Chapter 1

Dear Jethro,

If you're reading this, I'm gone. I've given Ducky strict orders to avoid telling you anything until it is too late. I never wanted your sympathy and needed you to treat me as you always did.

I have some confessions that I need to make. Perhaps I'm being cowardly by telling you this in a letter. You can discuss it with me when we meet again. And I have no doubt that we will. I've been thinking about the afterlife a lot since I was diagnosed.

You asked me if I was sick that day and I had to lie to you. I didn't want you to know for myriad reasons. First and foremost, I was pregnant. Am. For the moment. But I'll never be able to carry the baby to term. And Jethro, this isn't our first. In Paris, when I left you, I'd just miscarried.

This is so hard for me to tell you. I was much younger then and you were so sophisticated and in control. When I became pregnant, I thought you'd think I was trying to trap you. You seemed so bitter then, in your post-Diane frame of mind. I couldn't tie you down. So I ran away from the best thing I ever had.

I hadn't quite worked out what to do when I woke up beside you on the day I was to leave and it was simply done. It was over. Ducky was kind enough to look me over and consult with a physician in Paris. It was eleven weeks in, quite late for that sort of thing, but I suppose it was meant to be.

This is so much harder. I'm older and I can feel this baby inside me, Jethro. I know neither of us will live, and yet I can't terminate its life. How ironic that the day I removed the biggest threat to my family's memory was also the day you and I created life. I've even named him, silly little flight of fancy. Jasper Sheppard Gibbs. Your son. I can't even think that without crying, Jethro. And it is a boy, Ducky confirmed it.

I'm almost five months along and not showing a bit. You'll never suspect and I'm glad. You've had entirely too much heartbreak in your life. I dearly want to tell you, but I can't. It would be selfish. It is bad enough that I'm leaning on Ducky. I haven't any right to lean on you, Jethro.

Don't trust Vance. I have some information on him, copies in my safe deposit box and with Ducky. Jethro, he may try to take you down and I need you to be prepared for that. I didn't make the sacrifices I did all this time to have you risk or lose your career. But we have to bide our time, wait until he makes a move for the office.

Jethro, I wish we could have made it. I have never been in love with another man before or since you. You were the one for me. Thank you. I just wish I could have given you that family you've longed for all these years.

I'll be sure to spend some time with Shannon and Kelly and make sure they know what a fantastic man you are. And this little life inside me and I will always watch out for you.

I love you,

Jenny

Jethro Gibbs reread the letter for a second time, then a third time. Each time it made less sense than the first. How had he not known she was pregnant? He suspected she was dying, but pregnant as well? He took a drink straight from the bottle, no need to worry about cups when your intention was to get shit faced. Why leave dishes to do in the morning when he was hung over?

Jenny could have tipped him off that Vance was after him before this. Might have played his cards differently and not lost his team. As it was, Ziva was on a plane back to Tel Aviv, Tony was god knows where getting drunk himself and McGee was hopefully with Abby, taking care of her. It was going to be rough for her, losing Jenny and then the whole team in a matter of hours.

Carrying the letter with him, Jethro went upstairs leaving the pile of wood he had left over from his previous boat. He had started the evening taking inventory of what he'd need to really get started on The Jenny although, now it would be named the Jenny Jasper or some combination like that. He had to call Ducky, find out what Jen had for him, her own insurance policy it seemed. He'd get a hold of Franks too. Find out what he knew, and if it could be used in what ever move he made. It might be too late to save Ziva's position, but he could get the rest of his team back where they belonged.

The phone rang several times before he heard Ducky's voice on the other end. It sounded as if he weren't handling this well. The stress in his voice was a dead give away; it created an edge that sounded strange to his ears. "Duck, I got the letter from Jenny. Said to talk to you. I'm taking the bastard down and I need all the help I can get."

"Oh dear Jethro. I hated keeping that information from you. I'm so very sorry for all you've lost." Ducky swallowed a sip of cognac, looking at the printouts he had. "I have a great deal of paperwork for you, information that I was under orders not to get to you until she was gone or her job was in imminent danger. Even after Rene ... she instructed me not to turn it over it you unless she was permanently removed."

Ducky sighed. "Jethro, have you any idea why they wouldn't let us process her body? I made some inquiries and the autopsy documents have been sealed. Even Abby and McGee can't locate the information. I don't like the sound of this. Are they going to set her up in absentia for Rene's death?"

"Don't know Duck, but I won't let it happen. The bastard may have taken her job, but he's not going to ruin her memory. I fought to prevent how it all went down in the end. Should have fought the Secant harder, the woman died a hero protecting her partner, and they make it into a helpless woman dying in a fire."

