Chapter 1

I whispered, "What did she just say?"

While at work in my office for a medium-sized company, I liked to listen to a certain rock station in the morning. It had been my habit since the morning DJ started on that station. Some of my coworkers kidded me since I only listened to the radio during that show, saying that I had a thing for the female DJ. I would laugh it off telling them I'm happy with my wife, but they were right I did have a thing for that female DJ. That was because she was my wife. Not many people knew that. We didn't keep it a deep dark secret, but we didn't advertise it either. My wife used a different name when she was on the air.

She called herself Passing while in her DJ persona. She started out as Shannon Passing, Shannon being a popular female DJ name, but for some reason even she couldn't figure out, people started calling her Passing. She thought it was cool so she used just that name except when someone asked her full name. Her real name was Joanne.

We met right out of college. I was going back to finish a couple of units and she was meeting with friends still in collage. It turned out that we had graduated on the same night, in the same ceremony but we didn't know each other, so neither one of us noticed. I recalled that a couple of grads had received a large amount of cheering and one of them was she evidently. Her friends hadn't expected her to graduate in four years because she played around. She would have evening Frisbee games, midnight trips to play-yard swings and she went to the beach that was fifty miles away a few times. She had studied harder than they thought so she graduated on time even if she was toward the bottom of her class. I had taken business and law courses, graduating with a business degree in the top ten percent of my class. I didn't want to be a lawyer but I wanted to know as much as possible to help me get ahead. I learned later that her friends were surprised that we got together much less got married. I didn't have a lot of friends.

One or two of my closest friends weren't sure she would fit in with a corporate life style; other buddies thought it was cool I was dating a hot chick. I didn't like her being called that but there wasn't much I could do about it, especially when they were partially correct. I liked her from the beginning and I think she liked me, but I was truly hooked the first time I saw her in her modest bikini. I liked that she didn't wear the skimpy outfits some of her friends liked to wear, even though hers didn't quite cover up everything. In her bathing suit I could see the shape of her bosom and I knew I always would like looking at her. I hadn't been only a breast man before but I was after looking at her. It wasn't just her top that got me. Though her stomach was a little pouchy, over all she was great.

She caught me staring at her and said something about it not being polite to stare especially with stalkers running around. I blushed and apologized for staring. She said something about being on her guard against stalkers. I must have blanched because she changed her tone to a teasing one as she finished her statement by saying, "I really don't mind you staring. You're too serious and straight-laced to do anything bad."

I smiled in relief and mumbled something I wasn't sure about. Later I thought over what she said and even though the "serious and straight-laced" part bothered me the way she emphasized the word "you" gave me hope that she really liked me. Later we did get more serious and one night I let it slip how much I liked her in her bikini top.

She was surprised but smiled and said, "So you like my boobs?"

I nodded and she said "Good, but I hope you like the rest of me too."

I said, "I do."

She smiled again even bigger with that teasing look and said, "Ohhh, I like you saying I do."

I know I looked puzzled by the way she said it. It wasn't until later that I thought I figured out what she meant. I didn't know if she was just kidding or if there was a grain of truth in her teasing but I thought it was a good sign.

A little over 18 months later I did say "I do" while wearing a black tux and meant it with all my heart. I know that she liked me saying it by the way she said it when it came to her turn and the way she kissed me when we were pronounced man and wife. I was going to make it a peck but she grabbed hold of my head and kissed me long and hard. Some of my friends and family cheered while most of hers joined them.

While we were waiting for the limo to take us to the reception one of my buddies came up and said, "Whee, boy you do have a hot one. I'd love to see videos of the honeymoon."

I just stared at him and after seeing the look on my face he quickly added, "Oops, I mean, um, ah, that is ... you know what I mean."

I said, "Yeah I think I do."

We did have an exciting honeymoon, except for the last three days. It was good when we got back too for even though the first year had rough spots we got through it ok.

I put down the paper in my hand as I thought back, trying to reclaim whatever it was that had caught my attention. Her current partner had made some statement. The station management for some unknown reason kept switching the co-DJ who works with her. Sometimes they had a contest to allow the winner to co-DJ with her for a week, sometimes management placed one of the other DJs with her for a month, and at other times they placed an auditioning DJ with her.

This morning it was the evening guy who had worked with her a few times in the last few years. I was able to recall that he had said something about a study that recently came out that said a certain number, I completely missed the number, of married and living together couples have a quickie in the morning before getting up to get ready for work school etc. She said that she believed that for she had had one of those quickies last week.

