Chapter 2

Eight Years Later, Ohio

I came home to my little bungalow and found a beautiful lady sitting on the patio. Rising, she appraised me, "Hi Tom, Christ you're still a hunk."

It took me a few moments to place her. When she saw me looking her over, she did a little pirouette, and smiled when the look of recognition crossed my face. "Hi yourself, Gail. It has been awhile, so come on in and we'll talk over what's new in your life."

The first question came from her as I poured fresh-made coffee. "So not married? People out here must be dumb or stupid or both. How come?"

"Just never could find a woman I could trust I guess. I'm pretty gun shy, so when a girl starts wanting commitment, she's gone. It's too bad, too, because I have gone out with some really nice women, so don't blame the people around here. How about you? You married?"

"Was, not anymore though. I definitely wasn't as selective as I should have been, so when it ended I even took my maiden name back. I look any propects over very closely now, so you don't have to worry about me."

"So what are you doing out here? I know I was easy enough to find as I never tried to hide from anyone."

"What am I doing out here? Can I wait awhile before I answer that. I will before I leave. How about taking me out to dinner? I'm hungry and there must be some place to eat in a city of this size."

"Sure, there is a nice little restaurant not far from here. Let me freshen up and change and I'll lead you to the most wonderful steak you have ever tasted."

Our meal was all that I said it would be and Gail was an animated conversationalist. It was the best evening I had in a long time and I attributed that to my guest. When we returned home I asked Gail to stay the night. She raised an eyebrow when I invited her and I smiled back at her. Think what she wanted to, but I had too much of one Simpson to get in bed with this one. It was a crime for she was exceptionally lovely.

Gail asked how I came to be here in this small city. I said that I stayed in Vermont awhile after my divorce, but got the urge to live someplace else. I floated my resume throughout the banking circles and picked this one for no particular reason. There is nothing noteworthy about the city, but the people are friendly. I was just looking for something where I could get my head and heart healed and I found it here, I guess.

"I was kind of messed up over the divorce and I let myself go. When I moved here I was ready to turn my life around, so I started going to a gym and limiting my alcohol intake. I bought this little house with only two bedrooms. I've concentrated on keeping away from being trapped by another designing woman again. That hasn't prevented me from dating though. I still have a few demons I am trying to slay, but basically I am happy with the way I live. What about you?"

"There is not much to tell about my life. You know I was going to school. I studied law and became one of those much maligned attorneys. I, like a damned fool, married a pretty boy lawyer and ended up divorced after I found out that he was tapping several of his clients. I got away before he was disbarred so I guess you can say it was a profitable transaction. For work, I teach a few courses at the community college and do a little pro bono at the court. It sounds as if my life is about as exciting as yours."

"It sounds like it, doesn't it?" I looked at the floor considering whether to ask the inevitable. The questions about the 'why' that Gail was here with me. I felt her answer was going to put me right back into the pain I had spent eight years trying to get rid of, but it had to be asked. "So, Gail why are you here? I hope Cindy doesn't want something more from me. She took enough. Does she know you are here?"

"Tom, you aren't going to like some of what I have to tell you and you aren't going to like Cindy any better either. She does know I am here, but she is at rope's end and you are her last resort." When Gail said this I started to shake my head as I didn't want to hear anymore.

"Damn it Tom, you listen to me! This is serious. You aren't blameless in all of this. I'm going to tell you all about it. In fact it is probably more your fault than Cindy's. You listen to me!"

Gail was angry. How could anyone blame me for what had happened to me so long ago. I guess Gail was going to tell me, though, and I gave in. "Okay tell me."

"It's about time, now shut up and listen. This isn't about Cindy or my brother. I don't know the right or wrong of how they got together and fell in love. They did and they are still in love, and it makes me happy.

"This is about your daughter, Aileen. Cindy, Steve and I have all tried to reach her. Cindy and Steve have lost her and I am losing her too. You are the only one that can possibly turn her around so she doesn't end up a druggy or pregnant or diseased or dead."

