My wife thinks she loves me, but wants to continue her affair.
I guess I've always been one.
While my classmates in school could reason out why they had to study, chase a girl, kiss teacher's ass and emulate them or feign anger, disappointment in the RAT RACE we were in, I just observed. I never understood the game of love, seduction or sex people played. Both pretending to be a perfect example of humans they preferred and were never going to be, falling in LOVE, experiencing the beauty of the world, finding meaningful existence ... rarely found betrayal, scream to showcase the hurt,
I'm sorry, I never understood.
I never had any friends, Oh! But everyone knew me, I never found another human with whom I could stop pretending and pour out my feelings. I thought I was heterosexual, or the girls around were attractive than the boys, still I could not find a girl to like me, with or without the mask of the world.
My boredom taunted me every day, when you pass in the top of the class, you get admitted to medicine, become a skilled surgeon, all without a meaning, without my active interference...
Ever felt like being blown by the wind, taken to places, given a ride, but without wishing for it.
My parents chose her. She was to be the daughter they didn't conceive. She was the child they could share with, their dreams, ideas, gossip ... Told you I was stupid, never understood them either.
Marriage, I chose equality and honesty. Being the only person bringing money in, I shared it with her. She got an equal amount to spend on, had her room, and entertained her friends and guests hosted parties. I tried to give her love as thought, FREEDOM.
So, why am I pissed of that she wants him to fuck, whatever I did in bed, I knew I was not perfect, we pleasured each other, I tried to be considerate, often passionate, experimental often trying to give her desires. I never submitted or surrendered. Could never humiliate myself. She never asked for it.
Just when I thought I'd acquiesce, and make her the reason for my living, she chose him.
I could not feel wimp, vain. I knew I was better than some, and there were some better than him.
I never knew how we fared one on one.
I'm alone, and lonely.
I don't want her back, I'm not looking for companionship or sex either.
My restlessness lost its peace, I'm looking again, within me, and others, just to understand, WHY?
Why can't I be stupider?