It was that statement that had attracted my attention. Not so much that she would reveal on the air our sexual habits. She has made statements about our personal life before. She has admitted that we fight over money like most couples after her co- DJ read a story about such fights. As long as she doesn't go into intimate details I usually don't say anything. Recently though she has stopped mentioning her husband. She has never used my name, only called me her husband, but she had stopped even using that term. I thought it might have been her manager telling her not to say she was married for it added a bit of sexiness to the program if people thought she wasn't married. Now I wondered if that was true.

As I said it wasn't that she admitted to the quickie that got my attention it was the fact that I wasn't home last week. Uh oh, I thought, that didn't sound good. I kept listening closely to see if she would say anything else.

Close to the time for her to sign off a female caller also admitted to having a morning quickie last week. My wife said "Uhh" then paused before saying, "Did I say last week? I meant a month ago," another pause then, "It was last month that I had a quickie in the morning".

I thought seriously of calling up and disguising my voice to try to get more details but I wasn't sure if I could pull it off for that long. And her show was about over anyway.

I sat there leaning back in my seat. She had spoken the correction quickly. I don't know how many listeners would have caught it but that combined with that pause when the caller said she said a week ago, made me think.

As I thought certain recent scenes replayed themselves in my mind.

The words, "Oh no she's doing it again." slipped out of my mouth before I knew I was thinking them.

I felt like hitting the desk with my hand. Everything had come together in my mind. Things she said, how she said them, how she reacted when she was late, how she reacted to me being late, when she wanted sex etc. Included with all that were the lies she had told me. It made perfect sense now but at the time she told them I knew she was lying but it never occurred to me that this was the reason. It should have. All of these things added up to her having another affair.

She had had one two years ago that lasted for six weeks. I hadn't picked up on it immediately but at the time when I thought back on it, it was obvious when it started and later when she quit. I would have said something about it but I had no proof, nothing I could point to and say here's the evidence. So since she stopped I let it go. Eventually I forgot about it ... mostly that is. Every so often I would think about it and see if I could tell if she was having one again. I said I let it go but I was still angry and hurt over it.

This time I missed the signs completely. Of course the possibility existed that she never stopped her affair two years ago, she just got better at hiding it, but I really didn't think so. I decided that I was going to do something about it this time. I would get the hard evidence I needed.

At that time we had been married 13 years, and she had been a DJ for this station for fours years; she had worked two other stations for a total of seven years as a DJ.

Most of the time I didn't mind her working, the hours were short: five hours a day, five days a week. Sometimes she would have special parties to attend, or wedding receptions and other parties to host. I didn't particularly like some of the clothes she wore in public while in her DJ mode. She had one micro miniskirt and four minis. She used to have three micros but got rid of two because they made me feel uncomfortable. She also had four pair of shorts of various lengths and tightness. All were short, but she did get rid of her tightest and shorter shorts. Maybe she had gotten rid of them too late. I frowned at that thought. Was this affair just one in a series that I missed? Did she get her first seven-year-itch a little late and now a second one early? I didn't know. Part of me didn't care, but I wanted to know how many affairs she had had. A sudden thought came to my mind, how many one time flings had she had? Was this situation one of those flings? I didn't think so. Now that I was looking for them I could see, in my memory, the signs that she was having an affair. Of course it could be a series of one-night stands, but again I didn't think so. I could be wrong of course but I didn't think she had gone that far.

Which brought me back to this affair. As I thought again on what she said the only thing that kept me from hitting my desk as hard as I could was the fact my security would hear and come rushing in and I might end up breaking my hand. If she had had a morning quickie that meant she had slept with him the night before. I didn't know why that made it so much worse but it did.

I needed to find some solid evidence, and I thought of only one way to do that. I hated to do it but it was the only sure way. I needed to find a PI to follow her. After thinking about it for quite a few minutes I decided not to ask around for an honest PI. Too many people would be able to guess why I wanted one. So I looked in the phone book.

It took me a few days to find one I thought would likely be honest as well as good. I tried to hide my feelings but my wife knew me too well. After the third day, the same day I had made an appointment to see a PI, she asked me what was bothering me. I tried to say nothing but she whittled it out of me. Or that is she tried. I ended up lying to her and saying something at work wasn't going right. As an executive I have run into difficult problems or office politics many times so she was used to me being moody about work.

That day I took off early from work and drove to the PI's office. I had been very careful, looking over the telephone book and Internet ads of quite a few PIs. I even called up some to ask about rates. I figured that how the ads were laid out and how much the person charged could tell a lot about how honest and dependable he was. I found one that seemed to fit what I was looking for. I was a bit early but I didn't have to wait long. His secretary let me in just a minute or so after the time of my appointment.