Gail had my attention now.

"Aileen was such a sweet little girl until she was about seven-years-old. She missed you terribly, of course, but she seemed to get over you being gone. Then one day when she was seven she said she saw her Daddy. He was in their old home and he waved to her from the attic window. Of course this wasn't true, because you weren't there. Cindy and Steve argued with her and told her she shouldn't make up stories, basically calling her a liar. Since that time she has been a brat--or worse.

"She is almost fourteen now and totally out of control. She has been a ward of the court twice already. Cindy and Steve got her back, but it won't be long until she is in serious trouble again. They won't be able to get her again and she will disappear into the system and be lost to all of us.

"Nobody can believe she remembers you, but she still talks about her lost Daddy even now. Christ, you left when she was only four and a half."

"Gail, Aileen didn't lie. She did see me when she was seven. I went back once just because I had to see her. I asked the people that bought my house if I could go up in the attic and look down on my little girl who had been taken from me. I just wanted to see her for a few minutes. She looked up at me and I waved and turned and walked away from the window. It hurt me so much I never went back."

Gail stared at me. "She really did see you? You waved and walked away?" I nodded. "God what a mess this is!" she said.

"Do you think that is what triggered the change in her behavior, Gail? God that means I am responsible for her unhappy life these last few years. Do you think there is any hope for her?"

"There is always hope. She is a beautiful girl, but she does everything to look the worst she can just to bug her mother. She is sassy and disrespectful to her family and the teachers at school. She has never indicated she has any love for Steve. She is so smart it is easy for her to pull everybody's chain."

"How do you fit into this? You must have your own life to live?"

"Well, I am a part-time juvenile advocate for the court and I sometimes work with Aileen. I have been her confidant on several occasions. I can't reveal what she said to me or what we have talked about. I do know that she is still looking for her long lost father.

"I've hesitated to look for you, fearing you may have gone downhill and I'd find you in the gutter somewhere. From what Cindy has told me about the breakup between you two, that could easily have happened. You know if it wasn't for my brother it would have happened to Cindy."

"How do you mean? What's wrong with her? She got everything she wanted."

"Yes she got everything she wanted and she also got a heavy load of guilt. A load that is almost too much to bear. And damn you, that is what you wanted, isn't it?"

"I suppose I did want her to feel guilty, but I didn't know that it would affect Aileen."

"I suppose you wanted my brother to feel guilty too, didn't you? He was your best friend for awhile. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Not when he takes your child away from you, it doesn't."

Gail was pretty exasperated at my reasoning as I could tell from her expressions. "Well, whatever. Are you going to see if we can save Aileen, or are you going to let her go? I honestly think it is in your hands and you are the only one to wake her up to what she is doing to herself."

"Yes, of course I'll try. I can leave my position here in capable hands for as long as it takes. When were you planning on going back to Vermont? I'll go with you."

This was what Gail wanted to hear. "I've got reservations for a return flight tomorrow. I knew I could count on you, so I made a reservation in your name too."

I was beginning to like the way this woman from my past was getting things done.

My night was about the same as it always was and had been for years. I would go to sleep and then in the middle of the night I would wake with that terrible lonely feeling. The only way for me to get any more rest at all was to put some songs on and eventually fall asleep again. The CD was one that I had made of the song, "I Think I'll Go Somewhere and Cry Myself to Sleep." It was the only song and it had twenty-one repeats on the CD.

It was two-eleven when I put it on and started it playing. Sometime before the eighty minutes were up and it shut off, my bedroom door opened and Gail crawled into my bed. She put her arm over me and snuggled down and I went into dreamless sleep.

She had coffee made when I woke in the morning. As she poured the coffee she asked, "What's with the song and the many repetitions? Do you play that every night?"

"Most nights I have to. It started the night I walked away from Cindy. I find that I have to pull my mood down into the lowest possible place and then I can go back to sleep. That song just gets me there the quickest. Lonesome is the name that I call my demon. I suppose it is a form of self flagellation and I hope someday it will go away. Let's not talk about it, okay?"

