Chapter 3

Saturday, August 3,

I didn't sleep well last night. I felt so sick after writing in my diary that I ran to the bathroom and threw up. I washed my face, brushed my teeth again, and cried myself to sleep. I can't remember them, but I had a lot of bad dreams. I was drenched with sweat, and my sheets were twisted around my legs when I woke this morning.

After untangling myself, I took a long hot shower before getting ready for the day. When I was ready, I went downstairs to have a late breakfast. I found a note from Charlene in the kitchen saying that Dad had gone to pick up some things for my trip, and she was going to be at the library book sale. I had a feeling most of the books Charlene would get would be for me, since she's not that big a reader. She does read, she just doesn't carry a book around with her like I do. I looked at the clock and saw it was only a little after 10. The sale started at 9, so I decided to see what else was there. I certainly didn't want to stay in the house alone, even though I could feel Mom's concern for me all around. It was just too quiet. I'm not sure what's worse, oppressive silence, or noisy memories. At that moment it was oppressive silence. Since Charlene's car was still outside, I picked up the keys and went to the library.

There was a bunch of people in the library's community room buying books and videos. There were also kids running all over the place. Mom or Dad would have swatted my butt if I'd acted up like that, not that I would have. I took a bag from one of the ladies at the entrance and thanked her. She seemed surprised by that. I guess she hadn't gotten a lot of thanks today. She smiled, and said, "You're welcome." I smiled back and went in.

It was hard to get in some places at times, but I did manage to find a few books, paper and audio, and a couple of videos. Most were for me, but I did find a few that I knew Dad would like.

I found Charlene in the romance section. She looked surprised and happy to see me. She gave me a hug, saying, "I hope you don't mind that I didn't wake you. It looked like you could use the extra sleep."

I shook my head and said, "Thanks"

We looked around a little more, and then headed for a relatively quiet spot so she could show me what she had. I already had a few items, but took them anyway, as I didn't want to spoil Charlene's mood. Besides, I'm not sure where a couple of them are, so it would be nice to have an extra copy. We did put a couple back, ones she'd hold up and say, "You have this one, don't you?" or "Alex has this, doesn't he?" When she asked like that, I felt ok about saying I had it. She did pick up a few books I'd been looking for, which was great.

After showing me the books, we headed for the checkout. The Saturday book sales are a dollar an inch for books and 4 dollars for everything else. I spent nearly fifty dollars and Charlene twice that. It was still a whole lot less than buying them from a used bookstore, to say nothing about full price. One newer novel had a ten dollar price sticker on it from a nearby book store. I got it for a dollar. How great is that?

After we loaded the bags into the trunk of Charlene's car, she called Dad to let him know we were leaving, so he wouldn't have to pick her up. I asked where Dad was. She told me he'd gone to the electronics store to pick up some things, and said he'd meet us in an hour for lunch. Since we had the time, and there was a grocery store across the street, we went shopping for baking supplies. Charlene asked if I'd like a bread maker, but I wasn't sure where I'd put it, so we didn't get one. I'll just bake bread in the oven like Grandma. Assuming, of course, I can figure out how to do it.

After shopping, we went to meet Dad at a Burger King for lunch. Dad showed up a few minutes later. We got a hug from him, and went inside. He wouldn't tell us what he'd gotten, as he wanted to keep it a surprise. We ordered and got our drinks. Then Charlene and I picked out a table, while we waited for Dad to bring our food, which didn't take too long.

While we ate, Charlene asked if I was ready for my trip. I shrugged. "I guess so."

"Oh," she said quietly. I think she was hopping I'd stay longer or change my mind. A bit later, she asked, "Have you decided on where you'll go?"

"I thought I'd try that RV Park you showed me. Golden something or other. "

"Golden Shores?"

"That's it."

"Ok, I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

A few minutes later, she asked, "Are you sure you won't need help getting parked and settled in?"

I saw where this was going. She was worried I'd not only be lonely all by myself, but I'd go to pieces, and wanted to go with me to get settled in. The whole point of going away was so I could be by myself so I wouldn't go to pieces. Still, I probably would get lonely, and I'd be totally nervous trying to park the trailer. I also didn't want to hurt Charlene's feelings, so I said, "Having some help parking would be good."

