Chapter 2: Living with pain

The next few months were horrendous. I worked as best I could but with only half a mind. Jas was the other half. The same questions kept asking themselves in my mind. Why? How? Who? No answers came. If Jas had phoned and told me what was going on, I could have perhaps born the pain. It would be cruel, but at least I would have known. Known enough to try and put it behind me and move on with my life. But not knowing meant that I couldn't. My imagination would fill in the blanks, and there were an awful lot of blanks. I spent hours driving around the streets of our town, searching for a glimpse of her. I sat in my car, two hundred yards from her parents house for hours on end. The possibility that she was there or would call on them was the hope that kept me there. All to little avail. I talked to a Private Detective, who seemed unwilling to take the case.

"Mr. Shelton, I could probably find her. But if, as you seem to think and the evidence suggests, she has left you for someone else, what good will that do you. That will not bring her back to you. If you go to see her, and she refuses to speak with you, there's nothing you can do. You can't force her to talk."

"But at least I will know. Can you find her?"

"I expect so." Then he quoted me his fees. I was astonished. I had a good job, but didn't earn enough to pay that sort of money. I left it that I would think about it and get back to him. With hindsight I understood that he quoted figures to deter me. He knew I would be wasting my money.

My interview with Andrew Sellors was amicable. Andrew owned the company I worked for and he took a patriarchal interest in all his employees. His father had been the Minister of a Calvinist Church in Scotland, and Andrew had been brought up with the ingrained principles of that congregation. He had been most understanding of my problem.

"Tim, there's little anyone, apart from Jas, can say or do to relieve your pain. Mike assures me that you have not been the cause of this break-up in any way. But I knew that. I like to think that when I employ someone I can tell what sort of person they are, and I knew that you were honest and straightforward. You would not break your vows. I cannot guess why Jas has left you, but if my instinct is right I am sure that she hasn't broken her vows either."

"Thank you, Andrew. I wish I could be as certain as you."

"Think on it, Laddie. You will get through this. Take your time and Pray. The Good Lord sees your pain, and he will take it away."

He was right on one point. The pain did ease over time. One thing that helped was selling the house. With no contact at all it was obvious after six months had passed that Jas was not coming back. Even though she had taken all her personal things, there was too much there to remind me of her. The sale went through quite quickly, and there was a bit of profit after the Mortgage had been repaid. I split the profit, and deposited half in a savings account. I was thinking sadly of the day when Jas would ask for a divorce. That was her money. My half of the profit was sufficient to put down a good deposit on a small flat. It was not as expensive to run as the house, so I actually got a good reduction in my out-goings. But that didn't cheer me, I would prefer to have Jas in my life.

The months rolled by. My personal problems gradually receded, although they never faded completely, but I was working as well as I have ever done, and the sales figures reflected that. One or two of the girls in the office showed a more friendly face than hitherto, but I was in no frame of mind to get involved with any woman, especially one who worked for the same company. Andrew would have taken a very dim view of that. Mike's secretary, Philippa helped a lot. Pippa, as she preferred to be called went out of her way to support me. When I moved into the flat, she wanted to see the place, and then made suggestions of how it should be furnished. With her guidance I chose colours for the curtains and carpets. She organised the curtains and I organised the carpets. Well working for a company that sold carpet helped a lot. Andrew went overboard and gave me a discount well beyond the normal staff discount, and one of my customers sent a good fitter to lay the cloth. (Carpet is called cloth in the trade, just another one of those British oddities.)

I still tried to find out where Jas was. Certain that her parents would know, I called then a few times. The reception from her mother was very cold. She probably did know where Jas was, but would not tell me. I was sure she wasn't at home with them, I had spent enough time sitting in a car just down the road from them, to have seen her, that is if she was not being kept prisoner. I hired a car to do this, understanding that she would recognise my company car, after all it had the company name on the side SFCD, (Sellors Floor Covering Distributors). Even so I never caught a glimpse of her, reinforcing my belief that she was living with another man. I believe I had exhausted the sources that could have given me a clue. Her friends wouldn't talk to me anymore, mutual friends would talk but with the proviso that I didn't mention or ask about her whereabouts. Without knowing why, I had been left in limbo. I was a prisoner of memories with no hope for a future.