The trappings of pride, and age.
I can feel my age within, churning, laughing as it teaches me my folly.
The last and first power is the same, death and birth.
When you are young you believe you own the world, as you die you find that the world owns you.
And your last question might just be, 'what good was I.'
This is mine answer.
As I look back to my younger years, the world indeed was my oyster.
I had at an early age realized where the trappings of true power laid, in money and influence, and I worked hard and unrepentantly to collect as much as I could. And the powers that be seemed to take an unholy delight in my struggle, showing me their shortcuts and manipulations at every nook and corner. At that time, as I still was young, just growing into my true power, I never considered my self in terms of mortality or moral.
No, it was sheer necessity that drove me, my necessity for power. As I saw it we were all actors on a stage, most of us without a clue, but for those few lucky ones having a vision everything was possible. And yet, as I now stand before that last miracle, staring my death in the face, and as my last vestiges of pride and presumption are lifted from my eyes, showing me its ignescent smoldering truth, I can only but realize that it all was a lie.
The unbearable truth is that I was scared.
Looking out at the world we have today, not dying as worlds go, but changing into something hostile to us still breathing oxygen, I finally find myself having to face, by every laborious breath I take, where mine, and yours choices have brought us. What once was Australia will soon enough become a desert, not even Bushmen able to survive there if it becomes worse. The oceans emptying of its former life, jellyfish taking the place of those species that once swum there, the polar bears soon to be gone except those remaining in our zoos.
So much land flooded and so many people dying, worsening by each year. And as we stood there once, on that brink of destruction, choosing between our own carers and the ones of our kids, I was one of those making sure that you would choose the right one. As a director and major stockowner I found myself directly and personally threatened by the growing demands of those of you fearing what's called Global Warming.
I learnt how to sell and buy souls at an early stage, having no problems with it. To me that was what life was about, and the sign saying 'The one dying the richest wins' made eminent sense to me. After all, I had sold my own too, several times, even going so far as doubting that I had had one to sell in the first place.
It is funny how subservient we are to power, there was no shortage of people ready to clean my boots in exchange for a promise or two. The real problem I had was finding the ones having enough courage to give me an independent evaluation, while still adhering to my ideals. Well, that was as I saw them. Ideals, shallow you say? No, not shallow at all, materialistic of course, but as I saw it guaranteeing you and, more importantly, me that continuance of stability and prosperity.
No, I was never into forcing people, and the simple truth was that I seldom needed too. There was already a surplus of people ready to gauge and fulfill my slightest wish, even before I knew it myself. And the way I traveled and lived made me well fortified against those not adapting to my principles, buffering me from their limitation of vision.
There was a great joy to be found in my ability to manipulate. Even when young I knew how to bend people to my wishes, making me money using sex as my first honey trap, that and drugs. It was all too easy once I learnt how. At the age of eighteen I was a well built guy a little over six feet, with a reputation for fixing really good parties, with everyone wanting to come.
When I saw someone I thought to suit my needs I made sure to invite them, and as I only choose younger kids it was easy to impress them. It's a wonder what a little pill can do combined with some booze, they become like putty in my hands, and I never really needed to blackmail them either. I just sort of led them down the stairs, making sure to take it in easy seductive steps. And as they after a while lost their reluctance, leaving most to think that it was of their own free choice too.
Yes, I did take photos but without threatening them. On the other hand, them knowing of their existence were more than sufficient to keep them in line. And I only let them see the more innocent, telling them that the 'real ones' only was for my own eyes, it was fun to see them twitch and squirm as I said that. That one I had learnt that from reading about the Nazis. They used to let people disappear, coming for them at that time when you sleep your heaviest, and then just make them go up in smoke without a trace, yeah, like some cheap magican, I think they used to call it 'night and fog'?
But it worked very well, keeping people scared and obedient. Like those guard at the stations of their death trains to Auschwitz, hanging people behind a screen, only allowing the prisoners to see their legs dance in the air. The threat becoming worse than the reality. The real fun was when I taught them to interact with each other, turning boys onto boys, girls onto girls and all mixes in between. After that it was easy to make them work for me, what limits they might have had before I had torn wide open, scattered to the winds.
