Selena Summit stormed into the bar with an angry expression on her face. She didn't have the appearance of one of the regular female visitors to the bar in the sense that she wasn't dressed to catch a man. Of course, it was a little early in the day for that kind of bar action. The mid-afternoon crowd tended to be alcoholic businessmen, under-employed contractors, and unemployed layabouts. Her angry appearance might have created a stir, but this particular afternoon the bar was empty except for the bartender.
Selena wasn't a fat woman although some might, if they were in a generous mood, say that she was rather stout. She wasn't a particularly attractive woman. In fact, she was rather plain although her size did produce a pair of substantial breasts. Her lack of make-up and dowdy clothes only emphasized her plainness.
Marching over to the bar, she shouted, "A white wine. Large!"
"What kind of white wine?" the bartender asked pleasantly. "We have..."
"I don't give a damn what kind you have, just make it large," she growled.
"Okay. One large white wine coming up," the bartender said while reaching over for the jug of white wine that served as the house wine.
He reached for a wine glass. Seeing the expression on her face, he pulled a water glass from the rack and filled it to the brim. Sliding it over the bar towards her, he said, "One large glass of white wine."
Growling at him, she picked up the glass, spilling a bit in the process, and took a substantial drink out of it. She stomped over to one of the tables pausing only to take another large swig of the wine on the way. The bartender shrugged his shoulders and returned to the mysterious activities that barkeeps worldwide use to fill the hours when bars are empty.
Guy Gasser shuffled into the bar looking like his dog had died and he was looking for the killer. It was a strange mixture of sadness and anger. Slightly balding, he was middle-aged and carried an extra ten pounds, most of it around his stomach. On most occasions people would have described him as having a friendly appearance, but on this particular occasion he looked like he wanted to rip someone's head off.
Even before reaching the bar, he said, "Scotch on the rocks with a glass of water on the side. Make it a double."
"Okay," the bartender said.
"Keep 'em coming until I can't stand," Guy said.
"You're the customer," the bartender said.
He made the drink and set it on the bar. Guy picked up the drink and drained half of it while the bartender filled a glass with water. He killed off the drink before the bartender even set the water glass on the bar.
The bartender said, "You might want to take it easy."
"Don't give me any shit. I'm not in the mood," Guy said.
A minute later, Guy was seated at a table across the room from Selena. She glared at him. He gave her the finger. Both took a drink and then glared at each other from across the room.
The bartender ambled over to the cash register where the phone was located. Storm clouds were gathering and he wasn't the type to wait for the last minute to search for an umbrella. He hadn't even reached the register when another customer entered the bar.
Cody Slonaker stiffly marched to the bar. His face was white. His features were tight. He gave the impression that he was a man on the verge of violence and was just looking for an excuse to unleash his rage at someone or something.
"Whiskey. Beer chaser."
"Coming right up," the bartender said. He glanced at the telephone thinking it was long past time to call in reenforcements.
The bartender poured the beer first and then the whiskey. Cody didn't wait for the whiskey to arrive before taking a long swill out of the glass of beer. When the whiskey appeared in front of him, he drank it back and then finished the beer.
The bartender nodded his head and refilled the order. Cody grabbed the drinks and headed over to an empty table. He choose one on the same side of the room as Guy. When Selena glared at him, he muttered, "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on."
Cody was barely settled into his seat when Max Boros entered the bar. His hands were clenched into fists so tight that his knuckles had turned white. He marched over to the bar as if hoping someone would get in his way.
"Okay," the bartender said. "What kind?"
"Right. One generic beer coming up," the bartender said.
Max grabbed his beer and drank it down. He ordered another. Once it had been served, he headed over to a table located near the one occupied by Selena. Selena glared at him. He glared back at her and took a seat.
The bartender looked around the room at his four customers. Positioned in the room like combatants stationed in the four corners of a wrestling ring, they were glaring at each other and mumbling over their respective drinks. All looked about ready to explode. Each was ready for a refill and none of them had been sitting there that long. In his long experience as a barman this did not forebode well. It was past time to call a friend on the local police force and ask him to drop by, preferably in uniform, for a little visit.
He had just reached the phone when two men wearing trench coats entered the bar. He recognized them immediately. The last time they had come into the bar they had left two hundred dollars richer. He had been left with a black eye and swollen lip.
"Oh shit," he muttered just as the shotguns appeared from under the trench coats.
