Chapter 1: Summer Camp

I've been stuck in this apartment for so long the walls have closed in and the mind has closed down. It's gotten to the point where I've convinced myself that I don't want to go out, even to the store to pick up groceries. I'm logical minded enough to know this isn't good sign at all and I'm going to have to force myself up and out if I wanted to break the depressions hold on me. The question was how and when? Not today. Not now. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. I'll just...

The phone rang. I looked at it. I just waited. It would stop. sigh or not. I picked it up on the fifth shrill ring.

"Hello?" I didn't even care enough to mask the irritation at the intrusion into my little world.

"Kat! How you been?", the much too cheerful voice greeted. "I got your number when I called your mom's place. She said I should give you a call."

"Cleo?" I frowned in puzzlement. Why was mom giving out my number? More importantly, why was Cleo calling after a year? We were childhood friends and very close. I remembered she'd gotten a new job and we grew apart. It didn't bother me at all because right about then I had my own life blow up in my face.

"I knew you'd remember me! How could you forget me right? I'm unforgettable!" That was certainly true.

"Look Cleo, I'm really not in the..." I began.

"I know I know. I heard. You know how the grape vine around here is." I sighed again as her voice cut me off and continued. "And your mom told me you've barricaded yourself in that closet you call an apartment and are shutting down." I rolled my eyes and started to cut in, but was forestalled. "I've got just the thing."

Cleo chattered on while I looked around my apartment. It was small and getting smaller these days. I hadn't removed the past but left it laying around taking up space as reminders of pain and betrayal. Some of it packed in cardboard boxes. It didn't matter, I knew what it contained. I wasn't sure why I wanted to reminders, perhaps to wallow in the pain more? To help keep me in this fog so I didn't have to live to...

"Kat, are you listening?" Cleo burst loudly into my thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah ... something about a pool?" I guessed, latching onto the one word I had heard.

"Ugh. Yeah. A pool. Come on, say you'll come. You don't need anything besides your suit, a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I'll take care of everything else ok?"

"Wait, what? huh? Maybe I wasn't listening."

"Ha! I didn't think you were. I'm not going over it all again. Just say you'll come. You've got to get out of that place for a while and this will be some good sunshine for you." Cleo fell silent, waiting.

Sunshine? I remembered that, didn't I? It came from a big yellow ball in the sky. Well ok. If I had a chance at all of going on I'd best stand up and take it. What the hell.

"Ok." I mumbled.

"Ok? What? Really? No! don't answer that. I'll pick you up Friday at three. Just bring whatever you have on that day and your toiletries. Oh and don't forget your suit!" Cleo finished in a rush, afraid I'd change my mind I guess and she hung up.

Sighing, I rearranged my blanket and resumed finishing off the last of the nachos as Scarlet O'Hara ran to greet her father's return from Twelve Oaks. Friday? What was today? I picked up the remote and pushed the "info" button. "Gone with the Wind" Wednesday 12:00 Noon. Oh, Ok good. I settled back down to watch the Civil War play out on my TV, and frankly didn't give a damn.

Friday dawned gray dismal and raining. Perfect I thought.

"What had she said?" I mumbled to myself irritated not only at me for not remembering, but also at her because she gave me a task to remember in the first place.

I'd taken shower, brushed my hair cursing it's length and lack of style, and began to toss together the bag of requirements.

"Lets see, Pills, both birth control and anti depressants," I snorted at both but packed them anyway, " ... change of underwear, fresh bra, extra T-shirt. Make up. What else?" I looked around trying to think. "A Pool. Ah yes." I moved to the bottom draw of the dresser and dug out the suit. I looked at it. Then looked myself in the critical eye from the mirror on the dresser. I shook my head at what I saw. They eyes looking back at me were circled in dark blue/purple, the face was rounder and cheeks more plump and very pale. "ugh. I've gained weight." I said to the soundless room. With a long drawn out sigh I decided to try on the suit first.

I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize who looked back. I stood with the shoulders slumped down and the belly now rounded, thicker thighs and the breast size had increased as well. The suit was stretched to the max! But still serviceable. Hell. It would have to do. I thought as I stood with my back straightened and my tummy sucked in. I turned my back on the image in the mirror with the purpose of blocking out the sight of myself, as I stripped down and threw the suit in the small overnight bag I was taking. Fuck it.