Charlene smiled brightly at me and turned to Dad. "What do you think honey, could we go down with her for a couple days to help her get settled in?"

"I suppose we could do that. It'd probably be better if we followed her down, though. She'll need Henry later, and we'll need a way to get back."

Then it hit me -- we didn't have enough beds. Normally the trailer could sleep at least four, as the dining room table folded into a bed. If people were friendly, it could hold more than two. The problem was, I now had my computer underneath the table so it couldn't fold down.

I guess I was frowning or something, as Dad asked me what was wrong.

"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking I'd have to move the computer."

"Why?" Charlene asked.

"So the table could be turned into a bed."

"Don't do that," Dad said. "It'd be too much of a pain to shove it around all the time, and we'll end up tripping over it. I'll just sleep on the floor."

Charlene and I both said, "You can't do that."

"Why not? I've got an air mattress."

"Because then we'd be tripping over you," Charlene replied.

"Then I'll just sleep in Henry."

"Not!" From us.

"Why not? I've done it before."

"You're not sleeping in the truck. It'd ruin your back."

I volunteered for the floor or Henry's back seat but they nixed that, saying it was my trip and that I should sleep in a bed.

"Hmm," Dad said, resting his chin on his hand to think. A couple minutes later, he said, "What if we rent a small motor-home for the two of us? That way we could follow Sam down, and once she's settled in we could take a vacation of our own. We could even drive you around some if you wanted, Sam."

Charlene and I thought that was a great idea. We were both concerned about the cost, though. When Charlene mentioned it, Dad said it probably wouldn't be too much. "RV Dealers often give discounts on older models if you deliver them for them, so they can make room for the newer models. Besides, it's not like we can't afford it."

We all frowned at that. Then Dad shook himself and said, "Come on, it'll be fun!"

I think he was trying to convince himself as much as us. I put a smile on my face, and quickly took another bite of my sandwich, as I couldn't hold the smile.

"Will we be able to rent one in time?" Charlene asked.

"We'll see what we can find. You don't have to leave on Monday, do you, Sam?"

I shook my head. Leaving on Monday was the plan, but I could put it off a day or two. Especially since it would make Dad and Charlene happy.

We went home after lunch, and Dad showed me what he'd gotten -- a new digital camera with a built in telephoto lens. My old one was just point and shoot. It ran off AA batteries, so there were two boxes of batteries, one regular and one rechargeable. A battery charger came with them. He'd also gotten several memory cards for it. Looking at how much space was on those cards, it'll take a lot of pictures to fill them up.

In addition to the camera, he bought more ink, plus paper for the printer to print all the pictures. There was also a battery back up for the computer. According to the box, it can run an entire media center for 24 hours. I think the battery is more useful, myself, but the camera is nice; I just have to figure out how to use it.

Dad's got the batteries charging now.

Later, I was in the trailer reading, when Dad came in. He wanted to know if it'd be ok for me to leave on Tuesday instead of Monday, since there wasn't time to rent a RV today. I told him that it would be ok, but I also volunteered again to sleep on the floor, or in Henry, if they just wanted to follow in a car. He said, "No, Sweetie, this is your trip. You should be comfortable and not have to make room for us."

"Are you sure? I don't want to cause any more trouble."

"Oh, Honey, you haven't caused us any trouble." Dad sat on the bunk and put his arm around me. "You've worried us, but you haven't troubled us."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be, Sweetie, we understand. It's been hard on all of us."

I sniffled. "I'm sorry."

Dad sniffled too. "So am I, Sam."

I started crying then. I think Dad cried some too.

When I'd stopped crying, Dad went to the bathroom and got me some tissues so I could blow my nose and dry my eyes. Dad threw them away, saying, "We'd better get moving, Charlene will have dinner ready pretty soon."

I sighed, and said, "Ok." I put a bookmark in my book, set it on the nightstand, and turned off the lights. I turned and started to get up when I saw Dad giving me a funny look. Suddenly nervous, I quickly glanced around. Not seeing anything out of place, I looked back at him warily and asked, "What?"

Dad shook himself. "Nothing, I was just thinking it might be a good idea if you take a second pair of glasses with you when you go."