I looked over his office as I walked in. I halfway expected something out of the hard-boiled, private dick movie: just for show and because it was expected if for no other reason. But this office looked very much like a lawyer's or even a Doctor's office.

We shook hands as we introduced ourselves. He immediately put me at ease. He explained what he would do and how he worked. He stated that he had done this many times. More then three times he found no evidence that the wife was having an affair; once though he found out that the wife was addicted to drugs.

I had heard that some PIs faked evidence of spousal wrong doing, so they would be well paid and so they rep would grow, therefore I decided I didn't want pictures or recordings. I told him that I wanted him to call me when he was sure my wife and lover were together. He had no problem with this except to warn me about physically harming either person. I wasn't planning to and I don't think I would be able to even if I felt like it, so there was no problem there.

I gave him a picture of my wife and told him where she would be etc., than I made arrangements for paying him and left.

A week later while I was at work he called. I was greatly disappointed that it was so soon. I was kinda hoping it would be a month or more before they would get together. The PI said they were at our house. That hit me hard too. I said to myself "not in our bed," but on the other hand where ever they were it would be bad when I walked in on them.

I told my boss there were some urgent personal matters I needed to attend to and then drove home. I drove faster then I usually drove because I wanted to make sure I got there before they were done, not to mention that I was angry.

I skidded to a stop and jumped out. I ran to the door and went in. I made a quick search of the downstairs even though I knew they wouldn't be there. However as I started up the stairs I began to feel, I don't know, unsure maybe. As I headed for the master bedroom - God I hoped they weren't in our bed even though it probably wouldn't be ours for much longer - the feeling increased. I hurried down the upstairs hallway, barely slowing as I went past two unused bedrooms. One door was open and it was easy to see no one was in that room. There were no noises coming from the second bedroom so I didn't even open the door. That left the master bedroom. I rushed to the door pausing for a second before entering our room. I steeled myself for what I thought I would see but as I went in, the bed was made and no one was on it. In fact as I looked around no one was in the room at all. For a moment I wondered if the PI had been wrong or if they were downstairs somewhere or in the backyard after all.

That was when I heard a splash and a groan. Of course, I thought, that was where they were. Two years ago my wife had talked me into buying a two person Jacuzzi bathtub. She thought it would be fun and romantic to use but after small handful of times we only used it together now and then. I wasn't sure if I liked it and I was too busy lately to want to take the time. As I listened to them splashing I wondered if she had convinced me to get it so she and her lover could use it. My second thought was this affair hadn't been going for that long but I could be wrong.

I took three steps toward the bathroom and stopped. I looked at our bed and wondered if it would become unmade in a while or if they would just have their fun in the bathroom. For a second as I thought about them using the bed I felt sick. I wasn't sure why but that would make it worse. It was our bed in our room - a place special to us to be together.

I would have to find out if they ever used the bed for that. I couldn't say the word even to myself, or any of the words for that activity.

I looked at the doorway leading to the bathroom, took another step toward it, then stopped again. It hit all at once. I couldn't do it. I did not want that image of her naked with another man in my mind. I stood for a moment trying to decide what to do. Finally, I turned and walked out of the bedroom and out of the house. I wanted to confront her but I couldn't do it, not while she was doing -that- with another man. I called myself a coward as I walked out of the house but I kept on going. I got in my car and drove off. I noticed the PI's car down the street and I wondered if he thought I had done something to them. I thought about telling him that they were okay but I kept driving. Once I got back to my office I had calmed down enough to call him. I explained that I had chickened out. He said that wasn't unusual. Some husbands just left because they couldn't face their wives. I told him I would do it next time and to keep me informed whenever they were together. He said he would.

It took longer then I expected for them to get together again. It was six weeks before the PI called. My wife knew something was up with me because I hadn't spent much time at home for the two weeks after I heard them in the bathroom. I just slept there, sometimes on the couch. I told my wife I had come in late and hadn't wanted to disturb her. I tried my best to hide it but enough of my emotions leaked out for her to know something wasn't right.

I gradually calmed down enough to sleep with her but we didn't have sex even when she tried to start it. I couldn't say anything about what I knew; I tried once and I just couldn't get the words out.

The second time I said no to sex, she stared at me as if she couldn't understand why. I don't know if she thought I was having an affair, or if I just wasn't interested in sex anymore or if I didn't love her anymore. My problem was that I still loved her. It broke my heart that she was finding sexual pleasure and maybe emotional support with another man.

