Chapter 4

Are people anything but selfish? All the people I've met have tried to change me, my actions to the perspective they have of me. Even I'm no different. I'm trying to do the right thing as I find it. I don't know. I wish I didn't have to find these answers.

I went through with the divorce. I went for a 50-50 split. I donated as much money as I could over the next month. Rest I left to the government relief fund, I don't care what happens to it.

I moved to a motel, far from where I grew. Now was the time to stop pretending. I could never be the person I want to be. Nor the person the world wants me to be. I can't integrate into society. I can't follow the customary norms of normal behavior. I'm vulnerable to pain if I go back to the world. I don't know if I'll not hurt someone, if my instincts of survival take control.

29 years I've tried to play the game. No more. Natural death is still 30 odd years far. Accidental deaths are no more dependable. As I know, we doctors resuscitate if there is any hope of survival, even at the cost of breaking ribs, multiple wall trauma, irreversible brain injury...

I don't have a friend in all these years; I don't think I'll find one. I've paid the front desk for 3 days in advance. I've pushed thiopental bolus into my left wrist I've 15 seconds left in the conscious state I lived. I've calibrated the potassium drip. My mouth gag is in place, in any case. My legs are tied. I place a note in my right hand.

I smile one last time at the guy in the mirror.

I lie down watching the drops of potassium drip into the chamber. Thoughts are becoming blurry. Pain shoots along the vein. I'm restless, shivering, and delirious ... Head seems to explode, I fell nauseous, my gastric content reach larynx instead ... I can't breathe...

A smile tries to appear. I should have intubated myself ... Laryngospasm progresses as the heart rate decreases. I can see myself on a monitor, the T waves...

Damn mind, u r dying. Stop the thought. Thoughts which made u STUPID.

I regret for making an unknown human, who might sympathize, cry.

Don't feel.

If I knew a better choice, I 'd chose. But u know that;

I am stupid.