"Oh," and then after a pause I said, "I suppose that would be a good thing to do. I'd probably need to get a new prescription, though. I've had these a while."

"We'll do that first thing Monday, before we go see about an RV."

"OK."

I gave my new moose a playful scratch on the head, waved to the other stuffed animals, and went downstairs. I followed Dad out of the trailer, taking the key with me, and locked it up. Then Dad put his arm around me, and we went inside.

Dinner was nice. Charlene had cooked chicken and rice using the teriyaki sauce we'd gotten at Costco, and made a salad. It was good -- I might try cooking it myself sometime. I'll need to get some boneless chicken and some rice. I should probably make sure I've got everything; I'm sure there're things I've forgotten. Of course, I probably have too much of some things. I suppose it's better to have too much than not enough, although there're some things I have that I'd rather not have at all.

We played scrabble after dinner. While we played, Dad and Charlene wanted to know if I wanted to take any of the board games with me. I told them, "I'm running out of space to put things, and I'm not sure I'd want to take them even if I had the space. They're also all multi-player games. After you leave, I won't have anyone to play with."

Dad said, "We've got some travel versions you could take, if you want."

"Maybe. I'd probably take more puzzles, if anything, but I want to make sure I've gotten all my shopping done first."

They nodded, and said I could have whatever I needed. I gave them a smile and said, "Thanks." I didn't tell them the three things I really wanted. They couldn't give them to me, and it would have made them sad.

Charlene told me that if I made a list of things we could go shopping for them tomorrow. I thanked her.

We played some more, and then called it a night. Since I'm still at home, I went up to my room, got my bedclothes, and took a bath. The bath was nice, but I still couldn't sleep. I'm nervous and scared about my trip. I'm also lonely. How am I supposed to do this without Shelly? She's the brave adventurous one, not me. I miss her so much!

Sunday, August 4

I feel so mixed up right now. Last night I cried myself to sleep. Now, as I look outside, everything is all gray. I think it'll rain soon. Part of me wants to smile, as I love the rain. I don't know why I do, I just do. Ever since I was little, I can remember being excited and smiling up at the clouds or the falling rain. I don't like big scary storms though. Lightning and thunder freak me out. I like nice quiet rainstorms.

I can hear mom saying, "You're weird, but I love you anyway," like she used to when she'd catch me smiling at rain clouds. Shelly would twirl her finger around her temple at me, but she'd smile to show she didn't mean it. Paul, like Charlene, would just shake his head and grin. Maybe I get it from Dad -- he likes the rain too.

So now I've got these nice big puffy gray clouds promising me rain. I want to smile, and my heart wants to beat faster, but I'm also not in the mood. I just want to stay in bed and cry. I can't, though, I have to get dressed, go down to the trailer and take inventory (sigh).

I made a list, and Charlene took me shopping. It's raining now -- pretty hard too. I couldn't believe how loud it was in the trailer. I guess it's because it has a metal roof and there isn't much space between me and it. There isn't any, really, it's so low, especially in the bedroom. You can't even stand up completely there.

Anyway, I made my list, and Charlene took me to get the things on it. I was surprised when Charlene pulled into the library. "They're having another book sale today. Ten dollars a bag, remember?" she reminded me.

I'd forgotten. I smiled and thanked her.

We parked, and went in. The room had been picked pretty clean yesterday, so there wasn't much left today. We did find a few things: some novels, a couple craft books, and some cookbooks. I chose the craft books as they were about crocheting. I thought I'd try it. Mom enjoyed it a lot; she went everywhere with a bag of yarn, making something.

In the end, though, after re-bagging our books we only had one bag-full. There really wasn't much there. We gave the lady ten dollars and the empty bag, said, "Thanks," and left. As we drove over to the grocery store, I wondered where I was going to put all the books. Yesterday's were still in their bags on the drawers next to the stairs. I suppose I'll find room for them somewhere.

We wandered around the grocery store for a while picking up things on my list, and a couple extras, although some things were for Charlene and Dad. After we left the grocery store, I wanted to buy some yarn. Charlene said, "Ok, but why? There's plenty at the house."

"That's Mom's, I wouldn't feel comfortable taking it."

