Chapter 3

"So?" I looked at Josh. "What are we going to do?"

He didn't say anything, but only looked out the dirty window of the bus. We sat together, the same as always, but only because I'd followed him up the steps and into the seat. I didn't understand why he wouldn't talk to me and it hurt. I glanced over my shoulder to see Stacy sitting between Janey and Sandy, the two girls talking around her while my sister stared at me. When I caught her eye she gave me a curious look, arching her eyebrows and moving her lips silently.

"What?" she wondered and I could only sigh helplessly.

"Are we still friends?" I asked, whispering the words only as loud as I dared. There were some forty or fifty kids on that bus, mostly middle schoolers like Stacy, but some of them went to high school with Josh and me.

"I'm not a fag," he whispered back.

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say. Mostly I just wanted to puke.

The accusation in his voice was clear enough, like it had been my fault that I'd sucked his dick. He blamed me for letting him fuck me, although I hadn't let anybody do anything that fateful Halloween night. It had been up to me even less than him probably, but in truth neither of us could be blamed. Aside from being stupid and reckless for walking into a stranger's house and drinking beer, we had no responsibility for what those men had done to us and so we had no burden of guilt.

That was my argument anyway and I would have explained my feelings to Josh if I'd thought he might listen. Unfortunately, his cold attitude made me angry. I didn't want to feel bad about what we'd done. I'd spent all weekend thinking through it, figuring out my feelings and telling myself it was okay to feel good about having sex with other boys. Now Josh was sitting there unsmiling, not talking, treating me like a total stranger, and plainly trying to put all his problems on my shoulders.

"Fuck you," I breathed, and as soon as the words left my lips I really got mad. "I didn't do anything! It's not my fault!"

"Shut-up!" he hissed, glancing around as my voice got louder.

"You fucked me, remember?" I practically shouted, shoving his shoulder just to make sure he looked at me. "I didn't even get mad and now you're mad at me?"

"Stevie!" Josh's face had turned pale and his brown eyes were wide and frightened.

"You liked it when I sucked your dick," I reminded him. "You liar!"

"Be quiet!" He put his hand in my face, actually trying to cover my mouth with it.

"You jerk! Fuck you!" I yelled, slapping at his hand and jerking my head back. "I hate you!"

That's about the time the bus jerked to a stop and the sudden silence surprised me. Nobody said anything. All the kids just stared at us, like time had stopped completely, and for a moment I had the insane fear that we'd be stuck right then and there for all eternity.

"You two!" the driver said, turned around and half standing as he pointed a chubby finger at Josh and me. "Off the bus ... Now!"

"But I didn't do anything!" Josh protested before I could.

"You know the rules," the man said. "No fighting on the bus. Hurry up. I haven't got all day."

His name was Mr. Charlie, except that made him sound almost friendly and mostly the guy was an asshole. He had rules and we knew them, and he'd kicked students off his bus before. One guy, Jamie Stiles, couldn't even ride the bus anymore after getting caught smoking a cigarette in the back row. He'd been kicked off a bunch times before though, so probably that explained it. This was the first time Josh and I had ever gotten in trouble.

"Great!" Josh kicked the curb as the bus rumbled off without us. "You're such an idiot sometimes, Stevie."

"Me?" I stared at him. "You almost hit me in the nose!"

"I was trying to shut you up!"

"I don't have to shut up just cause you say so!"

"Yeah!" Josh snorted. "And now everybody knows you're a fag too."

"So are you!" I retorted.

"No I'm not," he said with a frown. "You're the one who did it."

"Where are you going?"

"Home," he replied. "Where do you think?"

"But we gotta go to school," I said, hugging my jacket around me against the wind. It was a cold, gray day and it would be raining soon. Everything seemed black and white; I can't remember any colors at all.

"After what you said?" Josh almost laughed. "Go ahead. I don't care..."

I watched him walk away, back down the street the way we'd come on the bus.

" ... but don't blame me when you get your ass kicked."

"What?"

"Nobody likes a fag, Stevie."

He took about a dozen steps and then stopped, looking over his shoulder at me.

"Are you coming or what? Jeeze! Stop crying!"

"I'm not crying," I lied, turning my face so he wouldn't see me wiping my wet eyes with the sleeve of my parka.

"You're such a girl," he said. "Why do all you fags gotta be pussies all the time?"

"Leave me alone."

"Come on," he sighed, lifting his arm with a half-hearted gesture. "It's gonna rain."

"I thought you didn't like me?"

"I never said that," Josh told me, rolling his eyes. "I never said anything, you just got mad at me."

"Cause you deserve it," I said. "You didn't even call me."

"Right!" He laughed, walking towards me again just so he could grab my sleeve. "Like what was I supposed to say?"

"I don't know," I answered, scowling down at my feet as he gave me a tug. "You didn't have to say anything."

"Now you really sound like a girl," he decided, shaking his head as we started walking together.

We didn't say anything for awhile, maybe two or three blocks as we walked through Meadow Park. Twenty years ago it had been nothing but wheat and cornfields, now thousands of people lived there. Except nobody was home. All the kids were at school, the moms working just as hard as the dads to make the mortgage on their first house. It started to rain just as Josh started across the street.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "Your house is that way."