I cursed myself for being a coward but it didn't help. When the day came that the PI called to say they were together in the house again I became determined. This time I would interrupt them. I sped home, parking in the driveway at an angle partially blocking the sidewalk. I ran inside and up the stairs, knowing where they would be. This time I strode into the bedroom with determination, but as I walked across the bedroom I heard the splashing again and a giggling. I knew that giggling and I knew what it meant, what he was getting ready to do to her.

My determination suddenly left me- all at once. I stood there feeling very tired. I moved over to the bed and sat down on the end. I promised myself a short rest before I left again without confronting them ... I started thinking about how I met her and our wedding, the honeymoon and the first few years. We were different. She was playful and I was serious. It was hard at first but I tried to be more spontaneous and she tried not to demand it from me. As time passed, I was promoted and spent more at work trying to be the best at what I did. She never seemed to grow up. That was why she loved being a DJ, I thought. She could horse around and get paid for it. She didn't keep her play at the radio station, though. Just two months ago I caught her playing with a super soaker with a couple of the neighbor kids. I was ashamed. Here was a thirty-six year old woman in a water fight. I wondered what the neighbors thought. I didn't say anything, but I think she knew I disapproved of it. I had told her a few times that she should be more serious and act grown up.

I next thought about a couple of neighbors who had gotten divorced, and my brother who almost had gotten one. They still might divorce but they were both trying to save their marriage. I guess I would be joining them soon. That thought hurt but I didn't have the gumption to think of anything else. I was just so tired and emotionally drained.

I must have sat there longer then I thought for suddenly I heard the two of them get out of the tub and heard the water start to drain. A second later I heard her footsteps come through the bathroom doorway.

She stopped and gasped then said,"Tony, what are you doing home?"

She said it louder than necessary, probably to make sure her lover would stay in the bathroom. She also sounded angry.

I turned to her and said, "I don't feel like working today."

She looked puzzled because I always worked no matter how I felt.

"Why not?" she asked still half-angry.

"I was just thinking about life and about friends who aren't here anymore." Two of our friends had died recently, one suddenly and the other after a long illness and I had heard that a friend from high school had been killed a few weeks ago.

"This isn't the place or the time for that type of thinking or ... or a sudden mid-life crisis."

She still sounded upset.

"I know. I'm sorry for disturbing your day to relax. I didn't mean to disturb you that's why I stayed in here."

She made an angry snort so I got up.

"I'll go now. I guess back to work, I ... I can rest and think there."

I walked out of the bedroom but my tone of voice must have registered. I had been speaking softer and slower then usual and my depression must have shown on my face.

When I was half way to the stairs she came hurrying out of the bedroom. "Are you okay?"

This time all the anger was gone, I could hear concern in her voice. I thought it was obvious that I wasn't but I didn't have the emotional strength to say that.

"I don't know. There have been too many people we know dying and too many divorced lately."

I finished with, "And too many jobs that lead nowhere."

I let her think all of this melancholiness was caused by a mid-life crisis. I still wasn't ready to confront her and I really had been thinking of those things while I had rested on the bed. I made sure that I didn't say anything that hinted that I was including our marriage in the ones that were ending.

"We should talk, but I have something to do first ... I have a special meeting at work I'm really supposed to be at soon. But I promise I will call you at work as soon as I can. We will talk then."

I just nodded and headed for the stairs. As I started down she ran to the top. I must say that she looked ravishing standing there naked, if she hadn't done what she did I might have decided to stay for awhile.

"I promise I will call as soon as I can."

I just nodded, went down the stairs and out of the house. I got in my car and drove away. She was going to call me at work but I wasn't going back there. Not today anyway. I didn't know where I was headed but it wasn't there.

I learned later that she did call work about twenty minutes after I drove away from the house. That was a lot less time then if she really had had a meeting at her job.

Of course they told her I had left early and hadn't been back. Some friends told me later she started calling around trying to find me but I hadn't called or visited any one so no one knew where I was. I stopped at a bar where I had been spending time. It was a place to kill time when I didn't feel like going home. It was a nice bar designed not to look like one. When I stopped there I would have just a mixed drink followed by whatever fruit juice was handy. I would drink both very slowly. That day I bought a whole bottle of whisky. The bartender said I could get one cheaper at a liquor store. I told him I didn't feel like taking the time to go so I didn't care how much it cost. He warned me about driving drunk; I said I wouldn't.