"Oh, Honey," Charlene said, pulling over.

She put her hand to my cheek and had me look at her. "Your mom would be thrilled that you want to try crocheting, and she'd want you to use her yarn. I know it'd make her very happy if you did."

I nodded, and she gave me a hug.

After we dried our eyes and wiped away our tears, Charlene took us to lunch. We weren't really hungry, but we did need some ice cream. She had a strawberry shake and I had chocolate. The fries, chicken nuggets, and fried zucchini were to warm us up afterwards.

We found Dad working in the garage when we got home. He was making a small bookshelf to put in the trailer. It was going to go between the left bunk and the closet where the big hiking backpack was. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, saying, "Thanks, Daddy." That made him smile even more than when we told him we'd brought him lunch.

I went in the trailer to put things away while he went to wash up. I found he'd already moved the backpack. I had to smile seeing some of my stuffed animals wearing my hats. Dad must have done that. I couldn't see the backpack anywhere, though.

I had to rearrange some things, but I managed to put everything away, mostly. The fridge and all the cabinets were full. Some things I was going to have to put in a box on the floor when we started moving, as I didn't want them rolling off the counter.

I'd just finished when Charlene asked if I wanted to come in and pick out some yarn. I didn't really, but I went. I filled a couple small grocery bags full of different colors of yarn, mostly dark ones, as I wasn't in the mood for cheerful colors, and put them in the trailer.

On the way out, I asked Dad where the backpack was. He told me he'd put it in Henry. So, after putting the yarn on top of my printer, I went out to look.

As I got to Henry, I saw that Dad had put the sideboards back on him. He'd laid them down flat, with the front and back boards between them as usual, so they stuck out over the side a bit, although not too much. They were also tied down so they couldn't move around or fall out. Looking under the trailer, you could see a hole between all the boards for the hitch. The hole was actually bigger than the hitch, and I could see Dad's dark green canvas tarps covering the things inside.

After looking in the back, I opened Henry's rear door and looked inside. My backpack was sitting up on the floor between the seats, behind the driver. There were some extra blankets and pillows on the seat, and I found an inflatable air mattress and a plastic tarp under the seat. He'd put a toolbox on the passenger-side floor. Between helping Dad while growing up, and a basic mechanics course in college, I knew I could give Henry an oil change and a tune up. I shouldn't have to, though, as he'd just had both. I hope I don't have to do more. I could probably figure out how to do some things I've seen done before, but I hoped I wouldn't have to, as I'd be guessing. I also wasn't sure I could lift the toolbox. It was heavy!

I'd have to move it, though, if Henry, or the trailer, ever got a flat, as a heavy duty jack and Henry's tire iron were also under the back seat, along with a set of tire chains. I hope I won't have to dig them out.

Shutting the door, I saw Dad standing there.

"Everything ok?" he asked.

I nodded, and said, "Thanks."

He pointed to Henry's bed, and said, "I moved some things around and put in a couple lawn chairs for you."

I thanked him again, and then asked what we were going to do with the luggage rack.

"I've been thinking about that. You could put your winter clothes in a suitcase or two and put them up there. When winter comes, you just take them down and swap them for your summer clothes. That'd give you more room inside the trailer."

That sounded like a good idea, and I said so. Still, I didn't think I'd need all that much room. Sure, I've got lots of clothes, but not so many that I have a completely different wardrobe for each season. I'll think of something though.

Dad grinned, saying; "I have my moments."

I grinned back, and gave him a hug. He hugged me back.

"Come on, let's get inside. It's starting to rain again."

I followed Dad back around the trailer and into the garage. He showed me the bookshelf. He hadn't stained it yet, but it still looked nice. He closed the garage door, said he'd finish up, and that I should go in and get warm. "You just got over one cold; I don't want you to get another one."

I said ok, and went in. As I did, he turned a space heater on, that was in the corner by the other door, and got out some stain. I didn't worry about fumes or anything, as the window in the other door was open a bit, and he should be warm enough. The heater is directional, and puts out a lot of heat.

I went up to my room and called Amy. I was really nervous about it, but I felt I should. I pulled the napkin with her number on it out of my purse and called. Our conversation was something like:

"Um, hi. This is Samantha. We met the other day?"