It is a fact that a small spark in a fireworks factory will lead to explosive results of disastrous proportions. The appearance of two aggressive individuals in a bar filled with angry, slightly inebriated customers, has many of the same consequences. The gunmen, thinking that their shotguns would cow everyone into submission, were taken by surprise when that didn't turn out to be the case.
Selena, holding her purse in two hands (it was heavily packed with two cans of cat food, a library book, and an empty thermos), swung said purse at the head of one of the gunmen. She put her entire body into the motion. Max picked up a chair and swung it at the same gunman. Both purse and chair connected with the gunman at the same time. He dropped like a rock.
Cody and Guy both swung at the second gunman at the same time. Guy went for a kidney shot while Cody went for the jaw. The gunman, twisting at the time the punches were thrown, was off balance and fell to the floor. Although both blows had been slightly off target, Cody and Guy were not detered. They immediately started kicking the prostrate man.
Neither gunman had released their hold on their shotguns. In fact, they clung to their guns as if their lives depended upon it. As far as the law was concerned, unarmed people facing armed people had the right of as much force as necessary. For Selena, Max, Cody, and Guy, this was a good thing since it excused their subsequent actions.
Cody kept stomping on the hand holding the gun. He just kept it up until there was nothing left of the hand but a bloody mess. Meanwhile, Guy was busy kicking the downed man not particularly worried about where his foot was connecting. Guy slowly progressed to the point where he was just jumping up and down on the fallen gunman.
Across the room, Selena was busy trying to kick the gunman in the balls. He was curled into a fetal position that made access to that sensitive area difficult. It didn't stop her from trying. With a maniacal grin on his face, Max didn't care where his kicks were landing.
There was shouting involved in the attack although it was difficult to tell who was saying what. The moans, groans, and screams were obviously coming from the two gunmen. Curses, growls, and insults were coming from the four customers. Only a few full sentences reached the bartender with sufficient clarity to understand them.
"That'll teach you to pull a fuckin' shotgun on me!"
"Take that asshole!"
"You're just like every other fucking man!"
"Let go of that shotgun!"
"Fuck you mister bad ass!"
"I've been wanting to do this all day long."
The barman stared at the melee in total disbelief. He picked up the phone and dialed 911. When they finally answered, he said, "I'd like to report an attempted robbery. There's no need to rush. They aren't going anywhere."
Breathing heavily, Max finally stepped back to catch his breath. He said, "I needed that."
Selena, after one very satisfying kick more, stepped back and said, "That felt good."
Cody stopped kicking the man. Looking down at the battered mess, he said, "I wish it had been that bastard."
"I wish it had been her boyfriend," Guy said thinking that he had found someone who would understand his anger.
Just like that, as quickly as it had begun, the action had stopped. The two gunmen weren't moving. They weren't even groaning. They just lay on the floor like sacks of flour.
"I need a drink," Max said.
Selena shouted, "More drinks over here."
"Make 'em doubles. That was thirsty work," Cody shouted.
The bartender yelled back, "I'm on the phone with 911."
The four grabbed their near empty drinks and settled down at a common table. Each took a sip and then looked around the table.
"Well, that was a weird end to the worst day of my life," Max said.
Selena said, "I'm having the worst day ever."
"No way. My day has been the worst day ever in the history of mankind," Cody said.
"It can't beat mine," Max said. Leaning forward, he said, "Yesterday afternoon, I had the biggest sale of my life. I took my wife out to celebrate because the commission check is going to be huge. Guess what happened?"
"It got canceled?" Guy asked.
"No. I got laid off this morning," Max answered.
"That is pretty bad," Selena said. "I went home and found my boyfriend in bed with my former best friend."
"That hurts," Guy said. "I just came back from the doctor's office."
"Are you ill?" Selena asked.
"I've got gonorrhea," Guy answered. "The only one who could've given it to me is my wife."
Selena said, "Oh shit, I didn't even think about getting tested for STDs."
Cody sat back and said, "I'd love to have your problems. Mine has yours beat."
"What can be worse than finding that your wife of twenty years has given you a sexually transmitted disease?" Guy asked.
Cody answered, "Finding out that your precious little girl..."
His chin quivered. He said, "My little princess..."
He choked up and wiped his eyes. He said, "My darling innocent little girl..."
"My God man, did she die?" Max asked.