After coffee I contacted the people I work with. I called them at home and said that I had an urgent family matter to attend to and would be gone for an unknown length of time. I would be in contact though, and would keep them abreast of my plans as they developed.

Our flight landed in Hartford, CT, in the early evening. Gail had left her car at the airport and we were soon headed to Brattleboro.

An hour later we pulled off I-91at exit 2. Gail said her home was in the same section of Hillwinds as that of her brother. We drove by my old home and by Cindy and Steve's to a small house two driveways down.

Gail set about getting us an evening snack and then we sat down to decide what was the best way for me to meet Aileen. As confused and troubled as my daughter was, Gail thought that something dramatic was needed.

It was decided that I would visit the owners of my old home and ask if they would be kind enough to let me use their attic again. They were the same people I had asked eight years ago and as they were pleasant then, I had no reason to doubt that they would grant my request.

Gail was going to have Aileen in the backyard near the pool where I had observed her so long ago. She said she had often seen my daughter looking up at the attic window and no more would have to be done than have Aileen in the yard. The time was set for tomorrow after school.

She said sometimes she drove my daughter across town to school, so Gail called and offered to give her a ride to and from school tomorrow. Gail was apparently Aileen's only adult friend, and she was always pleased to have the chance to be with her.

I didn't sleep much that night, but it wasn't from loneliness. It was from extreme nervousness about tomorrow. Gail was nervous too, because when I was up for a drink of water, she asked me into her bedroom and we talked.

"When are you going to see Cindy and Steve? You know you aren't going to get rid of that demon you speak about until you sit down with them and talk it out.

"I have to warn you that Cindy has aged more then her years warrant, because I think her guilt has been that heavy. She is my sister-in-law and I do love her as much as I love my brother. Except for my brother, her life has been pretty bleak over Aileen.

"I love my brother because he held me together when our parents were killed. Cindy has been a burden on him and some of that is your fault. I want these people I love to at least look forward to a brighter future.

"I know you feel it is all about Aileen, but it is also about Cindy and Steve and you too, as well. You are the key to this unhappy mess. A whole bunch of forgiveness among all of you would settle a lot of it. Can you at least consider a little charity towards them?"

I said I would think about it as I returned to my room.

I was at the attic window when I saw Gail and Aileen emerge from the house next door. Gail sat Aileen down on a yard bench near the pool which was facing the end of the house where the attic window overlooked the two sitting there. I had not glimpsed Aileen for almost eight years. She was smaller than I imagined she would be, and was adorned in some outrageous statement clothes.

I couldn't hear what they were saying, and I assumed Gail and Aileen were talking about school events. Aileen's eyes slowly drifted across the end of the house and lifted to the window where I was sitting. Aileen stared, started to cry and then crumpled backwards into Gail's arms.

I rushed down the two flights of stairs and out along the pool fence to the entrance to the yard. I reached the two of them, just as Aileen was reviving from her faint. Gail stood and I replaced her on the bench, holding my little girl tightly in my arms.

When Aileen opened her eyes, I was there. "Daddy? Is it really you? You aren't going to leave me alone again are you? If you go away will you take me with you?"

"Yes, Sweety, it's me and I'm not going to leave you and if I do leave, you will go with me, or I won't go. I promise!"

"I know it is really you. Nobody ever called me Sweety but you. Hold me like you did when I was a baby, please?" Aileen crawled into my arms and I sat there rocking her. Eventually she whispered, "Mommy said Steve was my Dad, but I knew he wasn't and I knew you would come back for me someday and here you are. I'm so happy now. This is the happiest I've been in a long, long time." Aileen snuggled into my arms even further and her arms clutched me as tight as she could.

After awhile I asked Aileen if she really remembered me. "Yes I do. I've always remembered my daddy. I even saw you once, but no one would believe me. You should have come and got me years ago."