I kept that promise because I ended up just taking one drink from it. I drove for a while before ending up where my wife finally found me: a city park about an hour's drive from our house. I had driven to an area of the park not usually used that time of day and parked on the side of the road. I was sitting by a stream with my bare feet in the water. The stream was down a short embankment so I couldn't see the road. I heard her car drive up but I wasn't sure it was hers until I heard her park. Even then I wondered if it was a police officer checking on my car.

She never told me how she found me, but it may have been the GPS device in my car. I figured that after calling a many of our friends and driving to different locations she remembered my car had one. Some of our friends later asked what was up since she was sounding desperate by the end of the calls.

I listened to her footsteps as she got out of her car. She went to mine and stopped for a few seconds probably looking inside. She next ran to the embankment and called my name. I could hear the desperation in her voice even though she was trying to make it sound normal.

I finally answered her and she started down the rise.

I called to her, "You're right, taking time to sit with your feet in a stream is refreshing."

She stopped and as I looked at her she looked confused, like she hadn't expected that response. I decided to get up so I threw away a branch I had been making marks in the sand with.

She surprised me by shouting, "No, don't, we can talk, please..." as I picked the small branch up.

On the way home I realized that the stick had been short and bent and in the light of dusk she might have mistaken it for a gun. I wasn't sure if she thought I was going to shoot myself or her. At that moment I wasn't sure why she had said that. But whatever the reason she ran to me giving me a quick hug.

She said, "We need to get home and talk, whatever is wrong we can talk it out." I nodded and she continued, "Maybe your blood sugar is low, we need to get you home so you can eat some fruit."

I hadn't thought about it before she mentioned it but she might have had a point. After my last physical my doctor told me I was getting close to diabetes. I wasn't there yet and I may never get that far but it was something he wanted to keep an eye on I needed to watch my diet.

She wanted me to go with her, leaving my car, but I insisted I was okay enough to drive. I had driven there after all. She made me promise to drive very carefully and after making sure the bottle of whisky was in the trunk he let me drive off. She followed me all the way home.

On the way home I didn't blame her for being confused and concerned for she had never seen my act like this before. I had only seen myself act like this twice before. I wondered if the concern was fake, but I thought that was unfair; she had never faked any feelings before.

Once we got to my car she pointed out the bottle of whisky and insisted I put it in the trunk. I picked it up showing her it was still almost full. I told her I had had one drink only. She still insisted it go in the trunk. I wasn't sure if that was so any police officer who might stop wouldn't see it or if she were not convinced I wouldn't drink anymore. I put it in the trunk. As I did she again reassured me, even though I didn't need it, that everything would be better once we got home and I was able to eat the right type of food and where we could talk.

I was reassured that her concern seemed real. She really was worried about me. We made it home all right. Once we were in the kitchen, while she prepared some fruit for me, I sat down.

I said, "I have been thinking all this afternoon. I decided to quit my job and to move."

"We can discuss this later."

"No, I decided my job is going no where; it's too stifling. I can sell the house and use the money for a down payment on a small house in the town next to Pismo Beach. I could start an online consulting business, much like Jim did, and spend my mornings working via the internet with maybe a trip out of town every so often. In the afternoons, I could walk on the beach and enjoy life like you're always telling me to do."

"I don't like the beach."

I could tell she said that automatically, probably while wondering what to say.

I said, "I don't really expect you to be visiting all that often."

She turned to look at me for a moment as the implication of my words hit her. Her eyes got big and she stared at me in shock. I had never seen her react like that before.

Finally she said, "But ... but ... but why?"

Then the light went on in her eyes and the blood drained form her face.

"You know ... of course."

A pause then, "I feel like I could slap myself on the forehead. That is what this is all about. I should have realized it as soon as I saw you sitting on the bed. At first I thought you did know, but when you started to talk I thought - I hoped — that you hadn't figured out that I was in the tub with someone. You had me fooled."

"I wasn't faking it. I really was feeling melancholy but it was because of your affair not a mid life crisis that hit me all of a sudden."

She nodded and asked, "How long have you known?"

"Almost from the beginning I think. I'm not as stupid or as nonobservant as you think."

I said that last calmly, almost peacefully, but she violently shook her head no,

"You aren't stupid ... sometimes you aren't observant."

That was one of our on going arguments the past few months.

"But I never thought you were stupid."

"Maybe so, but as I said I've known about it for a couple of months. This time I knew something was up for months but it was a bit confusing. A comment you made on the radio made the light go off in my head."