"Samantha? Hi. Wow! I didn't think you were going to call. I hoped you would, but wasn't sure."

"Um, hi. I wanted to thank you again for the other day. I had a really nice time."

"Thanks, I did too. When are you going out of town? Maybe we could get together?"

"Um, probably Tuesday morning."

"Wow! That soon, huh."

She sounded a little sad, and that made me sad. It also made me feel weird knowing that she was interested in me.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I would like to see you again, but I don't know if I'll have the time."

"No, it's ok. You should spend the time with your family. If I'm not being too nosy, can I ask where you're going?"

"Um, well, I'll be getting new glasses in the morning, but after that I don't have anything planned, if you want to meet then?"

As soon as I said that my mind yelled, "What are you doing? What about Paul?"

"Oh." I heard her laugh. She has a nice laugh. Happy and playful kind of like Shelly's, but not quite. "Sorry, I meant where are you going on your trip?"

"Oh." I wondered if she could tell I was blushing.

"I'm going south to a place called Golden Shores RV Park for a while. After that I'm not sure."

"Oh, I thought you were heading back to college. "

"I'm taking some time off."

"Oh, that's cool."

I could tell she was surprised, but didn't want to ask.

"So, you're free tomorrow afternoon?"

Now it was my turn to be surprised. "Oh, um, yes, as far as I know."

"Maybe we could meet for lunch? Where are you having your eyes done?"

"The Lens Makers on Taylor."

"It's across from Mini-Golf right?"

"Uh, yes?"

"How about we meet there?"

"Can we go anywhere else?"

"Sure. You don't like miniature golf?"

"I do, it's just I tend to have bad luck there."

"Oh?"

"Um, yeah, I'm always falling in the water hazards or getting hurt somehow."

"No way! You're that Samantha?"

My ears started burning with embarrassment.

"My sister works there. She says there were legends about a klutzy girl who used to work there. She was always falling in or getting hurt. Andy said she even had a bag of clothes there and her own first aid kit in the office. She said it was just a rumor, though, as she never saw anyone like that. Then last week she said that this Samantha suddenly showed up and used the bag after she fell in a water hazard. Was that really you?"

Gee, great, I thought, "I'm an urban legend. "Um, yeah, that was me."

Amy laughed. "Wow! I owe Andy ten bucks."

I hung my head. When I worked there the others used to bet on when I'd fall in or get hurt. Now people are betting on whether or not I'm real. Great!

"Andy said you looked totally hot, but she didn't see you in your dress."

Oh my! I thought as I started fanning my face with my free hand. In a strange way I can't help feeling pleased that she thought I looked hot. I know I wanted to look nice, and the guys seemed to think so, but knowing she thought makes me strangely happy.

Amy continued. "Ok, I can see why you wouldn't want to go there; you're probably afraid a chair will break, or something."

Chagrined, I said, "That has happened."

"Wow! I can't believe I'm talking to the same person. You were so graceful Friday night."

Huh, me graceful? I'd stepped on Dad's toes at least twice. He was nice enough not to cry in pain or limp though.

"Uh, thanks?"

"So, how about we meet around one at the Lenny's down the street?"

"Um, ok?"

"Great! I'll see you tomorrow then. Bye."

"Bye."

My hand was shaking when I hung up the phone. I kept thinking, What have I done? What have I done? Over and over. The thing is, I know what I'd done. I'd agreed to go on a date after the man of my life had died. I felt so sick at betraying Paul that I threw up. Even now, I'm still sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat much at dinner, and left early. Dad and Charlene have come up to check on me twice. I know they're worried about me, but how can I tell them what's wrong? I know they'd disagree with me, and they'd probably be hurt and angry with how I'm feeling. I know they're not betraying Mom. She wanted them to be together. Even if she hadn't pushed them, I think they would have gotten together anyway, as they'd always been friends.

With me, though, it's different. Paul hadn't planned to be with anyone but me, and I hadn't planned to be with anyone but him. Now I'm going on a date with someone else. I feel so awful.

Monday, August 5

I didn't sleep well last night. Actually, that's an understatement -- I hardly slept at all. I was mostly crying and, when I did sleep, I had nightmares about Paul leaving me.