"I know Sweety, but sometimes grownups make mistakes and hurt somebody when they don't mean to. When I found out how unhappy you were, I came to see you. Your Aunt Gail was the one that told me you were unhappy so I came to see if I could help make you happier. Your Aunt Gail is pretty nice isn't she?"

"Yes she is. If I didn't have her I would have killed myself, but I have you now and I won't think about that anymore."

"How would you like to spend the summer with me if I can get your Mom's permission? School vacation starts in two weeks. Maybe we could travel some."

"I don't think they will, but will Mom and Steve let me go with you?"

"I don't know, but if you ask them they might. If they won't I will spend the summer right here near you and see you every day."

"They never let me do anything I want to. Can't you ask them?"

"I don't think your Mom and I are very good friends so it would be better if you asked. If I tell you what to say and how to say it and how to do it, I don't see how they can refuse to let you come with me."

"Okay tell me what to say. I want to know right now."

"You have to get ready first. Do you have a nice dress?" Aileen nodded. "Good! Go to your room and brush your hair and put your nice dress on. Do you have a very light pink lipstick?"

"Of course."

"Fine, put that on and do you have some low heels to go with the dress? If you do, put them on. When you have made yourself up as nice as you can, then you are almost ready to ask your Mom the question."

"This is like a game isn't it? Doing all these things like I was a grownup?"

"No Sweety, this isn't a game. You want something and I am showing you how to get it. To me this is serious business, because I want what you want and I want you with me. Do you understand?"

"I do, I guess. What should I say when I ask her?"

"First, you have to let your mother know that you are serious. So you stand proud and brave and walk up to her and say, "Mother I have an important question to ask you. My father is here and he would like to have me spend the summer with him. I would like to have your permission to go with him. May I please do that?"

"There are a few other things that will help. If Steve and your aunt are there, ignore them. This is because your business is totally with your mother. Now your mother might not want to answer right off and she will say something like, 'I'll have to think it over and will let you know.' Don't let her do this to you.

"You then say, 'My father is waiting because he is anxious to have me with him. Can't you please give me an answer now?'

"See, you are talking to her very seriously and she should give you an answer. Okay, if she won't give you an answer, you say, 'Would you like to discuss this with my father? He is available to talk to you now if you wish.'

"Can you remember all of that? And don't forget your Aunt Gail is right there behind you for moral support."

"I can do all of that. Now kiss me Daddy just for luck."

As soon as Aileen went into the house, Gail came out. "What's going on? Aileen just went into her room. Steve is here and he wants to come out and speak to you."

"No, have him stay in for a bit. I have given Aileen a chore to do. I wish you would go in too, and be there when she talks to Cindy as she needs the support. My little girl is a sweet thing isn't she? I will talk with both Cindy and Steve after, maybe later tonight. I will just sit out here until Aileen comes out again."

Aileen came tripping out almost an hour later, giggling and laughing, "I sure shocked Mom this time. You should have seen her face."

"Okay, good, but what did you find out? Do you have permission to stay with me this summer?"

"Yes I do. We had a long talk and Mom is happy for me and she said she was glad you came to find me. I sure did shock her though when she saw me acting so grown-up."

"I know you did, but remember the shock was just for the change in you. The question is, do you think she would have given her permission as quickly if you had gone in there in your gangsta clothes and outrageous makeup and told her you were going with me--or else? No way would she have done what you wanted. See there is a right way and a wrong way to get what you want. You just did this the grown-up way and it paid off. I'm so proud of you for being brave."

Aileen was all smiles. "Daddy can I make some phone calls? I want to tell my friends my long, lost daddy is home and is going to take me with him for the summer. No one ever believed me when I said I had a lost father."

Gail came out and sat down beside me. "Jesus Christ Tom, what are you, some kind of miracle worker? Aileen just went busting through the living room, grabbed Cindy and kissed her and hugged Steve. She has shown more affection in the last few minutes for them then I have ever seen. Steve said that was the first hug he ever received from her. They want you to stay for dinner tonight. Would you come in and see if you can reinstate some of the good feeling you lost years ago?"

