give more information than that to the general public, and I am certain you would not want me to. You want one? Look in the Yellow Pages.

The installation job takes between one and two hours, and we usually make a return visit after a day or so, to check that everything is satisfactory. Hence the idea of booking into the hotel for a few weeks. It has been known for some installers to find other accommodation, but the management of the company would prefer not to know about any such private domestic arrangements.

Okay? You could probably do the job yourself now: you know as much as I did when I joined the company two years ago.

Skingsley on a wet Monday afternoon is not likely to find its way into many guide books. I had two calls to make, my first two after arriving in the town that morning. The first job in a new location often seems to set the tone for the whole of one's stay. This one certainly did!

The customer's name was down on my job sheet as Woods. Usually that's all the information I get, a surname. I parked the van outside a neat little house with a white fence and a freshly-painted front door. The number 33 and the name 'Woods' on a small plate beside the door bell told me I had the right place. (We're taught to look out for little things like that.)

The bell echoed inside the house somewhere. I rang again. Still nothing. Not what we call, in the trade, a Good Start. Then I heard a noise from inside, and the door was opened. A small blonde woman was holding the door with one hand, a phone in the other.

"Sorry", she said in a soft, quiet voice, "I'm on the phone, would you mind waiting..."

Sure, I thought, not at all, and gave a little wave which might have meant Okay. She carried on for a couple more minutes, then put the phone down and came back to the door, full of apologies.

"The phone always rings at the wrong time..."

"Always! Mrs Woods?" I asked, adopting my standard courteous and sincere expression. She said she was.

"ACME Watersoftener Company", I said. Now, before we go any further, the company is not called the ACME anything. Surely, no company is, nowadays. I have changed the name etc, etc. Carry on.

"Oooh good", she cried. Some people can get very excited about a water softener. Sometimes I can be one of them. Mrs Woods was obviously another. "Ms Woods."