Dad and Charlene both noticed when I dragged myself down for breakfast. They wanted to drive me to the eye doctor's, but I told them I was fine and said if they did that they wouldn't have time to pick out an RV. That made them pause.

I hated doing that to them, especially since Dad has already spent so much on me. I was still willing to sleep on the floor, but I just couldn't let them know I was meeting someone after my appointment. I couldn't bear for them to know what a horrible person I am.

Charlene looked at Dad, then back to me, and said, "I can drive you to your appointment, Sam, it's no trouble. Your father can take care of renting the RV."

I replied, "Are you sure? I wouldn't want to put you out any and have you stuck with something you don't like. Knowing Dad, he'll probably rent one the size of a large bus."

I was wincing internally as I said it. I may as well have shouted, "I don't want you to go with me."

Charlene actually chuckled. "You're right about that."

"I would not," Dad said, sounding quite indignant.

He rolled his eyes when we both looked at him, and said, "A small bus maybe, but not a large one."

Charlene and Dad laughed. I even managed a smile. Charlene and Dad shared a look, and finally Charlene looked at me. "Are you sure you'll be alright?"

I nodded. "I'll be fine."

With that, they finished breakfast and headed for the door. I followed them. They stopped, and again asked if I was sure.

I nodded again. "I'm ok, really." NOT!

They both gave me a hug, and I hugged them back. Charlene kissed my cheek, "Call me as soon as you get home, ok?"

I nodded.

Dad kissed my forehead. "Take care, ok, Pumpkin?"

I nodded again.

I waved until they were out of sight. Then I shut the door, curled up on the couch, and started crying.

When I got to the eye doctor's he looked at me and said, "Didn't sleep well, huh?"

I shook my head.

"I hope you weren't up all night cramming. This isn't that kind of an exam."

I couldn't help smiling a little at that. It was kind of funny.

After his joke, he led me into the exam room and checked my eyes. I felt really uncomfortable when he looked into my eyes. It'd always made me feel weird before, and I'd be scared he could see my secrets through my eyes. Now I was scared he'd see I was an evil person.

He didn't say anything like that, though. He said I had pretty eyes, but that I needed to sleep more, as they were very red. He put some drops in my eyes to reduce the redness. Then he gave me a couple of tissues to dry my eyes with, and asked if I'd picked out new frames. I hadn't. He told me to take a couple of minutes to chose, while the drops worked, and then we'd continue the exam.

While I looked, I wished Mom and Shelly were with me to help me pick. They always helped me chose something nice that didn't scream "Nerd!" or "Librarian!" They're the ones who picked out the frames I'd been wearing. I hoped I could find some that made me look stylishly intelligent. That's how Mom and Shelly said I look with these, but the best I can hope for is shy bookworm. Paul liked my glasses, though.

That thought still makes me cry. I hope Paul doesn't hate me. I can't bear Paul hating me.

I'm back. I had to go cry. I'm feeling better now. After crying, I lay in bed for a while. I felt like Paul was holding me, trying to tell me that he still loved me and always would. I also felt like he didn't want me to be lonely for the rest of my life. At least I hope that's what he was trying to tell me. Then again, maybe I'm going crazy. I also felt that Shelly was trying to smack me on the back of the head, and telling me to stop being such a ninny. It'll be hard, but I'll try.

So where was I? Oh, yeah, picking out frames for my glasses. I'd narrowed my choices down to two round frames, one wire and one plastic. I kind of liked the look of the plastic ones more, but, since I'm a klutz, the wire frames were more durable. If I step on them, and it has happened, I can bend them back -- assuming of course they're not too mangled. Plastic frames would just break. The plastic frames also tend to slide and fall off more when I'm hot.

When the doctor called me over to finish my exam, I took them both with me to decide later.

After my exam, in which I did get a new prescription, the doctor asked about frames, and I looked down at the two I was trying to choose between. I guess he looked also, because he said, "So you'll be wanting two pair, then?"

I hadn't thought about getting two pair, but, when he asked, I thought it might be a good idea -- one for fashion and one for wear. Then I thought it would be too expensive, especially since I didn't plan to do anything that would require me to dress up.