"Okay, but only if you are there. You started all of this by coming after me and I'm as nervous as can be about meeting them after all this time."

I slowly followed Gail into the house that I had been absent from for eight years. Steve met me at the door and shook my hand. "It's good to see you Tom. It has been too long. Can I get you a beer?"

"A beer would be fine." I looked around while Steve went into the kitchen where I could see Gail and Cindy preparing dinner. Cindy had a large montage pasted on one wall of my little girl, starting when she was a little baby until the present. Cindy, busy, passing the doorway, saw me studying the pictures and gave me a half smile and a little hand flutter. She kept working. I knew she was trying to postpone the inevitable of facing me by staying in the kitchen until dinner.

Steve came back with the beer and handed it to me. We both took a sip before we started to speak at once. "God Tom, this is awkward for me. I've thought of you a million times and what I would say to you if we met again. Now that you are here I can't think of a thing to say. This has to be said though, it never was my intention to hurt you in any way. You were the best friend I ever had and I never found one that could compare to you. So--I'm sorry and I'm so sorry that we got split apart. I hope we can regain some of the friendship we once had."

"Thanks, Steve, that really means a lot to me. Now that I'm back in the picture, so to speak, maybe we can find a way to regain our friendship. I hope so because I've missed you too."

There was another awkward pause that was thankfully interrupted by Aileen when she burst out of her room down the hall. Spotting me in the room with Steve she came running up to me and gave me a hug, spilling my beer. "Oops, clumsy me, I did it again. Be right back." She ran into the kitchen returning with some paper towels and started wiping up. "I'm just so happy and excited, I've got my lost Daddy with me again. Call me Sweety. I love to hear you say it."

"Okay Sweety. Sweety-Sweety-Sweety. How's that? Enough?"

"No, never enough." She looked over at Steve and then whispered to me, "I guess I've given Steve a bad time. He really has been good to me. If you couldn't be married to Mom, I am glad he is. He always trys to be nice to me even when I'm being mean."

"Sweety, don't tell me, go tell Steve. I'm sure he would love to hear you say that to him."

Aileen skipped over and embraced Steve. "Steve I've been awful mean to you sometimes and if Daddy can't be married to Mom, I'm glad you have been my father. I'm sorry I'm so mean sometimes and I hope you will forgive me. I do love you, you know."

Cindy and Gail had come in to tell us it was time to eat and heard the declaration from Aileen about loving Steve. Cindy just stood there looking at her daughter not believing what she was hearing. So startled, she burst out with, "Aileen, you never told Steve you loved him before. Do you really love him or are you saying that to impress Tom?"

"You mean impress my Daddy?"

I could see that this sweet little girl could be damned sharp with her mother.

"Steve is my father and of course I love him and there have been a million times when I wanted to hug him, but sometimes you act so jealous when he is nice to me so I didn't dare."

This was a rebuke of the cruelest sort and it was made to make Cindy look bad in our eyes. Suddenly all eyes were on me. I looked at Aileen as neutral as I could. "Aileen would you pass me the mashed potatoes and while you are doing that, would you ask yourself if what you just said hurt your mother's feelings?" I put my hand out waiting for the dish with the potatoes.

Aileen's hand was shaking when the dish was passed. I had called her Aileen and not the "Sweety" she so always wanted to hear from me. We continued with our meal in silence until Aileen spoke, "Mom, I am so used to saying mean things to you. It is a bad habit and I will try to break it and I'm sorry I said that. I promise I will be better from now on."

This may have been the first apology that Cindy had ever heard from her daughter. I was seated by Aileen and I felt her hand steal its way into mine under the table. I squeezed it and shook it a little, letting her know that I very much approved of the promise she made to her mother.

Aileen and the two older women picked up the table. Now they really knew Aileen was trying to impress me. I just smiled when Gail looked at me and raised her eyebrows. That was a habit that I had seen Gail do several times. It made her look cute and friendly at the same time. Steve was telling me about what he still did at the warehouse and how much the job had evolved since we had last talked.