The whole situation left a bad taste in his mouth, but he hadn't been able to do a damn thing. He was in a worse position now, not able to use his team, who he trusted with his life, to get to the bottom of this. New people, even if one of them was Jardin, weren't going to do the dirty work he needed. "I'm going to need what you can give me as far as information. Then as a friend, I'm asking you to take a little time off. I'm going to suggest the same thing to Abby. I don't want any more collateral damage if I can prevent it. It's going to come down to him or me, and right now I'm not sure that it's going to be me. I'll damn well try to make sure of it though."

"Jethro, I can officially take time off, but I will help you as much as I can. Jennifer may not have always done the best thing or taken the safest course of action but she was a hero. You remember that I was peripherally there in Paris with all of you."

Ducky swallowed hard. "I shall take eight weeks off, to see to Mother. Would that suffice do you think, my dear? And I must ask this. Did you see her body? Did she ... appear to have suffered?"

"I didn't see her. They'd already removed the bodies by time I got there. Tony found her, and he said she was gone by time he got there. I've got no reason to doubt him. But I can only hope that she didn't suffer. I wouldn't want that for her."

"None of us would, dear boy." Ducky looked at the papers and then at his guests. "I'll prepare my paperwork, dear boy, and get news to Abigail. Is there anything else you need? I'll be glad to give you copies of Jenny's medical records and prenatal tests."

"Medical records. I don't think I can handle any of the pre-natal tests right now, Duck. Hold them for me, will you?" He had to be able to mourn Jenny first before even thinking about the fact that she was pregnant with his child. "And all the Intel you can find on Vance that you don't already have. You have friends in high places; I'm going to need all of them. Pull in favors if you have to, but I need everything."

"You will have any favors and connections I have, Jethro. Her death will not be in vain. Comfort yourself with the fact that she went out the way she wanted to, Jethro. She didn't have to waste away..." Ducky sighed, blinking back tears, leaning against the gentle hands of support he had nearby.

"I'm so sorry, my dear boy. You must tell me if I'm speaking out of turn."

"Thanks, Duck. I know you're going to miss her too. And knowing what you knew, maybe this was better." He said the words, but there was nothing behind them. He knew that if Jen had to die, in a blaze of glory would be how she chose. Dying in a hospital bed with everyone around to watch her wither away wouldn't be her choice. "I appreciate the honest words, doesn't make them easier to hear, but I know some day the truth will help."

"I'll refrain ... unless you want to know, of course and then I'll rely on you to ask, Jethro. I'm sorry." Ducky stayed quiet, not wanting to twist the knife in deeper.

Tony vaguely heard someone going up the stairs and raised his head from his position on the couch. The wind had kinda blown him and a few bottles of the hard stuff with him here to Casa Gibbs and he'd been drinking for a couple of hours now. He wanted to say goodbye to his boss before he shipped out. To where, he didn't know. The Reagan had just left San Diego on Sunday and their location and deployment weren't advertised, even to him, God, he was going to miss everyone- Gibbs and Abby the most.

"Hey, Boss. Didn't wanna drink alone." Tony vaguely waved at the figure who passed by the door of the den and then whirled back and stood in the doorway. "Don't do that, makin' me dizzy, Boss. Want some of mine 'stead of that swill you drink? Spensive stuff. Only the best since I caused her to die."

"Let me call you back, Duck. I've got DiNozzo here, and he's not doing so well." Jethro disconnected the phone and sighed.

Ducky looked at Tim and Abby after hanging up. "He wants you and me to take some time off, Abigail. You should be safe enough, young Timothy." They had come over with food and drink and were now seated around his dining room table, as aware of how crooked Vance was as he was. "Jennifer wrote him a letter, a heartbreaking letter telling him some truths he need never have known if you asked me."

He reached for Abby's hands and placed his own on Timothy's arm. "You must know this so that you may understand how to proceed with Jethro. Jennifer was expecting his baby, a son. She became pregnant in late December and I diagnosed her with a terminal illness in March. She would never have carried the baby to term, had she lived until then, but she refused to abort. He must be in such emotional pain and agony now, my dears."

"She was pregnant? That makes it worse, and that it was Gibbs' baby, he must be a wreck." Abby didn't know what she should do. She knew Ducky and McGee needed her, but Gibbs was Gibbs, and wouldn't ask if he needed some support. "Maybe I should go over there, see if he needs a friend. I'll take the time off, but I'm not going to leave him alone. He needs us, and I can help, I'm not useless. I have a ton of vacation time banked, and I want to be in on this. I didn't take any time after Kate; I think I deserve time off now for Jenny."