At 3:30 Cleo was there. I didn't bother to ask how she knew where. I figured my mother had struck again. She greeted me with a hug and a smile.

"You're ready!" Cleo kept her eyes locked on mine, trying not to look around at the apartment, which was still full of packed and semi packed boxes.

"Of course I am, I told you I would be." I forced a smile. I was going to make an effort damn it. Even if it killed me. "lets go."

In the car Cleo chattered on about things from the past, long past. Safe subjects.

"Remember when we would tan on the front lawn as the constructions guys were building that house next to yours? We thought we were soooo sexy! When really, we were just scrawny little knocked kneed brats! Then there was that time when you..."

"Really Cleo, I'd rather hear about what's going on now, what are we doing, and for that matter, where are we going?" I didn't care to think about the past at all. Current past, long past, or even the Civil War past for that matter, I thought to myself in a weak attempt at humor.

"Oh." Cleo dropped the phony smile and became more real. "I'm sorry Kat. I just don't know what to say or how to..."

"Look Cleo, what happened is done. I can't change it. That I've had to accept for myself. I think I have. But that's all I've done. Accepted it. I haven't begun to live a new life yet. I'm kinda stuck. I don't know what to do now that he's gone. I feel like I don't even know how to get dressed anymore. So I don't." I glanced down at my too tight jeans and old T-shirt. "This is the first time I've attempted. I mean I've worn my PJ's to the store to restock the fridge, but that's it. I haven't gone anywhere or done anything it's all on hold. I've been depressed and the anti depression pills aren't working, or whatever they call 'em these days. When you called I'd just told myself I have to get out of the house and start living again. I didn't even really hear you on the phone. I don't know what you've been doing for the last year or so. God. Has it been that long already? Anyway. You threw me a lifeline and I took it. Let's not talk about the past any more for now and just lets take it one hour by hour ok?"

I looked at Cleo and fought to keep the tears that were always so close to the surface back. And she knew it.

"Ok Kat. I won't try to be ultra perky and I'll really try to understand and just go with the flow." She smiled and relaxed.

"Great." I smiled, a real genuine smile and realized as I did so that I relaxed as well.

"Ok ok. We're heading to a camping place that's not really a camping place." she smiled and continued. "It's in the woods, sorta, it's semi private. By that I mean," She glanced from the road to meet my eyes for a second, "Our cabins are completely private and the direct areas around the cabins are private. However the grounds themselves have an area for RV people, and regular campers. But they aren't public either, they're there with permission only. That said, there are a lot of woods that keep them from us and us from them. We can mingle in the more public areas but as a general rule..." she let her voice trail off indicating we'd be more private than not.

I nodded. She chattered on and I nodded when required. I noticed the sun was striving to make an appearance. I wondered who would win, the rain clouds or the sunlight. Time was running out. It should be dark in just a short while.

"I say not really camping because our cabins are fully loaded," she continued, "they're air conditioned of course, modern appliances and spa baths that have a shower to die for! We'll have full use of..." She continued on and I tried to listen but figured I'd see for myself and zoned out a bit.

An hour or so later we arrived. The place was at the base of mountains that were on the western side, we were driving in from the East Coast.

"Sure is far from home hey?" Cleo said as she hopped out of the car and began to gather bags.

"Hey! I thought you said I'd only need Jeans and a t-shirt!" I exclaimed looking at her bags.

"You do." She laughed. "However I never could pack light."

'Cabin' wasn't what I'd call the place. However someone tried to make it look like a cabin. We had to park behind it, as the narrow blue gravel road ran behind all the cabins, like someone had tried to hide the fact that roads existed. The place had huge windows on 3 sides. The cabin's look came from the faux wood finish around the windows and door. There was a wooden log railing surrounding the porch too. White pebbles were leading from the door and joined a path of the same pebbles leading to each cabin set about 40 yards apart or more. I looked down each direction of the path but couldn't see far, as it curved and bent with Cedar trees and blooming Cherry trees and in some places thick green hedges. The landscaping was beautiful. Walking inside I'd say it was as far from a cabin as one could get. The sectional sofa was white with pale green pillows. Hard wood floors were polished to a high shine and sheer green curtains wafted in the spring breeze coming from the open windows, allowing the early spring breeze inside. A huge fireplace was the focal point of the room. Off to the side was a fully modern stocked bar. In the other direction was the open kitchen which was fully modern and designed for someone who liked to cook with it's twin ovens, and kitchen island. The tall high cabinets were a polished Oak that complimented the floors. A wrought iron spiral stair case lead upstairs to the bedrooms.