When the women finished in the kitchen, we all went into the living room. We all knew there was a lot to discuss, not just the past, Aileen's future as well, now that I had arrived on the scene. Cindy started the ball rolling by saying, "Tom, I'm glad you are here and not just for Aileen's sake either. It has bothered Steve and I that we have been estranged for so many years. Where would you like to start so we can fix this rift that has happened between us? That is what we all want, isn't it?"

"Of course I want to fix it. I think that it is going to take some time to talk out. I don't want to lay a whole lot of blame on you and by the same token I don't want to end up with it all either. Does Aileen know how we came to be married and the circumstances that brought about my leaving and Steve ending up being a father to her?"

"No I haven't told her as I think she is too young. I am going to tell her someday, though."

I didn't say anything for a minute. Then, "Well I disagree about that and I'll tell you why. I think she is mature beyond her years as she has demonstrated to me tonight. There are some things we have to tell her that are going to be extremely unpleasant for her to hear and for us to examine. We are all going to have to explore some unpleasant things and not all of it is to my benefit either. I think if we start telling just little bits and pieces, she will miss why we did certain things at any particular time. Wouldn't it be better to tell her all of it and she can question each of us separately later if she is confused?

"You and Steve have to work and Aileen has to go to school tomorrow. It's the last day of the week. Why don't we talk about it tomorrow night and discuss how things are going to work if she stays with me this summer? Am I still listed as her father or did Steve adopt her?"

"You are still listed as her father. Steve asked to adopt her, but you never returned the release. I sent it at the same time as the final divorce decree. In fact the only correspondence I've had from you was the letter and the check covering expenses. In the letter I sent with the official paperwork I asked you to contact me so I could explain and you totally ignored that too." Cindy's face told me she was getting angry. "The ring you threw at me was in there too. I took it out of the box so it would fit without making a big bump and sent it along."

I stared at her, unbelieving.

"Oh my God, you never got it did you? That is why you probably have hated me all these years haven't you? Oh I'm so sorry, Tom. God, I can't believe this happened." Tears were running down her face now and she came over and pulled me to my feet so she could hug me.

Steve came over and clasped my hand in both of his. "When we didn't hear from you, we thought you were just so pissed at us that you just shut us out. That is why we waited so long to ask Gail if she would find you. I'm so sorry, Tom--and all these years, too. What a waste!"

We tried to figure out what had happened and I intended to ask at the post office, but there was no chance in hell of finding anything after eight years.

Aileen was crying, I guess because her mother was. I wanted for us to lighten up a little so I said, "Hey Sweety I think we just got the shaft by the fickle finger of fate, and it has hurt you as much as it has us."

"I know, I got fucked!" Immediately she realized what she had said and who she had said it to. Her face got red and she covered her face with her hands, waiting for the ax to fall.

I looked at Steve and then at Gail and then at Cindy. I thought for a minute that Cindy was going to chastise her daughter, but when she saw us grinning she burst out laughing. Then we all did, because what my little girl had said was so true.

The only thing that we settled the rest of the night was for Cindy to get out her copy of the divorce decree and the custody assignment. I wanted to see if anything in it would change how I felt about Cindy and how she had treated me. Gail was going to look it over to see if it was all right for me to have Aileen with me when we crossed several state lines heading for Ohio.

It was soon time to go to bed. Gail had me ensconced in her spare room. Aileen wanted to be in the same house with me, so it was settled that Gail and she would sleep in the same bed. Aileen announced that she had done this before when she got mad at her mother. Slowly I was coming to realize how much of a problem Aileen had been to Cindy and Steve.

I slept well and all through the night. I had no need of my crutch that had seen me through my blue nights. I woke to someone kissing my cheek and then my forehead. I opened my eyes with Aileen only inches from my face, staring at me. Then she smiled, "I came in to make sure you were real and still here."