Chapter 1: Mr. Happy
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I yelled at the meter girl.
"What does it look like? I'm writing you a ticket for overtime parking." she replied calmly without looking up from her pad.
"Jesus H. Fucking Christ... what do you do... just wait around out here until the fuckin' meter runs out so you can write me a ticket?" I blasted again.
"Nope, but if I had the time... I'd give it some serious thought." she snapped back.
"Fuck me. You must be a real fuckin' prize in your household. I snarled.
"Look, Mr. Matheson," she said looking up at me. "I'm tired of your foul mouth and abusive behavior. I've been real tolerant up 'till now, but I've had enough. I'm reporting you to the Police for Harassment.
"You fat pig!" I yelled. "Go ahead. You'll find them down at the donut shop stuffin' Long Johns in their mouth and listening to their fuckin' arteries harden." With that snappy send off, I yanked the door of my Range Rover open and slammed it shut after me. I started it up and peeled away from the curb. I got about a kilometer down the road before I realized I needed gas. It was one of the reasons I had come to town, so I pulled into the Shell Station and filled the tank.
As I pulled out of the Self-Serve, I heard a siren blip and checked the rear view mirror in time to see a RCMP car with light bar ablaze tucked up under my bumper. I pulled over to the first open spot on the curb and I'm sure steam was coming out of my ears. I reached into my jacket for my wallet, pulled out my Drivers License, then reached into the glove box and took out my registration. I pushed the button on the armrest and lowered the driver's side window in anticipation of the arrival of a constable.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Matheson. May I see your license and registration please?" he asked politely.
I handed them over wordlessly, but I was seething inside. The stupid little cunt had turned me in and I was already plotting my revenge.
"Mr. Matheson, I understand you had a conversation with Ms. Wallington a few minutes ago." he said.
"Yah, so what?" I replied with a snarl.
"She says you were abusive and threatening. You realize that is an offence sir?" I'll give him this... he was maintaining his full load of politeness in spite of my attitude.
"Bullshit! I swore at her and she deserved it. I did not threaten the cunt." I didn't bother to soften my presentation.
"Mr. Matheson, you can't abuse and mistreat public officials. It's against the law. They have protection against people like you." He was still maintaining his cool. I gave him a couple of more ticks in the 'under control' column.
"Look, officer, she's nothing but a fat bureaucrat hired because her old man is on the fuckin' town council. She couldn't fuckin' rake leaves for a living if it wasn't for that." I wasn't giving any quarter at this point.
"Mr. Matheson, is it your mission in life to piss off every single person in this town?" he asked as he started to get a little aggravated.
"Nope... just the assholes and she's one of them." I spat.
"She's just doing the job she was hired to do." he replied, regaining some of his composure.
"Look Wing Commander... the last time I was in town I didn't have a Loonie in my pocket and since that's the only thing the meter takes, I had to go get some change. By the time I got back, the fuckin' bitch was writing me a ticket. And you wonder what I think she's a useless cunt?" I was back to full blast again.
"Maybe nobody cuts you any slack because they don't have a very high opinion of you. Have you considered that?" he asked.
"I don't give a fiddler's fuck what anybody in this shithole town thinks. Now are you going to arrest me or write me some ticket or what?"
"Frankly, Mr. Matheson, I wish I could get you into involuntary therapy, but I don't have enough evidence. In the meantime, I suggest you stay out of everyone's way. Right now, you don't have any friends and any more complaints like the one Ms. Wallington filed will get you some detention time and probably more. Do you understand?" he asked forcefully.
"Yah... yah... I know... I got 'till sundown to get outta town. Fuck me. What a bunch of bullshit." I was already running the window up and putting the truck in gear. I stopped for a second to make sure I had my turn signal on and obeying whatever rules of the road my boiling hot brain could remember. I pulled slowly away from the curb and the cruiser pulled out after me and followed me down the street for a couple of blocks before he peeled off and disappeared. Just another lovely fuckin' day in my perfect fuckin' life.