"You take this one! Unpack and I'll meet ya downstairs in an hour" Cleo opened the door without looking in and promptly vanished down the hallway.

"An hour huh?" I muttered to the empty room. It would hardly take an hour to unpack.

My room was to be a pale yellow one. To encourage happy thoughts? The walls were so light it appeared almost white at first, but were indeed yellow. The sheers on the windows were yellow with a matching bedspread. A tall wardrobe and impressive oak dresser also occupied the room. I placed the clothes in the second drawer of the dresser. And merely dumped the remaining items in the first drawer without thought or care of organizing. I closed the windows in case the rain won, besides, the night air had turned downright cold.

"Well. I'm unpacked." I leaned my forehead on the cool glass.

Looking out I could see the tops of the trees, just starting to pop with bright greens. The sun hadn't won its battle over the rain, but hadn't given up yet. It was only bright enough that I could make out the few RV's parked a little ways off through the sparse branches. Lights were popping on like fireflies in the twilight. In a week or so more, as the trees filled out they would completely cover any sight of them and create the illusion of a deep forest.

Illusions. I thought, isn't that all there really is to life? What one sees is not what is actually there, yet we live with that illusion as if it were real. Is love an illusion? The love a mother feels for a child is real. And that child can feel it as well. Is that why we grow up always looking for love? Thinking we've found it with others when really it's only and illusion, yet we've had a taste of it as a child and are willing to live with that illusion because of that taste? Because looking forward and realizing love is really an illusion and we're doomed to spend life without it is too heartbreaking to think of? Or is it only a rare few that get blessed with the true thing. The fabled soul mate?

"Oh stop it!" I scolded myself out loud in the silent room. I stood up straight, squared my shoulders and walked out the door. I am going to have a good time and I'm going to enjoy myself even if I kill myself in the doing!!

The upstairs had three rooms and a huge shared bathroom. My room, Cleo's room and one more I hadn't seen. Shoulders still stiff I marched downstairs to check out what was in the fridge.

"Caught ya!" Cleo interjected when she flicked on the light switch sending bright light bouncing off of the walls.

"Yeah, guilty." I smiled. "Look, it's fully stocked! OJ, Milk, eggs..." I listed.

"Sure. Got a maid that comes with the joint too!" she winked. "Geeze, lets turn on some lights here." Cleo walked around flipping on switches. "Oh, by the way. There is no phone here. You'll have to use your cell. It's supposed to add to the rustic feel."

"Rustic?" I said gazing around the rooms.

It had indeed gotten dark fast. Spring was here but when the sun dipped down it didn't take long for the shadows to pour in. She walked from switch to switch illuminating the large space. She closed a few windows. I wasn't the only one feeling the Spring chill.

"Jake'll be here soon and..."

"Who?!"

"Oh? I didn't tell you?" Cleo tried and failed to pull off the innocent look.

"No ... you didn't 'tell' me. What's going on?" I faced her with my hands on my hips.

"Well Jake is the dude that owns all this. He'll be here to check us out and make sure we have everything we need. Really, he'll be no bother. And he's having guests stay with him as well. His cabin is down the path to the right." She gestured vaguely to the window by the back wall. "He's also celebrating his job deal closure thingie and is having a party this weekend. So tomorrow we'll be going shopping!"

"Cleo" I whined. "come on."

"Now now ... It's not like that. I was talking to your mom and she said you haven't bought so much as a pair of socks! And made me promise to take you shopping! As for the party, it's only a garden party thing and you can leave after an hour or so. I promise."

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the doorbell rang just then. No phone but a doorbell? I shook my head in wonder.

"Cleo. Damn."

"Katrina, please? come on girl. Smile." She begged and went to answer the door.

I recalled the vow I made up stairs and remembered to stand up straight and put on a false smile as I turned to the door myself.