Selena was wondering if his daughter had been raped. That comment about innocent was pretty suggestive.
Cody answered, "She's a porn star on her own website."
"Fuck," Max said. "Go kick those two bastards over there a couple more times. You need it."
Damn," Selena said.
Guy said, "In my book, that is the definition of a bad day."
All four took a sip of their drinks.
Selena asked, "Does your wife know?"
"I don't think so. She'd be a mess if she knew," Cody said. "If I ever catch that sleazy asshole boyfriend of hers, he'll wish he was dead. I'm gonna do things to that boy's body that will make the Spanish Inquisition look tame."
"Where are our drinks?" Max shouted.
Selena looked over her shoulder and said, "The cops are here."
The police had been there for a while. Most of the time had been spent talking to the barman and watching the surveillance videos of the event. They had wanted to get as many facts as possible before talking to the foursome who had taken care of the situation. Needless to say, even the police were shocked and surprised by the outburst of violence that had been captured on tape.
Still somewhat incredulous at what they had watched on tape, the policemen kept glancing over at the foursome. They were chatting like they were at an afternoon tea. They looked like such normal people. None of them were overly muscular or aggressive looking. They were the kind of people who worked for a living and lived lives of quiet desperation like so many others in the community. Working for a paycheck, keeping a house, raising a family, and paying the bills constituted the majority of their efforts.
The two criminals were already on stretchers for the ride to the hospital. They were going to be there for quite a while. Their injuries were extensive and it was highly unlikely they would ever be able to resume their life of crime.
"Considering how our day has gone, I figure we'll be arrested," Max said in disgust.
Selena shouted, "Where are our drinks?"
Warily one of the policemen approached the table with a backup standing a few paces behind and off to the side.
"I think you four have had enough to drink," the policeman said. "I'd hate to have to arrest you on a public intoxication charge."
The bartender brought over a tray loaded with drinks. He figured after that little scene, they deserved them.
"I told you so. They're going to arrest us," Max said while grabbing his beer.
The officer rolled his eyes and said, "We're just going to ask you some questions about what happened."
"They pulled guns and we beat the shit out of them," Cody replied. "That's the short version."
Selena giggled. "The long version is that they came into the bar, pulled out their guns, and we kicked the holy crap out of them."
All four burst out in laughter giving proof to the folk wisdom that things seem a lot wittier when one is under the influence of alcohol than they are in reality. The foursome were feeling the consequences of their initial intake of drink. They found it hilarious.
"We need contact information and then we'll get you home," the policeman said.
The fact of the matter was that foursome had put an end to a major crime spree. The two suspects had a long history of robberies in the area. The police had not expected to catch the two men in this particular manner, but they were happy to have them in custody.
Guy reacted to the suggestion that he go home. "Home. Fuck home. Fuck all homes. Who needs homes? We can just live under bridges and fuck whoever and whatever we want."
"Oh shit," the officer mumbled. In a louder voice, he said, "Just give us your contact information."
It took a few minutes for everyone to give their contact information to the officer. While doing so, they also exchanged contact information with each other. The fight and the subsequent conversation about their individual problems had bound the four together.
Guy looked over at Selena. "Can I stay at your place? I've got nowhere else to go."
"So long as you keep your diseased cock away from me," Selena answered in brutal honesty.
"No problem," Guy said.
Selena smiled when a plan began to form in her head. She said, "You can help me chase off my asshole boyfriend."
"Do you want me to fuck your ex best friend?" Guy asked with a grin.
Cody said, "I bet she'd appreciate a good dose of the clap."
"Now that is the best suggestion I've heard all day," Selena answered trying hard not to laugh.
Max stood and then quickly sat back down in his chair. He was not used to drinking. His drinks had finally hit him full force. "I'm pissed and I mean that in both senses of the word."
"Same here," Cody said. "I've still got to talk to the wife about what our daughter has been doing. It's going to break her heart."
"I've got a cheating wife to deal with," Guy said. "I better be sober when I see her or I'll end up killing her."
"I've got to explain to my wife that I'm now an unemployed man," Max said. "I've got no idea how I'm going to do that."
"Bartender! Call us a taxi," Selena shouted. "We'll have another round while we're waiting for it."
The policeman said, "We'll take you home."
"Thank you officer!" Max said. He squinted his eyes. There were suddenly two officers who might have been twins standing in front of him. He corrected himself, "Officers."