I set it up as a 'call girl service' first, but as my business grew I diversified, I found that there were all strange sorts of twisted desires out there, and with the Internet helping me I had my shop open worldwide twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. No, I never turned out kids, not under fifteen at last. Not that I really cared, sex was sex and who was I to judge. It was more that the repercussions of it if going sour might become a little to final for me. But they were young enough for most tastes, those I had, making me shitloads of money if you will excuse my crude choice of words.
And I used the money wisely, I now had all sorts of contacts from all levels of society, it's amazing how adaptive people become when they consider what can happen if they aren't. Insider trades came my way frequently and the richer I got the more respectable people seemed to see me, and the easier it became to do business. That and that I never missed church, I went, timely as a clockwork, every Sunday, and always with that little extra for the collect, hell, if I had a better voice I would even had tried for the choir.
It was as a professor, guest lecturing, had explained, "As long as you attend church on Sunday nobody, and I do mean nobody, gives a shit what you do the other days', that instant stamp of respectability smacked right on my forehead. But there was a fast turnover of personnel in my line of work, drugs and booze taking its tool of my employees, making them old before their time.
I got to admit that I had no health plan fixed for them, but then again, it was their own choice to do drugs, right? I didn't force them. Still, I found ways to replace them, there were a lot of wayward youngsters needing that fast buck to survive, and I also became engaged in some light trading, especially from East Europe. As call services goes I like to think mine to have been a basically honest one, but I now think that it still maimed and, in some cases, killed the soul, not that I understood it then.
I know that I indirectly was responsible for at least three suicides that I knew of, destroying people's life's and innocence. But as I saw it, it was their own choice living and working as they did, and they did make a good living out of it. And if they had refused strongly enough I most probably would have let them go although I won't swear to it as, to my surprise, none ever did.
As I look back at myself then I can only see a great emptiness hovering where my conscience should have been, maybe my craving for money and power blinded me? And remembering makes me wonder again what I was those days, an innocent too, in some strange twisted way lying to myself? Or just a cold blooded pragmatist, using my tools, disregarding their humanity. I only know that I didn't see myself then as I do now. In a way we are very much what life make us, but, moulds are there to be broken, if you dare.
When I finally found the mob muscling in on my business I sold it to them, they were quite reasonable in their demands, with both sides treating it as a normal transaction. At that time I was already good for millions, and having invested them in companies like Microsoft and Apple quickly made my profit grow, exponentially. Going back to school I got myself a university degree in business administration, not that I needed it, but it created that extra layer of respectability making my 'legend', as they call it in the spy business, more or less watertight.
You would have had to research real good to find out anything about my former occupations after I was finished. From there I went to oil, oil and nature gas. I had gotten myself some real good East European contacts under the time I had my former business, and with Mikhail Gorbachev tearing down the communist walls and ideals, Russia was like the wild west, wide open for those of us with contacts and dollars.
So I and a Russian partner bought in on both oil and gas leases. And we made a 'loot' too. They gave industries away at that time, you just needed to know which hands to grease. As the times became more turbulent I found it for good to withdraw though, and sold it cheaply to my partner. Cheaply for him perhaps, but enough to place me amongst the filthy rich and best of all, having most of the money unknown to the IRS.
I invested those 'shady' money in all kinds of deals, buying and selling most everything that could turn a quick profit, from small arms to pornography, but always making sure that I had enough middlemen involved to keep my hands clean. And of course creating my own power company, you might have heard of us, 'Global power Inc'? We're still doing business and quite proud of it too, even though it now mostly is Alana's problem handling it. And the best part was that I could invest my shady money in it, buying stock from all over the world with money untraceable by the IRS. I owned that company lock, stock and barrel.
At some point, if you have enough invested, it is very hard to stop making money. And so I found it to be in my case too, I had more than I ever could spend, and after a while I stopped counting. As a good deal of the money still was more or less shady I kept my profile low, never finding myself compared to the superrich for which I was very thankful, and so it was at that time it all finally went down.
You could say that what happened was the start of my awakening.
My rebirth into humanity as it were, as well as my simultaneous beginning to an end.