I pointed to our right, into the new suburbia where Josh and his family lived in one of the multi-level houses. It was blue, the kind with the garage underneath the bedrooms. His house was only a few blocks away, but...

"Your house is right there," he said. "It's raining."

"But my mom's home," I reminded him.

"She's sleeping, right?" He kept going and I had to run just to catch up before a wave of traffic cut me off. There were stoplights at the larger intersections, but not where we were, just a faded crosswalk that most drivers didn't even notice.

"It's not a house either," I muttered. "If my mom catches us, I'm gonna be dead."

"Just blame me," Josh said. "That's what you always do anyway."

"I do not!" We started running as the sky broke open, the icy drizzle turning into a real downpour.

"See?" he huffed, grinning over his shoulder as we made for the apartments. "Good thing we didn't go to my house."

We were soaked. There's something about autumn rain that makes it extra wet or something, like it crawls under the collar and up the sleeves. Sweating didn't help either and my body had grown warm as we climbed the steps. I shivered outside my apartment, digging the key out of my pants and praying Mom had gone back to bed. Sometimes she liked to take a bath, but not always. Skipping school wouldn't bother her that much, my mom hadn't even finished 10th grade after getting pregnant with me; she just wouldn't be happy having someone in the house.

"We gotta be really quiet," I told Josh, but he already knew that.

"Hurry up," he whispered. "I'm freezing."

"This is so stupid," I sighed, opening the door and peering inside. Everything seemed quiet and normal.

We'd done this before though, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Like Josh might come over on a weekend and we'd hang out while my mom slept. He had kind of a thing for her, my best friend being no different from any of the other guys I knew. They all thought I had the hottest mom in the universe and I'd spent most of the last year or so listening to them talk about her. I didn't like it, but if I said anything they only teased me that much more. I'd learned early on that I had to ignore stuff like that and besides, I did have the hottest mom in the universe.

Predictably, Josh frowned at her closed bedroom door. He didn't have to say anything, the disappointment was obvious and I'm sure he'd been hoping for a glimpse of my mom sprawled out in her underwear or something.

"Shhhh..." I held my finger to my lips and Josh rolled his hazel eyes.

He closed the door behind him with a soft snick and I felt like jelly inside. We were really alone for the first time since Halloween. Not outside, but in a smallish bedroom, my bedroom, and the tension came out of nowhere. I hadn't expected it, although maybe I should have.

His wet black hair clung to his forehead and even then Josh still had an irrepressible cowlick at the very top of his head. He looked boyish and manly at the same time, pulling his jacket off his broad shoulders and letting it drip carelessly onto the floor. The t-shirt he wore beneath had a wet stain around the collar and he tugged at it with a finger. His jeans were soaked from the knees down and we'd left our shoes by the front door; he had a hole in his right sock with two of his middle toes poking out.

"You wanna, um ... borrow a t-shirt?" I asked, keeping my voice low.

"It's hot in here," he said with a shrug. "I'm okay."

"Yeah." I glanced at the old radiator underneath the window. They'd turned on the heat a week before and we couldn't turn it off, so we were either too hot or too cold.

I started taking off my clothes, feeling self-conscious and giving Josh my back as I pulled my damp t-shirt over my head. I'd never felt shy around him before and we'd gotten naked a bunch of times, like when we went swimming or whatever, but this time it was different. I'd had sex with Josh. I remembered everything and my heart went faster and faster, my knees practically wobbling as I popped the button on my jeans. I probably didn't have to get naked, and a little voice in my head told me to stop before Josh got angry or embarrassed, before I ruined everything. I'd made up my mind though.

"What are you doing?" he wondered, now leaning against the closed bedroom door.

"My clothes are all wet," I told him, glancing over my shoulder and praying I wouldn't fall down as I pulled my pants inside out.

I stepped on the denim and lifted my knees high, one at a time to get loose. Josh could see my pale thighs and small round butt through my briefs. I was almost naked and he didn't say anything, not even when I kicked my pants away and hooked my thumbs in my underwear. I pushed them down too, so that all I wore were my white socks. My dick wasn't hard or anything, I was too nervous for that, but my tummy quivered and the adrenaline made me shiver. I didn't know what I expected. Josh would see me naked and all of a sudden love me?

Maybe a real girl would know instinctively how to seduce a boy, but I didn't have a clue. I only knew that as angry with Josh as I'd been earlier, now I wanted him to like me again. I wanted him to treat me the way he had Friday night, meaning like a slutty girl who wouldn't say no to anything. Was he remembering the stuff we'd done? Did he look at my naked butt and remember fucking me? I swear, I felt a tiny prick of fire down there, a dull ache as if my rectum remembered losing my virginity to the boy. I watched his face as I turned around and if Josh so much as giggled at me, I knew I'd die of humiliation. If he laughed at me or teased me or got pissed off; like a million things could go wrong, and I'd never been so scared in my life.

Josh licked his lips, but he didn't even smile. His brown eyes darted away and then returned a second later. He looked so big and I felt so small. My blonde hair felt clumpy and I ran my fingers through it, trying to look sexy like those girls in the shampoo commercials on television. I wished I had tits, even small ones like Stacy's, but the only thing that jiggled as I shook out my hair was my cock and balls. I knew what I looked like, being small and white and smooth all over, I just didn't know if Josh liked me or not.